View Full Version : The Power of Forgiving
THE POWER OF FORGIVING
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and discover the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
It is common knowledge that old grudges, incomplete grieving, long-standing anger, resentment, fear and anxiety, guilt, self-doubt and self-blame and a sense of unworthiness have harmful effects on our health, well being, creative self-expression, relationships, and our ability to love and be loved.
Repetitive patterns of conscious and unconscious negative emotions eat away at our immune systems, and make us mistrustful and overly self-protective in relationships… and hinder the discovery of our true spiritual nature.
Even so, many people do not realize that their symptoms, problems and blockages have roots in one simple thing: Lack of forgiveness.
In order to be fully present - to be aware, accepting and responsive in the reality of this moment’s situation - and further, to be aware in the wholeness of Being - we must become able to let go of the lingering pain and conflict, and constricting beliefs we are carrying from the past.
Forgiving yourself and others heals and frees you and can bring changes in your life you could never have imagined.
When you decide want to be free of the past, and recognize it’s time to forgive in order to go ahead in your present life and future, understand this:
* Forgiveness does not mean what was done is okay with you now. It simply means you want to no longer carry with you the hurt and resentment, blame and shame from the past.
* You do not need to understand ‘why’ the behavior happened in order to let it go, and often we truly cannot know. Giving up this idea will help you move into willingness to forgive.
* Forgiving is not from weakness, as some people believe, but from the strength of choosing the direction of your life away from victimhood… including being victim to your own pain and negativity.
* Honesty is important in forgiving… honestly admitting within yourself what you felt and still feel… and honestly acknowledging any part you may have had in what happened.
* You may not feel ready to completely let go and forgive, but perhaps you could be willing to forgive.
* To be through and most effective you should put yourself on a forgiveness program… to release the most obvious memories first, and then continue clearing through any and all memories, people, events and situations that hold anything other than neutral acceptance for you.
* Forgiving yourself may be more difficult than forgiving others, but is essential in getting free of the conscious or unconscious self-judgment and self-rejection that are obstacles to a healthy and fulfilling life.
“Forgiveness may be the greatest virtue on earth, and certainly the most needed.” - Gordon B Hinkley
FORGIVENESS PROCESS
Rather than working to forgive a person - which is quite a broad subject - it’s more effective to choose a memory of an event with the person, or one event in a series that were similar.
1. Begin by breathing down in your lower belly for several minutes, and notice where in your body you feel the emotion or discomfort or tension the most. Simply acknowledge and accept the feeling as it is now.
2. Place one hand on the crown of your head and the other palm on the heart center of your chest for the whole treatment. (These hand positions connect with many meridians - energy flows - throughout the body.)
3. Run a movie of this event in your mind, from the beginning to the end of it, while you continue to breathe in your belly… simply watching.
4. Repeat running the movie while you affirm in yourself, “I am letting go of all pain and hurt, all anger, frustration, helplessness, sadness, fear and guilt remaining from this time, in all aspects of my being.”
Use the Releasing Breath as you watch the movie this time, to make sure you are not pushing the feelings away, but simply feeling a letting go.
Releasing Breathing is inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your slightly open lips… like a gentle sigh.
5. Run the movie scene a third time while you affirm in yourself, “I deeply accept and forgive “ name ” or “myself” or “everyone who was part of this happening.”
Breathe deeply into the feeling… of letting go… of accepting and forgiving… for several minutes.
Forgiving cannot be forced but it can be allowed.
The sign that you have completely forgiven is a sense of relief or release, of openness and acceptance about it all, a sense of completion, a feeling of gratitude. The memory will still be there but without the discomfort or resentment you once had.
If any negative emotion or tension remains about this event or issue repeat steps 4 and 5 of the forgiving treatment. Or notice if another memory has shown up and treat that one through all the steps.
If a released memory happens to appear again later with any negative emotion, simply realize there must be more to forgive and go through the steps.
