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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #11  
Old 20-02-2018, 01:08 PM
angelic star angelic star is offline
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Sometimes it's good to be polite while asking questions of personal nature and consider if they wont mind answering them and giving them the freedom about it. On a first date people rather just enjoy a connection and explore a connection. You cannot possibly build a future outcome or decide if it's meant to be, in a few hours on a first date. Maybe one should observe, be patient and let the other person be as well. If time permits and the connection is strong they would likely open up and things would be clear. It's rather a process and we are not in a hurry.
In other words if someone was very curious, and took it personally if they do not get the answers too quickly, it can be either of two things in my opinion. Either the person is impatient and isn't very mature or the person is just being rude. Curiosity kills the cat, and well people want answers all too soon, but sometimes something, even the small ones are too strong to be noticeable enough and a deciding factor for something long term. People should have the freedom to talk about things when they want to and feel okay to.
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  #12  
Old 20-02-2018, 01:20 PM
Blue Tiger Blue Tiger is offline
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This was a first date. Remember that. You're just barely getting to know this guy and you're asking some very personal questions.

If someone asked me questions like that on a first date, I'd likely change the subject or deflect the question. That's what he did when he said "yes I've never had children."

Sounds to me like you hit a touchy subject or came off as prying. What was he supposed to say? "I'm sterile" or "it just never happened for us?" This is a get-acquainted date, and pushing for deeply personal information just seems aggressive.

Now if the conversation just naturally flowed into a topic like that, it's an entirely different situation. But there still might be questions that simply make him wary and uncomfortable.

If his tattoo bothers you that much, don't pursue the relationship. If something like that bugs you now it might well totally tick you off over time. Just my opinion, but irritations most often magnify over time, or when you're angry.

I'd suggest pulling back and lightening up. Ask questions about the music he loves or his favorite movies. Ask what team he roots for. Be friendly and casual. And accept him as who he is. That's the only kind thing to do.
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  #13  
Old 20-02-2018, 01:58 PM
olhosdeamendoa olhosdeamendoa is offline
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Thank you everyone for your answers!

Just to clarify, I didn't ask the question about having children in a kind of "interrogation/interview" thing.

We were having such a nice time together, and I genuinely was interested on knowing more of him, and I just asked, naturally.

As soon as I saw that he deflected and didn't want to respond, I didn't insist and we changed subject and continued to have a great date and conversation.

So yes I noticed that I hit a sensitive topic for him, maybe one he hasn't resolved yet with himself, but that's really none of my business you're right, that's why I didn't insist and changed subject.

I'm just a different person I guess, I'm very open about anything and I have dealt and healed my own main issues, so nowadays there's nothing I wouldn't answer or say about me.

I am a deep person, and sometimes I have a hard time to keep up with casual conversations, especially if I'm enjoying my time and want to know the person better.

But yes, we're all different and it was a first date.

I do feel a good connection with this guy, and I had a great time with him, so I'm going on a second date and let's see what happens.
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  #14  
Old 20-02-2018, 02:04 PM
Blue Tiger Blue Tiger is offline
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Good for you! I hope the second date is wonderful. Chances are he'll open up gradually, but for now just enjoy being with him :)
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  #15  
Old 20-02-2018, 02:49 PM
olhosdeamendoa olhosdeamendoa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue Tiger
Good for you! I hope the second date is wonderful. Chances are he'll open up gradually, but for now just enjoy being with him :)

Yes it might be that. I am open in talking about myself, but I do have boundaries for example in regards to having sex. I can only open to that after I build an emotional connection with the other person and I know them well. Maybe for him is the same but in regards of talking about certain issues.

Well, I believe everything and everyone is a spiritual learning experience, so let's see what happens.
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  #16  
Old 20-02-2018, 05:38 PM
A human Being A human Being is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorelyen
Very possibly, but here we're talking about a first date. "Why do you have such views?" Or why is your life like it is? etc., are to me a sign. Just a sign. Some penetrating questions may be justified - it really depends on the question and context hence some pondering may be needed.

Some questions basically let the date unroll. But if someone asked on a first date "How come you have no children?" My eyebrows would raise.
Was your comment about 'Why?' questions in relation to first dates specifically? Apologies if so, I thought you were speaking more generally - and yeah you're right, in that context I'd only speak about more personal subjects (as in the one the OP mentioned) if the other person broached the subject first.
Quote:
Sure, they are plenty of times when "Why?" and other questions seem appropriate but again, one doesn't want a first date to turn into as you say, an interrogation. I love it that people be as they are, their emotional quirks will show sooner or later... if you can read the signs! If it's shaped like a V I'd have a good laugh and give him extra Brownie points!

