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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #11  
Old 26-02-2018, 04:27 PM
A human Being A human Being is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Well, I suppose I come over a bit bolshy but I reckon she should bite the bullet and next time she finds him messaging this old flame (a new twist on the Old Flame Theory...carry around some litmus paper!) - she should simply say, "I see you're talking to that girl again. I hope therefore you don't mind me resurrecting some of the men friends you asked me to delete when we got together."

Get straight to it. No prevarication, no hand-wringing, no histrionics. If he says "No, you can't." she knows what she has to do. However, he might just say, "Oh ok, why not?" in which case she knows what she might have to do.
I mean, the bloke is hardly a spring chicken. He should be capable of getting a grip at his age or face a break in trust and... well, for me, that would be that.
.
You, bolshy? Never, Lorelyen!

What you're advocating here sounds rather passive-aggressive, a round-about way of saying, 'You're being a hypocrite'. As I say, for me the healthy thing to do would be to tell the guy how you feel about the situation, because as you say it's not like he isn't old enough to know better and the OP is within her rights to feel upset because his behaviour is insensitive (not to mention hypocritical - I'd be besides myself, given his previous request that she delete her male contacts) - even if he doesn't have designs on this woman, the least the OP deserves is an explanation. I question whether I'd even want to be in a relationship with someone who would treat me that way, in truth.
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  #12  
Old 26-02-2018, 04:30 PM
Nature Grows Nature Grows is offline
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Oh man, what happen to the other half of my post.... i can't be bothered writing it up again....
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  #13  
Old 26-02-2018, 04:31 PM
olhosdeamendoa olhosdeamendoa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by A human Being
I question whether I'd even want to be in relationship with someone who would treat me that way, in truth.

Anyone who has self-respect and healthy boundaries would never never accept to be in this kind of relationship.

Actually, to me, that is not even a relationship. In a relationship there is respect, love, care, trust.

This one here is merely a toxic situation that makes me sick to my stomach. But sometimes in life we have to be in situations where we break our head open in order to learn to love ourselves.
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  #14  
Old 26-02-2018, 04:31 PM
A human Being A human Being is offline
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Originally Posted by OEN34
Agree.

I'd probably also subtly remind him that he was controlling towards you back in the day by demanding all male friends were refrained from being contacted and ask him what his thoughts are on this.

Ultimately, there's a reason he's speaking to her, and that needs investigating and dealing with appropriately, IMO.
Agreed on both points, the OP is perfectly within her rights to feel aggrieved, imo, particularly given that the guy made her delete her male contacts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by olhosdeamendoa
Anyone who has self-respect and healthy boundaries would never never accept to be in this kind of relationship.

Actually, to me, that is not even a relationship. In a relationship there is respect, love, care, trust.

This one here is merely a toxic situation that makes me sick to my stomach. But sometimes in life we have to be in situations where you break our head open in order to learn to love ourselves.
Yep, agree entirely.
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  #15  
Old 26-02-2018, 05:02 PM
Lorelyen Lorelyen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by A human Being
You, bolshy? Never, Lorelyen!

What you're advocating here sounds rather passive-aggressive,
A What???
Quote:
a round-about way of saying, 'You're being a hypocrite'.
Ah, I get it now. Except it needn't get to that. It's about a change of (in this case) explicit ground rules. She'd be saying "If you can do this so can I. Put in a First Amendment to our agreement or if not, get rid of her." sort of.
Quote:
As I say, for me the healthy thing to do would be to tell the guy how you feel about the situation, because as you say it's not like he isn't old enough to know better and the OP is within her rights to feel upset because his behaviour is insensitive (not to mention hypocritical - I'd be besides myself, given his previous request that she delete her male contacts) - even if he doesn't have designs on this woman, the least the OP deserves is an explanation. I question whether I'd even want to be in a relationship with someone who would treat me that way, in truth.
Ok, I'll do a Michael Winner and tell myself to calm down dear, it's only a mouse. Yes, it makes sense. I recognise her upset because somehow she found out that this Old Flame proclaimed her ongoing love. She doesn't say how but the "making moves on him" tells that somehow he communicated that to her. Maybe not verbally.

I mean, blimey, after 50 years? I mean, that's pushy-aggressive surely? The Old Flame Theory has it than an asbestos topcoat would be useful now. How easy it'll be depends on things like who got in touch with who first, and why? Just happened to be in town? Picked up an old photo and decided to search online? Point is, she does need to nip this in the bud toute suite. It could be quite innocent - but then suspicion has a habit of gnawing away if allowed to fester...

Cheers.
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  #16  
Old 26-02-2018, 05:22 PM
Lorelyen Lorelyen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by olhosdeamendoa
Anyone who has self-respect and healthy boundaries would never never accept to be in this kind of relationship.

Actually, to me, that is not even a relationship. In a relationship there is respect, love, care, trust.

