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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Healing

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  #1  
Old 05-01-2018, 03:03 AM
Shivani Devi Shivani Devi is online now
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Kundalini, Shamanism and Disorders of the Nervous System

Greetings and salutations to all.

I make this thread on the back of a post made in the Non-Duality forum and the subsequent replies contained therein:

http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/sh...117504&page=12

To cut a long story short, about 2 years ago I had a rather violent kundalini experience whilst gazing devotedly at a picture of Lord Shiva.

Prior to this awakening, I had developed clairaudience and the ability to contact the Spirit world through the use of ITC technology - scientific 'listening devices' which created portals to other realms, weakening the psychic veil.

Since childhood, in Bali, I have been able to go into Shamanic Trance very easily, but lately...for the past 20 years or so, it has been very difficult...like an atrophied muscle I hadn't used for a long time...and so, it (pineal gland) totally calcified, shriveled and dried up.

Going back to my kundalini volcano explosion experience two years ago...I was there, meditating on a picture of 'God'...crying a mountain of tears of devotion...and no, I didn't plan that kundalini would rise...it just happened...when all of my chakras, save my heart chakra were still all totally closed-off.

I hadn't purified my system beforehand, I hadn't dealt with a lot of issues like childhood trauma, I still had bundles of nervous 'knots' and 'barriers'...but She either bypassed them, or blasted Her way straight through them all, causing most of Her energy to deflect up the Pingala Nadi (right-hand fire side) instead of being totally contained within Shushumna...so I got the bliss...I got the ecstasy, but also, tormenting agony came with it.

Not long after this, I had a serious bout of food poisoning and suffered a NDE. I left my body, but I thought I was going to die...so I became scared and won't allow my spirit to leave my body anymore, because I always think "that's the end of me" whenever it happens, so I try and keep a tight leash on it now, and try not to let 'Astral travelling' happen because I'm totally terrified of it...but through the whole experience, I got the Shamanic Calling and those spirits I was hitherto speaking with but stopped doing so a few months previously were all asking why? what was I doing? what had happened to me? and unfortunately, it seemed that one, or a few of the more 'malevolent' ones decided to attach themselves to me, to halt my spiritual progression.

So, since all of that, I've been trying to live a 'normal life'...as normal as it was before I started speaking to spirits, before I started praying to Shiva, before I started playing with the Devas, before my kundalini shot through the roof and settled back down, only to give intermittent bursts of realisation and bliss every now and then...more 'then' than 'now'. I wanted everything to be how it was before, but who was I kidding, right?

My life is a text-book case of everything that spiritual Gurus tell their students and spiritual aspirants not to do, but it somehow just seemed totally natural for me that I should do them and allow them to happen (as if I really had any choice/say in the matter), being the practitioner of Shaivism and Tantra that I am - in total juxtaposition to what I truly am, because I'm fully aware also, that I exist as pure consciousness.

For two years now, my resistance, my fear, my negative attachment(s) that will not let things just 'be' so I can experience it, my inability to 'move past' or 'overcome' or 'embrace the changes' has manifested itself into a whole host of physical diseases and maladies:

Functional Neurological Disorder
Dysautonomia
Epilepsy
Fibromyalgia
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME)
Restless Leg Syndrome
Adrenal Exhaustion
Strange Allergies
Multiple Chemical Sensitivity
Lupus
Depression & Anxiety
Insomnia and Hypersomnia
Sensory overloading and overstimulating

I feel like a walking, ticking time bomb, ready to explode.

I try and do things like going to the beach and 'grounding' myself, to give up sugar, carbs etc, to drink more natural spring water, to avoid perfumes and cleaning products....but the 'negative attachments'...the 'demons' always intervene and stop me...keeping me totally down...keeping me sick and adding to my list of symptoms daily.

God knows the number of times I've tried to wake up at 5 or 6am, only to hear Satan's voice say "you can wake up early tomorrow...just stay in bed and 'heal yourself'...you owe it to yourself...there's a good girl"...and so, every day, I stumble out of bed at 10-30 or 11am and the day is almost gone...and then I wonder why it is, I cannot get to sleep until 3-4am the next morning...I try to go to bed earlier than that and I hear that same Demonic voice go "It is still too early! you can stay up later than that...people in the USA are just waking up...don't go to bed yet...there's a good girl" and on...and on..it goes like this. I swear I'm possessed.

So, I can only do things when I fight hard against this force. When I assert my identity strongly, but at the same time, it seems to totally sap every bit of energy I have out from underneath me...undermining my attempts to 'get better' because that means I must get rid of this 'bad influence spirit' for good.

There is my story, and I apologise for the length of it. I don't have much time left now, but I want to try and make good use of every moment that's left available to me and I appreciate all of your kind thoughts and words. Thank you.
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Old 05-01-2018, 09:34 AM
Nature Grows Nature Grows is offline
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Thanks Shivani Devi for sharing, even though i don't know exactly what to say, i didn't want to just leave you hanging here, one thing i though as i read was you said you are afraid to astral project and you stop it from happening then down the bottom you said you feel you don't have much time left? if you really feel that way, letting go and astral projecting may help you prepare in a way but of course you don't have to do it though, if your going to go your going to go anyway, just having total peace of mind and being at peace about it is better. Every one though that i know who has died and come back (thats two people) has said it was a great experience one said they were in a golden place with so much love an bliss and he loved it, the other one said "if everyone knew what dying was like they would all be lining up to do it"

As for you feeling unwell have you tried getting on a really healthy diet with herbs? i think i did see you mentioning some stuff like that once, i don't know if you stuck with it or not.

As for you wanting make changes and get out of bed and stuff, there was a woman i was talking to, shes a mum an she said "oh my kids hate me, iv messed up, i hate the area i live in and i don't know what to do, i just want to get away from it all" then i was like hmmm, shes doesn't know what to do but she wants to get away from it all? she kinda just answered her question, i convinced her to go on a two day holiday on her own, this woman by the way has been a stay at home mum most of her life looking after kids an stuff, then next time i saw her she was going on another little holiday for four days this time... and now she has found a place she likes and is planning on moving there. What i mean by this is to make the changes you don't always have to just jump into it, you can do it in steps an stages, which may be better if you are having a bit of anxiety like you say too. Be kind with yourself through it all as well.

but weather you go or stay on the planet, thank you for the chats and conversations shivani.
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  #3  
Old 05-01-2018, 02:17 PM
sentient sentient is offline
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Just to start from one little corner of this problematic situation Shivani Devi.

Feeling an ominous presence, impending doom, deep depression and having panic attacks?
How is your Thyroid? - Because Hyperthyroidism can cause those kind of symptoms.

Besides having good doctors you have got a good naturopath/iridologist to go to?

It is all well and good to eat healthy non-allergenic foods, but if your body is in chronic stress you might not have much stomach acid nor enzymes to digest your foods properly nor absorb nutrients.
Apple cider vinegar in a little bit of water plus digestive enzymes 20min. before meals is usually recommended.
Apple cider vinegar has Malic Acid which helps to dissolve the build-up of lactic acid in the muscles caused by stress/tension (one of the possible causes of Fibromyalgia).

Try to eliminate all stress. You do Yoga Nidra right? With the Sankalpa to feel your body healing?

*
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  #4  
Old 05-01-2018, 07:00 PM
Shivani Devi Shivani Devi is online now
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Thank you both for replying. <3

I don't go and see doctors anymore. I cannot.

The problem is, I cannot afford private health insurance, so even getting a thing like a simple thyroid test, would be up to the doctor's discretion and they are far from being discreet about 'selective tests'.

After they diagnosed me with all of the above, I was just given endless pills to take; anti-depressants, anti-anxiety drugs, anti-psychotics, anti-convulsants...not one of them was interested in what I had to say...not one of them would do any further testing.

Suffice to say, the combination of medications put on heaps of weight, totally destroyed my mind and IQ, turned me off spirituality, made me a living zombie...I would have preferred death, even though I fear it and so, I quit all my meds. They were not helping anyway.

Now, whenever I go to the doctor with any little thing, they be like "are you taking your meds properly?" and I could go one of two ways, I could tell the truth, only to be scornfully admonished, made to feel like a bad, misbehaving child, get written new scripts for them, get given a referral to a psychiatrist and get told "come back and see me in 3 months with a psych report" or if I lie and say I have been, it's like "well obviously the dosage doesn't seem to be working...let's increase that, shall we?" and I get new scripts, a referral to a psychiatrist and a "come back in 3 months with a psych report"...nope, doctors are totally out of this...I have thus developed a terrible fear of doctors as well.

Yes, I occasionally do Yoga Nidra, but need to increase that, along with meditation and going to an iridologist is a good idea too and I shall look into it. At the moment, I'm thinking about going to see a Shaman myself for a 'soul retrieval' because it seems that fragments of it have been 'lost' somehow...if that is at all, indeed, possible.

As for apple cider vinegar, I hate the taste of it and I've tried to mask it every which way...I get into the 'apple cider vinegar' kick...take it for 2-3 days before my epiglottis closes up and refuses to swallow it after that...if only they made it in 'pill form' *sigh*

...and yes, I also realise I have nothing to lose by astral traveling and consciously, I'm all for it, but subconsciously it's another story, and that's usually the state I'm in when my astral body decides to separate itself, so maybe hypnosis is another aspect I could explore here.

