How do you let people into your heart?

[Kaere]

Interesting question, I think.

I've been told by quite a few people that I tend to keep people at a distance. For the most part, I'd have to agree - I am very really ever so picky about who I let come close to me. I'd say there's maybe one person in the whole of the world who actually knows me through and through.

But as one of my goals for this year is to become more comfortable with trusting people and making a new friend, I'm aware that I need to be able to let someone get closer to me than I usually would.

But I'm stumped - how does a person do that? I really have no idea.


So... I'm asking! How do you personally let people get close to you? Is it something you do, share, do you trust first and ask questions later, do you bond over shared interests or is it something more intangible?

(If I'm making no sense whatsoever please let me know)

[spirit72]

Hi there,
I have been the same all my life, I know many people, I joke and talk and laugh with others all the time...but only one person knows me really well and that's my hubby... One thing I have learnt over the years is... It was not just I who had to find a way to reach out... It was for others to show they were worthy of my trust... If someone is truly trying to reach you, your gard will drop and you will let them in... Not to say that my trust has never been broken it has... But that's life. You move on and learn for the next time...
There are no hard and fast rules and friendship often comes from places you would never dream of...

[equuslife]

Interesting question, I think.

I've been told by quite a few people that I tend to keep people at a distance. For the most part, I'd have to agree - I am very really ever so picky about who I let come close to me. I'd say there's maybe one person in the whole of the world who actually knows me through and through.

Same here.

But as one of my goals for this year is to become more comfortable with trusting people and making a new friend, I'm aware that I need to be able to let someone get closer to me than I usually would.

I am curiois, why do you find the need to set this as a "goal"?

But I'm stumped - how does a person do that? I really have no idea.

So... I'm asking! How do you personally let people get close to you? Is it something you do, share, do you trust first and ask questions later, do you bond over shared interests or is it something more intangible?

I don't let them get close to me consciously or intentionally. I do not do anything specific to encourage nor invite anyone in to my experience. If I just allow it spontaneously occur then the outcome for me is much more genuine, pleasing, and lasting.

(If I'm making no sense whatsoever please let me know)

And, if I'm making no sense whatsoever please let me know too!

Please see above in blue.

[Medium_Laura]

I think MANY of us will echo you Kaere - we have learned early that we are "weird" or "different" because we are "intuitive".

Loving ourselves is a way I work on allowing people to become close to me. Because if Like attracts like, I want to meet people who also love themselves. Recently I am more open about who I am, I am not afraid of being judged or laughed at (I was before and probably why I was untrusting).

Working on my self-love has helped me greatly. :)

[Conaeolos]

I am very really ever so picky about who I let come close to me.
Accept imperfection with humour and excitement.
"How perfectly normal of you "
I'd say there's maybe one person in the whole of the world who actually knows me through and through.
Keep it that way because we listen first speak last(but make no mistake we always get the last word :)).
to become more comfortable with trusting people
...care less about the consequences. Getting hurt is a part of journey of living.
making a new friend
Stop defining where a friend begins and a casual acquaintance ends.
I'm aware that I need to be able to let someone get closer to me than I usually would. but I'm stumped
Express your confusion with a lot of people. People love it, their future friends.
How do you personally let people get close to you?
I tell a lot of stories...and nod listentivly toward theirs :P
Is it something you do, share, do you trust first and ask questions later, do you bond over shared interests or is it something more intangible?You do any of that even seeking the intangible your forcing it IMO. Your an awesome person...so if your quiet speak up...if your picky, enjoy stuff you dislike...if your bossy, stop and listen...if your weird ~ tone it down. In short constantly challenge yourself toward balance and invite others along for the ride. You don't have to be picky about who comes along just rude to the those your find intolerable. :P
And if any or all of this post seems very unhelpful, impractical or trite. I am not surprised because more often then not questions like these boil down not to lack of wisdom,explanation or ability but patience. When you practice(that mean live) the tried and true principles of being open/friendly (in the sense of getting that other new friend)...no matter where you start you always get there. When you practice being well...what ever it is you are now (picky?) that your challenging...your going to get even better at that.

