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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #1  
Old 06-03-2018, 10:57 AM
olhosdeamendoa olhosdeamendoa is offline
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Would you date a separated but still married person?

If you meet a great guy (or girl) with whom you have a great connection and chemistry with, have a great time together, but they are still married, would you date them?

I have met a great guy, but he's got separated only 7 months ago. He lives on his own on a separate house, and according to the law in England, people need to be separated for 2 years before they can fill in for divorce. So, he'll only be able to do so after 1 year and a half.

I mean, on one hand you have this 5D great soul connection, and on the other hand, the implications of 3D physical life, as in legally he's commiting adultery even if separated, and his ex can create problems, etc.

Would you risk it?
  #2  
Old 06-03-2018, 11:07 AM
OEN34 OEN34 is offline
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Absolutely!

I met someone when I was legally married and wasn't divorced at the time and it was fine. There's many, many relationships like this, it's more than normal and we're not living in 1940 now so you're fine :)

Ultimately, he's not in a relationship with her, and that's all that matters, IMO.
  #3  
Old 06-03-2018, 07:40 PM
olhosdeamendoa olhosdeamendoa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OEN34
Absolutely!

I met someone when I was legally married and wasn't divorced at the time and it was fine. There's many, many relationships like this, it's more than normal and we're not living in 1940 now so you're fine :)

Ultimately, he's not in a relationship with her, and that's all that matters, IMO.

Thank you!
  #4  
Old 09-03-2018, 02:58 PM
7luminaries 7luminaries is offline
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I think the 2 years is an attempt to be prudent because folks may reconcile. I either know or have heard of several instances of this.
If they do not, the 2 years is time which can be used to deal with their loss and reflect and learn how to be on their own. They say it takes 3 to 5 years to fully recover emotionally and mentally (and spiritually) from a divorce or major breakup.

Getting involved within about 6 mo after splitting is about right for many gents as they have a need for sex and touch from a woman...but it doesn't mean they are looking for anything serious or permanent, regardless of what they say. Many will not say that outright as they'd feel like a cad. But it is still a rebound relationship for many if it occurs within the first few years of a major split like a divorce.

I just want to be the voice of caution here...you may get along great but the timing is poor and most gents would be extremely horny 6 months on after many years of being reasonably well supplied sexually and then having to adjust suddenly to none of that. Like being out to sea for 6 months and then finally hitting port. So you have to ask yourself...is this gent so amazingly brilliant that you'd be ok with being shagged and dumped after say 6 to 12 months, just when you might have really begun to trust there was reason to think it was "long-term"?

The odds are not at all in your favour...nor anyone who gets involved in this scenario. If you say to him you'd rather wait till he's closer to being legally free and has had time on his own, and then the gent were to move on quickly to another woman (as quite a few will do -- perhaps the majority of separated men who have time to pursue it )-- then you'd know if any other willing woman he fancied would do. Then you'd know it's more the need for ready intimacy and less about who you are as a person.

Most gents I meet on coffee dates have had at least a few of these "relationships" within the first 3 to 5 years of divorcing...many have had loads of hookups and so forth as well. In this time period, a lot of very poor judgment is shown all round, and folks are almost not in their right mind in many cases for months or years on end. It's not a situation I'd advise.

I'll be honest, the likelihood of resulting STI/STD diseases with these gents is another just a nauseating turnoff. So I wanted to give you my perspective, as I've seen far too many extremely needy, grasping divorced men who can hardly even be bothered to get to know you before demanding sex For certain if you were really set on getting involved, IMO you'd need to get tested and use protection for months to be sure they were clean and truly monogamous...as what I've heard many admit is that they often will not be, not unless they truly love you...and that won't be for at least 6 months in, most likely.

According to most gents I've asked in my informal surveys , they want to shag as soon as possible but of course they also honestly confirm that there's no way to know if they'll ever deeply love you IF AT ALL, for at least 6 months, maybe 6-12 months. That part actually rang true. That is, in this roundabout sort of way, scores of men have openly admitted to me that they use most of the women they've dated for any length by shagging them and then parting ways. Knowing full well that most of the time, they won't love her or not enough to commit, no matter how long they shag her.

This is a "normal" relationship under (IMO) our truly toxic and degraded social paradigm...the man demands sex and touch from any woman before "getting to know her", the woman puts out hoping for love and time spent (most women), and 9 of 10 times it'll not work out because he wants nothing more and/or there's no mutual love...or it lingers on as long as she'll have it. The obvious thing to do is not have sex until you mutually get to know and love each other as people and as beloved friends who then also want to be life partners.

