Magick Spells For Ex
 

I wasn’t exactly sure where to post this, but since Wicca involves spells and magick, I thought this would be a good place. While I have plenty of experience in other energy arts, I admit I am a novice when it comes to magick, spells, etc. Although as someone who is drawn to, and resonates with, ritual and ceremony, I would like to know more.

Anyway, I wanted to ask advice on spells, chants, rituals, etc that would assist in drawing an ex-girlfriend/lover back; either to rekindle the entire relationship, or on a purely physical level. I know there must be many of them, and thought I would ask those more knowledgeable of the subject than myself. Any and all help is greatly appreciated. I’m happy to give any information that may assist in finding the best ritual or spell.

And to be clear, I realize that Wicca, spells, rituals, etc are serious and require effort (just as energy arts do). So yes, I am serious and looking for real, honest help; and no, I don’t think it’s as easy as waving a wand and saying a single phrase like Harry Potter. :smile:

Thanks again for your time and assistance.

Hi

I'm not Wiccan either but this forum seems suitable to discuss magic.

What you're asking for is a love spell which I don't have any experience with. However, I did buy and read two books by Lady Rhea for candle magic. The books compliment each other but, imo, "The Enchanted Candle" can stand alone. The other book, "The Enchanted Formulary" is mostly about making your own fragrant oils. She has a few love spells and you can do her spells exactly as she directs, or you can change them according to what you have and/or on what you're guided to do. Her methods are flexible which means you can adjust them to complement your current practice.

One thing I do know (from reading) about love spells, try timing to cast it on Friday which is the planetary day for Venus. A bonus would be to cast the spell on a Friday with a waxing moon phase. A brief note about moon phases just in case you want to know. Waxing moon phases to full moon is for manifestation. Waning full moon to the dark moon (the phase just before the new moon) is for banishing stuff. Timing spells like that is optional but does add extra energy to the spell.

Another thing to consider is to cast a glamour spell on yourself before seeing her. Again, I don't have experience with this either.

Good luck!

Thanks for the info, Chrysalis. The day and moon phase info sounds quite helpful.
As I said, I have zero experience in this type of thing.
As far as the glamour spell before seeing her again-I don’t have any contact with her at all; physical or otherwise. She still lives and works fairly close to me, but we have zero contact.

Ideally she’d return to me to rekindle a full relationship; however, I’d be content with just purely physical encounters with her. I would take whatever is possible at this point.

You're welcome.

Another thing I suggest is for you to read up on is how to safely cast spells, such as protection and how to craft spells. You might also want to use divination, before casting a spell, to find out if your spell is exactly what you want. You can also consult your guides, spirit allies, etc. At this point, you're looking for ways that your spell might go sideways. Another thing that isn't mentioned much, is putting a loophole in your spell so you can undo it in case the spell gives you what you don't want to happen. In short, if you craft a spell, can you undo it to end the spell? If you can't end a spell, or stop it, then you let the spell run its course OR do a counter spell to reverse the original spell's effects.

Whew! That’s a lot of spell work.
If she knew how much effort I was expending just to potentially have some intimate time with her, maybe she’d just be flattered and go for it, no spells needed. :rolleyes:

Thanks again for the input.

Maybe that is what you need to tell her instead of doing any spells then? then let her come to you if and when her own free will wants to and not under the influence of some spell.

Well, unfortunately, there is no contact between us. We never see each other, and there is zero texting, calling, or emailing. In fact the last time we even walked past each other, she didn’t even make eye contact or acknowledge me.

Now, in my opinion, if she was over me and didn’t have any feelings towards me, then she wouldn’t act like that. It’s not like our relationship ended on a bad note. She just chose to leave (after lying and cheating).

It seems to me that she avoids anything to do with me because she is worried that it might stir up feelings that she doesn’t want to think about.
Of course, I could be wrong. Maybe she is just heartless and has no real feelings about anything or anyone. Or maybe she avoids me because I know that she’s a cheater/liar.
That’s why I’d just be happy with a purely ‘physical’ encounter with her.

Hi Syfoster, could be that she does not want to face herself, sounds like it, and your existence remind her of that, what she has said and done, and it has nothing to do with you. Wish you healing.

That is very perceptive of you; I myself have thought the same thing.
For her, looking at me is probably like she’s looking into a mirror, being reminded of what she did. She wants to pretend as if she did nothing wrong, and any thought, picture, or interaction with me makes that impossible.
In addition, she doesn’t want me or our past encroaching on her new, ‘fake’ life, because she knows it is a farce and held together by a few thin threads.

Thanks for the healing wish. As much as she did to me, and the irreparable damage it caused, I do still love her. But she’s obsessed and ensconced in her current life. That’s why I’d be content with some purely physical/sexual time with her.

Thank you, well that is where she needs to be right now. some people have the kind of self confidence but not self esteem and is like this balloon and if you just take a needle and point every so slightly it will blow up. Those who look to live fake lives often have this in my experience, they treasure the status of looks, money, popularity, superficial things really and somehow make them think other will think they are worth more than anyone else because of it or they feel entitled to have all that because they are of course worthy of it ;) like there is zero connection between the self esteem and the self confidence. Had they had the good self esteem they would not want the fake life and it would not break so easily either then. I know other people who too have that in their lives, luxury for instance but they do not have the (bad) attitude at all, so it is not the things in itself really, it is what you do with it, I think, how you wear it.