[Adrienne]

(If I'm making no sense whatsoever please let me know)

Ok, I'm letting you know :tongue:

just kidding, you know sooner or later someone was going to say that, just thought I would do so sooner. :hug:

I know you are asking ~
How do you personally let people get close to you? Is it something you do, share, do you trust first and ask questions later, do you bond over shared interests or is it something more intangible? However, as I was reading your post the first thing that came to my mind was.... let's start at the beginning, or the root of the problem, shall we say ?

~ Why is it you find it so difficult to let people into your heart ?

I am not asking you to reply to that here, online, just a thought for you to think about, which when you have the answer to this, you may have an answer to some of the rest of your questions.

~ Did someone, once upon a time, break your heart ?

~ Perhaps it is something carried over from a past life ?

~ Did you trust someone who broke your trust ?

Next thing that comes to mind .... is that someone, and it wouldn't be me cause I am not really sure how this works, is going to mention the EFT and meditation, that seems to cure most anything, or be the answer to all questions. :D ( I am not saying it isn't the answer, just saying I am not sure exactly how it works and yes, I have read about it )

I am thinking once you find the "reasons Why " behind " Why is it so difficult to let people into your heart " then you will have the KEY to letting them in.

:hug: Dream Angel xx

[LaMont Cranston]

Kaere, I know of a very simple way to have closer relationships with people. If you are actually interested in doing that, be interested in who other people are and ask them interested questions rather than trying to be interesting yourself.

Many people go through life trying to impress others with who they are, and either they succeed at doing that or not. What many people fail to recognize is that their are countless numbers of people who absolutely love to meet somebody, anybody, who is actually interested in who they are.

Please understand, I am not suggesting that you do anything that is insincere or against your moral and ethical code. I am suggesting, and you can prove this for yourself, that if you are more interested in others, they will be more interested in having closer relationships with you.

Best wishes!

[Gem]

Kaere, I know of a very simple way to have closer relationships with people. If you are actually interested in doing that, be interested in who other people are and ask them interested questions rather than trying to be interesting yourself.

Many people go through life trying to impress others with who they are, and either they succeed at doing that or not. What many people fail to recognize is that their are countless numbers of people who absolutely love to meet somebody, anybody, who is actually interested in who they are.

Please understand, I am not suggesting that you do anything that is insincere or against your moral and ethical code. I am suggesting, and you can prove this for yourself, that if you are more interested in others, they will be more interested in having closer relationships with you.

Best wishes!

Good idea! Simple and practical.

Me likes.

[Kaere]

Thank you everyone for your replies - much to think about. I think it comes down to trust in the end - maybe trust a little bit more to avoid the whole pushing away/cutting off contact thing.

[Blue Dragon]

I got something from what Laura and Lamont said. My only gripe is one sidedness: me being interested in who they are and asking questions and diving into their likes and dislikes and stories, but their not showing interest in who I am. I don't like this one sided relationship. I want to be known and questioned and heard too.

[LaMont Cranston]

Blue Dragon, You wrongfully assume that if you are actually more interested in others that you will not get the attention you feel that you deserve and that you will be caught in a one-sided relationship. It doesn't work out that way. If you are more interested in who they are, they will be more interested in who you are, but somebody has to start. If both parties are waiting for somebody else to start, it is, most likely, not going to happen.

You have been given some very good and simple-to-use information about how you can have better relationships with some of your fellow human beings. Your first response is to act as if their is something inherently unfair about using that information, that you will somehow end up with the short end of the stick. It's attitudes like that that prevent people from having better relationships. So it goes...