But in the current arrangement...men knowingly use women for sex and affection whilst knowing full well the deal is, only once or twice in their lives will they truly love (and/or commit) to a woman. It's not the fault of any one man...IMO it's the toxic social paradigm under which we've all been raised to think crazy mad is "normal" and that coldly using and disposing of others purely for sexual convenience is OK because it's "routine" and "everyone does it". Once it has been normalised as commonplace and "ok", then it becomes "good" and "right" and your compliance is demanded and required, LOL. This is pure cultural brainwashing. IMO the culture has to shift, and we have to shift it, before we see men en masse behaving differently.

Ideally, you'd meet up again in a few years after urging him to rigourously practice safe sex in the interim (LOL)...and then see if you still fancy him and if you still feel his interest in you is real and genuine and lasting, once he's had a chance to heal and hopefully get past the rebound stage. Only then is a person truly capable of giving and being in a committed relationship...before that, even if they desired it (and this is not a given), they just don't have it in them.

And good luck to you whatever you do decide!
Peace & blessings
7L
__________________
Bound by conventions, people tend to reach for what is easy.

Here we must be unafraid of what is difficult.

For all living beings in nature must unfold in their particular way

and become themselves despite all opposition.

-- Rainer Maria Rilke
  #5  
Old 09-03-2018, 04:19 PM
OEN34 OEN34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 7luminaries
Getting involved within about 6 mo after splitting is about right for many gents as they have a need for sex and touch from a woman...

Quite a broad generalisation there, 7L. The same can be said for women, too. I have known many - either friends or ex work colleagues - who were on the prowl not even two months post split. I don't even think it's necessarily the case of sex, I think it's searching for that something they feel is missing, IMO.


Quote:
Originally Posted by 7luminaries
I just want to be the voice of caution here...you may get along great but the timing is poor and most gents would be extremely horny 6 months on after many years of being reasonably well supplied sexually and then having to adjust suddenly to none of that Like being out to sea for 6 months and then finally hitting port. So you have to ask yourself...is this gent so amazingly brilliant that you'd be ok with being shagged and dumped after say 6 to 12 months, just when you might have really begun to trust there was reason to think it was "long-term"?

Again, another very broad generalisation. Could the same not be said for a female? Could they not shag and dump someone after less than six to twelve months? I have seen this happen, too, and both male and female were the perpetrator.


Quote:
Originally Posted by 7luminaries
Most gents I meet on coffee dates have had at least a few of these "relationships" within the first 3 to 5 years of divorcing...many have had loads of hookups and so forth as well. In this time period, a lot of very poor judgment is shown all round, and folks are almost not in their right mind in many cases for months or years on end. It's not a situation I'd advise.

Would you not agree people heal at different rates when it comes to splits?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 7luminaries
I'll be honest, the likelihood of resulting STI/STD diseases with these gents is another just a nauseating turnoff. So I wanted to give you my perspective, as I've seen far too many extremely needy, grasping divorced men who can hardly even be bothered to get to know you before demanding sex For certain if you were really set on getting involved, IMO you'd need to get tested and use protection for months to be sure they were clean and truly monogamous...as what I've heard many admit is that they often will not be, not unless they truly love you...and that won't be for at least 6 months in, most likely

Sheesh! I'm learning to read you dislike the male race, 7L I have caught an STI off a female before, which is complete truth. It is anyone, not just men. What are your thoughts on this?


I've left your other points as they're along the same angle. Do you have a poor history with men? I'm not suggesting you have at all as I don't know you, but from reading it there's a lot of stabs at them.
  #6  
Old 09-03-2018, 06:14 PM
A human Being A human Being is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OEN34
Quite a broad generalisation there, 7L. The same can be said for women, too. I have known many - either friends or ex work colleagues - who were on the prowl not even two months post split. I don't even think it's necessarily the case of sex, I think it's searching for that something they feel is missing, IMO.
This is the crux of the matter for me, yeah - it's the human condition writ large, in essence, and it causes people (of both genders) to compromise their integrity and very often simply leads to heartache and all sorts of ugly consequences further down the line. It's why I really feel that we need to heal the conflict within ourselves in order to affect real, meaningful change in the way we relate to one another, and that means letting go of any negativity we may feel towards others, however justified it may appear to be.
  #7  
Old 09-03-2018, 07:36 PM
7luminaries 7luminaries is offline
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Aww...much love to you gents and please don't be offended...

The poster is a woman and is not seeking advice on how to handle a potential female partner...this advice, and the larger context of it that I provided...is tailored to the OP

Now looky here ...

Quote:
It's not the fault of any one man...IMO it's the toxic social paradigm under which we've all been raised to think crazy mad is "normal"

Please looky here as well, hahaha....this is not about blame. This is about gaining perspective re: the OP. Again, please step back...this is not about blaming anyone...this is a cultural problem, a serious issue with vast, wide-ranging effects. (And I don't know how much clearer I could say that, LOL).

