Can forgiveness ever be detrimental to self?
 

Hello again 😊

When one thinks of forgiveness we often have a generalized idea that it is right and good. Human beings are imperfect and often make mistakes and repeat unhealthy cycles etc and usually this happens because there is something needing to be grasped, obtained or learned.

My question regarding this subject is that we often see many people in the world physically hurting other people in the way of various forms of abuse and multitudes of people cheating on spouses etc

I am curious and wishing to develop a better understanding of where exactly does one draw the line regarding forgiving others? At what point does a person's value or self respect become compromised when practicing forgiveness?

I would be grateful for any thoughts, ideas or insights.

Many thanks

Depends a) what the forgiveness is for - and
b) whether it risks making the forgiver a doormat.

Forgiveness is too often a way of excusing another's bad behaviour. Obviously the 'bad' is relative to the two (or more) people concerned but it also poses the question "does the forgiver want to risk the same trouble brought on them in the future?"

I rarely forgive because the cause usually alters my relationship with the culprit anyway. I might in small issues like someone can't repay money they've borrowed. I'll forgive them the debt but won't lend them any more.
.

Foregiveness is important to the self. As Lorelyen says above , forgiveness alone in life situations may not be enough.
I use discerment. This is basically in its simplest form - deserve or not deserve.
What I mean by this is, if someone keeps abusing you (we aren`t talking one off mistakes here) and you let them off and forgive them, then they do it again and again, then using the law of discernment - they do not deserve you, or your time until that behaviour is remedied - so walk away. Truth is if the relationship with you allows them to continually abuse you then karmically you aren`t helping them by accepting it, best to move out of that circle. You can and should still forgive them just don`t wallow there.

I would have to Echo what Peteyzen has said





Namaste

The primary purpose of forgiving is to help the one that's been hurt to move on and not allow the hurt to continue to bring her/him down as they move into the future.

It does NOT mean one has to declare that the action did not matter or did not cause great harm and/or to say to the perpetrator that their action is forgotten.

You can - should you choose - reach out to the perpetrator and offer to let the matter go but that's gotta be a personal choice. It naturally will likely be influenced by the nature of the hurt done and by the desire for both to move forward from it.

Where both parties indicate desire to move forward together then forgiveness can benefit both. But that's down to choice and it shouldn't be an expectation by the 'offender' or indeed exerted by others. There should be no pressure to forgive another who plainly does not want to move on and/or is likely to repeat their hurt, only encouragement for the one hurt to move away from the hurtful action and the perpetrator.

I echo what bobjob posted. Forgiveness is for the one who got hurt not the one who did the hurting. Forgiveness says I am not going to retaliate or seek vengeance, but I am going to learn from this experience.

If it is someone close to you then trust is the issue, and if betrayed, then that trust has to be earned back. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened. Although it does mean letting go of hate or anger at the one who wronged you.

We can forgive a young child much easier than we can forgive and adult because we may feel that the adult should know better, or that they may have tried to hurt us on purpose. There is no innocence involved in forgiving and adult like there may be in forgiving a child.

I can say I forgive you but I don’t forgive what you did; separating the person from their behavior. Showing the person positive regard while setting up boundaries to protect yourself from that person’s behavior.

It is not enough for a person to apologize and say they are sorry before trust is regained. They have to change their behavior consistently over a period of time to make amends, in my opinion. When we hold on to hate or anger we hurt ourselves, sometimes deeper than we were hurt by others. Forgiveness helps us to let go and heal ourselves.

Excellent post Unseeking Seeker. Yes, expectation can be the villain. It reminds me of a common
story you may have heard before:

A scorpion wanted to cross a shallow river, and a monk came along picked up the scorpion and took
it across the river. When the monk put the scorpion down it stung the monk. The monk asked
“why did you sting me?” The scorpion replied because I am a scorpion. It is my nature to sting others.

There are people who have unrealistic expectations from someone whose nature it is to
sting them.

there is no line when it comes to forgiveness

Are we, then, equating human emotion to a dog's nature?