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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Soulmates & Twin Flames

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  #1  
Old 26-02-2018, 10:27 PM
imawonderer imawonderer is offline
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Question Is it my fault?

sorry didn't know which forum to put this in .. but me and my ex don't know if I even should call him the we only been together a week and we been speaking for a month first time we ever spoke he said things like I'm gonna make you fall in love with me.. and why we ended was because on Monday he was really ill and I spoke to him but he wasn't speaking much so I thought ill wait till he gets better and he will text me(gave him space) ..but 3 days went past got nothing so I was like to my friend follow him and see if he follows back and ect and he did so I got really mad and texted him like what are you doing and you been ignoring me and so on and he was like "I don't care because you don't care about me I been in hospital for 2 days and u didn't text and people I'm not close with even texted me" even though I didn't know he was in hospital and I apologised and sent him 30 texts he read but didnt say anything but read them..and previously just said he won't forgive me and has nothing to say to me.. he previously has been cheated on and he use to say how usually girls fall for him first then he eases into it but with me he liked me so quick and even said I love you already..im just so confused and so sad.. I know I feel bad that I didn't text him but I didn't know for him to make it so final after such one mistake ..I just don't get it
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  #2  
Old 26-02-2018, 10:57 PM
OEN34 OEN34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imawonderer
sorry didn't know which forum to put this in .. but me and my ex don't know if I even should call him the we only been together a week and we been speaking for a month first time we ever spoke he said things like I'm gonna make you fall in love with me..

You don't know each other, I'm afraid. A month of knowing someone - especially with this type of connection - isn't knowing someone.

He's also showing alarming signs of desperation, control and manipulation by saying he's going to make you fall in love with him. His self esteem is below the ground.

Quote:
Originally Posted by imawonderer
but 3 days went past got nothing so I was like to my friend follow him and see if he follows back and ect and he did so I got really mad and texted him like what are you doing and you been ignoring me

This is just as controlling, possessive and manipulating as he is. I imagine your self worth is rock bottom also.

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Originally Posted by imawonderer
sent him 30 texts he read but didnt say anything but read them...

As above

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Originally Posted by imawonderer
he liked me so quick and even said I love you already

Again, very clingy and desperate. Him because he's saying those things and you because you felt something from those words.

I mean this with the greatest respect - I really do - but I imagined you to be younger than your age in your profile when I read this.

What do you have in your life that you are happy with right now?
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  #3  
Old 26-02-2018, 11:25 PM
imawonderer imawonderer is offline
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well iam 22 and iam in university feel like I'm at stage should be with someone and I haven't even been in relationship .I guess it was nice to hear someone say all these nice things about myself cause usually don't let people close like that .so maybe I thought it was true and he was telling the truth cause usually I have a wall up..and I just felt so guilty that I made him feel like that..plus h wanted to be with me way before and I use to tell him no because its too soon so I thought why not maybe just go into this

Last edited by imawonderer : 27-02-2018 at 01:21 AM.
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  #4  
Old 27-02-2018, 07:38 AM
OEN34 OEN34 is offline
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Originally Posted by imawonderer
well iam 22 and iam in university feel like I'm at stage should be with someone and I haven't even been in relationship .I guess it was nice to hear someone say all these nice things about myself cause usually don't let people close like that .so maybe I thought it was true and he was telling the truth cause usually I have a wall up..and I just felt so guilty that I made him feel like that..plus h wanted to be with me way before and I use to tell him no because its too soon so I thought why not maybe just go into this

Society makes people think there are 'stages' in our life when we need or should be in a relationship, buy a house, own that fabulous car - the truth is, there is no stage, yet majority of us (I, myself did) live this way, which isn't wrong by the way. Ease off the gas a bit, you're a young lady, there's no rush!

I won't dissect your message too much, but there are a few red flags in it that raised my eyebrows. You said yourself you have a wall up to protect yourself from others, so this ought to be investigated. Does this not make you question why you have a wall up?

It might be time to be truthful to yourself now and getting under the skin of things, if you want to. Have you sat down quietly and asked yourself ''I'm aware I don't like letting people close to me and have a wall up - why is this?'' and go on from there. The answers will provoke more questions and then you can start to look at healing yourself if you like.

Healing can be hard work, a lot shy away from it, but it's also beautiful.

You didn't make him feel anything. He chose to react that way. His response was petulant and he was playing the blame game, attempting to make you responsible for him choosing his own feelings. You really have nothing to feel guilty about.

