I Love Him Still
 

I joined Spiritual Forums because when I talk to people about how I am thinking/feeling, they tell me to move on. I feel invalidated as if my thoughts and feelings don't matter. I have had the most confusing relationship with a guy I met when I was a teenager. I am now in my 40s. I have loved him since we first dated, but I doubt he would think that I loved/still love him since I left and cut off communication. I need a place to work out my thoughts/feelings without having them immediately dismissed. I want to share with another living soul who will understand me and give me honest feedback instead of judgment about what I am going through . Therefore, I am happy to have found this forum. I am new to the concept of twin flames/twin flame journey. Who knows if he is my twin flame or some other soul connection? All I know is that loving him has been my greatest joy and losing him has been the deepest pain I have ever experienced. I have always thought about him throughout my life. I wanted to live my life with him. Now, here I am trying to make sense of all this. My name is a combination of our junior high school mascots. My school's mascot was the Cardinal and his was the Comet.

Most here will not dismiss you. Your feelings are valid.
People might say move on because they don't want you hurting...and
and they aren't sensitive about this kind of thing.
I have a tendency to think deep feelings are left over from other lives with the person.
But then, this life we may have other roles to follow. Alas.

The love you feel is beautiful...what you would like to happen that isn't is what is painful!!
You are in good company here. :)

Hello and welcome to the forums. :smile:

How come you left ? Was the love too much to handle ? And moreover.. How come you never came back ? Answer if you want, no judging !

Loving Him is a Part of Who I Am
 

I broke up with him when we were teenagers.

I did attempt to go back to him in 2005. I had been thinking about him and asking a guy I met through him how he was doing whenever I saw the guy.

When I reached out to my love, he was happy to hear from me, and we talked a few times. He was in a relationship, so I backed off after receiving advice from family/friends who stated that I should move on and find someone to love me now. The advice was that it would have been improper for me to interfere with his current relationship. I would have been wrong to even tell him how I felt because his girlfriend deserved a fair chance with him. I should even talk to him because of his relationship. I was heartbroken, yet very logical and committed to doing the right thing. I said nothing about my feelings or desire to be with him and stopped communicating with him even when he reached out through others.

I know my mistake was not just having the conversation with him. I told others I loved him, but I did not tell him. I could have remained in communication with him. I feel bad. I didn't intend to dismiss him. Not talking to him was horrible advice. I should have been authentic and self expressed. I know that was weird.

I regretted/regret it. I attempted to write him several times, but I am unsure if he received the messages through an online platform. I couldn't just call him because I had gotten rid of his number in my attempt to get over him, and I hadn't seen the mutual guy friend since.

I saw my love in 2006, and he shook his head at me. He was passing by in a car, and I was on the street. Funny thing is that I was thinking about him, and wanted connect with him. Every time he looked at me, I noticed light radiating from his eyes. He loved me. Even in that moment of his expressed disappointment, I saw it. I saw love in his eyes.

After that, I tried to look for him on social media, but couldn't find him. I went back to get advice from family/friends. I was called obsessed and crazy. Told I didn't really love him, and that I should move on. So, again I attempted to move on. I didn't want to be obsessed. I hadn't fully processed everything at that time. I didn't know what was going on with me.

The thing is that he always comes back to my mind and heart. It is like an inexplicable, inescapable thing. It baffles my mind. If I could have put this behind me I would. I have spent time alone. I have dated other people. I am currently in a relationship, and still I think of him. I still love him. Perhaps, I should have trusted myself and followed my heart instead of listening to so much bad advice. They may have meant well, but the advice was not good for me.

Finally found him on social media in 2021. Now, he's married to someone else. Not the girlfriend he had in 2005. Someone he met in college that he reconnected with years later. They started dating around the time I was crying over him to a cousin who called me obsessed. I have finally accepted that loving him is a part of me. I am not trying to bury or get over that now. I really want to heal from this and be happy as well. I pray the best for him always.

I messed up. I accept that I love him. Now, I am seeking to move forward. I have thought about contacting him just to say:

1. I apologize for discontinuing communication and disappearing.
2. Thank you for loving me.
3. I loved you then, and I love you now.
4. I pray the best for you.

Just don't want to add not apologizing for my actions to be added to my list of regrets. Yet, I am hesitant to reach out.

I doubt anyone would be judgemental or dismiss your feelings as these are yours and there's nothing to judge.

But since you've been unhappy about people telling you to move on then it's almost impossible to suggest anything useful. You've already discovered you and he have diverged. You aren't the same people who first met. A couple of decades (at least) have passed. They contain a lot of accumulated experience of life and people so, whatever memories you're clinging to, rerunning that bit of history is highly unlikely.
Furthermore, if as you say "since I left and cut off communication. " something caused your dissatisfaction. That's all part of the history now.


