Please help
 

Hi,
I have posted a few times recently already.
But I was in a spiritual awakening the last couple years. Tons of love, bliss emptiness shadow etc.
When covid started some fear arose and I got stuck I then made a suicide attempt. After that I felt incredible fear and taken over by some dark force. I failed to treat myself early enough and accidentally caused ego death /severe dereLizAtion, ie my sense of self was gone.
Since then the fear has been enormous and my mind has turned really evil. I don’t know if I’m a victim of either possession or mind control, I’ve heard of that happening from suicide Attempts
I can’t feel close to anyone anymore, and nothing makes me happy. I feel alone, and things are only worsening. I feel dangerously dissociated from my body. My heart feels black and empty
Patience is maybe the only option but it isn guaranteed that things can get better
Prayer has not been doing anything . I Pray I wake up differently but never do. I want to die but am worried that whatever is in me won’t let me escape or I am so traumatized that I would not be able to leave my body peacefully.
Thanks for your help
I am already in counselling and on meds and neither are helping. I just want to leave this earth so badly but I know it can’t do anything, because I wouldn’t be able to escape the misery, but at least id have a change in location

It is difficult to help someone online without taking a full history and adequate assessment
of their condition. That assessment may involve a psychological test.

You sound desperate; my best advice to you is to be honest with your counselor and tell
them what you just said here; ask your counselor if you can go to in-patient therapy
because you sound like you are a danger to your self and you need, at minimum,
crisis intervention.

Maybe call a suicide hotline and talk with them. From what you have shared I don’t think
you can get the help you need directly from online conversations. You are on meds and you
are in counseling.

I would cry out for help from those professional people and let them know you feel like
you are a danger to yourself. If you really want help I feel that would be the best thing to do.:hug3:

Hi, thank you, I am crying for help to my therapist too
Nothing is working. Nothing is changing anything
My mind Is so attached to fear and suffering
Thanks for the advice
Things need to change but I don’t know how they can

Hi Sarahpro,

You may want to try humility. Accept that you are totally unskillful (in human relationships) compared to God. Believe this from heart.

This way you get lucky, and feel well.

Hope this helps.

Hi, you're not alone. The virus and resulting lockdown have made many people isolated and trapped within four walls with nothing but their own thoughts and feelings.

First I'd suggest calling your doctor, they may be able to offer suggestions for help and maybe a referral to a therapist via video, as primarily I'd suspect this is a mental health issue and not a spiritual one.

Secondly, now you know that you failed to treat yourself in time, you know now that you should start treating yourself (goes back to including the help of a doctor) and realise it'll take some time, a mental health crisis isn't solved over night.

What's really happening here is the impending state of world affairs paired with isolation tends to cause your shadows to come out and want to play. It's very difficult for most people to deal with this if they never have before. As it seems you're already doing, consider this a lesson from your subconscious into the things you need to change in your life and routine to begin to feel happier. The shadows were always there but they were never triggered before to come out this way. So you need to take time to learn about them and learn what makes them tick, so you can start healing yourself and in future if anything like this happens again you won't struggle as much.

I hope that helps :smile:

Edit: I won't change my original message but I did just notice you said you're already seeing a therapist and are on meds.

Usually I say to people is that if the meds aren't working then they're the wrong meds. Talk to your doctor about trying you on something different.

As for counselling/therapy it's a long term thing and takes time to see results. Keep sticking to it, or if you feel you're not getting any benefit perhaps try a new therapist. Different therapists have different approaches and you may need an approach different to the one you're getting now.

Other than that all I can do is to advise to keep powering on through when you get those suicidal feelings, I know it's not easy, but this too shall pass. You just need to remember to be gentle on yourself and take things one step at a time, one day at a time, one hour at a time. Kinda baby yourself with self-love, it helps you feel a little better. Get into bed, read a book, listen to sad music, hug a pillow, fall asleep, sleep for hours and hours and hours however long you feel like, remember to drink water and eat regular small healthy meals, open your windows for fresh air, maybe buy a couple of house plants because they're good in so many ways. It's all the little things that count. They're not a cure, but they make it much easier to pass through the difficult times. It makes it much easier when you learn to be at ease with your pain (weird concept I know but I'm a pro at this now and can tell you it's possible), so that the pain doesn't control you, even if it does make you feel like rubbish!

All my love :hug3:

I suspect that what you are experiencing is rooted in what ever caused you to attempt suicide in the first place and maybe you feeling betrayal of self for not succeeding. You said you are in counseling and it isn't helping. Find a counselor who will help you face all that fear, on fear at a time. You can't pretend like this is a demon or possession. You can understand that you went down a dark path and only you can find your way back.

Often the medications will make depression worse, not better. Have a rational realistic talk to your doctors about the medications you are on and get knowledge about them, don't just take what the doctor says to take without questions and remember that you aren't going to get a proper diagnosis if you are holding anything back. First be honest with yourself. How much of your fear is about you not being good enough? You are good enough when you know that you are.

Hi, thank you for the responses
Really nothing I do makes me happy anymore....even the biggest self care. It’s like I have no feelings, no ability to receive affection
My therapist is probably the best I could find, she helped me out last time, I blame myself and my fractured mind that is only continuing to fragment.
It feels impossible to heal because the feelings that made me make the attempt in the first place are persisting and even more so . It isn’t because of the antidepressants . I think after the attempt I became more and more dissociated from my body so pills are not working like they should.
I know only I can find my way back but I have no idea how. I cannot wven surrender my own breath, it is now being controlled by my mind. Even if I tried to die I don’t think i could because I can’t surrender my own breath. I am stuck here. But yeah I don’t know how to find the light again when nothing I do makes me happy, I am just constantly triggered by the world around me and everything makes me feel miserable

I do understand it’s a time where shadows were coming out. I spent years facing my shadow and then slipped and forgot and my ego got in the way. Now I have spent months resisting fear instead of accepting so it has grown like a monster.

I am having a hard time trusting my therapist. The fear persists and causes fragmentation - social withdrawal, emptiness, apathy, dissociation etc - but she thinks it’s happening because I’m doing it to myself, because I’m thinking too much and not doing enough activities

I IWSH I could sleep for as long as I wanted, I am so awake and wired and in my head all the time, believe me I’d be sleeping all day if I were ina. Calm grounded embodied state. I pray to have that back but I don’t know if possible

Can ANY form of soul retrieval or prayer help me? I just need to reconnect to my heart but the repeated fear is abusing my spirit and leaving me empty inside. Prayer maybe can’t work because I don’t FEEL anything in my heart to pray. I am just longing to reconnect again. I am worried though that I will never be able to surrender back to love because my ego is soooooo strong and unsurrrndered. I don’t know how this works
I wish it were easy as just inviting my soul back in...but maybe my soul is already in me it is just longing for love that I don’t know how to give it...I I don’t know

You can do what works for you.

First thing to do, is you can stop telling yourself ‘the story’ of you. When you let go of soul, ego, what it is going on in a story, what you are and what it all means, you get out of your head and beliefs, you can just sit quietly, feel and release things as your still and present.

Create a safe space, sit down and just let your body speak to you. Not you speak to your body. Listen, feel as things arise. Don’t give stories to feelings as they arise, just feel and let go. Let thoughts come and go. Don’t attach to them. Everything is temporary in you.

You want to aim for clarity and peace and to do this you have to let go of everything not clear and in peace in you..