Is there a middle-shield-stage?
 

I've edited, deleted big time as I wrote hell way too much, so my apologies for that.

I think in a romantic relationship I am either on (shield on) or off. What I don't understand is that in a past relationship of mine each time I had my shield off and thought things were good and most likely getting better, that he put me down etc, just to keep me "just there", meaning not thinking too much of myself (or us I guess). So then when I then put my shield on again, he would project anger and irritation. It was nothing but a gain to get rid of him and get myself a new life.

In this marriage of mine I realize too that it is as if each time I think we're good, and I have my shield off, meaning I am then vulnerable in a way but thinking I am safe enough to be that way, the way I think all couples should be in order to rise above, to strenghten their relationship, to have that intimacy (mentally), he goes and does, say something to put me down for no reason. It is as if he too always just want me "just there", at that lower vibration state, because that is where he is at, apparently. It saddens me and it is a mission accomplished. He did it. Bravo. Again. Then he feels when I am disconnecting from him, when I have my shield on again, and reacts on that. Like he don't get he is the one doing it, not fully, and if he does, why keep doing it? We were doing so good - and then bam, again he had to say, do that. I would get it if we were unhappy and he wanted out, but he don't want out. He don't want out! So why keep pushing down your partner instead of viewing yourself as equal and even with a kind of love that she is above? What's wrong with that?

He is trying to improve himself and he has on lots of things and he still want us to continue our relationship, marriage, and I just see these no good set backs for no reason. They should not be here even now. He should have worked past them. He should have had that much impulse control than to allow that to happen.

Anyways, is there a way to keep a sort of shield half back on and off, without me being effected the way I am?

I realize I can not afford emotionally, mentally to have my shield off, thinking ok now we're good because he just goes and hurt me for no good reason, but when it is on completely I am not at all involved in helping to improve our marriage. I understand he is in the middle of his own change and this takes time.

Shielding comes with practice- other than making you feel run down, practicing makes it perfect: promises to the self not to take it to personally without sacrificing your sensitivity—-

I try shielding from reincarnation but it’s pain is to tormented and twisted for my satisfaction to try and be in love with it, I mean why should I change- as far as it concerned I have to give up the sensitivity of my nature and try to become something else—- it what rising from the ashes does, and you too can rise from the ashes…

It’s not fair that we have to sacrifice a part of our self’s to accommodate others or reincarnation as far as my shielding goes..

I have to try not take it personally all while being in my personal space-

Hello asearcher

:hug3: sorry to hear, as you'd been understanding towards him being in the middle of change

Still you shouldn't have to be in the position of "just there"

If he reacts on you disconnecting, he needs to fully realize his role in that too

Btw sorry I tried sending you PM it's full again

So true, thank you guys!! :) .

My sensitivity is both working my way and then at times it feel as if it working against me.
His background story to now when he latest put me down is that he had exposed himself to stuff he would not normally do which he hates (and it has to do with his autism) and he was watching a child meltdown and trying to fix that (he knows what to do), but I was told there had been "a scene", but somehow the two of them had gotten through it, and then - he saw me.

yesterday out of the blue he said something that he thought he should look up to, check, fix and it was such a lovely thing to think and i knew he only thought, talked this way to himself almost, but asking me. And then I thought he is wonderful isn't he and he is not aware of the good thing he just said. He's a doer, wants to do things for us. And I told him how good it was of him to say, suggest that, and he was like what? as it is natural to him. Then I felt he is just like the lyrics in a song (Julia Michaels) "got hands like an ocean, push you out, pull you back in".

I've deleted my inbox now, LOL

I understand that feeling, I too faced battles like that

Just remember that it is also a gift, a radar - your own sensitivity

Your in the dance of intimacy.

Until you feel very safe and intimate with you, you’ll always use the external to find yourself in that. Intimacy towards yourself means you’ll understand all of you as a deeply intimate relationship.

The only thing I can say, again, is make up your mind what you want with this relationship.
You keep posting about it again and again because it isn't a healthy relationship, meaning it's a toxic relationship.
Then you decide that it's not that bad, he is changing, he is growing. In other words, making up excuses for him and his behaviour and the way he treats you.
Then it turns that bad again, and you place another post about it.

You've been doing this for years now I think. We can't sort this. And I doubt you can, not as long as you stay in this relationship.
So you have to make up your own mind what you want with this. And so far it seems you don't want to leave to get away from the toxic treatment and situation.
But we cannot change this nor help.
It's pretty clear: either you accept this is the way it is with this man and if you stay with him it's going to be this way forever: toxic.
Or you do not accept it and leave so you can begin building a healthy life for you and your children.

If memory serves I've said many times these men (narcissists) aren't going to change, not ever, and the fact you keep posting things like this prove that.
All you describe, every time, is the typical scenario of the things a narcissist does: non-stop push and pull ---> manipulation.

There is a forum on narcissism to help people that are victim of one. I know cause I was asked a while back since I know a lot about it. I declined as I don't want to talk about it anymore.
But that might be a good place for you to get some support from other victims of a narcissist.

No one can understand what it's like unless they've been there themselves, meaning most stuff you get on here won't be applicable to a relationship with a narcissist. People can not fathom the problems you come across, what it's like, hell on earth. Can't blame them, that's not what I mean, but it's a fact.
So find a place with other victims of this.
And maybe get some therapy for yourself, your own sanity. I did. Even they cannot empathize with the narcissist relationship as even they don't have a clue what it's like, but at least you get some support for yourself.

