How do I stop thinking too much of him, his perspective?
 

God, this is the third time I've edited this text. I'm sorry about that. I tend to be feeling more sorry for my luv and his situation than I do my own when it comes down to a family-issue with his first family. Do anyone know how to ground oneself from doing that? I was too sacrificing in the past, and I know this, yet I see myself falling into the same old steps of yesterday. I tend to in the past be overly emphatic and then go along and do something that my luv wants.

To stay grounded- needs practice; asserting your self in little ways- I presume these situations are in the mundane ( I could list a couple of family issues but having a family my self- the most I come up with is things like the years it takes for the children to grow up? I worry that outter circumstances will prevail their childhood—- And will we be separated in society by foster care and stuff? I worry about being a care giver to all of the children and there’s about 20 of them!!? So I’m presuming on your past posts about narcissism and other traits? Unless you can elaborate further- I’d say asserting your self with situations around him and your meetings- having coffee and prelonging contact and speaking about your self? And asserting with the child? Trying small things at first- moving the boundaries—- having zero tolerance with getting involved in his family life- setting that rule for the self… and trying not to break it—- by adding little things and sticking to them you are paving the way to not being interested in his business’ in ways when he’s talking to you about it - you won’t get involved emotionally- and making your self tired and bogged down…

As far as going on with what he wants- setting boundaries again and having some appointments available after your meetings with him to take your mind of stuff and allow you to keep busy from the grip??

Hi Lostsoul13, thank you for your sympathy and advice :)

When it comes to myself, defending myself - I don't do a good job. First of all I don't get angry, I don't know why, I get sad, insecure, hurt. It can be afterwards when I get angry, when it's no use, too late.

yes, it is the troubles with the narcissist for a parent-in-law...

I know a part of my luv, that has told me to not let anything the narcissist says or does get to me, that he will take care of this - but even as he now gets angry - I think, with the advice given to me here on this forum- it is up to me now, that I have to find another way to respond to get it to back off.

It is as if the narcissist can not help but push and push...and a situation such as this. It wants drama and drama it shall have then. It's all so dumb. Can't believe I'm in this situation, and because of what? Nothing. Really - nothing. The narcissist has nothing on me to dislike me like that.

And then I worry what that will do to my luv, even if he has said - and he is totally with it, he has said you give everything you got, I won't stand in your way, I've got your back... but then I think about if, how he is going to maybe loose all contact with the other parent, and maybe other family members, who knows, because of me, even if I know it's not because of me, it is a reaction that is more than justified given how I've been treated all this time.

I just don't want him to suffer, I know he loves his family too. this is just unfair on him. Will we stand there - and I still have my family - and he will be without? What that will do to him? (God I feel so sorry for him!)

I believe this family is as isolated as it is because of the superior-attitude, it's sad really, it shouldn't be like that.

But I know, I know - I have to separate us - it is the only way. Still stay together, but somehow - separate this other part of his life so it won't be too much for me to handle.

Maybe this all happened too soon, maybe I was too early thrown back into this situation after us getting back together, it's too early, and I can't seem to separate my old self from who I felt like during, after the break up - "she" was tougher than I am, LOL.

I will try to think like you do, yes, hopefully, that will do the trick :)