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-   -   What to make of my spiritual walk? (http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/showthread.php?t=141732)

KayLynn 13-10-2021 10:20 AM

What to make of my spiritual walk?
 
Hello,

I'm kind of new to all of this, so forgive me if I don't have the right terminology for this.

I've long been fascinated by spiritually dark entities (negative entities/demons/dark spirits, etc. Whatever you want to call them). This has been happening since I was 12 and had my first known spiritual experience: experiencing a presence (I feel presences, light and dark, positive and negative, good and bad. Clairsentience is the proper term, I think). I cannot understand what drew me to the darkness, but I was drawn.

I felt as if my stomach/intuition screamed "no" at me then, but I had no reservations with dabbling in things others might consider "evil" or "bad," so I decided to learn more about the spirit world in general, and specifically about demons (I'm assuming this is because it was my only frame of reference for "dark" things, even though I didn't believe in/knew almost nothing about this concept).

As time went on, I looked into theistic Satanism, even did some of the inviting rituals and things of that nature. Then I decided it wasn't for me, but kept on with the occultism practices and later delved into the esoteric simply out of sheer curiosity.

I didn't think so at the time -- being the skeptic that I was -- but things like spirit boards, pendulums, automatic writing, and conjuring sigils worked for me. So well, in fact, I was convinced none of it was really real and it was all in my head. I'm an absolute "natural" at things divination-wise, and I have not a clue why.

I shoved it away and shut it all out, thinking all this stuff was nonsense. Eventually, a few years later, I became a Christian. I did not believe in demons/the devil at first -- I was done with all that and did not want to waste my energy on such a negative thing when I had a positive change in my life.

About two years into the faith, I started experiencing a"dark" beckoning again to communicate with these strange beings of darkness, whatever they were and that meant. I could not understand why. It literally came out of the blue! Nothing had triggered or caused it to swell up. Many times, even now, I think that maybe I shouldn't mess with these beings, and that they are evil/bad/demonic in nature, but something in me wants to for seemingly no good reason!

I have not been able to shake this desire. I inevitably caved and began communicating with a being (and many others, some good, most negative or perhaps neutral?) on a spirit board. I have supposedly been in contact with this same spirit (I do feel their energy, and it is consistent) for the past two years off and on. They claim that they are sent to "tempt" me or "guide" me when I ask why they've stuck around even after attempting to get rid of them and the other entities and protecting myself. They also straight up call themselves a demon/devil. I don't know why I never ended the connection, something about them intrigues me.

I have also heard before that some feel as if demons (or daemons) can be spirit guides (not necessarily evil or negative). I've wondered if this left-hand path is something I should follow. As such, I've been interested in demonology. I even attempted to conjure one of the 72 demons of the Key of Solomon. I'm not sure if it was successful as intended, but I did end up in the presence of a spirit which claimed to be Astarte/Ashtoreth. It was very exciting!

I do not know what to make of all this!

I read this whole thing back now and realize it sounds a little nuts, but I do believe in the spirit world and have come to the conclusion that these experiences are genuine (partially due to experiences my own mother has had, which I found out about in my adult years.). You don't have to believe me. I'm just real confused more than anything. I wasn't even sure where to post this, to be honest. Please move it if you need to.

Advice? Can these kinds of entities really be spirit guides? Can they be sent to me? I suppose they could be my own mind, but experience to me says these are external forces/persons. Why is my walk so dark? Should I be concerned?

Unseeking Seeker 13-10-2021 04:25 PM

Hello KayLynn,

Welcome to SF.

Short answer: We create our own reality. Trauma bonding contracts, be it in flesh or spirit or whatever. Stop. Feel God within the heart centre, alive, aglow, vibrant, blissful, throbbing. Surrender mind therein. Then just be still. For as long as it takes.