[Blue Dragon]

I write vigorous notes on what I am learning from everyone's insights. And very useful insight it is! I will be putting them to use. I mention one sidedness because I experienced it often, and I know a person will relish in my attention and "forget" that I would like the same attention. I don't mind starting, I'm a man so I will. But many men gripe that the women aren't showing the same deeper interest, they just enjoy the man's attentions and talking about herself. And I am sure the reverse happens to women who do go deeper than the surface with men who are emotionally unavailable and don't talk. Chalk it up to whatever reason, but I run into too many women who don't try to get to know me deeper than the surface. That's my gripe. And you assume that someone will go in because I go in, but that's not been the case. I want a woman to probe deeper, talk more, ask more, find out more, and not be judgemental. Yes, hear one thing they don't like and here comes the sharp judgement and the exit. Even while she revealed wilder stuff about her past or an issue, and I didn't run or judge. So yes, one-sidedness is a gripe for me.

[LaMont Cranston]

Blue Dragon, We have all experienced one-sidedness, so your experiences are hardly unique, but you can gripe about it all you want. You seem to have some rather deeply set ideas about how women should respond to you in a relationship, and, not suprisingly, that could get you into a lot of trouble if your goal is to achieve an ongoing, loving relationship with a woman.

I am speaking from my own experiences and a lot of research in the field of man/woman relationships. In my case, I have been married to the same woman for 36 years, and I think my wife is great. What's also true is that, along the way, I have done many stupid things.

Women and men are different, and please don't twist that into having me say that one gender is better than the other. It's not like that! Women and men are complementary to each other (and, hopefully, also complimentary), and one of the components of having a great relationship is being able to appreciate the differences for what they are. If you expect women to act like men, you are setting yourself up for betrayals and relationships that fail.

Best wishes!

[dinh]

I'm just really open in general... I love everyone but it's very rare I find someone that I could be "in love" with. Unfortunately even when I do I open up too much too fast and they usually can't process it all or maybe I just scare them off.

I think the best way to go about things (this is only my opinion of course) is to be open and loving to everyone, and if people burn you, just realize that life is too short to let those negative events burden you.

[Kaere]

Yes, this question wasn't really about romantic love but more just how to learn how to let down barriers in order to let someone be a friend, male or female.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

[Lazarus72]

Yeah I think Lamont's put up some pretty good advice.

I'm not sure whether anyone can ever truly know you. Sounds a bit depressing though, I'd be happy enough to be wrong.

[Graelwyn]

This is something I am learning myself. I think how we respond to our negative experiences with others, can bring us to close off to others and to become wary of trusting.

I like to believe that once we have learnt to see things differently, and to be able to let hurts go a little easier, to maybe see them as being the result of that other person's experiences and not a personal attack or betrayal, that keeping an open heart will become easier.

[Blue Dragon]

If your heart is not open and you want it to be, then it takes practicing it. Giving people the chance to know you and taking the risk of being hurt and the risk of making a friend or soulmate. Risk is necessary for growth. Even if I have not been blessed with friends and companions, atleast I do take the risk of being open to people and trying to get to know others. And that's how you open your heart, you take the risk and open it. Maybe the wise one would open it in stages instead of just laying everything out there.

[Nader]

I think its all gotta come natural.

[Blue Dragon]

You can say that when your still green, but after loads of history, it takes effort and intention to be open.

[Kaere]

You can say that when your still green, but after loads of history, it takes effort and intention to be open.

Yes it does. If it came naturally and easily for me, I wouldn't need to ask this question. It's not like I've always had a ton of friends though but it used to be much easier to do - and I don't need much social contact to keep happy and content and such (I'm not looking to make friends with everyone out there). I just am feeling the lack (ie I have none at all) and I noticed that even though I met a couple of nice ladies through my sons school, I shut the whole thing right down when I could have called or met for coffee or something.

[Adrienne]

School's still in session, you still have a chance for coffee. :D

There's a difference between having coffee or casual friendship and letting someone into your heart.

[Kaere]

Yes, of course there is. But a deeper friendship has to start somewhere - I was just showing an example of what I'm trying to overcome at step 1, for lack of a better word.

Pretty much it seems it's all about taking a chance :dontknow:

[Blue Dragon]

Kaere I am where you are. It used to be simpler when we are innocent, but after we eat from the tree of good and evil... If you are like me, you do wish to have friends, and make the intention, but maybe you don't go the extra mile to do so. You don't want to impose yourself on people. Or you may not feel enough energy coming from them that would encourage you. Or you feel anxiety when an opportunity does arise. We gotta take the risk. We have to have the courage to move things forward and risk a negative experience. We are also risking a positive experience too!

[Adrienne]

Kaere, yes, you are right, it could start with a cup of coffee :smile:

how about if you make an effort to be the one who makes the first move to be friends ? not knowing you or much about you ... maybe you have already done this ?

start out slow, see how it goes, I myself don't just open my heart to anyone, there has to be a level of trust first

[Gracey]

when i came out of my hermit stage, i sought to have a friend. i choose my neighbor who has the worst morals and should not be trusted by anyone...i did not know this when i decided to befriend her and give her all my trust and all the postive i have within myself. she even said to me in suprize, you trust me dont you. i said yes i do. she ended up being my absolute best friend. she was immoral with everyone but me. we had a mutual respect. she ended up moving to africa and i miss her. really have not made any good friends since then, but kaere, i would say just who ever it is you want to befriend, give them your gods honest best and things should go well.

[Kaere]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice on this - I appreciate it very much :)

[Lisa]

I love you just the way you are, Karere :hug3:

You're spectacular, and I get you. :angel10:

Real friends see your heart as you are.

And dig who you are.

You don't need to do anything, they'll find you.

Just be alert for them when the they arrive. :smile:

If I weren't a beat up, old hermit, I'd be your friend in a heartbeat.

And I still will, and do the best I can. :wink:

[Kaere]

Oh gosh Lisa. From one old hermit to another, you're pretty sweet ((hugs))

[Kapitan_Prien]

For me it starts with the 'core' interests...and that would have to be 1) on the list: antiques - vintage living 1930s...and then take it from there...a bit at a time. I state that one because that is my life - and if there is to be any relationship, she must be compatible with this type of lifestyle.

[Roselove]

by putting your walls down, opening up, trusting them and healing your past.. i think people keep others at a distance as a way of protection from past hurts, while that's undertandable you are missing out on new oppurtunities

[Kapitan_Prien]

*I should state that it is easier for me to do this offline than it is online...

Online...I have no idea what's on the other side of the 'screen' so to speak. So, I play it safe...and that's pretty understandable.

[daisy]

Interesting question, I think.

I've been told by quite a few people that I tend to keep people at a distance. For the most part, I'd have to agree - I am very really ever so picky about who I let come close to me. I'd say there's maybe one person in the whole of the world who actually knows me through and through.

But as one of my goals for this year is to become more comfortable with trusting people and making a new friend, I'm aware that I need to be able to let someone get closer to me than I usually would.

But I'm stumped - how does a person do that? I really have no idea.


So... I'm asking! How do you personally let people get close to you? Is it something you do, share, do you trust first and ask questions later, do you bond over shared interests or is it something more intangible?

(If I'm making no sense whatsoever please let me know)


Kaere, i've not read any other posts yet, just yours, I know exactly what you mean as i'm very similar and usually the only ones who do get in are those who are prepared to work at chiselling their way in. I cannot trust my initial gut instinct about people as i've got it wrong too many times.

As you get to know a person better I think it becomes easier, so my advice would be don't give too much in the early days keep it easy and uncomplicated, occasionally there is an instant connection to someone, this happened to me in a forum and I hadn't even spoken to them!!!!

I'm the same only one person knows me inside out, and I always keep a part of me back, it feels safer that way.

[Kapitan_Prien]

Daisy: usually the only ones who do get in are those who are prepared to work at chiselling their way in.

That's the only way people can 'get in' with me...at least online, offline it's a bit easier in a sense.