This one here is merely a toxic situation that makes me sick to my stomach. But sometimes in life we have to be in situations where we break our head open in order to learn to love ourselves.

Best not to go on the Twin Flames section then. With monotonous regularity you'll read of some woman fancying a married bloke (often someone she encountered in the workplace), whips out her twin flame flag and sets out to seduce him on the most tenuous of spiritual excuses . They buzz off somewhere, have it away - you know what some men are like: always greener on the other side - then it all falls apart and said women come here to seek solace, sympathy and succour, blaming the man for running away. "What's wrong with him," they cry. "Oh, it's his fear," come the replies! Why they do it is anyone's guess.

Who knows if this topic isn't along those lines?
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  #17  
Old 26-02-2018, 06:07 PM
Nature Grows Nature Grows is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by olhosdeamendoa
To me the simple fact that he IS talking to her when she clearly stated she got feelings for him, says it all.

Maybe, you know what, once on this website i was talking to some lady who has multiple partners, ummm what is that called again? anyway she said if her partner says they have feelings for another person or she does they tell each other and talk about it instead of suppressing, dismissing it and hiding it, they look at it, there is no judgement involved as in it's bad, and they just discuss what to do about this if anything, she said sometimes talking about it was enough, it was just more to acknowledge what is arising honestly.

I still remember that convo with her, it's some where on this website.

There is also a three way couple i know of in real life, two women, one man and they have three kids. They live out in the forest together and have a cool house, growing food and stuff.
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  #18  
Old 26-02-2018, 07:30 PM
A human Being A human Being is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorelyen
Ah, I get it now. Except it needn't get to that. It's about a change of (in this case) explicit ground rules. She'd be saying "If you can do this so can I. Put in a First Amendment to our agreement or if not, get rid of her." sort of.
Right, I get you - fair to say we have different ways of going about these things I guess it depends on where a suggestion like that is coming from, if it's a sincere suggestion RE the merits of an open relationship then fair enough (I guess?), but if it's coming from a place of wounded ego and, 'Two can play at that game, buddy-boy!' then I think it'd be better to simply express how you actually feel. As others have said, them's shaky foundations on which your relationship stands if you can't simply be honest about how you feel.
Quote:
Ok, I'll do a Michael Winner and tell myself to calm down dear, it's only a mouse. Yes, it makes sense. I recognise her upset because somehow she found out that this Old Flame proclaimed her ongoing love. She doesn't say how but the "making moves on him" tells that somehow he communicated that to her. Maybe not verbally.

I mean, blimey, after 50 years? I mean, that's pushy-aggressive surely? The Old Flame Theory has it than an asbestos topcoat would be useful now. How easy it'll be depends on things like who got in touch with who first, and why? Just happened to be in town? Picked up an old photo and decided to search online? Point is, she does need to nip this in the bud toute suite. It could be quite innocent - but then suspicion has a habit of gnawing away if allowed to fester...

Cheers.
Fair to say the alarm bells would be ringing to an ear-piercing pitch if I was in that situation, yeah :o As I say, the OP deserves an explanation, whatever the case may be. I mean Jeeesus wept, just how much of an insensitive dolt is this guy?*

Cheers to you, too

*Did that sound judgmental? Yeah all right, maybe... but I mean, really!
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  #19  
Old 26-02-2018, 08:01 PM
olhosdeamendoa olhosdeamendoa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nature Grows
Maybe, you know what, once on this website i was talking to some lady who has multiple partners, ummm what is that called again? anyway she said if her partner says they have feelings for another person or she does they tell each other and talk about it instead of suppressing, dismissing it and hiding it, they look at it, there is no judgement involved as in it's bad, and they just discuss what to do about this if anything, she said sometimes talking about it was enough, it was just more to acknowledge what is arising honestly.

I still remember that convo with her, it's some where on this website.

There is also a three way couple i know of in real life, two women, one man and they have three kids. They live out in the forest together and have a cool house, growing food and stuff.

Doesn't seem to be the case of the OP in this thread.
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  #20  
Old 26-02-2018, 08:02 PM
olhosdeamendoa olhosdeamendoa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorelyen
Best not to go on the Twin Flames section then. With monotonous regularity you'll read of some woman fancying a married bloke (often someone she encountered in the workplace), whips out her twin flame flag and sets out to seduce him on the most tenuous of spiritual excuses . They buzz off somewhere, have it away - you know what some men are like: always greener on the other side - then it all falls apart and said women come here to seek solace, sympathy and succour, blaming the man for running away. "What's wrong with him," they cry. "Oh, it's his fear," come the replies! Why they do it is anyone's guess.

Who knows if this topic isn't along those lines?

I guess what I meant was that maybe they are aligned with each other in whatever that is that is going on between them.

Clearly the OP is not aligned with that kind of sh**, otherwise she wouldn't be here questioning it.
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