Letting go of the past will take time and persistence to really become free, but you will find it is well worth the effort.
Note: Some people need to forgive God, even if they no longer believe in what they were taught. If you sense you are resenting God or your childhood or later religion for any reason don’t try to figure it out, just go ahead with the Forgiveness Process.
“Forgiveness is not so much about the other person as it is about our own hearts.” - Lynette J. Hoy
blessings,
Xan
inspirit
09-10-2010, 07:28 AM
Amen. Thank you.
green
09-10-2010, 10:04 AM
thank you Xan.
G
adina201
20-10-2010, 06:56 AM
Forgiveness is completely let go of the past, the anger, pain and sadness. It is a gift for you on your pathway to the everlasting love. To forgive is to release hurts inside you. Really this is very good article.
mArIya
20-10-2010, 07:18 AM
Awesome Xan
Thankyou for sharing this:hug:
Stormweaver
20-10-2010, 09:48 AM
Thanx Xan
If only this can be programmed inside everyone from birth to adult to the time of transition as default.
_/\_
Falling Star
20-10-2010, 11:38 AM
Thankyou for posting this Xan........Forgiveness is so important!
I so love your posts. ((hug))
Thankyou for posting this Xan........Forgiveness is so important!
I so love your posts. ((hug))
Me too you, Falling Star... :hug:
Xan
vilmabalz
01-11-2010, 08:55 AM
Forgiveness is the foundation why people are still living. Without forgiveness, Jesus would not take the cross, but because of that, he did. We need to forgive in order to be forgiven by God.
Spiritual Growth Books (http://www.spiritualgrowthbooks.org)
I have a different view, vilma...
We are already forgiven by God because he is not the one who judged us in the first place, we are. We need to forgive ourselves and others to allow ourselves to receive the unconditional love that God is... and that we are within our soul.
Xan
Totally agree, Xan. May I add one small insight... remember to for-give as you go along too, so that present small resentments or hurts do not become large tangles to forgive in the future.
As an example, I was thinking about something a friend had said and getting a bit hung up about it until my larger self said - 'forgive her. she's not well.' 'So?' I retorted, 'She's spoken that way before.' 'Forgive...' So I did and feel no more resentment about (my perpection of) a friend's words. :smile:
Yes Enya... Developing the habit of letting go all the time, in our daily lives, is an on-the-spot form of forgiving that can keep us open, free and growing.
Xan
rus11
07-11-2010, 05:56 AM
Was refered to this thread at a great time.... thanks for sharing this Xan.
You're most welcome, Rus.
blesings
Xan
Lightspirit
10-11-2010, 12:54 PM
forgiveness is so important
Carla2010
12-11-2010, 03:23 AM
Thank you, Xan. The part about not needing to understand "why" a behaviour happened, is really important:
* You do not need to understand ‘why’ the behavior happened in order to let it go, and often we truly cannot know. Giving up this idea will help you move into willingness to forgive.
Light and love :hug:
Carla
kevinchaapel
25-11-2010, 08:48 AM
It can explores recent research into the psychological and physical effects of forgiveness on individuals and within relationships under a wide variety of conditions and translates it into a popular, accessible documentary film for national public television.One study showed that giving up grudges can reduce chronic back pain. Another found that forgiveness limited relapses among women battling substance-abuse problems. Now bring those feelings down to the area around your heart. Allow the good feelings to penetrate your heart and soothe you.
NightSpirit
25-11-2010, 09:24 AM
Awesome article Xan...well done!
karynmonk
03-12-2010, 02:06 PM
The power to forgive encourage people to use forgiveness. It will show how forgiveness is a process of transformation that will enrich relationships and enable people to improve their own lives.
crystalfairy
22-06-2011, 09:56 PM
What do you do when you don't know what you should be forgiving or who???
Topaz
22-06-2011, 10:10 PM
Also what if that person can't forgive you ?
I have forgiven myself and the person for the mad situation we were in .
I have actually spoken to them in person and said I forgive you but it back fired and has turned into more angst aimed at me :(
What do you do when you don't know what you should be forgiving or who???_
crystalfairy... You could start by making a general statement like, "I forgive anyone who contributed to my _(problem or issue)_ in anyway." Breathe in your belly and repeat this for a few minutes.
As you do this pay attention to any memories or feelings or issues that might show up. Then you may forgive for those more specifically.
Xan
Also what if that person can't forgive you ?
I have forgiven myself and the person for the mad situation we were in .
I have actually spoken to them in person and said I forgive you but it back fired and has turned into more angst aimed at me :(
Topaz... We can't control what someone else does. And we don't forgive in order to try to get someone else to, because they are free to make they own choices. All we can do is keep forgiving and letting go within ourselves.
Now you have an opportunity to forgive this person for not accepting your forgiving, and for turning more against you, just within yourself. :wink:
Xan
astralsuzy
01-07-2011, 07:41 AM
That is an excellent post Xan. If we can forgive we feel a lot better about ourselves. It releases tension and bad feelings. I am going to try to remember to practice forgiving everyday. I do forgive people but when you get muck that comes in your life unexpected, you need to be able to accept it, think O.K.and move on. That way you will not feel hurt and take on all the muck that happens.
crystalfairy
01-07-2011, 08:45 AM
Liberating!
7luminaries
01-07-2011, 03:38 PM
Also what if that person can't forgive you ?
I have forgiven myself and the person for the mad situation we were in .
I have actually spoken to them in person and said I forgive you but it back fired and has turned into more angst aimed at me :(
Topaz, good for you for letting them know.
If they couldn't acknowledge your feelings, much less respond in kind, that's on them.
As Xan said, now you can...
...forgive them for not being able to acknowledge your expression of forgiveness,
...accept that's where they are at & that they cannot truly limit you in any way,
...accept that YOU are free to move on, with or without them,
...and let it go.
Peace & blessings,
7L
Yes... Forgiving leads to accepting ourselves and each other as we are... which is the best and healthiest attitude for all our relationships and our own well being.
Xan
LightFilledHeart
01-07-2011, 11:52 PM
I think forgiving is very difficult from the human persepctive, especially if we perceive we have been damaged physically or hurt emotionally. On the other hand, I think forgiving CAN be accomplished from the divine perspective! That involves stepping back to a more distant and higher perspective and being able to remember that everything we enter into here is entered into by agreement. The circumstances that give us the most challenging times and the individuals who play a role in advancing them are not our enemies, but rather our loving teachers, agreeing to play the role of "villain" so that we might learn the lesson our soul hopes to achieve from the experience.. perfect the quality we hope to incorporate. Those who play a strong part.. "positive" or "negative" (from our human perspective!) in any given life are without question soul-family who love us greatly and are willing to play their assigned role in order to advance our understanding. When you can see things from that perspective, it's impossible to hate anyone, and very easy to forgive....
7luminaries
05-07-2011, 08:30 PM
I generally agree...though perhaps it's a bit neat. Though is your enemy your soul-group teacher? Your enemy who tortured or killed you, or your family, or your neighbors? Maybe your enemy is just an unwitting teacher. And maybe you were their unwitting teacher, despite the pain you may have suffered. And maybe your suffering & forgiveness were their lessons.
However, I do agree that those who know us in depth and truly care for us are likely members of our soul group, despite pain we may experience in knowing or interacting. I tend to think there is a certain resonance of souls amongst a soul group, i.e. they feel like "family" or as if you know them already on some level(s). Their souls seem familiar. But speaking only from my own experience, I find it very difficult to be intentionally cruel or hurtful to people in general, much less a member of my soul group.
Are certain others less sensitive? Less aware? Do they have a surfeit of rightousness or rigidity? I jest but...LOL...hmmm...I don't have the answers to those questions. It all depends, of course...
I would say if someone truly cares for you...and can look you in the eye and say, I did this out of love and if it's not clear to you, then this is why...then you may not agree, but if they are sincere then you can typically forgive, given time and your intent to do so. I've been on both sides and I've had to both forgive and be forgiven.
If one cannot do that...or will not...or doesn't care to do so...then it's less clear to me if they have done something out of love and concern. Perhaps some things will only get sorted properly in the afterlife. And yet we must deal with our suffering now & forgive and let go in the present moment.
Peace & blessings,
7L
alamode
12-07-2011, 03:47 AM
I'm getting a lot of practice with forgiving in this lifetime. Its getting easier. And its rewarding. Overall it just feels better rather than to carry on grudges and resentment. Like my spirit is lighter.
Brian
04-08-2011, 01:50 AM
I think forgiving is a great thing. At the same time, it's important not to allow oneself to be taken for granted again by the same person who might think that every wrong they commit is ok because they will be forgiven.
Distortedsoundz
04-08-2011, 04:03 AM
I think more important than the power of forgiving, is the importance of one getting out of their relationship with damage from their past and neutralizing it. Only then, can we truly forgive.
I think forgiving is a great thing. At the same time, it's important not to allow oneself to be taken for granted again by the same person who might think that every wrong they commit is ok because they will be forgiven.
Yes... Forgiving does not mean becoming a doormat for abuse, only being willing to let go of the past.
In fact, we might need to forgive ourselves for letting the hurt happen, if indeed we did have a part in that, even unconsciously.
Xan
I think more important than the power of forgiving, is the importance of one getting out of their relationship with damage from their past and neutralizing it. Only then, can we truly forgive.
Ds... Sometimes that's true... we have to leave a bad situation first.
Then other times we need to forgive in order to make whatever changes that are called for... in or out of the relationship.
Forgiving means freeing yourself of the negative emotions as an important part of any change.
Xan
Hi Xan, I'm new to the site and have been exploring many of the threads and posts... I know this has been up for some time, but it's so beautiful I just wanted to thank you for sharing it.
Mare
You're welcome, mare... and welcome to SF.
Xan
SteffMarshal
11-08-2011, 06:40 AM
Bundle of thanks to sharing with us a useful post,material.These virtues really have power and have strong effect on your self and soul.
Awesome! Everyone should learn forgiveness!
Taurus/Gemini
16-09-2011, 04:03 AM
That's awesome of you to share this!! Thank you!! Thank You!! ooooo
Greybeard
17-09-2011, 01:14 AM
I don't know if I completely agree with the idea of "a conscious process of forgiveness" or not, but that doesn't matter.
What I do know is that I was in my 40s already when I finally forgave my mother for all the supposed wrongs I thought she had committed.
There was no process. The forgiveness came unbidden, spontaneously. It was complete and deep.
And when it happened, I realized that until we forgive others we cannot forgive ourselves, and it is we who need the forgiveness.
I know that I am the one who needs the forgiveness. Not you, or they. Me.
The forgiveness doesn't descend from on High. It comes from within.
It is not something we can work at and succeed in. Rather, it is a process, slow and gentle, of seeing and accepting both the world and ourselves until we reach that point where forgiveness simply comes of itself.
The harder we fight against what we feel is negative, the more we resist our sins, the stronger they become. Surrender and submit. Peace is found there.
What a wonderful post Xan. Thank you.
Well said, Greybeard.
Xan
Clover Fairy
20-09-2011, 01:53 AM
Beautiful, thank you for sharing. I am having a hard time letting go/forgiving my sister, my only sibling. She hurt me so bad and has yet to think she has done anything wrong. She crossed boundaries that cannot be fixed. I feel that just because she is my blood doesn't mean I have to like her as a person and I chose to release that kind of negative energy from my life and I broke all contact. But it still hurts and disturbs me. I don't know how to completely let it go.
Clover Fairy... I suggest you read the opening post a few times, to get more understanding of what forgiving is and what it is not. Then just do the forgiveness process suggested.
That way you don't have to think about how to let go, simply doing the practice does the work. And keep going with it... even when you think it's enough, go for more.
Xan
dragon charms
02-11-2011, 04:14 PM
bringing this up.
ShapeShifter
06-11-2011, 01:31 AM
this article means alot. thankyou
Yassi
17-11-2011, 07:42 PM
Thank you very much :smile:
LishBliss
18-11-2011, 05:42 AM
Amazing. Thank you for sharing the technique!
You're most welcome, all.
Xan
SeaZen
18-11-2011, 10:45 PM
Excellent article Xan!
I would also like to add an additional little tidbit if you don't mind. There may be cases where you no longer wish to associate and speak with an individual you have forgiven. This is OK, however do not rationalize this in your mind as "because he/she hurt me". If you do this, you anchor the victim/villain vibration in your being which is something you do NOT want to do. This vibration will also anchor all negative thought and emotions about the event in your being whenever you think about the situation. This is why things can still hurt after you have forgiven someone.
Come up with a "emotionally neutral" different reason for not wanting to associate with said individual after you have forgiven them e.g. I no longer wish to waste my precious time and energy, I have better things to do, etc. etc.
eyalec
18-11-2011, 11:11 PM
Thx. Very helpful.
There may be cases where you no longer wish to associate and speak with an individual you have forgiven. This is OK...
Yes. As my friend said, "The cashier stole money from the store. So I forgave him, then I fired him."
Xan
Sapphirez
03-02-2012, 09:17 AM
bumping this to use later, thank you =)
Miss Hepburn
03-02-2012, 05:04 PM
Wait a minute- I found this thru another means and was going to bump it up today!!!
Great minds think alike.
:smile:
sesheta
03-02-2012, 06:31 PM
I agree with Greybeard in that I'm not sure I agree with there being a conscious "process" we can do to work towards forgiveness....and I also agree that forgiveness usually happens spontaneously, when the time is right. When I split with my ex, I spent several months carrying a lot of bitterness and negative feelings towards him. Then, one day, I realized that I was ready and able to "forgive" what had happened between us, and move forward.
I think the process of forgiveness is truly a subconscious journey.
Right now I am in another situation where I have been hurt and betrayed by someone I had considered a friend for many years. Maybe down the road, the forgiveness will come...but I am not going to try to "talk myself into" that forgiveness....it will have to come on its own.
I also completely agree that forgiveness does not mean letting that person back into your life - it's like the old saying:
"Fool me once- shame on you. Fool me twice- shame on me."
Yes, there comes a right time when forgiving is complete.
Yet, when we see that forgiving can also be a process of letting go, often that comes little by little, and we can choose it.
Xan
Aset90
11-02-2012, 05:45 AM
...I guess it's about time to forgive. I've never had to truly practice it before . I'm ready to forgive now because the thoughts and dreams of him are more intense and frequent than ever. I'll take it as a sign
Yes... it sounds like time for that step, Aset.
Xan
Light77
11-02-2012, 10:13 PM
Love this... So true. Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves.. We are the only prisoners when we do not forgive. Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves.
Gregatha
11-02-2012, 10:32 PM
First of all, thankyou xan..forgiveness is so important.
The act of forgiving, for me became easy, or should i say easier, when i had
the realisation that everyone, including myself, at any given time is doing
their best, regardless of whether our acts be good or bad, positive or
negative.
Now i don't have too like what people did or did not do....it just makes it
easier to forgive if i know that we are always doing our best.
So i'm cutting my brothers and sisters some slack, as we are always doing our
best, even though it may sometimes be our worst...cheers:hug3: :hug3:
shareunity
12-02-2012, 12:48 AM
amen..
thank you for sharing this. i will use this to forgive others.
and start my process of becoming a better ME. in my heart. soul mind. and inner beauty.
takin it one step at a time. :]
it just makes it
easier to forgive if i know that we are always doing our best.
