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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Signs & Synchronicities

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  #11  
Old 14-02-2018, 09:29 AM
OEN34 OEN34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow.sprinkles
that's the funny thing, by the time we'd broken up the connection was long gone. it re-kindled as a result of him changing and us finding a way to actually communicate effectively and be kind to one another again after nearly 2 years of just being terrible to each other. it feels like we're both different people now so in a way it's brand new, but also with that familiarity and comfort of having been through so much together.

I wish I could remove my emotions from the situation, there would be zero problem. I don't see how I can though.

yes I've tried to tell myself that it means this is the thing that was meant to happen and you're probably right but I'm frustrated because why did the universe allow me to get so emotionally attached all over again just to have it ripped away again and put me through losing that future of being a real family with him and his son all over again? it feels cruel.

it just felt like there was nothing else I could do. I've worked hard lately to act in ways that are in line with the version of myself I'd most like to be instead of just giving in to my knee-jerk reactions of trying to get my own needs met. he said originally that if I said I didn't want him dating her that he would stop it then and there but who would I be to come out and say that? I don't want to be that person. the fact that I told him how it would make me feel and he made the decision he did in spite of saying he would stop seeing her to salvage our friendship seems to speak volumes.

I have major psychological issues around abandonment and rejection and all that. him and I both do, it's one of the biggest things we have in common. I've dealt with it all for the most part, I've been on my own path of recovery from mental illness for years and years already. I mean the fact that I dealt with the situation fairly gracefully speaks volumes to how much I've grown from what I once would have said and done in this situation lol.

I do plan to pull back a little bit, and I'm sure he expects it.

thank you for the kind and thoughtful response, it's appreciated.

Many people split up then attempt to rekindle as there's an attachment there to that person, emotionally, psychologically and physically. You have a bond so it is as you say familiar, and you're also in your comfort zone with one another not having to start the process again with pastures new.

Telling yourself you can't remove emotions from the situation is always going to allow them to remain. The Universe didn't tell you to connect emotionally, either. This was a conscious choice you made. You became attached and as a result had expectations of a family unit.

Attachments and expectations can leave someone's world completely shattered, I have seen it time and time again and it isn't pleasant. I'm not saying shut down and close the door away from the world (and him) as that is the wrong thing to do and will not release emotions. It takes time and work - a lot of inner work. Learn acceptance and forgiveness, this will definitely help. Self love, too. This is huge.

You're right; it isn't for you to steer his ship and tell him what he can and cannot do, so you accepted that and made the right choice in saying that, so fair play to you. But, following up by saying you told him how it would make you feel obviously isn't genuine acceptance and is an attempt to make him feel guilty, whether you are consciously aware of that or not.

A situation or person cannot or does not make you feel anything, it is your choice to react that way. I don't mean to sound harsh here, I'm trying to remove this veil you have on as you're feeling sorry for yourself and you aren't this person, you're more than this and you know it.

My advice (for what it's worth) would be to tell him you need space and to focus on you, while he does his thing. Remaining in contact probably won't benefit you both right now and whatever happens in the future, happens.

So, no more pity party's, no more self-sabotaging talks and no ill feelings towards this chap. A core thing that needs working on is your attachment to others or situations, which is a fear of loss and abandonment. Heal yourself and watch how much you flourish. And yes, keep giving yourself a pat on the back for how much progress you have already made! Be delicate on yourself.

A better you is not far away, and a relationship that is in alignment with this new you is on its way, too.

Best wishes.
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  #12  
Old 14-02-2018, 03:04 PM
Dan_SF Dan_SF is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow.sprinkles
I honestly have no idea how to do that.

Its simple.

Close your eyes. Recall a time when you were happy.

Pretend as if it is still now. If you have a thing, event or person in your memory, stop thinking about it, but keep and concentrate on the feeling alone.

Keep it as long as possible, try to get to 1 minute and 20 seconds at least. Do not concentrate on time, it is unimportant.

Repeat every night and day.
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God is Love, and therefore so am I. What is not of God, has no power to do anything.

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  #13  
Old 14-02-2018, 11:07 PM
rainbow.sprinkles rainbow.sprinkles is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OEN34
Many people split up then attempt to rekindle as there's an attachment there to that person, emotionally, psychologically and physically. You have a bond so it is as you say familiar, and you're also in your comfort zone with one another not having to start the process again with pastures new.