[Kaere]

Thanks again everyone.

Hi daisy,

You know, I created this thread when I was feeling really low and wondering/thinking that there's something wrong with me because I'm so reserved. I feel quite isolated because there are so few people I feel a connection with - I do treasure those connections because those people did take the time and wanted to get to know me. I suppose it's lucky both ways - they're part of an exclusive group lol and I have some amazing people in my life.

I do wish sometimes that the "easier" connections came around more often. I think I'll stop wondering about it however and just enjoy what I've got.

Thanks.

[Kapitan_Prien]

Kaere,

I'm just naturally reserved to begin with...even offline, but if I'm consistently around a small group of people for long enough so that both sides get 'the feel' of the each other, it isn't so bad for me.

Like you - I treasure connections with people who really take the time to get to know me. It means much to me for example if someone would come across something that they feel I might be interested in.

I guess as one example - the lady I sometimes visit gave me that 'Bremerhaven' bracelet with the SS Bremen on it. Now, I don't know if there were deeper connections there (some sort of 'subconscious magnetism' that brought it to me or what) but that meant much to me.

I love German maritime stuff (for obvious reasons) and not only that, the bracelet was from 'my time' as well.

So - it's things of those sorts that really matter to this 'old stiff'.

[daisy]

I'd rather have two or three exceptional friends than 20 so called friends quality over quantity everytime, and you're not alone or weird in this (((hugs)))

Other people I can be 'easy going mates' with but I couldn't trust some of them totally, trust is so important to me.

[Kapitan_Prien]

I agree with you Daisy. I'd rather have a small 'group' of quality friends over 'poster' friends any day.

Trust is important here too.

[Zeliar791]

I have no ability to make friends. It comes down to however comes my way for the most part...

[athribiristan]

What you need is Love and a lack of expectation.

To have friends you have to be a friend. Look for opportunities to help people. Tell people that you care about them, that they matter to you. Tell them 'I want to be your friend'. Better yet, show them that you care and that they matter. Be motivated by other people, give your time to them willingly and freely.

When someone has a problem, ask them if they want to talk about. When someone wants to talk, listen. When someone wants to do something, say yes. When the phone rings answer it!

Be open. To new experiences, ideas, relationships, and friends :D

[Mata Das]

be emotionally naked and intimate, even if it means the risk of being hurt. if you cannot do this with others, do it alone with a novel or hallmark movie. you cannot let someone into a place where no tears and laughter comes out.
~your servant,
Mata Das

[Zeliar791]

What you need is Love and a lack of expectation.

To have friends you have to be a friend. Look for opportunities to help people. Tell people that you care about them, that they matter to you. Tell them 'I want to be your friend'. Better yet, show them that you care and that they matter. Be motivated by other people, give your time to them willingly and freely.

When someone has a problem, ask them if they want to talk about. When someone wants to talk, listen. When someone wants to do something, say yes. When the phone rings answer it!

Be open. To new experiences, ideas, relationships, and friends :D

I am open to anything interesting that comes my way.

[equuslife]

"....let go of your attachment to the outcome..."

[Silver]

I am very really ever so picky about who I let come close to me.
Accept imperfection with humour and excitement.
"How perfectly normal of you "
I'd say there's maybe one person in the whole of the world who actually knows me through and through.
Keep it that way because we listen first speak last(but make no mistake we always get the last word :)).
to become more comfortable with trusting people
...care less about the consequences. Getting hurt is a part of journey of living.
making a new friend
Stop defining where a friend begins and a casual acquaintance ends.
I'm aware that I need to be able to let someone get closer to me than I usually would. but I'm stumped
Express your confusion with a lot of people. People love it, their future friends.
How do you personally let people get close to you?
I tell a lot of stories...and nod listentivly toward theirs :P
Is it something you do, share, do you trust first and ask questions later, do you bond over shared interests or is it something more intangible?You do any of that even seeking the intangible your forcing it IMO. Your an awesome person...so if your quiet speak up...if your picky, enjoy stuff you dislike...if your bossy, stop and listen...if your weird ~ tone it down. In short constantly challenge yourself toward balance and invite others along for the ride. You don't have to be picky about who comes along just rude to the those your find intolerable. :P
And if any or all of this post seems very unhelpful, impractical or trite. I am not surprised because more often then not questions like these boil down not to lack of wisdom,explanation or ability but patience. When you practice(that mean live) the tried and true principles of being open/friendly (in the sense of getting that other new friend)...no matter where you start you always get there. When you practice being well...what ever it is you are now (picky?) that your challenging...your going to get even better at that.