I know people who having had intimate of sexual nature of relationships but it always goes the same way. Because they are human beings and enough whole within themselves they develop feelings, love for who they end up in bed with and it will end, one of two will develop stronger feelings. They always think they are in control of this and that they will stop in time, but they never do, feelings are hurt, but I actually think it is a good sign that they develop feelings. I understand you wishing you can only have that with her but I guess what I am trying to say is that with the people I know having been there is that it won't last. Perhaps that is no comfort to hear, and I could be wrong. Still wish you the best luck with everything. I am not one to blame anyone for still loving someone even when we may not think that person deserve it, love is more complicated than that. Only hope you don't sell yourself short, that's all.

Again, thanks for your time and input, asearcher. Everything you said makes a lot of sense, and I myself have thought very similar things about the situation.

I’m just at the point where even having a semi regular, purely sexual/physical encounter with her would make my life better. As I’ve said, she’s physical perfection; and has goddess-level sexual talent.

At this point, having her in any way would be better than not having her at all. Even if that means secretive physical encounters, after which she would go back to her current life and man.

Well I can't imagine why you're missing that! (Just kidding, bad joke I know). Could it too be something else besides physical I mean? That perhaps in your past while she cheated that the one she cheated with god a kind of superior position and you the inferior? And this time around you want the superior one? I don't know if it is the same guy she is with now that she cheated with before, or a new guy, but i f a new guy, or perhaps a gal who am I to know, then he is innocent, no and should not fall victim of the same hurt that you went under? But I know, I know, this is just your imagination and wish belief and that don't hurt no one, but still. Maybe just a reflection that there is yet another motive behind you would be satisfied just getting that sexual part? You don't have to answer any of this of course, perhaps I am being too intrusive and if so I apologize. Either way wishing you good healing still naturally.

Nah, not a bad joke; it made me laugh.
It’s definitely more than physical. I honestly want her back fully and completely, in a long-term, committed relationship. However, I realize that the odds are highly against that, because that rests on her; and means she would have to acknowledge, accept, and embrace who she really is. And for her, that would be monumental and extremely difficult.

She’s still with the same guy she cheated on me with, and left me for. Me wanting her sexually has nothing to do with him at all (I’m not trying to prove something to him or myself, I don’t see him in a ‘superior’ position, etc). If she and I started up something physical secretly, I wouldn’t care if he never found out about it. If he did eventually find out and was hurt, great. But that’s not my motive for wanting her. He’s a complete phony who comes off to the unknowing as ultra-nice & thoughtful, soft spoken, etc. And he presents himself as a devout Christian. When, in reality, he is the exact opposite.

So, no, there really isn’t another motive behind me wanting to have a purely sexual relationship with her. She could continue the façade and fake life she has with him; while she and I could have a lot of fun whenever she had some free time. Perhaps that makes me sound shallow. I’m not. I just love her, miss her, and desire her so much; and I realize she most likely would be capable of enjoying a secret fling with me. That would be more likely than her just dropping him completely and coming back to a full relationship with me.

And if we could get some intensely intimate time alone together, perhaps I could talk with her and slowly try to help her face her issues and deal with them. And if not, and it remained purely physical encounters-well, as I said, she is mind blowing in that area.

You aren’t being intrusive at all. Feel free to say or ask anything. I appreciate all the input.

Good I was not being intrusive then, thanks for liking my poor joke :) I hope you get together with her in a committed relationship if that is what you desire, but perhaps she needs to go on this road alone at first? Or maybe I just believe in happy fairy tales, no but seriously I do hope she will grow from this and when the times comes that you are both ready then.

I can't speak for all women and men of course but the little experience I do have, I have to say some males impress me as they seem to be processing cheating quite differently than some women I know and you seem to be one of them. With the few experiences, me included, it has been more kill, kill and then kill some more (emotionally wise, not truly) but with some guys I know they want to work it out some time after, thinking where did I or we go wrong and so forth. Makes me think some women out there are really lucky in that sense. That they got guys who are willing to take them back after all.

Oh I think I know what type of voice you're referring too, that was perhaps why I got this glimpse of a "gal" because usually it is "gals" that speak that particular way, I know of one celebrity that does, it is suppose to be sweet but it comes out slow and phony somehow, not the real nature, and has religion as a background. I can't write her name here. But then when it goes of to a guy speaking that way it remind me of a child molester's way of talking, from a documentary I watched and had to cut short because I could not stand his way of talking among other things. Like you just know it is fake through and through. I always thought though that I was the only one feeling the creepy-vibes when it came to those kind of ways of talking.

