im just going to post this and pray that someone will understand.

[Argyasha]

God where do I begin. I am so out of touch with myself. I am meditating often and
trying so hard but I feel like something terrible has happened.
when I was 15 I first experienced paranoia on marijuana. It came as this foreign thought. It terrified me because my mind had never worked that way before. Its almost like an entity of some kind. I was high and I watched it and saw that it was a systematic attack. It would tell me something horrible, I would fight the thought, lose and then
my mind would go blank and then I'd go deeper in to it.
Then it would bombard me with another negative thought. The next day when I was straight again I'd feel like myself as far as I can remember but because I was a stubbourn little **** I kept on smoking pot occasionally. This thing would attack me everytime I smoked.
Flash to a couple of months ago I slowly over time developed depression. I also started having panic attacks when I experimented with other drugs. ( don't worry, I now know drugs are not for me at all and will never take them again. ) Anyway things peaked a few months ago. I hadn't touched drugs for a few months but started to have panic attacks again I didn't understand because I had only ever had panic attacks while coming down. They got worse and worse and they were accompanied by horrible feelings like my soul ripping out of my body and one time it felt like there was something trying to push me to my knees. My mental health was in ruins and I was weak. Then over the course of a couple of days there was this voice in my head telling me horrible things like I was developing schitzophrenia or that this was going to get so bad that I would lose my will to live. I was constantly fighting these feelings (they weren't actually voices, more intrusive thoughts) until one night I was so tired that I just allowed this feeling that I would lose my will to live to envelop me. It was definitely an energetic shift and I felt it overcome me and went straight to sleep. I woke up the next day and my will to live was gone. I was constantly fighting disosciation and emptiness and did not feel love or connection and was so terrified that I was actually going to one day end up necking myself. Everything took on a sinister meaning and I was always afraid.
I ended up going on a meditation retreat and having an entity removal done and now the horrible existential terror is mostly gone but I still don't feel ke myself. I always have brain fog my self esteem is in the gutter, and I still am unable to have faith or love or any positive emotion. Today I noticed that what is happening in my mind now is very much like what was happening when I was high. Its a complete and utter resignation to automatic thoughts and a weariness all the time I am waiting for this to pass because I don't know what to do. I am talking to the people I met at the meditation retreat and I can't bear to tell them that all the methods aren't working, all the ways that they are trying to help me don't help this. Sure it helps me to focus on positives but even these are filtered through my ****** mind. I have no idea what to do next and I am wondering if you guys think this has something to do with entities.
When I am not like this I am sensitive and intelligent and I really am interested in helping people but its like I don't have access to myself anymore.
thank you in advance.

[onetruebeliever]

You need to see a psychiatrist in order to pinpoint what you are experiencing. You are at the age when quite a lot of people manifest the worst of their symptoms - late teens/early 20's. I am not a doc, but I am mom to a son with a mental illness. You could be experiencing a chemical imbalance, and the drugs were exacerbating your symptoms. The correct medications and therapy can help you. I do not think it is an entity, I think it is an illness that can be controlled with time and persistence.

[Miss Hepburn]

Yes, this could be a simple chem imbalance in the brain.
Remember the brain is an organ like the liver or pancreas...
if they were outta whack --- you would take insulin or something, right?
It could be that simple...some 'pharma something' psychiatrists really are good with the chemistry...
rather then a family practitioner, that guess and waste your time and money, often.
Sorry, can not remember their specialty...
Good luck with this...wishing you success.
:hug:

[Manifesting29/11]

I agree wholeheartedly with the suggestion to see a good psychiatrist. If you do a bit of research you may find one that is spiritually/metaphysically oriented. It's important to bear in mind that the human brain does not fully develop until the early to mid 20's. At your age, it is so important that you have appropriate professional support. Those of us here can also support you with our words, thoughts and prayers.

[LillyBelle]

Marijuana can bring out the absolute worst symptoms in a person with a mental illness. I have to agree with everyone else above. You need to see a Doctor. I don't believe this is spiritual,I believe this is a psychological problem. I cannot in good conscious suggest any other tips knowing you likely need to get medical help. Like Manifesting said,we will be happy to give you support,words of encouragement,thoughts and prayers. I'll even send you some Reiki,if you want,after you see a Psychiatrist. Love and light!

[Argyasha]

Yeah after I posted I looked into thought loops and they are quite common while high. This is frustrating. I've chosen to look at this ftom a spiritual perspective because I wanted tp know that there was nothibg aboit me that spirit couldn't fix or that wouldnt go away with meditation. I was seeing a Psychologist a few months ago and I don't think she even understood what was happening to me. I told her I wanted to see a shaman to have a soul retrieval because alot of this stuff was energy. All the symptoms were energetic. That sense that I would kill myself was a build up of energy. Anyway I suppose I should talk to the doctor again. I just really don't want to be sick. I wanted this to just pass. I don't want to go on medication. My friend is on anti depressants and she calls them chemical handcuffs. Because now she can't live without them. But I think you guys are probably spot on.

[Fairyana]

The brain and the spirit are very closely related because the brain is the bridge your consciousness/spirit uses to experience the physical world including, of course, your physical body. So if your brain is having chemical imbalance, this could perhaps hinder this bridge for your consciousness/spirit to come through. This is just my guess, but may be that's why you feel disconnected. So I would also agree with what everyone here posted. Don't worry about negative entities, just concentrate on yourself and on getting better because this will frustrate their purpose and redirect their energy somewhere else. Meditation is great for that, so keep it up! I hope you feel better soon!

[onetruebeliever]

Yeah after I posted I looked into thought loops and they are quite common while high. This is frustrating. I've chosen to look at this ftom a spiritual perspective because I wanted tp know that there was nothibg aboit me that spirit couldn't fix or that wouldnt go away with meditation. I was seeing a Psychologist a few months ago and I don't think she even understood what was happening to me. I told her I wanted to see a shaman to have a soul retrieval because alot of this stuff was energy. All the symptoms were energetic. That sense that I would kill myself was a build up of energy. Anyway I suppose I should talk to the doctor again. I just really don't want to be sick. I wanted this to just pass. I don't want to go on medication. My friend is on anti depressants and she calls them chemical handcuffs. Because now she can't live without them. But I think you guys are probably spot on.

I know from personal experience that a psychologist will only help you as far as his/her teaching will allow. All psychologists did for my son son was dx him with the wrong dx and he suffered, mistreated and mismedicated, for years. Go to a psychiatrist. If you need meds and they are the correct ones and the correct doses, they will help you. It is okay to have to take medication. If you had diabetes, you would take meds, if you had high blood pressure, you would take meds. Without meds, my son would have killed himself at age 12 1/2. You may have to trial a couple of different ones and tweak doses, but only a psychiatrist can do this for you. But you have to have a diagnosis first.

Please don't wait to find a doctor. My son is early onset bipolar and without treatment he went into psychosis. What you described sounds a bit like that. Drug therapy will help you feel normal again. There is no shame in having a mental illness. Your brain is a part of your body that can malfunction just like any other part of your body.

[tmsmem]

Go to a psychiatrist. If you need meds and they are the correct ones and the correct doses, they will help you. It is okay to have to take medication.
I agree onetruebeliever.
Go see a doctor soon. It's ok to take meds if you have to, and not everyone has to know about it if you don't want them to. :smile:
Also Argyasha, once you see a psychiatrist , IF you do get put on medicine, you may have to take it for a long time, if the doctor says so. Personally, I knew someone who stopped taking it, and the evil voices came back full force. I know first hand how this works because I knew someone very close to me with mental illness,schizophrenia. And it can seem demonic, I thought one was living inside them (and I don't even believe in demons) and is the SCARIEST thing I've ever seen and been through, but when this person was on meds after a few weeks, they were completely normal again!! I'm not saying you have mental illness or will get meds, but just in case go see a doctor ASAP. :hug3:

[desert rat]

A side effect of drugs like weed is paranoria , some people get hungry also . Dont trust any experence you have while high . If you are fine when not high , then I dont think I would worrie about it .
p.s. after re reading your post , you may of attracted a neg. being . You can use some of the protection and clearing rituals , like the circulation of wite lite .

