A jew hating judiasm and god
Maybe a rant. Alot of anger and hate pent up over months
Im not religous anymore. We were in our family. I went to a yeshiva when i was small and then to a jewish day school in riverdale ny
I now live in israel. Worst mistake in my life to move here.
I have been going through a lot of hardships as of late. What seems to be very bad coincidences and very bad luck. A grey cloud that follows me. All together whixh just seems like winning the lotto would be better odds
All day everyday I cirse at god. I wish I could disconnect myself from hating "him" moving to atheism but I cant get this built up hate I have for him. I cant stop myself. I cry from hysteria at times as it seems to unreasonable bomabrded with bad luck all the time and its a bad cycle.
What can one offer me suggestions wise to disconnect my thought from god and judiasm together. Throw ideas at me to do this please
Please suggest only what I need help with please
I doubt if you would have posted here if you were a committed atheist.
You're not committed. You are unsure?
There is nothing "bad" about being an atheist if that's how you really feel. My Dad was one, and he was a lovely person .
Maybe you just are going through a spiritual crisis of some kind and will find your own ways and your own balance in time. It really doesn't matter what "label" you put on yourself. Your true Soul is beyond all those labels anyway.
Just do the best with life, honouring those things you hold most dear. Don't worry too much about where exactly you fit. You will find your place, if you keep walking with your Soul's purpose in mind.
It may not be easy if you have expectations from family members who are religious. That is your own character lesson, and there is no-one can tell you how to work through that.
But your own independence of belief and freedom to be who you are (or who you are finding out you might be) is yours alone. No one else's. Good luck and may you find the journey interesting and continually evolving.
thank you for the kind words
I am not an atheist. my moms side is very religious and I went to yeshiva in Manhattan as a child. we are not religious now at all. my brother is atheist but hes a science and computer programmer guy and everything has to calculated and be logical. and hes happier than me. he doesnt have this issue.
I already burned my mezuzot yamaka and tehilim I had.
I would love to disconnect from god and be atheist. I cant do it though. all day everyday I curse at him out loud. Im looking like an idiot talking to myself. I finger him and say nasty things. all day. I have massive pent up anger and hate for him. I may be one of the only jews who hates jews and judiasm.
Maybe you just are going through a spiritual crisis of some kind
probably. I never had such bad luck and such coincidences. its just not reasonable that theyre all together. even my brother says im having a huge stroke of bad luck. and the only religion he believes is , is religion of the jedi in star wars. I feel at times my sanity is gone.
we had lockdown and I had no work. going from wedding photographer to working in a small supermarket. we had cops come in. many time already I would run the cycle of stealing a gun from the female officer who come in the evening to buy some snacks and shoot myself. if you gave me a gun I would not hesitate a millisecond to shoot myself . I just dont know how id remove the safety or how to fire it. I ask not to wake in the morning.
I already thought of the other ways but it would be too much effort or suffering. a gun would be best. we cant buy guns here like you can in the usa in every store. you go through hell of background checks.
I dont talk to my family or friends from stress. I hear there troubles all the time and they cant relate to my situation so I tell them on whatsapp im busy.
if I had a technique to disconnect my mind from god. I would then slowly could move over to atheism but instead im just cursing and holding anger at him. its like wanting to move on from an ex but you cant since they are in your mind and breaks you emotionally.
I have to say it all started from june last year. I had a bad motorcycle accident. 7 broken ribs collapsed left lung and broken collar bone. after healing, usually people are so happy to be alive and have energy for life.
I felt the opposite. I had a very sharp focused picture of life. it was nothing special. life people and in general was just a boring concept. it felt like I woke from the matrix and saw people all around on auto pilot not seeing what **** life really is. tons of hardships people go through around the world. day to day suffering and nothing to show for when they die.
long rant. apologies. I wish I could erase that I knew of god or a higher power from my head. I think id be in a better place.
Get well informed about topics such as evolutionary biology, palaeontology, and geology and once you have a good grasp of it all you'll have zero reason to believe in creationism and any belief in god will be an entertaining thought but not a necessity to explain the journey of 'life'. I can't guarantee you'll become an atheist but I find science to be superior in casting doubt on the existence of god than any moral argument against god ((which is whiny, imo)).
Realize that your rant at god is you fighting with yourself, with the image and idea you have of a 'god'. You don't have to hate your culture, you can enjoy the traditions in a secular way. There's secular Jews just as there are atheists who call themselves cultural Christians.
Supersteel - maybe your way is simply something other than Judaism. Not necessarily atheism.
I also left Judaism. Since my family were rather mixed though, I grew up with the influence of several cultures and views. It was always left open to me what I would decide. I have found that I am too spiritual to follow Judaism.
And maybe that's your way too. I have very strong faith in the Creator, it's just that I never found anything spiritual in the Jewish community. I remember the last time I was on the way to the shul - about 20 years ago that was. I was nearly there, and I suddenly thought "what am I doing here"! By then I was already considerably fed up with all the pretense, the judgemental views, the inability to live a normal life, the lack of real faith or anything resembling spirituality. Well, I literally turned round and went back home, and I haven't set foot into a shul since.
That's not to say that Judaism in itself is bad, but the way its followers live it - that's certainly not for me.
It's been extremely hard as I got shunned, one person even told me "as far as the Jewish community is concerned, you are dead now". What a thing to say!!!