I agree. If someone's best is really bad for me and them, it calls for compassion.
Xan
I agree with Greybeard in that I'm not sure I agree with there being a conscious "process" we can do to work towards forgiveness....and I also agree that forgiveness usually happens spontaneously, when the time is right. When I split with my ex, I spent several months carrying a lot of bitterness and negative feelings towards him. Then, one day, I realized that I was ready and able to "forgive" what had happened between us, and move forward.
I think the process of forgiveness is truly a subconscious journey.
Right now I am in another situation where I have been hurt and betrayed by someone I had considered a friend for many years. Maybe down the road, the forgiveness will come...but I am not going to try to "talk myself into" that forgiveness....it will have to come on its own.
I also completely agree that forgiveness does not mean letting that person back into your life - it's like the old saying:
"Fool me once- shame on you. Fool me twice- shame on me."
I like this one.
:smile:
"Forgiveness is a stream of love which washes away all impurities wherever it flows. By keeping this spring of love, which is in the heart of man, running, man is able to forgive, however great the fault of his fellow man may seem.
"One who cannot forgive closes his heart. The sign of spirituality is that there is nothing you cannot forgive, there is no fault you cannot forget."
- Pir-o-Murshid Inayat Khan
"Forgiveness is a stream of love which washes away all impurities wherever it flows. By keeping this spring of love, which is in the heart of man, running, man is able to forgive, however great the fault of his fellow man may seem.
"One who cannot forgive closes his heart. The sign of spirituality is that there is nothing you cannot forgive, there is no fault you cannot forget."
- Pir-o-Murshid Inayat Khan
I forgive, I forgive, ... I forgive me....
lovestars117
12-06-2012, 07:22 AM
I love this exercise. Thank you!
lovestars117
12-06-2012, 07:22 AM
I love this exercise. Thank you!
Occultist
12-06-2012, 11:05 PM
Sorry I dont believe in forgivness,. I dont believe that if I forgive my rapist I will be a better person.
Or anyone else that has caused me pain.
I take the pain and channel it well.
Also a learn from it and grow something beautiful out of it.
However this process has nothing to do with forgiving anyone.
"Forgiveness is saying ‘Hey, you did something, I was wronged. But it’s ok. I don’t hold you responsible for your actions now, and I don’t feel upset about it anymore.’"
http://www.becomingwhoyouare.net/2010/06/why-forgiveness-is-overrated/
Taking the pain of your life and transforming it into strength, wisdom and compassion is wonderful and I appreciate what it takes for anyone to do this good work.
However, I would still classify that as forgiving because you're not holding on to the pain pattern.
Forgiving is simply that... letting go of the pain of the past so you don't drag it along with you in your life.
This says nothing about the other person not being responsible, but that it's their life issue and no longer has anything to do with you in your freedom.
Xan
Belle
23-09-2012, 06:16 PM
Thank you for bringing me here, Xan.
eyalec
23-09-2012, 06:28 PM
there’s a lot of wisdom in these words.
Taking the pain of your life and transforming it into strength, wisdom and compassion is wonderful and I appreciate what it takes for anyone to do this good work.
However, I would still classify that as forgiving because you're not holding on to the pain pattern.
Forgiving is simply that... letting go of the pain of the past so you don't drag it along with you in your life.
This says nothing about the other person not being responsible, but that it's their life issue and no longer has anything to do with you in your freedom.
Xan
Forgiveness quotes...
He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. - Martin Luther King
Let us forgive each other, only then will we live in peace. - Leo Tolstoy
Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting. - William Ward
Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future. - Paul Boese
~ ~
Topaz
11-10-2012, 07:32 PM
Thank you Xan this is such a timely reminder x
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