Telling yourself you can't remove emotions from the situation is always going to allow them to remain. The Universe didn't tell you to connect emotionally, either. This was a conscious choice you made. You became attached and as a result had expectations of a family unit.

Attachments and expectations can leave someone's world completely shattered, I have seen it time and time again and it isn't pleasant. I'm not saying shut down and close the door away from the world (and him) as that is the wrong thing to do and will not release emotions. It takes time and work - a lot of inner work. Learn acceptance and forgiveness, this will definitely help. Self love, too. This is huge.

You're right; it isn't for you to steer his ship and tell him what he can and cannot do, so you accepted that and made the right choice in saying that, so fair play to you. But, following up by saying you told him how it would make you feel obviously isn't genuine acceptance and is an attempt to make him feel guilty, whether you are consciously aware of that or not.

A situation or person cannot or does not make you feel anything, it is your choice to react that way. I don't mean to sound harsh here, I'm trying to remove this veil you have on as you're feeling sorry for yourself and you aren't this person, you're more than this and you know it.

My advice (for what it's worth) would be to tell him you need space and to focus on you, while he does his thing. Remaining in contact probably won't benefit you both right now and whatever happens in the future, happens.

So, no more pity party's, no more self-sabotaging talks and no ill feelings towards this chap. A core thing that needs working on is your attachment to others or situations, which is a fear of loss and abandonment. Heal yourself and watch how much you flourish. And yes, keep giving yourself a pat on the back for how much progress you have already made! Be delicate on yourself.

A better you is not far away, and a relationship that is in alignment with this new you is on its way, too.

Best wishes.

I get what you're saying about feelings but I have these feelings. I'm feeling them right now. that's a simple fact. I'm not going to push them down and ignore them, I believe in sitting with one's feelings. processing them, and moving through them given appropriate time.

I'm not sure I believe the feelings that developed were a conscious choice. does everyone in the universe choose to fall in love every time it happens? I just don't think so. I wouldn't say I had an expectation.... just a hope.

yeah obviously I'm not yet in a place of 100% acceptance. that would be an unreasonable expectation.

I agree that my feelings are my own responsibility. I say what you've said to me to people all the time. but that doesn't mean I can just flip a switch to change my feelings from sad to happy unfortunately.

I'm not going to cut him off, as he is my friend and I intend to continue to support him on his journey, not to mention being a big part of his son's life. he will always be in my life because I will never not be in his kid's life. him and his family are like family to me regardless of the particular label placed on our relationship.
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  #14  
Old 14-02-2018, 11:14 PM
rainbow.sprinkles rainbow.sprinkles is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dan_SF
Its simple.

Close your eyes. Recall a time when you were happy.

Pretend as if it is still now. If you have a thing, event or person in your memory, stop thinking about it, but keep and concentrate on the feeling alone.

Keep it as long as possible, try to get to 1 minute and 20 seconds at least. Do not concentrate on time, it is unimportant.

Repeat every night and day.

oh man... I have an extremely difficult time with emotion recall. I've wondered in the past if it's linked to that whole thing where people with borderline personality disorder have a hard time remembering that someone loves them when they're far away or not reassuring them of it. my past memories stand no chance against what's going on for me currently, at any given point in time.
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  #15  
Old 15-02-2018, 08:48 AM
OEN34 OEN34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow.sprinkles
I get what you're saying about feelings but I have these feelings. I'm feeling them right now. that's a simple fact. I'm not going to push them down and ignore them, I believe in sitting with one's feelings. processing them, and moving through them given appropriate time.

I'm not sure I believe the feelings that developed were a conscious choice. does everyone in the universe choose to fall in love every time it happens? I just don't think so. I wouldn't say I had an expectation.... just a hope.

yeah obviously I'm not yet in a place of 100% acceptance. that would be an unreasonable expectation.

I agree that my feelings are my own responsibility. I say what you've said to me to people all the time. but that doesn't mean I can just flip a switch to change my feelings from sad to happy unfortunately.

I'm not going to cut him off, as he is my friend and I intend to continue to support him on his journey, not to mention being a big part of his son's life. he will always be in my life because I will never not be in his kid's life. him and his family are like family to me regardless of the particular label placed on our relationship.

You're very defensive, and I know you're delicate at the moment, but my comments aren't intended to rustle your feathers otherwise I wouldn't reply.

No, don't ignore your feelings. I said this in my last reply. It's the worst thing a person can do, it serves no purpose, only adds to dismay.