Apart from that, again, get out! Writing tomes for years on end isn't going to sort this situation.

Than you everyone and thank you, FairyCrystal, I know you mean well, I'm sorry my threads must be driving you mad at this point, LOL. I understand. I have come to the decision, been thinking about it for some time before too, that I think it is best that I go alone, that I see a terapeut of some kind. I can't really say if my husband is actually narcissistic or not at this stage, but I don't want him to be a narcissist, anything else almost will do, LOL, even though I understand that must be frustrading as you see him as that through my description, words. I know you're trying to help so thank you again. I have looked through pages between the connection between autism on the spectrum (before too called Asperger) and narcissism, and on one page there were differences pointed out and when I did that one, how i perceived him he landed on autistic. Had I done it with his narc parent in mind that one would score high on narcissism.

However with that "said" I don't think my luv in a way got his needs met while growing up as one of his parent is scoring high on the narc spectrum (no doubt about that) so that then sort of gives away to a kind of hostile-dependence in our conflicts where I can hardly feel my own feelings or know my own thoughts, as he takes up too much space and perhaps too because of me being overly emphatic and not having that much of a temper myself, I allow that to happen. If someone is irritated, defensive, aggressiveness I take steps back as already then it don't exactly promise the future of a great conversation. He did not recognize feelings of anxiety or depression, so in another way he was oblivious to what caused his behavior, and in that he has taken accountability, responsibility and is right now in his own process, his insecurity has also caused him to try to control, not loose me, jealousy, and that is not OK. He also thinks it is a good idea that I seek treatment on my own as all this has brought me down.

Either way if we are not in a position where we can lift each other up to higher ground and make this work than we can't. I am not alone in having had reacted the way I have after having lived with someone like that for so long, I've learned of other partners who describe the same and similar things and feelings, reactions.

So I am going to talk separately to someone professional to help guide me no matter the ending results. I will in the meanwhile really try my best not to create any more threads on the subjects and keep it to myself from now on. I can't believe this is the second relationship I am in where I end up in a psychiatrist's office, I mean what's wrong with me, LOL. God.

Oh, it's not so much that it's frustrating me, I was trying to point out you're going round in circles, and have done for years (based on your forum postings on this topic going back quite some time).

It would sure be very helpful to see a professional to help you out here.
And also important to remember there's nothing wrong with you but with the partner(s).
Now there is a part where you come in, which is: why do you attract this? That's where your work should be, to see that, to grow, learn, and change that so it doesn't happen again. That's entirely different from there being something wrong with you! Don't tell yourself that, not even to jest, as that's still knocking yourself. Nothing wrong with YOU, there's likely just some personal growth thing you never got to/through which is why you attract such partner(s). Partners -and other people that enter your life- are always a reflection of your inner self in one shape or form.
Meaning this partner is offering you a lesson, and it's up to you to learn that or not. Doesn't mean you have to accept the situation but that again is entirely your choice.
You can do that with a therapist/coach too. And at the same time get help from that person with this current situation at home.

At the same time, make sure your kids are okay. These things between (step)dad and mother can be very damaging for them and later on negatively affect them when it comes to establishing a healthy love connection.
Since it doesn't sound your partner is capable of doing the healthy thing here it'd likely be your responsibility. Depending on whether the kids are his, yours, or from you both.
Just adding that as I unfortunately know from experience what the enormous impact on children is of such a (step) parent. They too will know & feel that you aren't treated right, that you daren't stand your ground etc., especially if you're their natural mother, and if that's the case -you being their natural mother- it will affect them even more later on.
How that pans out is wait and see and can vary per child and possibly per gender. For instance a boy losing respect for you as a mother, or... all women. Expecting/demanding a partner to be gullible and meek.
Not saying that will happen, it's an example.
I know that sounds daunting and if your kids are still rather young it may seem way in the future. Nevertheless I feel I should add this.

I really hope you're going to get a therapist in, not because there's something wrong with you, but so you can find out why this keeps happening, how to navigate through it, how you can get stronger, what you're dealing with at home, and what to do with it in the end.
In any case, good luck!

Oh and to answer your OP question: in a healthy relationship you don't need a shield as in such a relationship you can be yourself. You won't get attacked, manipulated etc.
Needing shields non-stop means the relationship isn't healthy and if it goes on for years it causes a lot of stress which is very unhealthy, can be the cause of illnesses and ailments, small and big ones. From hairloss, burnout, stomach problems, joint problems, etc etc.
It is NOT healthy and shouldn't be necessary.
Needing that means you're in constant survival mode which is okay for a moment, maybe 15 mins or so, if it lasts longer it becomes taxing on the body and thus unhealthy.

If you wish to go back and forth from no shields, to full shields, or some shields, it means you are constantly forcing yourself to be on red alert and constantly adapting to what the other throws at you. This is exhausting physically, emotionally, mentally, energetically. It will deplete you.
You should be able to unbuckle the belt and let it all hang out when with your partner and at home, not have to constantly have your antennae out to fathom whether the other is going to mistreat you again or not.

If that's what you wish to do to yourself, and live like that for the rest of your life...
Sorry to be so brutal, I'm just hoping the seriousness of what you're doing to yourself -and highly likely your kids- is getting clear.