What to make of my spiritual walk?
 

Hello,

I'm kind of new to all of this, so forgive me if I don't have the right terminology for this.

I've long been fascinated by spiritually dark entities (negative entities/demons/dark spirits, etc. Whatever you want to call them). This has been happening since I was 12 and had my first known spiritual experience: experiencing a presence (I feel presences, light and dark, positive and negative, good and bad. Clairsentience is the proper term, I think). I cannot understand what drew me to the darkness, but I was drawn.

I felt as if my stomach/intuition screamed "no" at me then, but I had no reservations with dabbling in things others might consider "evil" or "bad," so I decided to learn more about the spirit world in general, and specifically about demons (I'm assuming this is because it was my only frame of reference for "dark" things, even though I didn't believe in/knew almost nothing about this concept).

As time went on, I looked into theistic Satanism, even did some of the inviting rituals and things of that nature. Then I decided it wasn't for me, but kept on with the occultism practices and later delved into the esoteric simply out of sheer curiosity.

I didn't think so at the time -- being the skeptic that I was -- but things like spirit boards, pendulums, automatic writing, and conjuring sigils worked for me. So well, in fact, I was convinced none of it was really real and it was all in my head. I'm an absolute "natural" at things divination-wise, and I have not a clue why.

I shoved it away and shut it all out, thinking all this stuff was nonsense. Eventually, a few years later, I became a Christian. I did not believe in demons/the devil at first -- I was done with all that and did not want to waste my energy on such a negative thing when I had a positive change in my life.

About two years into the faith, I started experiencing a"dark" beckoning again to communicate with these strange beings of darkness, whatever they were and that meant. I could not understand why. It literally came out of the blue! Nothing had triggered or caused it to swell up. Many times, even now, I think that maybe I shouldn't mess with these beings, and that they are evil/bad/demonic in nature, but something in me wants to for seemingly no good reason!

I have not been able to shake this desire. I inevitably caved and began communicating with a being (and many others, some good, most negative or perhaps neutral?) on a spirit board. I have supposedly been in contact with this same spirit (I do feel their energy, and it is consistent) for the past two years off and on. They claim that they are sent to "tempt" me or "guide" me when I ask why they've stuck around even after attempting to get rid of them and the other entities and protecting myself. They also straight up call themselves a demon/devil. I don't know why I never ended the connection, something about them intrigues me.

I have also heard before that some feel as if demons (or daemons) can be spirit guides (not necessarily evil or negative). I've wondered if this left-hand path is something I should follow. As such, I've been interested in demonology. I even attempted to conjure one of the 72 demons of the Key of Solomon. I'm not sure if it was successful as intended, but I did end up in the presence of a spirit which claimed to be Astarte/Ashtoreth. It was very exciting!

I do not know what to make of all this!

I read this whole thing back now and realize it sounds a little nuts, but I do believe in the spirit world and have come to the conclusion that these experiences are genuine (partially due to experiences my own mother has had, which I found out about in my adult years.). You don't have to believe me. I'm just real confused more than anything. I wasn't even sure where to post this, to be honest. Please move it if you need to.

Advice? Can these kinds of entities really be spirit guides? Can they be sent to me? I suppose they could be my own mind, but experience to me says these are external forces/persons. Why is my walk so dark? Should I be concerned?

As a second thought, when we enter some place we are not familiar with and the lights are off, we generally are very apprehensive. The same thing happens when we are experiencing things we know very little about. This, combined with what Unseeking Seeker wrote, can 'create' a different reality.

I wish I knew how to close the door. I’ve been trying the avoidance, banishing and ignoring thing for years and it hasn’t been successful yet.

Get your strength up, girlfriend...like when you're mad and have had enough!!!
That power is what it takes...
There is not a dark entity of any kind that even thinks about coming around ME!
See what I mean!?
There is no 'wishy washy' about it! You have the power...and they do NOT!

This comment made my day. I was losing faith fast in strength, but I think you might be right about this.

I don't know too much about this subject, but I doubt trauma caused the spurring of this. Not sure really. Have had a very happy, positive life as a whole.

I wouldn't say I'm apprehensive or fearful of these entities. Other things in life? Mostly anxiety, but not terrible. Though I suppose death is a little scary for everyone.

Mainly, I feel empowered when I come across these beings, not scared or frightened 99% of the time. It's when I've come "face to face" that I've feared that perhaps I was making a huge mistake somehow.

The biggest issue for me is that I feel like I've tried to rid myself of it, and I'm fed up with fighting. It makes me think that maybe I'm not supposed to, or maybe it's a bait and hook. I don't know what or who to believe anymore.

I've been praying today just to quell my mind's unrest. I've always talked to God like a best friend, but it's hard to square my desires with my theism. It feels incompatible. As if I'm to choose between light and dark. This tension doesn't seem to go away and has only gotten worse since I started truly pushing back against the dark. By day, I lead a normal life. Some days I have real spiritual and mental duress. I just want to respond better for once and not lose the motivation to keep positive. This issue sucks the life out of me it feels like, because of the subject matter. Because I can't seem to shake the feeling away. It can't be healthy?

KayLynn,

The short and easy answer is switch on the light and darkness will disappear. I can't tell your mental state but assuming all is neurologically healthy, positivity will work for you and not feeding fire with fire by giving attention to the negatives.

The more you associate with positive people, positive books, positive music etc. the more that positivity becomes contagious. And I don't know if you have a spiritual practice, but you should start one that brings you into the light - peace, love, harmony, contentment, equanimity, wisdom.

It also really important to be grounded in the everyday here and now, in your body - especially if you are sensitive to energies.

Darkness is just ignorance. Feed your happiness. Go out into Nature, follow your "feel good". Be free. Don't buy into other people's beliefs but experiment to test what works for you.

You can also create a positive intention, a noble intention, using affirmation, mantra or prayer and that will attract more evolved beings into your world.

Aside from all of this which is on the outside, your light, your essence is bliss and that's within you. Nothing can taint that part of you - nothing.

Best wishes on your journey to freedom,
:hug: