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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #1  
Old 23-01-2018, 06:25 AM
hellabomer hellabomer is offline
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Extreme pain and letting go?

Things have been quite hard. I found someone with whom I felt instantly connected. Both of us are on a spiritual path. I had hoped that things would be a little smooth as he appeared to a peaceful person. But he started pushing me away, and now, things have gotten down the drain. Despite confessing his feelings and expressing his desire to be closer to me, now he claims that he didn't mean any of his sweet words in that way. He has totally flipped within a few days. I am immensely in pain, as it took me a great strength to overcome my previous heartbreak and fall in love again. I don't know how to stop feeling unworthy of love and learn love myself. I constantly wonder if he has found someone better than me. Though deep down, I know that I have my own unique place. But it's getting really hard. I am in a depressed state and feel empty and unmotivated.
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  #2  
Old 23-01-2018, 07:50 AM
OEN34 OEN34 is offline
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Sorry to hear of your pain.

There could be various reasons why he is pushing you away. One could be he is experiencing a heavy period of the Dark Night Of The Soul in which layers of his old self (ego) is being shed so he is not thinking in a rational way. This has happened to me before and I backed off from contact with a person I was close to as I honestly felt insane.

Or, it could be he is coming from a place of fear, which again is the ego. Fear in that his ego is deeming him unworthy of happiness and love. This is quite common and a conditioned belief he may have been holding on to throughout all his life.

It has also happened to me before in the past too so I say it from first hand experience. At the time I was fearing rejection and abandonment from someone, and he may be fearing similar with you. He is subconsciously almost waiting for things to go wrong as this is his conditioned belief. He may or may not have meant his sweet words, but try not to keep going over that as it will serve no benefit, only add to your lack of self worth.

But, him suddenly flipping sounds as if he's fearing rejection or loss from you, so he's getting in there first. It is a very common sign, although I might be wrong.

In terms of you; well you sound as though you need some healing. I read a post yesterday on here by someone - can't remember who - may have been FairyCrystal or Inika, who said you will find it hard to heal AND be in a relationship where you can be completely you.

Also, remove the thought of him possibly meeting someone 'better' than you. There is nobody 'better' than anyone. Again, this is lack of self love - you're punishing yourself and you don't have any truth or fact in this at all.

Positive affirmations may help you here. Go within and start to heal and sit down and talk things through with your partner if he is wanting to do that, but ultimately it might be a sign that you need to focus on yourself right now.

We don't attract what we want, we attract what we are - I am a firm believer of that.
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  #3  
Old 23-01-2018, 08:05 AM
hellabomer hellabomer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OEN34
Sorry to hear of your pain.

There could be various reasons why he is pushing you away. One could be he is experiencing a heavy period of the Dark Night Of The Soul in which layers of his old self (ego) is being shed so he is not thinking in a rational way. This has happened to me before and I backed off from contact with a person I was close to as I honestly felt insane.

Or, it could be he is coming from a place of fear, which again is the ego. Fear in that his ego is deeming him unworthy of happiness and love. This is quite common and a conditioned belief he may have been holding on to throughout all his life.

It has also happened to me before in the past too so I say it from first hand experience. At the time I was fearing rejection and abandonment from someone, and he may be fearing similar with you. He is subconsciously almost waiting for things to go wrong as this is his conditioned belief. He may or may not have meant his sweet words, but try not to keep going over that as it will serve no benefit, only add to your lack of self worth.

But, him suddenly flipping sounds as if he's fearing rejection or loss from you, so he's getting in there first. It is a very common sign, although I might be wrong.

In terms of you; well you sound as though you need some healing. I read a post yesterday on here by someone - can't remember who - may have been FairyCrystal or Inika, who said you will find it hard to heal AND be in a relationship where you can be completely you.

Also, remove the thought of him possibly meeting someone 'better' than you. There is nobody 'better' than anyone. Again, this is lack of self love - you're punishing yourself and you don't have any truth or fact in this at all.

Positive affirmations may help you here. Go within and start to heal and sit down and talk things through with your partner if he is wanting to do that, but ultimately it might be a sign that you need to focus on yourself right now.

We don't attract what we want, we attract what we are - I am a firm believer of that.

Thank you for your kind response. He has some beliefs. He often stated that he is afraid to hurt me in any way, and that's why he maintains his distance. But now that he has been quite harsh and pulled away completely, I really don't know what to believe anymore. Simply because he still comes online often, talks to other people (could be girls) and here I am, feel utterly empty and lonely. So, I feel like he is doing alright now, and I could be wrong in feeling that he loved or cared about me. I don't know. Everything seems like a lie right now.

But a part of me is embracing this separation. Strangely, I do feel like I need it to heal myself and learn to love myself first.

I think I have always had a really hard time in giving love to myself. I deem my presence as worthless, and such rejection often reinforce the idea.

I just don't know from where to start this work of self-love, as positive affirmations ring empty in my ears right now.
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  #4  
Old 23-01-2018, 08:27 AM
Lorelyen Lorelyen is offline
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It's saddening to read about this. The simple answer is during the early days of dating people put on their best behaviour saying things they think their date wants to hear, agreeing with them a lot and so on. Perhaps at that point they sincerely believe it. No one sets out on a date without a willingness to engage with the other person.

But then, of course, the repartie starts to dry up and their mundane selves start to show through. Men are notorious for needing a sense of conquest. I'm not being cynical. It could be that those mundane selves match quite well; that the people are collaborators, enjoy each other's company (and whatever else), and appreciate what each brings to the other's life; and continue with a loving relationship.

Sad it is to say that hasn't happened here. I know what it's like myself and misguidedly I'd once go on the rebound. It didn't assuage the pain, just led to more trouble.

I'd suggest you give yourself a little time to heal; develop an optimistic attitude (with affirmations if necessary, not about boys but optimism and brightness generally) and try not to develop romantic expectations of people you meet. For a relationship to work and feel content and joyous it's important to be friends as much as anything else, and sincere friendships take a little longer to develop.

Here's wishing you well and hopes for a quick recovery.
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  #5  
Old 23-01-2018, 08:38 AM
hellabomer hellabomer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorelyen
It's saddening to read about this. The simple answer is during the early days of dating people put on their best behaviour saying things they think their date wants to hear, agreeing with them a lot and so on. Perhaps at that point they sincerely believe it. No one sets out on a date without a willingness to engage with the other person.

But then, of course, the repartie starts to dry up and their mundane selves start to show through. Men are notorious for needing a sense of conquest. I'm not being cynical. It could be that those mundane selves match quite well; that the people are collaborators, enjoy each other's company (and whatever else), and appreciate what each brings to the other's life; and continue with a loving relationship.

Sad it is to say that hasn't happened here. I know what it's like myself and misguidedly I'd once go on the rebound. It didn't assuage the pain, just led to more trouble.

I'd suggest you give yourself a little time to heal; develop an optimistic attitude (with affirmations if necessary, not about boys but optimism and brightness generally) and try not to develop romantic expectations of people you meet. For a relationship to work and feel content and joyous it's important to be friends as much as anything else, and sincere friendships take a little longer to develop.

Here's wishing you well and hopes for a quick recovery.

Thank you for the response. Yes, I know that many people like the chase. Honestly, I thought he had some good knowledge about spirituality and life in general. I had hoped that such shallow pursuits won't entertain him much, and he is a mature individual. But I don't understand him anymore.

The thing with me is, if I like someone, I am at peace even with their mundane self. I don't go out and chase something more. And I think, being content with who you have and growing together is a significant aspect of any loving relationship.
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  #6  
Old 23-01-2018, 09:17 AM
Lorelyen Lorelyen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hellabomer
..........
The thing with me is, if I like someone, I am at peace even with their mundane self. I don't go out and chase something more. And I think, being content with who you have and growing together is a significant aspect of any loving relationship.

Agreed that's how it should be. It's about liking someone, admiring them, feeling at ease, which is different from being in romantic love. A deeper love emerges.

So, pain as you may suffer now, sounds like you're well freed from this guy. Hopefully he'll find happiness too with someone eventually but that you'll find your ideals in someone soon without all this anguish.

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  #7  
Old 23-01-2018, 09:26 AM
hellabomer hellabomer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorelyen
Agreed that's how it should be. It's about liking someone, admiring them, feeling at ease, which is different from being in romantic love. A deeper love emerges.

So, pain as you may suffer now, sounds like you're well freed from this guy. Hopefully he'll find happiness too with someone eventually but that you'll find your ideals in someone soon without all this anguish.


It will just take some time, I guess. Though it is really hard to let go of something that started on such a beautiful note. But we can't really fight against the Universe and its timing.
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  #8  
Old 23-01-2018, 02:56 PM
OEN34 OEN34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hellabomer
Thank you for your kind response. He has some beliefs. He often stated that he is afraid to hurt me in any way, and that's why he maintains his distance. But now that he has been quite harsh and pulled away completely, I really don't know what to believe anymore. Simply because he still comes online often, talks to other people (could be girls) and here I am, feel utterly empty and lonely. So, I feel like he is doing alright now, and I could be wrong in feeling that he loved or cared about me. I don't know. Everything seems like a lie right now.

But a part of me is embracing this separation. Strangely, I do feel like I need it to heal myself and learn to love myself first.

I think I have always had a really hard time in giving love to myself. I deem my presence as worthless, and such rejection often reinforce the idea.

I just don't know from where to start this work of self-love, as positive affirmations ring empty in my ears right now.


You are more than welcome.

Him being afraid of hurting you is his way of fearing rejection from you IMO. It is almost reverse psychology, although he's probably not even aware what he's doing on a conscious level.

Loreleyn talks sense; she's talking about role identity - a part of the egoic self. We all have been there and tend to do it. You meet someone, put on an act, trying to show your partner what they want to see and hear, but the curtains soon come down and the makeup comes off exposing the real identity underneath, that's when we find faults in others, complain etc etc.

But yes, he sounds scared IMO. Scared of him being rejected.

I imagine it is tough seeing him online, but stick with it and learn to accept the uncomfortable feeling of seeing him online. Worst thing is disappearing offline to avoid your fear - you'll never grow by doing that and you'll remain all cosey and warm in your comfort bubble. There's no proof he's talking to girls, this is mind chatter, so observe your thoughts, don't judge it and they will disperse.

And even if he is (which there's no proof) says more about his mindset than anything else. He perhaps may jump from one to the next, but the same pattern will emerge as he is living an illusion if that is what he does.

I know as I have been there and done it Jumping from one to the next does not solve internal conditioned beliefs.

Embracing it is key, and that's really good to hear! There's countless things on self-love online. Millions of articles and thousands upon thousands on videos on YouTube. Get stuck into one of them IMO, but perhaps be alone, learn to be comfortable alone as no man is going to fix your inner conflict, this is fact. Not permanently anyway.
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  #9  
Old 23-01-2018, 03:49 PM
linen53 linen53 is online now
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It sounds to me like he was putting up a false front, trying to fit into your head space.

What I've found is "Love will come to you", not, "You will find love".
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If you hit rock bottom, start picking up rocks.
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  #10  
Old 23-01-2018, 04:03 PM
hellabomer hellabomer is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 155
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by OEN34
You are more than welcome.

Him being afraid of hurting you is his way of fearing rejection from you IMO. It is almost reverse psychology, although he's probably not even aware what he's doing on a conscious level.

Loreleyn talks sense; she's talking about role identity - a part of the egoic self. We all have been there and tend to do it. You meet someone, put on an act, trying to show your partner what they want to see and hear, but the curtains soon come down and the makeup comes off exposing the real identity underneath, that's when we find faults in others, complain etc etc.

But yes, he sounds scared IMO. Scared of him being rejected.

I imagine it is tough seeing him online, but stick with it and learn to accept the uncomfortable feeling of seeing him online. Worst thing is disappearing offline to avoid your fear - you'll never grow by doing that and you'll remain all cosey and warm in your comfort bubble. There's no proof he's talking to girls, this is mind chatter, so observe your thoughts, don't judge it and they will disperse.

And even if he is (which there's no proof) says more about his mindset than anything else. He perhaps may jump from one to the next, but the same pattern will emerge as he is living an illusion if that is what he does.

I know as I have been there and done it Jumping from one to the next does not solve internal conditioned beliefs.

Embracing it is key, and that's really good to hear! There's countless things on self-love online. Millions of articles and thousands upon thousands on videos on YouTube. Get stuck into one of them IMO, but perhaps be alone, learn to be comfortable alone as no man is going to fix your inner conflict, this is fact. Not permanently anyway.

Yes, I am trying to accept everything; these uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. It is hard, of course. And I cry at night. But I know that if I manage to sit through this pain instead of distracting myself from it, something beautiful awaits at the end of this dark tunnel.

And I am going to work on self-love through some videos, books and meditation practices. It's the first time I want to fully give myself a chance to live. I have battled through depression for years, and I think it's high time that I should learn to embrace this physical existence. It's a long process though, and I am a little scared of the unknown, too.
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