Can I ask for awakening overnight?
 

Hi there,
I was in a spiritual awakening the last couple years, came into a ton of love and joy and truth. But then fear came up and my heart shut down cuz I resisted it. My heart has felt empty for a few months. I worry my mind is so active now, and my ego so strong, I will not be able to surrender. Can I ask for something to happen during sleep...? Like for my soul to have a loving encounter during sleep and therefore make it easier to surrender back to love...? I know that the mind lives on during sleep so if it can’t do it during the day maybe it can’t at night ... but nothing has been working and time is not doing me any favours.

You can certainly ask.

But maybe also investigate why fear came up in you. What were you afraid of? Why did you resist? Do you think that you will lose some part of your identity by surrendering to this greater state? Or are you afraid of claiming your true spiritual inheritance - perhaps it is beyond your comfort zone?

At the same time, relax. Try not to worry about it. Having already come into a "ton of love and joy and truth" then it should be easier to get back there. Because it hasn't really gone away, you have just temporarily covered it up.

Peace

I think it is gone, I feel like an empty heartless person, as though the fear burned all my good karma. Not totally sure how it all works but I do feel incapable of love. I feel like I’m beyond the place of being able to look at fear, I just have no equanimity to be able to sit with it. This is what I pray for- the ability to surrender and allow love in, to therefore go into the fear and just generally be happy. This is how it worked last time...although I was not seeking it, it just came . Right now my mind is so far from surrendering/ every moment it obsesses and grasps , even my own breath.
I don’t even know if my guard is even down during sleep. I still have dreams of chasing love and grasping etc. But I still want to ask. Even though I have been and it has not been working haha.
And time has not been kind to me. My fear is ultimately fear of being separated from love forever, and with repeated resistance to fear, it has caused further fragmentation and dissociation, thus propelling the fear....
I know that ultimately it needs to be faced...thus I pray for the strength to be able to do that...

So you want to surrender and be open to love to enable you to go into the fear.

Perhaps it should be the other way round. You need to go into the fear so you can surrender and be open to love.

We are all afraid of fear. It challenges us at our deepest levels. But if we can connect with our fear, and then just sit and be present with this fear, without resistance, then fear becomes just an energy flowing through us. It ceases to threaten us.

Fear is the barrier between where you are and where you want to be. If you can surrender to fear then you may break through to a deeper place. Brandon Bays describes going through this process in The Journey.

Peace

Maybe you just believe you had an awakening, based on uniformed expectations.

Maybe what you feel now is the natural and good reaction to that state of wishful thinking.

You seem to have strong beliefs about what you should feel. What if you're wrong? Use this opportunity to explore and get closer to the elusive truth, and don't wish to get back to a past point that didn't last.

I think it was real, it was the deepest love I have ever felt. But I was still running away from myself. You aren’t the only person to suggest maybe there is something else out there, something more real. I don’t know about that. The last 2 years were the realest ever, filled with tears and connection and truth and blossoming, just felt so incredibly aligned. and I just made some mistakes and resisted instead of integrated. So...yeah I don’t know, I don’t know what else there could be out there. I feel so empty and apathetic, nothing sparks me anymore.
About the fear, I just CANT go into it.
How it worked last time was I was medicated for fear for like 10montbs. One day my heart opened, and then a few days later, the fear came back but I just went into it. This is what I long for but have no control over.
My mind is so far from surrendering. I have conditioned it so that every loving person, animal, phenomenon, that comes around; Even every cry; I start grasping and wondering , could this be the awakening I am longing for. But of course then it dissipates.
This is why I thought MAYBE during sleep. When my guard is down. The universe may hear my prayer in the form of some guru sending me love. I don’t know. I am so desperate. I feel like it would have worked by now if it was a thing but I still keep hoping.

It's a nice thought that it could happen during sleep when your guard is down. Then you could wake up and all your problems would be over.

Or would they? If you have not faced your fear, then what is to stop your fear from coming back and again blocking your integrated state?

Perhaps the universe is waiting for you to face your fear, even though you say that you CAN'T go into it.

If you are not willing to face your fear then you are perhaps not ready to truly surrender. Because your fear is one of the things to be surrendered.

Sometimes people want their lives to be different but they don't want to go through the necessary process of change.

Peace

I honestly just do not know how to surrender to the fear. It arises and immediately my mind reacts and panics and so many thoughts come I can’t control the reaction.
I don’t want my problems to be over. I want the mental stamina and equanimity to face them.
I guess right now facing my problems i just feel like I’m drowning in them, swimming in a bunch of thoughts, not processing anything. I have such little equanimity there is such imbalance.
If only my heart would open again then I could go into the fear, the pain, with bravery. I have been resisting it for five months now. My mind is so imbalanced I’m just conditioned to react and cannot work with the fear at all.
If I had the equanimity I had before, then I could

This is something my therapisf doesn’t seem to believe me about but the minute my heart opened, my life changed for the better, everything was beautiful, but I still had to go through hell. Still a ton of anxiety and depression, but I could face it.
I am just waiting for that moment....cuz I don’t know how to live my life like this. Just praying that overnight by the grace of God my heart will decide to open