Originally Posted by gerrygirl
Im so confused what Im supposed to do and how to deal with and what to ask and how to be in my life, because no matter what I do , who I chose I just manage to screw it up.
An example is this. Im happy to let two lovely people be in my home at very low rates for the space they occupy because I care…. But because of that Im short of money. Im also aware that fnding someone to live in the small town I live in in NZ hard to find so you have to understand, that the fact I got a boarder is a bonus. The only person who is single (not a couple so less cost) occupies far less space, and pays the same, yet he is the only one who helps me and ask for nothing in return.
Due to the lack of income I get a live in boyfriend because he offers to supplement the lack of income for food, as the money I receive from benefits is only enough to pay the mortgage and bills on a massive house my ex husband left me with when he left without warning for another women, so he could get half the equity I invested in the house I paid for. Then I find out this BOYFRIEND in terms of his negative energy, is making every one sick ii the house, and is draining me too, so when he leaves everyone is happy, but then Im back to not being able to pay for costs, PLUS almost like clockwork, things start to go wrong where I need help due to maintenance issues, and yet those that contributed to the problem that live here, are powerless or too lazy to offer any help, so again Im left in the situation in my life where its always about me BEING there for others, helping them with their healing, being a shoulder to cryon, being understanding, considerate, and predictably, they are too busy, to self centered to be there to help me and spirit doesn’t seem to be interested to help me either.
Do you know what, this life has drained me of everything I have to give, with so very few rewards. I cant do this any more…… I deal with the same **** on a daily basis most of what other people call stress AND more, yet Im meant to hold it together, and I try so hard to be all things to everyone as I love to help, but when that help isn’t there for me (cos it aint THEIR problem), then I start to give up…… Ive had 46 years of struggle and ( word removed ) and giving so much of myself for others, for WHAT? To keep being left on my own to cope with it all….. I really cant do this any more, Im too old, to tired and too used to being abandoned, by those who ive always been there for when they need me, but they can never find the time or the energy to help me in return. Life is too one sided for me, and when spirit cannot be bothered to compensate in finding someone else to help or give me support, then I really have no time or energy or enthusiasm to keep bothering.
I need to get another boarder now, but because of (my boarders) Jamie’s early morning lung expulsion I cant put somebody in the bedroom next to theirs as it wakes you up. So because of this I will have to give up MY bedroom as its quieter and I therefore have to put up with his early morning lung spasm at 5.30am and be woken up every day as its not fair on someone else paying to live here. Im at course during the day, to get a NZ qualificton so I can find a job (which don’t exist in this part of NZ), Im also studing in the evenings doing a flower essence course as my reiki certificate isn’t reognised in NZ. Im taking care of a 5 year old, who gets up at 6am every day, doing ongoing maintenance on a 450sqm wooden house and 1 acre of grounds, that is overgrown and major work, with no money or support. I cant give the house away as my mother loaned money to me for our immigration costs that needs repaying when the house sells, so Im beholden to her, the joint mortgage Im paying on benefits, and its upkeep with no money to do so.
There is obviously something very horrible or nasty about me, to be dealt such a hand in life for SO long. Ive tried to understand what it is about me that deserves to be shat on so much, and Im still not getting it, so maybe its best if I just go home, to god, not as a cope out, but in order to GET IT, or start again, as my life just seems to go from bad to worse no matter what I do or try to do, to make it easer or better, so Im obviously doing something wrong, and Im not seeing what it is, and because of this, I cant keep getting life crapping on me more and more, because Im not seeing the bigger picture, even though Im trying to, its like being tazzered and before I have a clue why its happening, to even catch your breath and take stock, Im being immobilised by the tazer again.
My son deserves a happy and stable life, a life I didn’t have, but tried to make for myself and my daughter (since age 4 to 19 as my 1st husband was violent), and knowing with my very best efforts to do so, she thinks I did a (word removed ) job, and knowing there is another little person now needing me to do the same, much later I my life, with far less assets/financial stability, family support, or physical ability, is it time for me to finally stop FIGHTING to be there for my kids and let their fathers do the job of raising their child?