So as I see it, it really is up to you to make choices. There's nothing wrong with still loving him (unsure what you mean by the word 'love' but whatever it may be) but obsession will never allow you peace within yourself. It may be worth serious contemplation attempting to be utterly honest over what you find out. You're seriously short-changing yourself as things are.
.

Wow...

I understand. You were just afraid. To do things wrong. I feel for you so much..

About the bad advice, it wasn't bad or good, I would say they just can't feel what you feel. None of us in life really know "how to". Well that is, until we do. You did what you thought was best, at the time, and this time you are figuring what's best on your own ! It's good.

Personally, I never got married to the person I am with for a similar reason. Similar, but different, in a different way.

About reaching out, I won't tell you what to do, but offer advice, which is only there for you to inspire yourself of but in no way an obligation : if you reach out to say just that, to apologize and no other thought in the back of your mind, then you will at least have that off your chest. If you don't then it is fine too. If you can't do it now but feel ready to do it later, then do it later.

It can really get complicated between two people, huh ? You're not a bad person, you did your best back then.. and now you are not okay with what your best was yesterday, so let that be a teacher for tomorrow, and live today.

:hug2:

Thanks!
 

Thank you.

ExcerptWell, gee, what real harm could happen if you wrote him that ...it sure would be good for YOU!
Get it off your chest...short and sweet...good idea.
People in AA revisit people all the time to say what they need to ---it is part of the healing process.
No. 1 above - I would add...''I was young''.

I find my obsession with my flame is healthy- we have the world at our twin flame experience-we are at the account of a twin with a flame or a flame with a twin-sometimes we are away from each other years at a time:and at my first fall I didn’t believe I had a twin flame but at least one of us knew better-and with validation from her side that continued to grow up together: at first the children came :then she came as a child and I was a child-we had a brief childhood knowing with knowledge we are flames(granted our atom states were in adulthood- it wasn’t until we meet at adulthood did we start to have a relationship... when I almost cheated...she told me we were together-and we should stay faithful-that done it for me,but the account wasn’t without its grievance and ups and downs- sometimes we wouldn’t manifest while the other one was:but we had talked since then;so I suppose things were in the commitment fade/faze but we went without doubt because the manifesting -this was painful while we would spend years apart and all we had was our growing up /still keeping our childhood innocence-but knowing at the atom level we were in adulthood and divined one another-these things have issues including immigration, partners, marriage even children-but some how it doesn’t stop the flame/ some where split apart others manifested together: I was in the wave that reincarnated as a flame(when the account lets you down at times-stray avartars, and manifesting issues) the problems seems to amount up/ all you have is when your together and how strong your love is for one and another-being my self(my I am) my twin-our flame is never apart and I’m thankful because of cheating, problems that some twins face at this present time : without a doubt the hardest thing you’ll go through-but with a message to keep persevering- pressed things become and outlooks dull-but amongst it the obsession is alive(telling us to keep in control,to keep feeding the flame,telepathic communication joining the flame:making it rage...

If he’s married there’s nothing you can do but wait for him to come to you-or for the relegation to end-find strength to maintain the self, and find source-that your doing the right thing-if your meant to be it will find a way-years apart there is nothing to do but explore-words ,wise words against you..you’ll thank your troubles and grieving-will find peace to move on... but how can you fully move on if your twins-it’s a friendship, one that needs a lot of courage (when I was alone I’d focus on being a jumper, travelling the world and having fun... �� may it find you too...I hope you find peace with it-there’s nothing worse than holding on and not knowing or the other one going off with others and leaving you in the lurch:hold on for as long as you can hold on -especially if there’s a hint he is holding on-I know I’d want to see commitment....

Moving Forward
 

I am fully committed to dealing with myself, healing, and moving forward. I just want to make my own decisions now. I followed what others recommended before, and I am over living my life that way. I trust myself to do what is best for me. I choose to be 100% authentic with myself and others. I do not wish to cause anyone harm, and I do not have any expectations.

It just feels better for me to get this out. To vent and not be judged. How am I short changing myself?

I am not reliving memories. I am living the life I am and he is living his. I sincerely wish the best for him. I realized that love is not possession, and I can love him. That is ok. That is just what it is. I am ok with myself and my feelings. I can deal with them. Well, at least I am acknowledging them.

He just always comes back to my mind and heart. Just lingering around. I can't help that, and honestly, I would prefer it didn't happen. I accept it now.


[quote=Lorelyen]I doubt anyone would be judgemental or dismiss your feelings as these are yours and there's nothing to judge.
But since you've been unhappy about people telling you to move on then it's almost impossible to suggest anything useful.