Are you one of those truth-tellers? you sort of give that impression. Like frank. Could it be you got too close to her too fast? I used to have a way of doing that and then learned it could be scary so these days I hardly dare to say anything. Those who are not ashamed of themselves, hiding something etc, they don't mind, but if there is something they don't want to face about themselves, it can be. I, at least, learned I could not say some stuff as they too would go "Are you psychic?" (No, I was not, just open 24/7), it was things blunt to me but things not blunt to them that it was blunt to me, if you know what I mean, and then who else would it be blunt too? Scary. Can't have me around. If there is stuff about herself that she is not ready to face could that be why she went from a truth-teller to a phony-teller (with a creepy voice, on top of that)? Sorry to put my nose in it. Guess my way of trying to tell you that I don't think this is about you, like you've already guessed, I guess. I mean, not like that.

Thank you for not thinking I'm intrusive. I am hardly one to comment really on other people's love life given my own, but I still do my best =)

I hope all works out.

Oh, I completely agree. She definitely has to go through some things while away from me and ‘us’. And only she can walk that road. Whether or not we end up together again will be decided on what she goes through and how she responds to it. She’ll ultimately be faced with who she really is, no screens or hiding. At that point she will either regress even further, and turn and run away from it. Or she’ll stand up to it, accept it, and then seek me out.

I understand her, and know her better than she knows herself. She admitted this to me when we were still together. And since she prefers to hide from who she is, I think it bothered her to know that she couldn’t hide it from me-That I knew her and that I loved her simply for who she really is (and who she really is-that’s what she doesn’t want to face or accept). It also bothered her that I knew myself extremely well, and that I didn’t feel the need (that she feels about herself) to be something different or ‘better’. I know exactly why she cheated and left. I suppose it would have been more surprising if she hadn’t; she was just acting her nature.

I am a truth teller, but nothing regarding that happened too fast between us. We were together for over 10 years. And yes, the guy she’s with would be the kind to tell her exactly what she wants to hear; while at the same time filling her head with his surface, shallow, ‘Christian’ ideals-Such as-it doesn’t matter what you’ve done in the past, Jesus forgives you; You don’t need to understand yourself or change anything, you’re perfect, etc.

I’m far from perfect, but we had no major, relationship-ending issues. I had a few things I should have worked harder on, no doubt. I’d say it was 10% me, 90% her. And her 90% of needing something new to distract her from who she was made her lie, cheat, and leave.

Yes it has to be in her time, free will, true love. My saying that I come in too close too fast has been when people has said how do you know and even when I can't explain, think it can be intuition, or being open, something. That I have by then come in too close too fast and they are not comfy with that. I have had some really bad experience from this from a former relationship where I after that swore to never go there again. But that that is the part of being a truth teller. Not the speed of your relationship or you wanting to speed things up but I did not make that clear when I wrote I think, just figured I'd explain that.

10 years is a long time. Of course you miss her, I understand. They have studied that the bodies after having had intimate relationship has a physical grief reaction to it because the bodies don't get that it is over, that the bodies has become dependent on each other, they don't want to be rid of each other. Could too maybe explain the missing part?

If you only needed to work on yourself 10% and she the rest 90% I can sort of relate that she would have felt it was too hard and too much for her, or that she felt "Frankensteined", but could also be I see this from my own personal experiences from my marriage. Like my husband wanted me "Frankensteined" in that wanted me to be what he thought his dream woman was, no doubt, a perfectionist, weight a certain weight (not caring what I wanted to weight or what was my comfy-weight) etc. Not saying you did any of that to her, just saying that it is a terrible feeling when you don't feel good enough for someone you love being just the way you are. That sometimes we just need people to love us for who we are, despite what ever faults we have and know we have but might not even care that we have them. I for starters never wanted to be a perfectionist, and only tried to become one to get some peace in the home and to feel I measured up. In the end it turned around for me when karma hit back on him when I did not think he was good enough for me because of how he made me feel. He has worked on himself and don't do that to me no more, but I still remember that feeling and I am careful to read my own signs so I won't end up there again. He was brought up this way and it was normal to him and he was also driven by another energy force than what I was. He says he is still waiting and hoping for that missing part of me to come back to him, so damage has been made. Never mind that.

I have been told that there has been done black magic on me by someone in the past but I don't know if it was a particular ex I was thinking about having done that. To my knowing he was not religious or spiritual or both, but he somehow got fascinated with what it now he thought I had during our relationship when he had before put me through all sorts of hell before because of it. He could have had some knowing about it before we even met but then made it sound as if it was only someone else he knew that was into it, what it now was that person was into. I just know he tried to take me to places of spiritual meaning but not sure his intention were good.

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I think however that some spells seem to be good prayers and in so are not manipulative in the way that some others are for my taste, that there is good magic and dark magic. Perhaps one needs to be on the other side of it to understand what it feels like, and if this is what happened to me, it would be the wrong thing to do to her and to you too. I am still in conflict what exactly did happen.

But trust me if you want her back, even just physically, than that is not the way to go. If you really love HER than it is HER you want, not her under some spell because than it ain't really her.

Also my memory has been really played with somehow, could be suppressed memories but also could be because in some circumstances of the black magic. I know all of this may sound like fiction and fear talking to some or to most, and I am like I mentioned before still in conflict about what all this means.

