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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #11  
Old 18-08-2017, 10:20 PM
CrystalSong CrystalSong is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by knightoflenity
I actually declined too which was very gentlemanly of me I must say.

Very gentlemanly indeed!
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  #12  
Old 20-08-2017, 12:59 PM
HeartSound HeartSound is offline
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I concur with Crystal. You are a chivalrous man indeed Mr. Lenity.


I am curious with the OP. Updates please!
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  #13  
Old 20-08-2017, 05:40 PM
knightoflenity knightoflenity is offline
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Originally Posted by HeartSound
I concur with Crystal. You are a chivalrous man indeed Mr. Lenity.!



The glow of one warm thought is to me worth more than money.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, Feb. 25, 1773
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  #14  
Old 26-08-2017, 06:56 PM
7luminaries 7luminaries is offline
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Hello there Tedmil.

I don't know what your mistake was, but if it was coming onto her physically after a few dates (or maybe even just one?), you may have totally turned her off.

It's hard to relax and get to know someone when you feel they can't own their game and are looking for someone, anyone to shag. It puts a huge, overwhelming, god-awful stifling amount of pressure on a woman. The constant, oppressive pushing, forcing, pleading, and b. s. 'ing in order to get sex from a woman..attempts at coercion even, at times...it's tiresome and frankly obnoxious at a certain point. Do you really want to get to know me, or are you more interested in shagging? If a man only wants sex, IMO he should be honest and transparent about where he is at, and just pay for it.

Let me be clear. If a woman has sex with you right away or early on, it is meaningless to her. Meaningless. And thus it is pointless really, unless you are purely interested in using her to get off. You're not turning her on and she doesn't know you or love you. There are two kinds of women who have sex with men after a handful of dates, maybe a few weeks or a few months, or sooner even.

1. Women who are needy and desperate...and who are willing to prostitute themselves to please the man. This does NOT mean they love you, but in their very unfortunate desperation, it's rather that they are hoping that the immense act of giving over the entire being for your sexual use and penetration will, as a show of over-the-top submission and vulnerability, magically cause you to love them and commit to them. This is the **** that society has fed to all of us...you exist to please men so do what they ask and maybe they will give you a few crumbs from the table.

2. Women who are bent and predatory...after following what society has said (above), the trauma of being used repeatedly whilst trying to please men sexually then bends and twists some women...and their numbers are growing hugely...they are no longer rare...in fact, bent, predatory women are now relatively common. How to recognise them?

These women will be more man than you are with regard to easy sex and promiscuity, and they will push their sex aggressively onto men because men are weak and generally take the bait unthinkingly. Even though it is poison. Again this does NOT mean they love you...and often these women are unable to love anyone. What they require is to know that you are under THEIR control, and that they can manipulate you at will...after all, as long as you pant after their sex, it is they who have hand, is it not? Women don't need sex and ESPECIALLY not with someone they don't love deeply.

These days, if someone doesn't want to be relentlessly pressured for sex, or to be used for sex, or to have to put out after a handful of dates (being touched by a hand that doesn't authentically love us feels like rape BTW for many women) -- some women no doubt do what this women did...she tries to say it's all her problem, that she's got trust issues etc. Frankly, you should run not walk away from any woman who is willing to freely sleep with you (and whomever else, believe me) because she's either very needy or else because she's bent. You should be appreciative of any woman who says, "I want to get to know you and love you...and I want you to do the same...so that if we have sex, we'll already know what we are to one another. Sex will actually mean something. And we'll both know neither of us has base or wrong motivations for sex. That we're together because we want to be."

Casual penetration without authentic love is a huge betrayal for a normal, well-adjusted woman. Sexual intimacy is just not a place a normal, well-adjusted women goes without already feeling and desiring a mutual authentic love. Not something one-sided, where either person is doing all the rowing of the boat.

Yes, this means many a man will have to stretch hugely in the emotional and spiritual sense, instead of just showing up and expecting the woman (whoever is at hand) to bootlick his ego and give him sex , using her for pleasure whilst he remains relatively detached. Like sucking on mum's boobs but with less engagement. Many of these women too need to find some self-love, grow a spine, and cut off the hangers-on (wean them from the teat). Additionally, both men and women need to be on the lookout for predators, as they are often hard cases, often narcissistic, and often will not be swayed by any concern for the humanity of others.