Hope/expectation - doesn't matter, still equally disruptive in the circumstance. It's a very slippery slope resting hope on something as we then depend on an outcome, which is an expectation. We really use the word 'hope' so nonchalantly in life, and we don't ever stop to reason the emotional impact it can have, and I'm not referring to hope in a way that someone wants their sports team to win the next game.

Everything you replied with was followed with an excuse. If you say what I said to people all the time then start doing it. Nobody is saying block out feelings, nobody is saying don't feel sad - allow these things, but don't let them be a part of your identity. There has to be a cut off point somewhere.

Well, if you decide to stay in touch with him and you know it is causing an impact on you emotionally that he's with another girl, then that is your choice, but know that this approach will bring some discomfort, which is actually a good thing. You just don't want to be complaining about it. Stay in touch and learn to feel the discomfort with him and don't complain, or have some alone time for a bit, get the focus on healing yourself with a view to speaking to him in the not too distant future.

You can't have it both ways.

Best of luck to you
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  #16  
Old 15-02-2018, 04:17 PM
Dan_SF Dan_SF is offline
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Quote:
Nobody is saying block out feelings, nobody is saying don't feel sad - allow these things, but don't let them be a part of your identity.

I can only agree to this. At least you can recognize that sadness is not what you like and take a baby step into choosing neutral feeling. When you reach neutral feeling, then take the next baby step into feeling better, and better and better and better and better and better.

It is ok if you do not want to do the exercises which i have suggested. But when you want to feel better, then you can search youtube for "Abraham Ester Hicks" and watch all of her videos there.

The other suggestion is to download an ebook and to read it. Search Google for "Napoleon Hill Think And Grow Rich PDF download".
While reading it over and over again, each time, be determined to find healing of your mind or anything what you desire.
Keep reading it over and over again. Each day a bit. For the next 2~3 months at least. And when you see the changes, keep reading it more and more.

Anyway: Good Luck.
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God is Love, and therefore so am I. What is not of God, has no power to do anything.

emu.zone now with Desktop mates
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  #17  
Old 15-02-2018, 04:38 PM
Lynn Lynn is offline
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Hello

I would take a step back and see "yourself" as the whole and see what you need from life as an individual. If we are not whole and individual in our being in what we do for us, then when someone comes in often we simply take on their baggage and our life stalls.

We live a life feeling that we need another to make us whole but we are already whole as one being. We need that someone that compliments our path.

I look to 11 11 and to the aspects of it spiritual numbers long before an event that now seems to define them. We all had our individual feelings around that day and still at times do. The most important thing is that it might finally have been put to bed, and we can move forwards.

The lessons there are that we do move forwards life does go on. We have to choose to let that life go on. To pull up our pants and know that we are the only body in those pants.

Many times we feel that we can take on the "I can save them" role in life, trust me I did 33 years in a relationship of that, its a path that I lived and grew in, but its not one I would wish on anyone as a path. Your a strong individual and you owe yourself the best first then adding someone to that experience that will not just take the life energy from you.

Lynn
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  #18  
Old 15-02-2018, 05:28 PM
rainbow.sprinkles rainbow.sprinkles is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OEN34
You're very defensive, and I know you're delicate at the moment, but my comments aren't intended to rustle your feathers otherwise I wouldn't reply.

No, don't ignore your feelings. I said this in my last reply. It's the worst thing a person can do, it serves no purpose, only adds to dismay.

Hope/expectation - doesn't matter, still equally disruptive in the circumstance. It's a very slippery slope resting hope on something as we then depend on an outcome, which is an expectation. We really use the word 'hope' so nonchalantly in life, and we don't ever stop to reason the emotional impact it can have, and I'm not referring to hope in a way that someone wants their sports team to win the next game.

Everything you replied with was followed with an excuse. If you say what I said to people all the time then start doing it. Nobody is saying block out feelings, nobody is saying don't feel sad - allow these things, but don't let them be a part of your identity. There has to be a cut off point somewhere.

Well, if you decide to stay in touch with him and you know it is causing an impact on you emotionally that he's with another girl, then that is your choice, but know that this approach will bring some discomfort, which is actually a good thing. You just don't want to be complaining about it. Stay in touch and learn to feel the discomfort with him and don't complain, or have some alone time for a bit, get the focus on healing yourself with a view to speaking to him in the not too distant future.

You can't have it both ways.