I am sure there is a part of her that misses you too or else she would not have been with you for 10 whole years. Perhaps if things just calm down a bit and there is enough time she will come around, hopefully. Perhaps if she knows you still love her and miss her?

No, I wasn’t anything like your husband. I loved her then (and still love her) for exactly who she is. I didn’t want or need her to change anything about herself. Not physically, mentally, not anything. She was, and is, perfect to me as she already is, flaws and all. I wouldn’t care if she gained 50 lbs or lost 50 lbs. I wouldn’t care if she shaved her head or grew her hair down to her lower back.
I wouldn’t care if she was emotionally perfect, or emotionally unpredictable, being up and down from one week to the next. She was, and is, perfection to me-with zero effort.

After thinking more about it though, I have no intention of trying any spells or magick regarding her. I love her too much to do anything like that. I will simply continue loving her, thinking good thoughts about her, remembering her; and just hope that one day, somehow, she will find her way to me, to us.

That is beautiful you did, do that. Just saying even if you don't feel like that is what impression you gave her does not mean she still could have interpret it like that, even if that would sound crazy to you.

My husband had and I think still has but working on them, insecurity issues within himself, then projected on to me, that is a way, not always, some insecure people play it in romantic relationships, the need to feel control because it is scary to love someone, I guess. I did know he love me so that was why I could not understand that part. I never tried to change him regarding looks, weight, what ever. I had this saying before love them or leave them. And that I did not believe a man could be changed except when a baby. So I did not go there. He went there. If, I was someone who chose my battles and then I didn't go up face like he did me.

He, Mr Perfect, also actually had a problem with anxiety (that he did not know about) and I suspect a period before in our relationship a depression that went under the radar, that he did not want to talk or do anything about. If, when I asked if he was depressed he would just go no. It was as if he was looking outwards where he thought the problems were and not inwards where it actually was, it was how he was interpreting our reality or how he looked at me.

I left him once because he put me down, my weight, and this at a time where I did not feel like loosing weight, I think I was slightly overweight at the time. But when we had met I was underweight and struggled to gain weight. But one time he even got on one of his crazy diets, some toxic free stuff I don't know what the hell that was, and made me go on it too as he always wanted us to do this thing together, only when I got on the scale I realized I was not even overweight, I was normal weight plus his crazy diet was only suppose to be for a short period as it lacked nutrition the body needed so I went off it immediately and told him But I am not overweight and I like my body the way it is. Why are you trying to convey to me that I am not good enough he way I am? The only toxic I need to be free of is yours.

But he was always worried about my health somehow but I was doing just fine so I think it had to be looks then, I did not look good enough then somehow. He would say stuff to me like that he thought I had a good looking body but if I went to the gym and worked out this part of that part, then it would be so great, beautiful, I suppose. He always wanted improvements or to keep up some work on some body parts of his own. I only always told him I loved him no matter what he would work on or not work on and no matter the weight. But I think my words were drowned out, not important. He was so focused on his thing and that world and I drifted astray from that, had never been part of it in the first place.

Even people at work would see how my natural glow, me being comfy in my body no matter my weight went missing, I think that was my confidence that I thought every human being should have despite, but I slowly did not have it no more because of him. As a result too I lost interest in the intimate part like I never had before, and that he felt, worried him. I think the intimate part is not so much how the bodies look like but how you make your partner feel about herself or himself, that is what is passion, that is what is perfect. It's in the head, sexuality, and how we look at someone we love.

He would say later on that all he wanted was to get closer to me, for us to work out together, be together, do these (crazy...) diets together, but it backfired. I also thought maybe he wanted me to be more of his ex, this beautiful work out female.

I was being brainwashed, subtly and bluntly for years by his narc parent too, where my husband did not protect me enough from, so I began to feel as if they saw it as if my husband was superior (perfect) and the narc-parent believed it's family was too, and I was not, but that his ex was, and that he should be someone like him, not with someone like me. It was terrible. Just for the hell of it the narc-parent would call me by a different name, not even my own and then pretend? as if the parent just confused the names. You don't confuse the names after all that time unless you are really old and senile perhaps.

I used to have a good shield against all that so it took years before that crumbled and their toxic reached me. What I did to strengthen me was that I began to create and hold on and do more of things that had to do with my own life, my own friends, my own interests, my own activities away from my husband and his narc parent etc, and that whole structure as I could see the narc parent wanted my role to be inferior in the family, where as I could tell I was still the old me, the old me before I met my husband and all that began, outside of this family. I was still being loved or liked for who I was, what I could do, what I did do "out there".