And, long story short, women don't crave sex like men...and a million studies confirming this or even seeking to mod or restate the reality in some way, won't add much that's new. Women desire partners for children and they desire connection and bonding with ALL the people in their lives, including partners.

For the 95% of women, it was always about love and bonding and after we've had kids (or pass our 30s regardless), I'd say IMO 95+% of women gain the perspective to clearly articulate that point, full stop. There remain a residual remnant who have not (re)gained their centre but they are exceptions past the point of spiritual maturity for women (after kids/30s).

Now gents...you need to read this carefully...JUST LIKE MEN, if a woman much past the age of innocence (early 20s, uni age, etc) shags you right off, or early on, then absolutely you must assume that she too is a utilitarian predator who has "drunk the Kool-Aid" i.e., the propaganda of the mainstream cultural paradigm which says it's ok to use others for your emotional/ego/sexual needs.

For these women who populate the margins BUT who are widely sought after by young/ or dumb/ or full of ... males who are looking for easy shags, it is nearly 99% of the time emotional/ego needs she is manipulatively seeking to fulfill. Whereas, much of the time for men when seeking easy shags and/or casual sexual relationships, it is primarily for sex and touch, and/or based in ego needs to dominate and use in the primal sense.

Bottom line...I cannot say it strongly enough...if a woman shags you without a strong foundation of mutual love and commitment...caveat emptor, you big lugs ;) ...buyer better damn well beware. Remember women don't need sex and sorry gents, it's basically never that you're just just that great that women have to have you sexually. We aren't wired that way, and you should run, not walk, away from any woman (past the age of innocence) IMO who is willing to be touched by a hand that doesn't love her and is willing to touch you with a cold hand, a hand that doesn't love YOU.

You need to be wise enough to understand that given it's not physical (for the woman), then if she has no love for you personally, it's NOT about sex per se AND it's NOT about you at all. You are simply the gent she will exploit for her ego need(s), for control and manipulation. And if you left, the next available gent who was randy and easily manipulated by sex would do just as well. Brutal, but true. So long as a man will not or cannot own his game long enough to get to know and love a woman before sex, he will always be easy fodder for this type of predator and they are repeat offenders, typically, whether male or female.

Same as I said to the OP...that if a man is looking for sex and demands it right away, without love or even knowing you well, it's not about you and the next willing woman he fancied well enough who parted her thighs would do. Again, brutal but true and I wouldn't want her or anyone in that situation. So long as a woman feels she has no options for anything more authentic, that she must "pay to play" in order to ever be loved (a sick lie but widely promulgated), or that she must endure a cold, loveless hand (over and over again in life) in order to "hopefully one day" partner and have children with someone who will love her, she will always be easy fodder for this type of predatory repeat offender.

Luckily for women, they don't require sex and either have kids or not typically by 40...and they are then free to gain or regain their centre more fully and steer clear of this toxic, traumatic rubbish -- if they didn't already. Unluckily for women, it is still the majority of men in adulthood in the West who still follow the script that 'you must pay' (up front with sex) to play' ("get to know me") rubbish. And the tide is only just beginning to turn back toward sustainability and authentic love and away from dehumanisation and utilitarianism. So it cuts both ways, dividing all and serving none, IMO.

OEN...I'm so, so sorry to hear of your troubles with being dumped and with STI/disease. Please read the above paragraphs and steer clear by a mile of these types going fwd...you are worth better than that and if you live it as truth, then indeed you know it to be true.

No...I have never drunk the Kool-Aid and I have never had exploitative or abusive relationships. I don't have sex with those I don't mutually know and love and to whom I am not committed. I am a woman, I've had my child, and I can abstain for as long as I like. Years. I don't need sex to have love in my life. Instead, as a spiritually and emotionally mature woman, love must be freely offered (and mutual) if sex is desired. Otherwise never mind and who cares? The culture has taken a particularly utilitarian, exploitative, and loveless, sordid turn in what I very loosely refer to as "relationships". Which used to mean love or something approaching that -- but now is simply a pointless euphemism for screwing most of the time, LOL... Historians and academics mark it really as from 1960 onward, such that many don't have any sane reference point and it's all they've known. Crazy mad predation and amoral utilitarianism is all they've ever seen or known as "normal". I saw and heard it too but it never took...I quickly cast off all the dehumanising utilitarianism as utter bunk.