As life doesn’t seem to want to help me do that, bull ( word removed ) marital laws in NZ and circumstance just always seem to be there to prevent it, and me from moving forward in any meaningful way. Most people who have had my life would have probably ended it by the time they were 12… Ive kept going with naive hope and optimism, just to be in the same situation but with far more responsibility and problems that I had as a teenager.
I started a course in flower essences three months ago to help others and myself, Ive seen the benefits to others, and some for myself, but the physical responsiblites that just keep piling on despite my effort to strengthen myself emotionally/mentally seem to outstrip any human beings ability to cope….. Ive always believed God only give you the challenges that you are able to cope with…… I have to be honest and say, I really cannot cope any more, as the challenges in my life have been relentless and constant, that Ive hadn’t even had time to take a breath, and I don’t know if I can continue.
So the purpose of all this, is wanting to go HOME so bad? Ive been here 46 years and so far life just keeps dealing me ****, so my take on this is, IM not getting it~ SO IS IT TIME I went home did my healing and learn what it is Ive not been getting all this time? Other healers Ive met in this life time, are either single, have a strong supportive family network, or their kids have grown up, ie NO MAJOR RESPONSIBILITY other than to themselves, Im not in that situation I have been given MAJOR responsibilities and NO financial help, just a money hungry gold digging ex husband, no job prospects, selfish boarders, a house and grounds that needs constant work that cannot sell due to insurance criteria, studying two course to get a qualification and a five year old with learning difficulties to take care off and support, with no financial means to do so.
Sometimes I wish I was more like my sister….. she always believed she didn’t deserve the financially poor childhood she had, and believed she was adopted. She bullied and berated my parents and her siblings forever. But its OK, because her husband makes a living as a con man, so she can live a life style she believes she should have. In fact the people her husband bribes money from so they can afford their lavish lifestyle, they invite around their house for dinner parties…. And last year their victims money paid to send their eldest daughter to Venice for her 21st birthday! Isnt that lovely, while my daughter is still in the UK, doing a degree in civil engineering being deprived of support due to the changes in the student loan laws as its now been privatised and her mother cannot help her in any way because Im on benefits thanks to a gold digging husband, and cant even afford to feed myself and my young son!!! So it makes you think, if someone like my sister who has the lifestyle she has from a thieving husband is so protected in this impoverished economic society, who is selfish nasty and greedy, when Ive spent my life as a healer helping others, and end up being so destitute and incapable of simply feeding your child, when you have years of work experience but you cant get a job because your UK qualifications aren’t recognised in another country, you start to wonder why am I here?
Without wanting to sound synical, Jesus was born to a life of poverty. He knew his purpose and it broke his mothers heart. He felt along, he suffered, and he was betrayed and tortured. Ive was tortured since childhood, at least jesus didn’t have to endure being raped, along with all the other forms of cruelty. His Mother loved and supported him, that was a blessing, his mother wasn’t bring men home to abuse him as a child/teenager. I was tortured by deamons as was Jesus, and like Jesus my angles were also there to comfort me, until I asked God to take my clairvoyant gift back because the night time attacks from deamons, just meant that I had no peace from the day time of abuse I was also getting from my parents. The silly thing is, if my life ended at 30 as did Jesus’ being physically tortured for his desire to help others and being humanly abandoned for it, for me at least it would be the end of all the ****. But my life has just carries on, a constant barrage of people using me, hating me, hurting me, falsely accusing me in a society where you HAVE to pay to exist of 500 a week, outside of food, and FEED a child in your care, something thank God Jesus didn’t have the added responsibility of. It was just himself, a life purpose, and a long suffering mother. Whereas my mother doesn’t give a damn, and my child needs me, to put up with all this **** and be there for him, I just wish I had the strength and ability to do it, ut I don’t any more.
If self centred greedy people like my sister has been able to escape prosecution from corruption and illegal actives to have a lavish lifestyle, and spirit have done little to help support me in my desperate hours of need, when despite my constant requests for a boarder and didn’t get one, I collapsed through starvation and ended up in hospital, when Ive begged and pleaded their help, and yet still find it within myself to help others who need help, I have to ask, why am I hated so much and therefore why do I keep fighting to survive to take care of my son, IF he has a father who is well off has a good job and can take care of him, when spirit and life despite my constant effort, seems to leave me incapable of doing so.