But - I've been much happier living according to what I believe is right, treating people the way I would want to be treated - or the way they deserve to be treated if necessary - and connecting to what I believe to be true. No more living in a world of pretense - but living in truth!
And maybe that's your way too.
Just like you, I have also experienced extreme misfortune and bad luck. All my life really. And I do mean extreme, I'm talking here the sort of things that the few people I told my experiences to, all said "who is going to believe that"! I'm talking the sort of things that one hears about in the news, but that nobody normally experiences themselves. I'm talking the sort of extremes that make it a miracle that I am still alive.
I have looked for answers as to why this is happening, and why it's ongoing and not even stopping. I'm still looking for answers, but one thing I do know: this is not coming from the Creator. This is all coming from people, people who have subscribed to the dark side. People who are so evil that they want to extinguish the light of those who are not of the dark side.
But then I wonder - why isn't all this being prevented? Why aren't there guardian angels protecting me from all this? Why weren't my loved ones protected from getting murdered?
I haven't found any answers to this. Maybe it's to do with free will, and therefore evil people can carry out their evil deeds. This conflicts with me having free will too though, and me not wanting to be affected by their actions. I don't know. I just know that this is not coming from the Creator.
You do have the right to choose your own way, whatever that might be. Even in Israel, even if you have the most religious family in the world - no one can take that right away from you! It won't be easy, but you'll feel happier, free, and you will know that you are being true to yourself. It doesn't matter whether you choose to follow no religion, to just believe what you believe to be true, whether you choose in the end to fully return to Judaism, whether you decide another religion is right for you. To choose what to believe is a fundamental human right, even if that is so often denied nowadays!
Look at everything, ask questions, think things through. You'll find your way - whatever that might be!
I can relate Supersteel. I can remember my years in my 20's. I made one bad choice after another. I put myself in harms way over and over. They were times of shiftless antagonism. I thought, "Why does god allow such suffering?" If this is all there is, then I don't see the point."
I was a tangle of negative emotions. For years. And bad things kept happening to me.
Suicide? Yeah. That to. I even tried a few times. I didn't want to live in a world of such pain and suffering. But I survived.
As I grew older, the emotional dust began to settle. And I saw the patterns of my life. It wasn't good. I felt shame for all the anger and rage I felt. I felt dirty. Unclean.
More years passed. I left the church I was raised in. I decided to strike out on my own. So I began reading spiritual books that I felt attracted to. That made sense to me. It took many years to untangle all those beliefs taught to me from the "church". I began to accept that I was who I was and stopped apologizing for every thing I did that the "church" said was wrong. I stopped believing in sin.
Then I began forgiving myself. Loving myself. Putting me first. And I finally found peace.
Advice, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Stop apologizing for everything you do. Start saying, "You don't like me? FINE! Just move on." Be you. Good, bad and ugly. The whole package.
I prefer to clean myself from that garbage of a god. My anger and hate is taking me to extremes
I got fired from my new work. I had a fight with some younger guy who works there. I got arrested for assault. Hes in the hospital. It felt good. I have no guilt. Guy was taunting me. I have massive rage and anger for everything
I walk around ready to snap and fight (and worse) with anyone. Such rage and hate inside I never felt. I am a compassionate empathetic person before these hardships but today i have not 1 iota of sympathy or compassion for anyone. I dont want to write the bad things that are in my mind its definitely something I need help with as I feel now I have nothing to lose. I write a letter to my doctor asking for immediate intervention or it will be too late. My hands shake all the time i cant do anything they shake so much. I feel hate for everything and everyone. I broke my washing machine and dryer already. Ive opened up my knuckles bleeding punching things.my refrigerator door is dented already from punching it. Everytime someone talks to me even befire rhey say something i want to drip a building on them
Well see tomorrow if i can get critical assistance as Im in the brink for no return. Even typing i havr to go back and fix endless mistakes as my fingers cant touch the screen accurately
Welcome to this place of kinship Supersteel.
I'm glad you found us.
I assume you are male because females are less likely to strike out physically. I had a dark night of the souls similar to the one you are in. I felt anger and I exhibited anger. No one could get close to me.
You might need intervention, I am glad you see that. It's good to be angry but when you are hurting others (other than that co-worker :D ) it's time to get help. But my point is I stayed angry and in a rage for about 10 years. I needed to spew the blackness from my soul. When I was spent and tired of it, I was ready to move on. No anger anymore. I'm grateful to be alive and to have finally heal. Healing will come but it won't be in your timing.
Final answer: I was never meant to be the person I was born as; I was meant to be this new version of myself after healing. :hug:
You realize that there is a contradiction in the justification of your anger ...
Then, although you could identify whatever brought you wherever you are now, so enraged and so unhappy, you should overwhelmingly focus on wherever you want to go from now on. What do you want? How will it feel when you'll get there? When do you want to get there (now?)? Don't think in terms of being (im)possible. Don't think in terms of how to get there.
Your anger is your main obstacle to get from here to there. Even worse: your anger materializes into more reasons for you to be angry, and only for you.
If you dislike my reply, please just discard it. Don't get angrier! It's bad for you.
Your getting buried in negative energies. Hate and a anger are unhealthy and not good for ones soul . You need to educate yourself to love again in order to dig yourself out of the hole your stuck in. Amen
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