Look, you took a chance with this chap, but it sounds as though it started on the wrong foot. Focus on what you do have, learn to love and appreciate that. You definitely need some self-love, too.
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  #5  
Old 27-02-2018, 08:23 AM
imawonderer imawonderer is offline
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Yes that its true I should be more patient I do know and I do know I should wait and not force things.

In addition I started to think there is something wrong with me because guys always wanted to rush things and I wanted to wait much longer, so thought oh maybe I will give it a go.
I feel like this situation was perfect example of why I have a wall up incase I open up and show myself and put my feelings out there and then pretty much got dumped.

I always done that with past relationships blamed myself even if its not my fault because I just got blamed and I try to be understanding even if they make me feel bad about about myself.

Also he wanted this so bad and told me how perfect iam and so on and thought oh maybe he will value me and ill give in a chance cause usually I would be like its too soon.. but he was so sure and eager thought he will not mess up and won't be like that. and was saying how "perfect" iam and so I thought he valued me

to be honest it also confused me after all the promises it was so easy to throw it away and walk away for him because I wouldn't of done that. and when I texted him asking "could you please just answer me are we over yes or no" just to be clear he couldn't answer it and that frustrated me because I would not be like that in a situation and I consider other people..it is not difficult just to say yes we are over. he's just so hurt over something I didn't know about (sorry for the rant)

Last edited by imawonderer : 27-02-2018 at 10:26 AM.
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  #6  
Old 27-02-2018, 09:19 AM
Lorelyen Lorelyen is offline
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There's nothing wrong with you. Nothing is your fault.

You have your hopes, other people have theirs. It doesn't even matter if you have a wall up. (I know about walls. I have them and they're made of pre-stressed concrete, some would say!) You meet someone you like and...get to know each other.

But quite honestly, someone coming out with "I'm gonna make you fall in love with me," is over-the-top. Sounds nice and romantic in an oblique, controlling way - but you ask yourself "do I want him to make me love him? What can he bring to my life? What can I give to his? Do I want him to love me back?"

A week is very short to believe yourself in love. It can happen. I do believe in love at first sight. But it doesn't turn into what's happened between you so quickly. If it's been intimate there might be cries of love but it's so often the intimacy that's loved, not the person. Most people can't possibly get to know someone in a week.

So nothing is your fault...as yet. But you own your emotions and if you persist and end up disappointed, that will be your fault. You need to make a decision now - is he worth it?

Of course we only hear one side of the story here but he sounds a difficult person to get on with. Pretty dodgy. If some bloke said to me "I'm going to make you love me" my sense of mischief would light up and I'd probably say something like "But can you afford me?" or some other jokey thing before telling him it doesn't work like that.

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Old 27-02-2018, 10:50 AM
imawonderer imawonderer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorelyen
There's nothing wrong with you. Nothing is your fault.

You have your hopes, other people have theirs. It doesn't even matter if you have a wall up. (I know about walls. I have them and they're made of pre-stressed concrete, some would say!) You meet someone you like and...get to know each other.

But quite honestly, someone coming out with "I'm gonna make you fall in love with me," is over-the-top. Sounds nice and romantic in an oblique, controlling way - but you ask yourself "do I want him to make me love him? What can he bring to my life? What can I give to his? Do I want him to love me back?"

A week is very short to believe yourself in love. It can happen. I do believe in love at first sight. But it doesn't turn into what's happened between you so quickly. If it's been intimate there might be cries of love but it's so often the intimacy that's loved, not the person. Most people can't possibly get to know someone in a week.

So nothing is your fault...as yet. But you own your emotions and if you persist and end up disappointed, that will be your fault. You need to make a decision now - is he worth it?

Of course we only hear one side of the story here but he sounds a difficult person to get on with. Pretty dodgy. If some bloke said to me "I'm going to make you love me" my sense of mischief would light up and I'd probably say something like "But can you afford me?" or some other jokey thing before telling him it doesn't work like that.



to be honest I found it kind of cute but same time I was like no..

I just fall for people quite easily to be honest once I open up..

to be honest he doesn't even talk to me anymore..last message I sent him wishing him good luck with everything.. and I knew he won't reply..

yes I know you are hearing one side of a story and I'm not trying to bash him or anything because majority of time he did start conversation and was so loved up and I came out my shell bit by bit but not as affectionate as him considering its so soon.. so maybe needed to put in more effort but he knew how I felt about him
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Old 27-02-2018, 11:18 AM
A human Being A human Being is offline
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Lots of good advice from OEN and Lorelyen. As they say, it isn't your fault, he was uncommunicative when you did text him so you gave him space (did you explain this to him?), which seems perfectly reasonable in the circumstances, but he took it the wrong way and an issue got triggered in him - those old wounds from when he was cheated on, presumably. Just bear in mind, that is ultimately his issue and his responsibility, not yours, and by the same token it's important for you to take ownership of your issues, too, just as we all ultimately have to if we want to find peace within ourselves (and we all have issues, so there's no shame in it). So give your attention to what you're feeling, rather than getting lost in mental stories about the rights and wrongs of the situation - it can be a heck of a lot easier said than done, I know! - and just let yourself feel what you're feeling, and have compassion for yourself, because you deserve that