[LillyBelle]

Yeah after I posted I looked into thought loops and they are quite common while high. This is frustrating. I've chosen to look at this ftom a spiritual perspective because I wanted tp know that there was nothibg aboit me that spirit couldn't fix or that wouldnt go away with meditation. I was seeing a Psychologist a few months ago and I don't think she even understood what was happening to me. I told her I wanted to see a shaman to have a soul retrieval because alot of this stuff was energy. All the symptoms were energetic. That sense that I would kill myself was a build up of energy. Anyway I suppose I should talk to the doctor again. I just really don't want to be sick. I wanted this to just pass. I don't want to go on medication. My friend is on anti depressants and she calls them chemical handcuffs. Because now she can't live without them. But I think you guys are probably spot on.

No one wants to be sick,but we are all human and it happens. I suffer from Anxiety and Depression,I fought going to the Doctor for years. I didn't want to take medicine. I tried every single alternative medicine and approach I could find. I simply REFUSED to go see a Doctor. Do you know what happened,I suffered and the anxiety just got worse and worse. Until one day,I couldn't sleep at night and no where ever felt safe to me. I had to go to my Grandmother's apartment during the day because I was to afraid to be at home alone. Then,one day,even her place wasn't safe anymore. I finally gave in and went to the Psychiatrist. He said,I was pretty much Agoraphobic. He put me on medication and I was finally able to do the things I wanted to do. Now,I can go outside at night to take out my puppy,I can walk in the back of the house,I can stay home alone,I can go walking around the neighborhood,I can finally go to sleep on long car trips if I want to. I pretty much have my life back. Am I hundred percent better,no,I still have a ways to go but,I am on my way. I get better and better. I still have good days and bad days,but the good days are outnumbering the bad ones. I am sure that if you go to the right Psychiatrist you will start having more good days too! :)

[Mystica]

You seem highly sensitive to me. Did you ever test for HSP? (Highly Sensitive Person) it might be that your nervous system is more sensitive than average, and react extremely bad on substances.

Marijuana and even tobacco are medicinal substances. They can aid in development, but casual use of these substances will affect the person in a negative and bad way. Traditionally, addiction is seen as the curse of the spirits of medicinal plants. It all has to do with respect for the plant.

By the way, did you do any Reiki? because you wrote about soul retrieval. Or someone else performed it on you? I would be very careful with Reiki. If you have done so, you'll need to protect yourself. You would not be the first one that lost their mind with Reiki energy. I have helped someone before, and from my experience people can go insane when Reiki energy is attached to them. There are some pranic exercises you could to protect yourself.

I would also recommend start wearing stones or crystals with you, if you haven't already. Which depends on the situation. Rose quartz is always useful in bringing harmony and expelling negativity. I never leave my house without it.

Of course, when you feel really bad, and feel the urge to end it, call someone asap. A chemical imbalance might be possible as well. We still live in physical bodies, after all.

[Argyasha]

Thank you everybody.
I wrote this whilst on a huge downer. I am feeling pre' normal now though.
Downers are innevitable for the time being but I feel like I am moving forward.
I am thinking about going to my psychologist. I really would rather look in to every other option before I go on medication, but I will consider it if all else fails.
Thank you :):)

[Argyasha]

You seem highly sensitive to me. Did you ever test for HSP? (Highly Sensitive Person) it might be that your nervous system is more sensitive than average, and react extremely bad on substances.

I have a feeling that I am but I didn't know it was something that could be tested.