There were protests as I was withdrawing, even from his narc-parent, but I was withdrawing because the one who was suppose to give me love and support and protection, my so called husband, did not convey that to me in ways I needed. I needed him to show his love for me in a different way, to fill what was empty. All of this was a process that I was not even fully aware off while I was in it. I only knew I was hurting in the relationship and that it felt as if 2 people with insecurities, the narc parent and my husband, was trying to step on me in order to feel better about themselves and their family and that I did not belong there or the work I had to do to improve my low status was too hard and not something I felt like doing anyways. Why would I? I could be with people that enjoyed me and liked me for who I was already. What would I do there? There were things they thought were traditional family times that I decided to be with my friends and their families instead. They had done triangulation to me in the past so I had no feeling of quilt, even if they wanted to quilt trip me, not to do that back in their faces. I wasn't having it no more. It was fresh air coming back into my lungs again. I was finding back to myself. I had sold myself too short, bit by bit, thinking of family and so on. It was only ideal, in my head, and not how these people were role cast. I think one of the best moments I had was when I said what is so superior about your family? I don't want to be part of your family.

We hardly have any sort of contact anymore with the narc-parent and my husband has realized fully now the damage the narc-parent has done to me, lots of things behind his or ours back as well, defaming etc. Just plain out lies with a spice of truth in them so that other people I had not even met yet were suppose to have that image of me and not like me. But they did like me and was to later warn me what the narc-parent was up to.

I remember I had been so brainwashed, put down, that when other guys showed interest in me, even if they now could see I had ring on and I did not flirt with them, I was genuinely surprised, even if that had been the deal before too, before I even met my husband. When I look back at photos I can see that I was pretty, just like others would tell me I was. It was very rare back then that my husband would give me compliments but he had no trouble giving me nonsense-critique, while I was the other way around. I know he did not come from a home where the one mainly raising him would give compliments, but point out what was seemingly wrong without a problem, like a stain you could not see with your eyes even if not really looking, on clothes.

My husband has taken accountability for where he went wrong in the past, went into therapy during our split before, still now working on himself.

Besides from yourselves, you don't have any family, relative that did not go along well with her or might have done something to her behind your back? Just saying if so then it is important to take that seriously and not leave it up to her to "work out" (like how was I suppose to work anything out with a narc-parent-in-law? It's impossible). For me it went to a length that I was starting to see the narc-parent and my husband as one and the same and let's not go with how relieved I felt when it was over between us that I did not have to deal with that narc-parent-in-law no more.

My husband claimed he was not aware of these things and try to point at all the other ways he tried to show me he loved me. I still have my scars from that though, can't be helped. I think if and when I see he has truly changed my guard will be let down but til then each time I let it down I get vulnerable and I get hurt, so then it goes up again to a level where I can take it and not be hurt at least. I will never go back to who I used to be. Never. Not for his sake or anyone else's. I'm looking out for myself now, the way he should have looked out for me. I should not had to have gone through any of this, he did this to me, when all I had done was to love him. He has apologized and so on, cried etc. Never wanted to loose me. Begging for a new chance.

These beautiful words you write here about her, do you think that could be something you could convey to her so then she knows? Maybe she thinks you look at her a different way? But that is all up to you of course. Maybe it is important for her that she knows? You had 10 years together, she must have loved you. You've must have had many good memories.

Good I think you're not doing the whole spell thing, really good if you ask me :)

Wow, your ex sounds like he has some major issues; someone like that shouldn’t be in a relationship until they work on themselves first. It seems as if he didn’t want to confront his own problems, so instead of trying to understand and fix himself, he projected it all on you, and tried to ‘fix’ (or change) you.
Also, with his diets and weight concerns, it’s as if he was so scared of confronting his own internal issues, that he instead became obsessed with external things.
Your line “The only toxin I need to be free of is yours”, was both true, and funny.

His parent sounds awful. And it’s terrible that he was telling you to go to the gym to make body parts look different, or ‘better’.
How long were the two of you together. If you don’t mind me asking, what was your height/weight that he didn’t like?

When I first got together with my ex, she wasn’t fat or chubby, but had a nice amount of weight on her that made her thick. She looked great. As the years passed she lost a small amount of weight and toned up a bit more. She was slim, but curvy, and still looked great. The last time I saw her (over a year after she left) she was extremely thin, almost bony-looking. I’m not sure what happened, but she looked tired, stressed, a lot older.

For the first 3 or 4 years, we were both equally sexual and had a very active sex life together. Then, the last couple years before she left, she totally lost interest (yet nothing had changed, except in her mind). We actually went an entire year without having sex. And after that, it didn’t happen often. If I ever tried to initiate it, she would seem irritated. Finally, she just started accusing me of only being interested in her for sex, and nothing else. And that was totally and completely not true. It was during this time that she also grew to resent me because I was happy with me, with her, with our life. And she needed distraction to keep her from confronting her own problems. She tried two different times to start a new career (school, studying, passing tests, getting certified); but they didn’t work. Once she saw that, I think that is what sent her in the direction of a new guy.

My family liked her, and she liked them.
As for currently, she won’t even respond to a text or email. I texted her last winter to tell her that our dog (that she had bought, that had lived with us for years before she left, and that came with me when we split) had died. She didn’t respond at all, not even “I’m sorry”. And the last time I saw her, a couple years ago, she walked right past me, barely made eye contact, and said nothing.

Hi, edited so this is second version.
Ah yes I was thinking if there were any warning signs before your ex cheated but I understand one does not want to see that and there is always that feeling of hope til no more.