BigJohn 13-10-2021 04:44 PM

As a second thought, when we enter some place we are not familiar with and the lights are off, we generally are very apprehensive. The same thing happens when we are experiencing things we know very little about. This, combined with what Unseeking Seeker wrote, can 'create' a different reality.

KayLynn 13-10-2021 10:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss Hepburn
Concerned? I would be...I don't even talk about or open to anything about the dark stuff...
that door is closed and 'they' know it!

I wish I knew how to close the door. I’ve been trying the avoidance, banishing and ignoring thing for years and it hasn’t been successful yet.

Miss Hepburn 13-10-2021 11:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KayLynn
I wish I knew how to close the door. I’ve been trying the avoidance, banishing and ignoring
thing for years and it hasn’t been successful yet.

Get your strength up, girlfriend...like when you're mad and have had enough!!!
That power is what it takes...
There is not a dark entity of any kind that even thinks about coming around ME!
See what I mean!?
There is no 'wishy washy' about it! You have the power...and they do NOT!

Unseeking Seeker 14-10-2021 04:24 AM

Fear … any fear, is rooted in attachment to mind-body. Fear of all fears being death of this form. Now, as soul eternal, with God Himself dwelling in the cave of our glowing heart, if our attention prayerfully rests therein, nestled in the bliss currents vivifying our form, this here now material identity, we are in the light!

Then, the so called dark entity or demon … for a moment, let’s say it’s real, let our response to it be compassion. The entity too wishes to go into the light. So ask God, the God omnipresent, the God within, to transform the misaligned consciousness, with His divine essence. Good deed of the day.

What actually happens is this: we do not feed our fear. We look at it with curious nonchalance. Fear has no independent existence of its own, so it bursts noiselessly in the void.

Thoughts. Write it down, write it down. Look at them. Not ours, yet here they are! How amusing! Let this be our orientation. Moment to moment to moment.

Or then, there are mediums who can assist (quite effectively) if they are seamlessness ‘connected’. Very few are.

Surround yourself with positivity. Fill yourself visually with healing divine light. Gold, white and violet seem to be in vogue! Go for it!

KayLynn 14-10-2021 06:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss Hepburn
Get your strength up, girlfriend...like when you're mad and have had enough!!!


This comment made my day. I was losing faith fast in strength, but I think you might be right about this.

KayLynn 14-10-2021 06:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Unseeking Seeker
Hello KayLynn,

Short answer: We create our own reality. Trauma bonding contracts, be it in flesh or spirit or whatever.


I don't know too much about this subject, but I doubt trauma caused the spurring of this. Not sure really. Have had a very happy, positive life as a whole.

KayLynn 14-10-2021 06:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigJohn
As a second thought, when we enter some place we are not familiar with and the lights are off, we generally are very apprehensive.


Quote:

Originally Posted by Unseeking Seeker
Fear any fear, is rooted in attachment to mind-body. Fear of all fears being death of this form.


I wouldn't say I'm apprehensive or fearful of these entities. Other things in life? Mostly anxiety, but not terrible. Though I suppose death is a little scary for everyone.

Mainly, I feel empowered when I come across these beings, not scared or frightened 99% of the time. It's when I've come "face to face" that I've feared that perhaps I was making a huge mistake somehow.

KayLynn 14-10-2021 08:11 AM

The biggest issue for me is that I feel like I've tried to rid myself of it, and I'm fed up with fighting. It makes me think that maybe I'm not supposed to, or maybe it's a bait and hook. I don't know what or who to believe anymore.

I've been praying today just to quell my mind's unrest. I've always talked to God like a best friend, but it's hard to square my desires with my theism. It feels incompatible. As if I'm to choose between light and dark. This tension doesn't seem to go away and has only gotten worse since I started truly pushing back against the dark. By day, I lead a normal life. Some days I have real spiritual and mental duress. I just want to respond better for once and not lose the motivation to keep positive. This issue sucks the life out of me it feels like, because of the subject matter. Because I can't seem to shake the feeling away. It can't be healthy?


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