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-   -   Empaths caring for self first (https://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/showthread.php?t=145799)

blackraven 15-01-2023 04:34 PM

Empaths caring for self first
 
If you're an empath you already know that as an empath, we usually put other's emotional needs before our own. It's just our nature because we're so in tuned with how others are feeling.

But what happens when others want something from us and we put our needs first? For me it's a rarity that I put my needs first, but in having lived a lot of life, I've been pushing back lately and stating what I will or won't do.

I am overwhelmed with loud crowds and big get togethers, such as family holiday parties. I recently sent a dish with my spouse that I cooked to a family holiday party, only I stayed home. I insulted the host (my sister-in-law) and I was told she was disappointed I did not come.

I knew how uncomfortable I would have been had I gone to the party, what with all the various people there. Instead of giving in to expectations, I did what I felt I needed to do for myself for a change only to feel I messed up, let someone I care for down, felt guilty and selfish for my actions.

I told my spouse I'd like to explain to my sister-in-law why I didn't come and it's nothing personal, but he said his family doesn't care to hear about such stuff like living as an empath. :icon_frown:

Just love 15-01-2023 06:22 PM

I think that is exactly why some feel like being an empath is a curse. Most of the time it's great, because we don't know any difference, assuming that it's just normal. Other times, not so much, like in your case. Feeling the emotions of a room full of people can be quite a handful, it really is a gift though, there just needs to be more empathy everywhere!

blackraven 15-01-2023 07:34 PM

Just love - Yes indeed, I agree with what you said. After the party passed I began being angry with myself for not bucking up and going, taking one for the team. I used to go and literally felt like I was going too lose control of myself in the midst of the crowd and scream or say something stupid. Seems like when I put my needs first, it always ends up hurting someone's feelings badly and that's precisely what this empath doesn't want to do. Ugh But I wouldn't change being as sensitive as I am for anything.

Just love 15-01-2023 07:49 PM

Try not to be angry with yourself, you were honest with your spouse, that should be enough. You can only take one for the team so many times, then you get burned out and quit the team. It's a balancing act sometimes, I agree!

BirbWhisperer 17-01-2023 05:26 PM

@blackraven

There's nothing selfish about looking after your own health and wellbeing first! YOU are your first responsibility!

I don't attend family gatherings either. This is because some of my family members give off an awful energy. Imagine, fearful competitiveness with a sort order of angry righteousness. At the slightest provocation (say, if you disagree with their beliefs) they throw a wall of furious attack energy at you along with horrible words and ill feelings. They can't stand any opposing opinion whatsoever. I find this immensely rude and antisocial.

They're also psychic vampires. Every time I spend any time with them I come away exhausted and feeling worse about myself than usual. So I avoid them. I'm not sorry for that. I don't spend my leisure time with toxic people, it doesn't matter to me if we share blood or not. Toxicity is toxicity.

You send over a dish of food and that is an effort in itself, if your sister in law is offended I think that's on her, not on you. Some people look for every opportunity to be offended just so they have something (or someone!) to complain about!

I admire you for sticking to your guns and not kowtowing to social pressure, frankly. :hug2:

Native spirit 17-01-2023 08:45 PM

In order for you to help anyone you have to help yourself first. how can you help anyone when you cant help yourself.
I learnt this some years back. I was doing so much that i was Exhausted I looked after a friend who was so Negative that no one would speak to her.
it didn't bother me as i just shrugged it off.
I went to my nieces wedding she asked if she could come even though she didn't know my niece
She kept phoning me all the time i was there until i told her that I would not answer her again.
no one would speak to her as she was draining them.


Namaste

blackraven 18-01-2023 05:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BirbWhisperer
I admire you for sticking to your guns and not kowtowing to social pressure, frankly. :hug2:


Thank you for the support BirbWhisperer!!! It's so gratifying to know other people out their set healthy boundaries just like me. I too avoid toxic energy vampires as well. It's too hard to shake their energy off otherwise.

blackraven 18-01-2023 05:51 PM

Native Spirit - Your friend sounded like an energy vampire. My Dad has been chair-bound for a number of years now and I just know every time I'm getting ready to walk in his house, his negative energy will suck the life out of me. He was like this before he was chair-bound. He just refuses to see anything in a positive light.

FairyCrystal 19-01-2023 02:48 PM

The thing with family is that you get them whether you like them or not. And this goes the other way round as well: just because you are relatives doesn't mean that they like you either.
The thing to learn is to accept this. Accept that they aren't necessarily how you would like people to be but that at the same time they're still relatives. That goes for in-laws as well as our own blood relatives.
If you can accept that they may be totally not the way you like, totally different people and/or lifestyle, it becomes much easier to digest. Then you also let go of the urge to try and change them, often subconsciously behind this stuff.
You then take it all less personally as you can accept them as they are, and this sets you and them free. It also allows you then to smile and say, "I know you like XYZ, but it's not me."
With some you can meet in the middle, with others not at all.
You have to learn to be okay with that as that is what acceptance is.
It doesn't mean you will get along just because you're related.

Starting to see and do this is also a great way to deal with issues with parent(s).
Accept family as they are, find resonance among friends.

As for being a pleaser... this is not necessarily an empath thing. It is a thing for people with low self-esteem and no healthy boundaries.
Most people-pleasers are the latter.
And even as an empath you can learn to not pick up so much anymore. If you're an empath and experience pleasing it very likely has to do with low self-esteem and not having healthy boundaries.

blackraven 19-01-2023 05:38 PM

FairyCrystal - Thank you for your generous input. Many of what you said reminds me of a book I'm almost done reading, "The Healed Empath" and how in setting healthy boundaries can leave an empath feeling fearful and anxious at first. I recently told a family member that in another year I would be taking a step back from providing daycare to their children. I assumed they would be furious, but they simply said they were open to suggestions. So I gave them some, which were well received. It's a give and take thing for sure.


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