Once again, I thank you both.
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  #5  
Old 05-01-2018, 08:49 PM
Shivani Devi Shivani Devi is online now
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One thing I will mention at this point, and it's worth a mention.

Last Feb/March, I wound up in a mental hospital....I witnessed my neighbour getting stabbed to death by an intruder and I also experienced a break-in whilst I was out - I feared for my own safety and so, I ended up locking myself in my bedroom for a week making bottles and bottles of chili spray...I mentioned this to my brother...my brother called the Mental Health Crisis Team...I was put in hospital suffering a total nervous breakdown.

Whilst inside the Mental Health facility, I experienced a seizure (I was taking my meds at the time) and the Mental Health doctors transferred me to the 'Emergency Dept' and they proceeded to do a lumbar puncture/spinal tap, to rule out Multiple Sclerosis, Parkinson's Disease, Meningitis, ALS, or anything particularly nastier than what I was already diagnosed with.

The procedure was very painful, despite all of the anaesthetic given, and when the procedure was completed, I heard the doctors behind my back go "that's strange"..."yeah weird"..."never seen that before..." and I was starting to get worried...so I was like "what's wrong? Am I dying? TELL ME" and they were like "don't worry, I'm sure it's nothing...nothing to worry about" so with that, I asked to see what my cerebral spinal fluid looked like...with a "can I see what spinal fluid looks like? I am curious" and so, they showed me...and I'm like "It's BLUE!" and they are like "yep, it's blue alright...it's usually clear, like water, but yours is blue and it also appears to be refracting light" and with that, they moved the vial around and mini rainbows were forming on the covers of my bed...I was like "how cool and amazing is THAT!"

So then, the doctor said, "gotta send it off to the lab for tests...I'm sure you don't have meningitis though, or it would be a frothy yellowish-brown...not BLUE!" *shakes his head*.

Six hours later, the results came back...apart from the sample being very heavily ionised, causing the blue colour and refracting principles, no trace of MS, Parkinsons, ALS, Meningitis nor any diseases of the nervous system.

What followed was a tilt table test, spinal and brain MRI's, nerve conduction studies...all of which proved 'inconclusive' and I was put on a high dose of Seroquel and told that I must have total bed rest for a week and then get re-tested.

The Seroquel gave me very nasty side-effects...made me very agitated, nauseous, angry, violent...still, they would not take me off it...I put on 20kg...still, they would not take me off it...I threatened to kill them all or kill myself...still, they would not take me off it...and with all that, I vowed that after this was over, I would NEVER go and see another doctor ever again and made a sworn blood-oath to it...and I've kept that oath.
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Old 05-01-2018, 09:22 PM
mihael_11 mihael_11 is offline
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Oh yes, there is much going on around you. Well, what is can see is, that you can't see some bigger picture and are trapped into not very healthy situation, that others can't really help you but yourself.
How to achieve this, i can't say, but there are some options. First is, to change-modify-rewire you patterns and beliefs. Is that what you believe into and turn-to really working for you?
We can't serve you to find somethin out in one post, but long therm, we can help you to find a way, so continue with what you got to say.
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  #7  
Old 05-01-2018, 09:55 PM
Shivani Devi Shivani Devi is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mihael_11
Oh yes, there is much going on around you. Well, what is can see is, that you can't see some bigger picture and are trapped into not very healthy situation, that others can't really help you but yourself.
How to achieve this, i can't say, but there are some options. First is, to change-modify-rewire you patterns and beliefs. Is that what you believe into and turn-to really working for you?
We can't serve you to find somethin out in one post, but long therm, we can help you to find a way, so continue with what you got to say.
Thank you.

Yes, it has also been said to me by doctors during that whole phase that they cannot help me any more and it was up to me to help/heal myself because conventional medicine had no answers nor treatments for what I was going through....so that's when I totally wrote conventional medicine off, not looking to it for answers anymore.

You are also correct in that I cannot see some bigger picture and I'm trapped in an unhealthy situation, but how to change/rewire/remodify my patterns and beliefs after the fact? I have absolutely no idea, my friend.

Many ask me "are your beliefs serving you?" and "are your beliefs actually working for you?" and all I can say to that is "I don't know...never really given them much of a chance to help me/work for me, if the truth be known".

Maybe I just don't believe in my beliefs strong enough to help me through all of this and so it's not a question of changing my beliefs, because my faith sorta chose me and not vice versa. I wouldn't even know how to begin placing my faith/trust elsewhere, when I cannot even seem to place it towards what I already love and believe in...and I have tried praying to Shiva again...but even God cannot help me unless I help myself and He has made that perfectly clear on numerous occasions. There are to be no 'miracles' in my case.