As for the walls you put up, what's great is that you recognise that you are putting up walls - pretty much all of us do, but not all of us realise we're doing it. And it's completely understandable that we do so, we got hurt when we were young and vulnerable and naturally we don't want to experience that again, so we put those protections in place to try and avoid a repeat. The only problem is that those very walls prevent us from experiencing real intimacy, both within ourselves and with others, and so if we want to experience that we need to allow those walls to drop. What that means in practice is that you have to feel into the wall when you sense that it's gone up, and then relax and feel the fear that it's made out of - it can be quite challenging at first and the fear can even heighten as you become aware of it, but the key is to not resist what you're feeling.

And just remember - you're not to blame
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Old 27-02-2018, 12:07 PM
imawonderer imawonderer is offline
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Originally Posted by A human Being
Lots of good advice from OEN and Lorelyen. As they say, it isn't your fault, he was uncommunicative when you did text him so you gave him space (did you explain this to him?), which seems perfectly reasonable in the circumstances, but he took it the wrong way and an issue got triggered in him - those old wounds from when he was cheated on, presumably. Just bear in mind, that is ultimately his issue and his responsibility, not yours, and by the same token it's important for you to take ownership of your issues, too, just as we all ultimately have to if we want to find peace within ourselves (and we all have issues, so there's no shame in it). So give your attention to what you're feeling, rather than getting lost in mental stories about the rights and wrongs of the situation - it can be a heck of a lot easier said than done, I know! - and just let yourself feel what you're feeling, and have compassion for yourself, because you deserve that

As for the walls you put up, what's great is that you recognise that you are putting up walls - pretty much all of us do, but not all of us realise we're doing it. And it's completely understandable that we do so, we got hurt when we were young and vulnerable and naturally we don't want to experience that again, so we put those protections in place to try and avoid a repeat. The only problem is that those very walls prevent us from experiencing real intimacy, both within ourselves and with others, and so if we want to experience that we need to allow those walls to drop. What that means in practice is that you have to feel into the wall when you sense that it's gone up, and then relax and feel the fear that it's made out of - it can be quite challenging at first and the fear can even heighten as you become aware of it, but the key is to not resist what you're feeling.

And just remember - you're not to blame


I do take blame on my behalf I know I'm not innocent and I probably should of given him attention instead of space because thats what he wanted and when I approached the situation wasn't the right way because I asked my friend to follow him to see and once he accepted the follow request and followed her it set me off like what is he doing when I sent him a text and he didn't reply.. so I was saying things like "are you being serious right now" "*** are you doing" and I snapped not gonna lie. and thats how it all started and thats when he told me he was in hospital but I didn't know and apologised like billion times yet barely to get any reply..

and thank you so much for your advice I truly appreciate it xx
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Old 27-02-2018, 03:09 PM
A human Being A human Being is offline
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Originally Posted by imawonderer
I do take blame on my behalf I know I'm not innocent and I probably should of given him attention instead of space because thats what he wanted and when I approached the situation wasn't the right way because I asked my friend to follow him to see and once he accepted the follow request and followed her it set me off like what is he doing when I sent him a text and he didn't reply.. so I was saying things like "are you being serious right now" "*** are you doing" and I snapped not gonna lie. and thats how it all started and thats when he told me he was in hospital but I didn't know and apologised like billion times yet barely to get any reply..

and thank you so much for your advice I truly appreciate it xx
You're welcome

It's good that you can see that you made some errors in judgment - we all do it, we're only human after all. What's important, I think, is to understand exactly why you behaved as you did, why you chose to give him space rather than continue to message him. Were you afraid of upsetting and potentially alienating him by not giving him the space you thought he needed, maybe? And what exactly caused you to snap when he didn't reply to your texts? Obviously you felt angry, but what was at the root of that anger?

I'll stop there because I don't want to make this feel like an interrogation, and of course you don't have to answer if you'd rather not, but I think these are important questions to consider so that you can understand what's really going on inside, why you acted as you did - bearing in mind that it's on the level of emotion that you'll find the answers, not the level of mind.
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