I mean, so much can be detected through changes in facial expression as the chat wanders here and there! Facial expression is the first thing to indicate emotional reactions, wired in as they are.
Ah now that's where we're different I guess, I'd go straight for the jugular - 'Why did you squeeze the ketchup such-wise? You've got daddy issues, haven't you? I demand answers, woman!' *bangs fists on the table*

No okay, I'm jesting, I agree that it's best to keep it light-hearted at first, be friendly, polite, respectful (and, in my case, utterly delightful - no I'm lying again :p). A lot depends on how open the two people are, I think, I'm not a big one for lengthy preliminaries and small-talk if I'm being honest.
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  #17  
Old 20-02-2018, 06:13 PM
olhosdeamendoa olhosdeamendoa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by A human Being
A lot depends on how open the two people are, I think, I'm not a big one for lengthy preliminaries and small-talk if I'm being honest.

Yes! That's it!

I am quite an open person, so asking questions come naturally to me, because I am open to respond to them as well.

I hate small talk, and especially when you are trying to know someone. Small talk is fine for a while, and banter, etc, but... we were there for over 3 hours!

It gets to a point where I really want to go a bit deeper and know more about the person rather than just what is their favourite food and music.

But, again, we're all different and I have to accept that other people are different.

I'm going on another date with him, and maybe another and another if we both want to, but I do hope he starts to open up after a while, otherwise it will show he's not ready for a relationship beyond the superficial.
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  #18  
Old 20-02-2018, 07:13 PM
Nature Grows Nature Grows is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by olhosdeamendoa
Thank you everyone for your answers!
Your welcome olhosdeamendoa.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorelyen
Awww, you've got me wrong. The word you're looking for is "awful".
Ok, ok awfully awesome i get it...
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  #19  
Old 21-02-2018, 10:45 AM
A human Being A human Being is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by olhosdeamendoa
Yes! That's it!

I am quite an open person, so asking questions come naturally to me, because I am open to respond to them as well.

I hate small talk, and especially when you are trying to know someone. Small talk is fine for a while, and banter, etc, but... we were there for over 3 hours!

It gets to a point where I really want to go a bit deeper and know more about the person rather than just what is their favourite food and music.

But, again, we're all different and I have to accept that other people are different.
Right, I'm the same way - small talk has its place, I think, in helping to create a civil and relatively harmonious environment, but for me it's a necessary evil in a culture that's afraid of real intimacy (whilst simultaneously yearning for it, on a deeper level). It's tolerable in small doses, but if I'm going to spend any length of time around others I really want to establish a deeper connection rather than perpetually skate on the surface of life, I'd honestly rather be alone than endure that sort of interaction for longer than a few minutes at a time because it just feels inauthentic, ultimately. At the same time I know many people aren't comfortable with going deeper, as you say, and that's fine, I understand their fear because I've felt it myself.
Quote:
I'm going on another date with him, and maybe another and another if we both want to, but I do hope he starts to open up after a while, otherwise it will show he's not ready for a relationship beyond the superficial.
Hope it goes well
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  #20  
Old 21-02-2018, 03:54 PM
olhosdeamendoa olhosdeamendoa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by A human Being
Right, I'm the same way - small talk has its place, I think, in helping to create a civil and relatively harmonious environment, but for me it's a necessary evil in a culture that's afraid of real intimacy (whilst simultaneously yearning for it, on a deeper level). It's tolerable in small doses, but if I'm going to spend any length of time around others I really want to establish a deeper connection rather than perpetually skate on the surface of life, I'd honestly rather be alone than endure that sort of interaction for longer than a few minutes at a time because it just feels inauthentic, ultimately. At the same time I know many people aren't comfortable with going deeper, as you say, and that's fine, I understand their fear because I've felt it myself.

Hope it goes well

Yes, same here. I tolerate small talk on a first date and to a certain extent. But after a while I'm feeling like "I'm sorry but can we go deeper than this and REALLY get to know each other or are you closed off to that?".

That's why I am going on a second date with him, but if it is the same again (just superficial talk and avoiding certain questions), I'll question if I want to see him again.

I'm a deep person and I want to go deep in a relationship, so of course I need a partner who is open to that and wants the same.
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