I shall keep on posting so that others can get a fuller and wider picture of this, so don't worry...and usually, nothing makes a dent in my emotions anymore, but there is one small thing that caused a split-second consciousness shift lately and I'll leave you with it:



From Marianne Williamson.
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Old 05-01-2018, 10:34 PM
mihael_11 mihael_11 is offline
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Well, now we are talking :)

Me too give up medicine, or even more, was naver part of it and also didn't wanted to be, mavbe too much even when i could use it, but that was what i choose. Conventional medicine knows, what is it like, that body is in some healthy limits- avarage of many persons and what can couse that imbalance. So first it is that it is medically proven that you are in balance, to operate on other levels.

There is always bigger picture(for my opinion) it is just difference, how it can be accessed, seen and what are the steps to develop further and more. I would say, it is sum of everything that is going on in your life, what has happened and so on-your perception and understanding of same old situation different way until you can say, this is it. So try different approaches, views of same situation(there are 5 peopes, one object, but can have 5 different views, develop that in yourself, to change focus and energy perspective, to get better results)

There are two options about belief, or you believe too much or not enough. So step one step further if you can and see, what you actually believe. If not, try to develop this. From all believes, most convincing was one dream of me speaking to god, when i found out that this energy is actually very neutral and free-that is why is hard for us to communicate with it, becouse we are conditioned from all sides and don't understand it.

Well, what you will find out about this, i can't say, i also can't say anything about me, but it is true, maybe we are too modest and playing small roles becouse we didn't discover anything else. But point is not about playing small or big roles, but right ones, that fits you. And again im lacking insight into one step further to say something more :)
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Old 05-01-2018, 11:11 PM
Shivani Devi Shivani Devi is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mihael_11
Well, now we are talking :)

Me too give up medicine, or even more, was naver part of it and also didn't wanted to be, mavbe too much even when i could use it, but that was what i choose. Conventional medicine knows, what is it like, that body is in some healthy limits- avarage of many persons and what can couse that imbalance. So first it is that it is medically proven that you are in balance, to operate on other levels.

There is always bigger picture(for my opinion) it is just difference, how it can be accessed, seen and what are the steps to develop further and more. I would say, it is sum of everything that is going on in your life, what has happened and so on-your perception and understanding of same old situation different way until you can say, this is it. So try different approaches, views of same situation(there are 5 peopes, one object, but can have 5 different views, develop that in yourself, to change focus and energy perspective, to get better results)

There are two options about belief, or you believe too much or not enough. So step one step further if you can and see, what you actually believe. If not, try to develop this. From all believes, most convincing was one dream of me speaking to god, when i found out that this energy is actually very neutral and free-that is why is hard for us to communicate with it, becouse we are conditioned from all sides and don't understand it.

Well, what you will find out about this, i can't say, i also can't say anything about me, but it is true, maybe we are too modest and playing small roles becouse we didn't discover anything else. But point is not about playing small or big roles, but right ones, that fits you. And again im lacking insight into one step further to say something more :)
Thanks again. I'm also assuming that English isn't your first language, because I'm having a rather difficult time understanding the intricacies of your contributions, even though I can understand the whole gist of them.

Yes, the Lord is rather neutral about it all. He truly loves us (me) but hardly ever lets it show. Rarely, it will be said...but most of the time, He is just kicking my butt for one thing or another and yet I also know that it is done with the greatest of love.

Quite a few times before, He's said "If you really love me like you say you do, then show me how much by getting up at 6am every morning for a week" and of course, I say "you know how much I love you because you are in my heart, so why do I need to do that? why do I need to prove anything to you?" and of course, He says "Even though I am God, I don't know everything - contrary to popular belief, I'm not omniscient - so I need you to show me" and I just go "I ain't showing you s***" and God just goes *sigh...okay then, SUFFER, see if I care, because I don't!"...and then I go "I thought you loved me" and He goes "yeah, about as much as you love yourself"....oh the convos I have with the Divine One, but in the end, I do nothing about it...and in the end He feels like I'm just pushing Him further and further away and so, our conversations tend to be quite sporadic lately.

So, today I come online and a friend of mine has just sent me a PM about penance or what we Hindus call Tapasya...and it's like a message from God himself, being that it's my only way out of this situation now...I've gotta carry the cross, with all of the focus and intent concerning this being my fate and only after doing that, will I find a way out.
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Old 06-01-2018, 01:40 AM
Nature Grows Nature Grows is offline
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shivani i sent u a pm
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