I saw a guest reading this and didn't recall it, but this post is good, don't want to read further (but will)...I like this.

[Xan]

How do you let people into your heart?

Not being very active here in February I missed this interesting thread, so now I add this thought:

It's not other people you need to get close to but yourself.

By healing your emotional heart and discovering your inner, spiritual heart you become intimate in love within your own being.

Then you are free to love others and be loved as you wish.


Xan

[Docha]

For me it starts with that 'kindred' feeling, if my gut don't like em, I keep a distance...lol thee aren't many I react poorly to though.

I am always open and honest, my walls build as others judge me...if someone willingly takes me as I am I can do the ame in return.

I've only met one that can 'read' me fully or so it seems, but many are dear to my heart.

I don't think its a bad thing to keep most at a distance
I used to open up and love easy, got taken advantage of a lot so there is a good reason for walls.

It has more to do with trusting yourself and your strength than one would think. Its an inner confidence that takes over, knowing you will be ok no matter what the other person does.

[Xan]

Its an inner confidence that takes over, knowing you will be ok no matter what the other person does.

Yes indeed....


Xan

[TomTalia]

Thanks again everyone.

Hi daisy,

You know, I created this thread when I was feeling really low and wondering/thinking that there's something wrong with me because I'm so reserved. I feel quite isolated because there are so few people I feel a connection with - I do treasure those connections because those people did take the time and wanted to get to know me. I suppose it's lucky both ways - they're part of an exclusive group lol and I have some amazing people in my life.

I do wish sometimes that the "easier" connections came around more often. I think I'll stop wondering about it however and just enjoy what I've got.

Thanks.

There really is no need to have numerous close relationships with people. I see you value the few that you have and that is great.

Being open to others is an energetic thing and no words even have to be said for it to happen.

If we understand that existence takes care of us (our souls) no matter what, then we become more and more open to everything in existence. Not being open is a result of fear … fear of being hurt, fear of being abandoned, fear of being rejected, fear of being criticized, and so on …

Existence loves us and takes care of us. Existence always gives us what we need in order to grow. We may not like some of those things, but that is a result of our conditioning that some things are bad and some good.

[mattie]

... I think it comes down to trust in the end - maybe trust a little bit more to avoid the whole pushing away/cutting off contact thing.

I wonder if the trust is more about trusting your self than them???

... I don't need much social contact to keep happy and content ...

Some are natural ‘pack animals,’ needing to have a large network of friends & be around people allot while others are natural introverts. In western oriented societies the ‘pack animal’ is often regarded as normal & introverts seen as aberrant. This isn’t necessarily justified for many reasons.

[Aquatic_Dragon]

Let me reply with easily and willingly.

You need to let people into your heart otherwise there will be no progression but only fear. You've got to take chances to allow yourself to grow in confidence.

You've got to be strong and if you are looking for love then love will not come if you don't let it into your heart. :smile:

[Silver]

Some are natural ‘pack animals,’ needing to have a large network of friends & be around people allot while others are natural introverts. In western oriented societies the ‘pack animal’ is often regarded as normal & introverts seen as aberrant. This isn’t necessarily justified for many reasons.


That's a relief. Ty mattie~*

[Maiya]

You allow people into your heart by allowing them to let you into theirs.