I've had that experience too with someone else (not romantic) that that person thought if it only did this or that it would be happy but then once there wasn't, but then still did not understand it was looking for external fix on what was internal, just like you wrote was her problem at the time.

That is strange that she did not reply to the text message about your dog. It's a bit harsh. Then again I don't fully know the circumstances of why she would do that. Perhaps her number or cellphone is being watched by her current? Could be? that she did not dare to respond even? Is that possible you think? (I know because my cellphone has been more my husband's cellphone than mine so). I had an ex and we later got to be friends as in temporarily contact just because we knew the few of the same people, I knew where to draw the line but my line, my boundary was way too generous thought my husband and so I was very much aware of that and because I did not want to loose him I would tell the ex/friend that he could not contact me no more. When he later in life got in trouble I felt awful about that because it wasn't really my style. He reached out one final time because at the time they didn't know what it was, he had gotten sick, and he just wanted me to know my prior importance in his life. I still feel bad about that. It wasn't me. It was my fear. I did not handle that well. Wish I could have gone back in time and done it differently. I had no romantic feelings of him left but I did still appreciate parts of our old relationship, the good he gave, the good he was. Just thinking maybe her hands are tied, maybe it is not that she alone would have minded replying?

Was she perhaps too safe in your relationship? You being too stable of a guy? If you come from drama and trauma if you have not fixed that you are going to seek out someone who will not treat you right as that is "home" to you, tragic really. You've accepted that as your boundaries has been moved in a way it shouldn't be in the first place by your parents.

Oh I'm happy you at least did not have parent in law issues and that she was treated well by your folks.

Yes I am sure if she is that thin now and you've known her not to be this way all the time before could mean she is not happy as she is not in her comfy weight, that something is truly a burden to her in her life.

It sounds to me as if it was trauma the whole break up, understandably, even worse so when cheating, do you think you have healed the proper way from that? Sometimes when there is so much going on in too short a time and we are caught up in it, we can sort of think we have healed after it all, but have done so the best we could at the time, but really there are still just ugly stitches from that ? That is how it has been with me though. I had to go back and correct it so I could move on.

Or are you still in a way connected with her too, as in you at times get a glance of her feelings, essence? Meaning some parts of you are connected either through trauma but could also be because you have things in common and are moving in the same frequency regarding that? (I think I have had that happen)


Sorry I wrote so much about myself, sometimes or well most of the time I get too wrapped up with my own stuff. This thread was suppose to be about you and what you are going through. But now while we're on the topic ;) yes, he unfortunately was still chained down by his narc-family-ways and blind to what he was trying to pass on or at least to the toxic in it. He is working on himself now though.

Thanks for finding that line funny and to the point. Yes, thank you, that parent is. It does not bother me like it used to though. (deleted the rest I wrote first).

I understand you still love her but no matter how this will end I am just hoping you too are looking out for yourself and know that you too deserve to feel love in return and to function in a stable, happy relationship with someone, and not settle for just an intimate relationship when you want more.

I've thought some more about the varied lenght you described between intimacy/making love. I've read somewhere and can't remember where that it was supposebly some studie of heterosexual couples and it had come to the conclusions that the males were ready for the whole making love sooner than the females as they saw it as a mean to get close, while the females did not feel "safe" til all the other things that were in the way (problems) were rid of and then as some grand finale they would then feel more like making love.

So perhaps me thinking there was a misunderstanding between you and your ex, as when you wanted you two to be close (mentally, physically) to built further on, she did not read it as such?

I don’t know why she never responded to my texts or emails. My guess is simply that I am a reminder of her life with me (and that I know her so well), and she wants to keep running away from that. It’s also possible that her email and phone have changed, but I doubt that. The only other option is what you said-that the man she is with is controlling and won’t let her respond. But I doubt that too, since the few times I have seen her, she completely ignores me.

I haven’t healed from her lying, her cheating, her leaving, or her destroying our life together. It’s been over 5 years since she left. I haven’t been with another woman. I haven’t touched another woman. I don’t want another woman. Yes, I wish I could just magically forget her and get over and past her, but that isn’t going to happen. I dream about her almost every single night. In some dreams we are together and happy; in some she is being cruel to me and with someone else; other dreams about her are purely sexual.

All day and all night, almost everything I see, hear, etc reminds me of her. And without being too graphic, whenever I pleasure myself, I think only of her.

SyFoster, I really feel for you. I see.

I've known women who have been (someone might still be) in a abusive relationship and trust me they had that whole pride, serious, not making eye contact, not with anyone, def no man and would def no ex. I was like that myself while I was in an abusive relationship and as I was coming out of it. But I don't think anyone could guess that. Often they portray women in movies that when they go through abuse, mental, physical, that they are these little birds with shoulders hanging down and looking down, and while yes that could also be true, the other "image" that nothing-going-on-here can also be. Not saying she is and that is why she has even refused to make eye contact with you, but saying it could be. Also what some people don't seem to know is that narcissists or other people wanting power they can look for social power and that social power exists within religions and so I have met few people who tried to ride on that, that social status, and I noticed that other people automatically thought they were good people just because they were religious and/or had a position within the church, and believe me they were not. They also acted as if they took for granted that everyone would of course give them special treatments because they were good people (and what, the rest of us were not?). If this guy has brainwashed her with his social status, religious talk but in a manipulative way, that could by now (after 5 years) explain why she is so thin which is not her comfy-weight. I think no matter your comfy weight if you move away from that too much there is something too much going on, something.