Best of luck to you

I didn't intend to come across as defensive, but I suppose I was feeling frustrated. All of this had literally JUST happened when I posted the first time, and I really needed to just let myself be miserable and pathetic and unskillful for a couple days so being faced with having to do the reasonable, logical, skillful thing so soon made me defensive, I suppose.

I bathed myself last night which is a step in the right direction, haha, and today I intend on getting dressed and going outside and following through on my commitment to a volunteering shift.

cutting him off would greatly affect my relationship with his son, and that would be FAR more heartbreaking than the discomfort I feel about seeing him with another girl again. and as you say, living with that could be a good thing, so there you go.

I really do appreciate your posts, I'm sorry if it seemed like I was pooping on all your advice :)
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  #19  
Old 15-02-2018, 05:32 PM
rainbow.sprinkles rainbow.sprinkles is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Vancouver Island, BC, Canada
Posts: 1,427
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dan_SF
I can only agree to this. At least you can recognize that sadness is not what you like and take a baby step into choosing neutral feeling. When you reach neutral feeling, then take the next baby step into feeling better, and better and better and better and better and better.

It is ok if you do not want to do the exercises which i have suggested. But when you want to feel better, then you can search youtube for "Abraham Ester Hicks" and watch all of her videos there.

The other suggestion is to download an ebook and to read it. Search Google for "Napoleon Hill Think And Grow Rich PDF download".
While reading it over and over again, each time, be determined to find healing of your mind or anything what you desire.
Keep reading it over and over again. Each day a bit. For the next 2~3 months at least. And when you see the changes, keep reading it more and more.

Anyway: Good Luck.

I like the way you present it as baby steps rather than leaping from misery into happiness. that's much easier to process.

it's not that I don't want it it's just I'm very aware of my difficulty with emotion recall. I've found time and time again in my life that it's extremely challenging for me to even remember that things can feel differently than however they currently feel. currently stuck in a relationship with no connection and joy? I will be disconnected and miserable FOREVER. currently not experiencing attraction and desire? I will go through life lukewarm FOREVER. it sounds ridiculous but that's life with BPD, lol. maybe I should attempt to exercise that muscle though and see if I can improve my ability there.

thanks for the recommendations :)
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  #20  
Old 15-02-2018, 05:43 PM
rainbow.sprinkles rainbow.sprinkles is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Vancouver Island, BC, Canada
Posts: 1,427
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lynn
Hello

I would take a step back and see "yourself" as the whole and see what you need from life as an individual. If we are not whole and individual in our being in what we do for us, then when someone comes in often we simply take on their baggage and our life stalls.

We live a life feeling that we need another to make us whole but we are already whole as one being. We need that someone that compliments our path.

I look to 11 11 and to the aspects of it spiritual numbers long before an event that now seems to define them. We all had our individual feelings around that day and still at times do. The most important thing is that it might finally have been put to bed, and we can move forwards.

The lessons there are that we do move forwards life does go on. We have to choose to let that life go on. To pull up our pants and know that we are the only body in those pants.

Many times we feel that we can take on the "I can save them" role in life, trust me I did 33 years in a relationship of that, its a path that I lived and grew in, but its not one I would wish on anyone as a path. Your a strong individual and you owe yourself the best first then adding someone to that experience that will not just take the life energy from you.

Lynn

I was doing a pretty good job of focusing purely on myself for the months following the original breakup and me moving out. I've been on my own since May and have made the conscious choice to stay single on purpose because normally I do tend to define myself based on my relationships and I'd never spent any length of time utterly single as an adult. I definitely got wrapped back up in him and fell back into that old habit which isn't exactly surprising but yes I need to get back to myself again.

I'm a helper by nature and I've definitely had a habit of being attracted to men who need healing and it never works out well. I guess it thought it was safe to help a friend because it was supposed to be a different dynamic and I mean, what are friends for if not to support each other? I never expected to find myself having these kinds of feelings for him again.

I've been having some really negative thoughts about being a part of the catalyst for his positive change and then not even getting to enjoy the fruits of my labour - in essence, I fixed up someone who was terrible to me just so someone else could enjoy the new, better version of him. it's brought up feelings around an old abusive relationship I had with someone who was never abusive with anyone else the way he was with me. like, what does it say about me that people abuse me and generally treat me terribly, but then move on and treat other people better? what is it about me that brings out the absolute worst in people that no one else seems to be able to trigger?

it's REALLY hard to find a positive way of looking at that. I can't get past it mentally.
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