Argyasha
17-11-2014, 03:28 PM
Hey guys and gals.
Hope you are all well.
I'v had a bit of a revelation tonight and I'd love to get a more experienced persons' wisdom on this.
I went through a period where I was smoking meth. At the time I was also doing a philosophy course. I felt ashamed of what I was doing (the meth, not philosophy haha) and through reading theories about how there is no right and wrong I tried to justify my drug use that way. Coming down, I felt so bad that I'd try to convince myself that what I was doing wasn't wrong because there was no intrinsic right, therefore there was no wrong. I have a vague memory of forcing this idea down my own throat and it feeling very jarring. Anywho I started having panic attacks and paranoia from screwing up my brain chemistry and decided to stop smoking meth/crack/speed. The panic attacks continued and I could deal with them as I had googled them and knew what they were. But eventually they devolved into this weird numb existential terror. I wouldn't get the adrenaline rush or the hyper awareness that was typical of my usual panic attacks, only a feeling like there was this huge force inside of me that was trying to take over me. I actually watched it pick apart my belief systems, it felt demonic. One night it completely swallowed me whole and I awoke the next day with absolutely no will to live. Like in a moment I felt it come full circle, had this feeling of being locked in something, fell asleep and woke up the next day feeling jarringly wrong. Brain fog, inability to discern right from wrong, feeling like I wasn't in my body, or that I didn't have access to my soul. I got so much energy work done, paid $5000 for a meditation retreat and ended up on antidepressants. 4-5 months later I feel pretty much alright again, but still have this feeling like it is still there. When I tune into how I am feeling there is usually a murky existential void somewhere inside of me. I feel like I am afraid of meditation because at the retreat I literally found nothing inside of me except this horrible meaninglessness. I am afraid of allowing because if I let go it might take over me again. I feel it as a dense fluttery emptiness in my torso and the front of my brain, that is when I am not swallowed by it. When I am, it feels like it runs to the bottom of myself.
Truly, I can function again, so long as I distract myself. Things like sex, listening to people and feeling content are outside the realm of what I am capable of as I am afraid to allow my inner intelligence because I feel like in doing so I let this beast out of it's cage. (tuning in has totally brought up horrible feelings since I've "recovered")
I do feel as though it may be an entity that I created through thought and belief. I am more than happy to answer any questions and would wildly appreciate any input, ideas etc.
Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hug2
Hope you are all well.
I'v had a bit of a revelation tonight and I'd love to get a more experienced persons' wisdom on this.
I went through a period where I was smoking meth. At the time I was also doing a philosophy course. I felt ashamed of what I was doing (the meth, not philosophy haha) and through reading theories about how there is no right and wrong I tried to justify my drug use that way. Coming down, I felt so bad that I'd try to convince myself that what I was doing wasn't wrong because there was no intrinsic right, therefore there was no wrong. I have a vague memory of forcing this idea down my own throat and it feeling very jarring. Anywho I started having panic attacks and paranoia from screwing up my brain chemistry and decided to stop smoking meth/crack/speed. The panic attacks continued and I could deal with them as I had googled them and knew what they were. But eventually they devolved into this weird numb existential terror. I wouldn't get the adrenaline rush or the hyper awareness that was typical of my usual panic attacks, only a feeling like there was this huge force inside of me that was trying to take over me. I actually watched it pick apart my belief systems, it felt demonic. One night it completely swallowed me whole and I awoke the next day with absolutely no will to live. Like in a moment I felt it come full circle, had this feeling of being locked in something, fell asleep and woke up the next day feeling jarringly wrong. Brain fog, inability to discern right from wrong, feeling like I wasn't in my body, or that I didn't have access to my soul. I got so much energy work done, paid $5000 for a meditation retreat and ended up on antidepressants. 4-5 months later I feel pretty much alright again, but still have this feeling like it is still there. When I tune into how I am feeling there is usually a murky existential void somewhere inside of me. I feel like I am afraid of meditation because at the retreat I literally found nothing inside of me except this horrible meaninglessness. I am afraid of allowing because if I let go it might take over me again. I feel it as a dense fluttery emptiness in my torso and the front of my brain, that is when I am not swallowed by it. When I am, it feels like it runs to the bottom of myself.
Truly, I can function again, so long as I distract myself. Things like sex, listening to people and feeling content are outside the realm of what I am capable of as I am afraid to allow my inner intelligence because I feel like in doing so I let this beast out of it's cage. (tuning in has totally brought up horrible feelings since I've "recovered")
I do feel as though it may be an entity that I created through thought and belief. I am more than happy to answer any questions and would wildly appreciate any input, ideas etc.
Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hug2