I for sure think you need help with this, but how? I had a bad break up in the past where I ended up seeing a shrink as he gave me freaken panic attacks at the end of it, he had been abusive and I was afraid of him but showing my fear of him was the last thing I was ever going to do and I was trying to work against my own fear when it got to be too much there for a period, but that was a different matter because I did not love him so it was easier for me to move on in one way, but not from the abuse that took place, that was trickier, way trickier. Even as I knew I did not love him it was still a close call he got me back and that was down to fear and me having a low self esteem and being isolated in a way that there were mainly his enablers, even friend/s that were suppose to be mine were now his and he could manipulate them and did, to get to me. The thing working for him was that as long as I doubted my own voice, my own perseption of reality, he had the upper hand so I actually went to a shrink trying to get help as I was ashamed of myself, thinking I should be stronger than this, and that maybe I had these panic attacks as there was something crazy about me. Had he been able to still keep me while I got the panic attacks he could have convinced other people, and make me doubt my reality, that it was other factors (not the relationship in itself) that had created that and that now he was going to take good care of me, his image would be then strengthen from all this, while my ability would not be, and I knew nobody would believe me in our circles of what he was really like, they did not see the manipulation. For some reason I had a good eye and could see and would fight with him before in the past on how he manipulated other people, but when it came down to myself it was harder for me to see that. The more I saw what an ugly character he was was really when he was off guard, not thinking I could see what he was doing, saying to other people but I had a very strong instinct to see the little things and to get angry and wanting to protect other people. My anger was helping me, it was given me strength but he did not want me angry then of course so he would try to manipulate his way of doing that as well.

When he had first began dating me I was someone fun loving and positive and had lots of friends and good things going on in my life and I was for starters someone who was not desperate to be in a relationship but could at that time very well go without. I would say the mental abuse really got bad the second time around (I had left him once and he would forever punish, hate me for that, but at the time he took on the blame and apologized and got me back. then he was Mr Charming for quite some time, and then when he got me hooked and it would be trickier for me to get out, it was as if he took off a mask. Like he had planned this al along. And that was when it began. I think a part of him got pleasure thinking he could wreck me, but I also think he got aware that he went too far because then he was having trouble getting me back, and I suppose neither of us had guessed I would be able to do that, as then my self esteem was so battered, and this whole world he had built up and too he thought I would doubt my own voice, my own reality, but he had made one mistake. Just one mistake. That was initiating our trial separation (to then only say he had come to the conclusion he wanted to continue, as if he alone called the shots? No way in hell). I came to realize he had never been serious about the trial separation in the first place, it was only an action to help put me down. He had never, through the entire relationship even when acting as if he did not care about me, let me go. He had never let me go. He knew just where I was and what I was doing. Him acting as if he did not care was a role he played, but in reality he would give me things to do and have somehow his friends connected to me, me helping them with some project or me helping care for something else, even if he knew he would be away from me and he always, always had some event or something further ahead that he would tell me about, that we would go together, and there was always something there so I had to finish that something, and then something else (practical) was there that I had to finish and so on. He was circulating around me, but I did not know that, I only knew he was away and I had more "freedom". So he always knew. He had never had it in his head to let me go. It was an act. And I remember telling the shrink that no he had not been interested in me for a long time, had withdrawn from me, had better things and better people to be around and that now he was sick of me, that I irritated him by my presence alone, and so he initiated this trial separation and I thought for sure now it is over, he has found someone else or not, but he has let me go. No. He had for sure not! I think it irritated him that a part of me was harder for him to crack than what he had thought and that I would not take the bite when he would be irritated or angry with me but stay calm, look him in the eye (you always look people in the eye as an equal) and not make his stuff about me, not take on the blame. It had been one of those things when I had been like this silent mirror when he had tried to blame his irritation on me, that was clearly about him and me saying something like "If you feel this way so be it" or something of the sort. I did not make it mine. He hurt me but I did not make it mine. It wasn't my stuff, simple as that. It was his. Had it been my stuff I would have apologized and I remember at first I was so close to even apologize but something inside me just went "No", that I knew this was about him, and how he described me and how I made him feel was not how other people in my past had and would have described me and they, the memory of that, of the good stuff they had told me, and how well I was treated by other people in general, just made me think "No". That he was in clear minority. He had overestimated himself. I also in that moment saw his ugliness and I have later thanked God for that moment because it made me see him for what he really was, not the image he had tried to sell me and the image some enablers saw. I am sure those who saw what I saw were no longer in his life or at best at a clear distance (like one of his parents was who I think knew what he was really about), they weren't there to support me but had they been they would go yea you're right, he's doing ugly things to other people and to you and you should get on without him, best thing you can do for yourself. But they weren't there. I was either isolated or I was with his enablers. And that was it.