I realise the culture has almost intentionally ruined and degraded many men in this way, such that they don't even realise how much of their full capacity for humanity has been stunted or compromised in mindless service to porn and casual sex addictions which society has ruthlessly promoted, This is in fact one of the great unnamed crimes against men's humanity. And it makes me angry at the injustice, on principle, just as I see women -- especially younger women (or similarly, some women post-divorce) following the same toxic script which tells them pimping themselves out to please men in the desperate hope that they will be loved is "the way" to happiness.

That said, if men continue to demand that I prostitute myself for the privilege of "getting to know" me () then I can wait them out. I just now look finally look like I'm cresting 30 and I'm finally getting some respect, my son is halfway grown, and I've got a decent job and skills Life is good, whether we round the bend now or later. I think we can look around and see it's beginning now, so cultural change usually occurs within a decade or less these days, and full-on changes will be more visible as a few more years roll by and more and more younger women get a clue.

The tide has already turned and it's already the beginning of the end of the utilitarian cultural notion of the last half-century that women can be used without consideration or commitment, that men must define themselves by callous use of women, and that women have no other options...all that is riding on fumes as I see it. Teenage sex itself, along with teen pregnancy, (early markers) have been on the decline for several years now and will catch up to young adulthood soon. The post-kids group already has got a clue, as always -- aside from the scary fringe that will shag anyone and should be avoided.

Crash course in the cultural fallout regarding interpersonal partner dynamics...enjoy!

Peace & blessings
7L
__________________
Bound by conventions, people tend to reach for what is easy.

Here we must be unafraid of what is difficult.

For all living beings in nature must unfold in their particular way

and become themselves despite all opposition.

-- Rainer Maria Rilke

Last edited by 7luminaries : 09-03-2018 at 09:42 PM.
  #8  
Old 09-03-2018, 07:55 PM
7luminaries 7luminaries is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OEN34

Quite a broad generalisation there, 7L. The same can be said for women, too. I have known many - either friends or ex work colleagues - who were on the prowl not even two months post split. I don't even think it's necessarily the case of sex, I think it's searching for that something they feel is missing, IMO.

I think (in all honesty) these folks are in that phase where as I said, they are not in their right minds. I would recommend therapy and self-nurturing and care rather than what amounts to lobbing "sexual napalm" all over everyone who crosses their path. (One of John Meyer's best quotes).

And I agree, that when you see this degree of recklessness, there is literally no way in hell that anyone who engages with folks in this mad rebound period could expect anything other than to be brutally used, whether gay or straight, man or woman.

Remember, however, the OP is female and speaking of a man. My response was tailored specifically to her

Quote:
Originally Posted by A human Being
This is the crux of the matter for me, yeah - it's the human condition writ large, in essence, and it causes people (of both genders) to compromise their integrity and very often simply leads to heartache and all sorts of ugly consequences further down the line.

It's why I really feel that we need to heal the conflict within ourselves in order to affect real, meaningful change in the way we relate to one another, and that means letting go of any negativity we may feel towards others, however justified it may appear to be.

Agreed, and well said!

Peace & blessings all
7L
__________________
Bound by conventions, people tend to reach for what is easy.

Here we must be unafraid of what is difficult.

For all living beings in nature must unfold in their particular way

and become themselves despite all opposition.

-- Rainer Maria Rilke
  #9  
Old 09-03-2018, 11:52 PM
Raziel Raziel is offline
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.
Sheesh,

I don't even have the words, time, patience for what I have just witnessed so I'll borrow someone elses.



The vicar who married us said something at our wedding that really stuck.

Each relationship is unique & it's between those people, ultimately it's up to them to decide it's content & if it succeeds ..


.
__________________
.


"I am your creation.
Now, as before - you criticise your own work."


- LOK
  #10  
Old 10-03-2018, 08:23 AM
Lorelyen Lorelyen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Raziel
.
Sheesh,

I don't even have the words, time, patience for what I have just witnessed so I'll borrow someone elses.



The vicar who married us said something at our wedding that really stuck.

Each relationship is unique & it's between those people, ultimately it's up to them to decide it's content & if it succeeds ..


.

I have trouble with questions like these. The only way to learn is to find out; be honest about the outcome and store it as experience to better anticipate the outcome next time should there be one.

I've found that male divorce plaintiffs tend emotionally to be all-over-the-place (as in messed up, not ubiquitous). They're on the rebound, need their timing belts adjusted so they can return to normal running. Women are probably the same.

Whatever, it's important to see their current bank statements. LOL.

I've heard vicars say things as you quote. I've done a couple of weddings in a church where the console faces across the chancel so I can see/hear what's going on. I watch the happy couples on "the big day". It's really their little day - the start.

I reckon the 2 years is as 7L says, a time to allow for adjustment. Mum says if the pair can weather the first three years they stand a good chance. In the UK you aren't forced to hold out the 2 years if you get permission from the High Court to proceed.
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