That breathing spot I got, that was all I got. But I had to make it count, so that I could get the hell away from him. I am sure had I gone back he would be Mr Charming again for some period, and then again the abuse would start. They want control above all, and they can't get no control unless you don't give it to them but you have to have enough clarity, strength to do that and everyone cracks up sooner or later if they are constantly, and I was constantly, under this mental abuse with no help to get from our surrounding. If I thought I am the weak one, I am the one who has failed him, us, he would still have me in his power. But fortunately for me I went to see a really good shrink who knew abuse when she saw it and knew what had happened to me and told me I was not crazy. He did not know about her. She was in my corner. And so I was standing up. Finally standing up. And then I was out and I never returned.

I have never been as underweight as I was while in the relationship with him and as I was going out of it. I was so underweight that when i was to try something new in a store I could not find anything in my size and the woman working there told me for me to find that I had to go over to the children's department. That was one of the clues I had, one of my Aha moments when I realized he was killing me. he was not around, but I was dying right then and there. I made a decision then and there to start to eat. I had been so wrapped up in everything I had not really studied my body in the mirror.

While in the relationship everything was going on in cycles/phases with him, the whole classic abusive-patterns, these cycles/phases existed no matter what I did, I could not avoid them and he had targeted me so I was being drawn into this even as I was trying to fight it. People thought I was so lucky. That he gave me everything. That how dare I say something bad about him (one time when I did try, a cry for help and my so called best friend turned on me). So if she is stuck in something like that it can be extremely hard for her to get out and just as me and him had the "perfect life", the "perfect image" (he was taking good care of his image, socially, professionally, image was everything) I was so gaslighted I doubted my own inner voice, I had moments when my reality-check was really working, got a good pulse on that one, but then other times when I was sort of in this fog and I couldn't fight it.

Your situation is so different, but perhaps it could help you to talk to someone, maybe someone professional, maybe family, if you haven't tried family so far yet?

Pardon me for "saying" it, but lots of guys do not talk the way I think women talk about their heartbreaks, break ups with other women and I think the way some women talk can help the one going through this really tough period of her life.

There is trauma, heartbreak, and what seem to me obsession. Given it has been 5 years and time is slipping you by, I think the trauma is so deep that you do need help to get to the next step of the process of healing. Some people do this as if it is the most natural thing to do, and I envy them actually, but then again maybe it has not been trauma to the extent then that you have and am going through, as well as stuff I have been through in the past or it has been that I am simply someone who can and have been stuck on one of the steps on my way to healing and just stuck there - for years. I thought "healing" was just something that was suppose to have by itself almost as time went by and so did life and I would forget. I did not have much of a clue, besides I did not know what exactly to do, besides from the ugly stitches I had made myself in a hurry before in the past while stuck in it, but turns out they even got lists for these type of processes and healing.

I understand you only want her back and that would fix everything, but you really have to take care of yourself right now, when you are at the present without her.

It sounds like you’ve had some bad experiences with men; sorry about that. Are you single now?

As far as me, I don’t sit around each day and try to think about her. It just happens randomly, on its own. Same with the dreams- she’s in them almost every night, but I don’t consciously want to dream about her. And again, from the purely sexual point of view-I don’t want to physically ache to touch her again, but I do. None of this keeps me from daily living. I eat, shower, go to work, etc. And I don’t sit around looking at pictures of her. I don’t look at any social media of hers.

I’m not going to talk with a professional. I already know the kind of advice they would give. It wouldn’t help. Do I want her back?-Yes. Do I want her even purely physically?-Yes. Do I realize that the odds and chances of her actually being in my life in any way are extremely low and highly unlikely?-Yes, of course. Odds are I will never see or speak to her again.

Part of me just wishes I could meet a decent woman who is not looking for a relationship, but would enjoy physical/sexual interaction for a while. I honestly think if I could have regular sex for a few weeks with someone else, that would help tremendously in getting over my ex. Of course I have no clue how I would even meet someone like that. But it would help my process. Especially after zero female contact for 5 years.

I understand. Good that you are up and running, functioning like that. I was starting to get a little nervous, hi hi.

Not from personal experience but I know people who has had "friends with benefits"-relationships as they are now called, usually it has happened after a break up and when they have not been ready to go into another just yet.

As far as I know they have just stated their case what they want and the other one has said yes or no to that, but it always ends up with someone being hurt, so far at least what I have been told, but then again they sort of know this I suppose or someone will stop it when one develop feelings while the other one don't, then it's the one who don't who has to end it as the other one most likely have more hope that the other one will come around. Some last longer, some shorter. What ever works I guess.

I know people who have been in love with someone til they found someone new to fall in love with, so no gap in between. Maybe that could happen for you?

Thank you for your sympathy. I am sure I have done things wrong as well, things I know about and things I don't know about that only the other one can say something about. I am not single. Still married. Still trying to make it work.

I've edited, deleted as I wrote way too much again. Sorry about that.

I wish you all the best with everything :)