If this woman's trust (or any woman's) is important, you need to make it very clear that you're not a predator and you are not just trying to use her or get into her pants. If you're not a predator, you need to man up and own your game whilst getting to know a woman and possibly coming to love her as a person. Your sexual urges are not her problem, nor any woman's, just because you take her out or you've been on a half dozen dates or whatever.

Do you love her authentically and do you actively want and seek her highest good? Totally apart from what she does or does not do for you? Are you willing to commit to her in some meaningful way (i.e., involves your heart and your lifestyle, not just exclusive shagging rights)?

If 6 or 12 or however many dates is not enough to sort all this, I'd agree!!!
So...how is it the woman is supposed to partake in a symbolic rape (penetration by a hand that cannot yet possibly know her well or love her authentically), simply because as a man you prefer a woman's hand stroking you off or a warm orifice in which to ejaculate? Do you see how selfish it is for men to ask this of women, and do you understand how much of a violation it is? No wonder so many women cannot trust men...now they just need to stop putting themselves in positions where this betrayal can and definitely will happen. Meaning, women have to basically utterly and wholly reject what society tells them is 'the way' (e.g., 1) you exist to please men, so 2) screw men to please them and somehow ??? 3) this will lead to love and will bring you happiness).

We're in a transition phase as a society where mainstream norms are degraded and useless in providing anyone with any meaningful guidance. If you want a truly loving relationship, these "trust issues" that loads of women have (whether they tell you this or not) cannot be avoided -- because they are at the core of everything that needs addressed.

If her trust (or any woman's) is important, then you need to swear off mainstream norms and get to know and love women as people slowly, over time. If you find as a man that you are not interested in getting to know any woman and loving them just as they are unless they are screwing you (or might do so), then you've got a lot of work to do on yourself before you can ever love someone authentically. Likewise, if you can only feel warmly toward women of a certain age or type, then you've got a lot of work to do ...as we will all get old one day and for some, things may change a bit. How will you maintain love for a woman in any relationship when it is purely based in your penis? I call this the Trump Conundrum...and it's something MANY men need to deal with.

You also need to avoid lying about either feeling or wanting authentic love in partnership just for sex...that's another huge betrayal of trust. We are simply not meant to shag everyone that, as a man, takes your fancy. We're meant to share our whole selves in sexual intimacy, our entire beings, in authentic love with one another.

I hope I've given you some stuff to chew on...because bro code is total garbage, as is about 99% of the stuff out there in mainstream society. If you are already totally down and totally on board with everything I've mentioned, then spread the word...coz you know what we're all up against. It's time to break the sister code too...men of honour need to know what's real and what's really going on with women too. So we can all begin to talk about how messed up it all is...that's honest, and that's where we start.

Peace & blessings
7L
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Bound by conventions, people tend to reach for what is easy.

Here we must be unafraid of what is difficult.

For all living beings in nature must unfold in their particular way

and become themselves despite all opposition.

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  #15  
Old 26-08-2017, 07:36 PM
7luminaries 7luminaries is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorelyen
Some people are just sociable and friendly but at a whiff of relationship demands, pull away. Could be to do with their history, could be because they see a nuisance event on the horizon - or it could be they just want to stay free.

I sometimes cast myself in this light. I like to think I'm sociable (I'm not the judge of that). I'll go on quasi-dates - lunch at the pub, café, but tend to draw away if the signs suggest more is expected. I do have a b/f of sorts but he's resolving more as a very good friend. It could be a courtship - depends how long it lasts. I tend to put a lot into the work I do which does bring me into contact with a few people.

So I suppose it depends what your motives are and how she interprets them from your body language. How she interpreted that "mistake". Might be an idea just to go on being friendly, give her a wave, a hello in passing. Give it time and patience.


Lorelyen - hello!
This is very good advice for the OP! Agreed.
I feel like you about most of the blokes I've dated since my divorce. I'm sort of seeing someone who is interested but respects my position and doesn't obnoxiously press me, and if he turns out to just be a good friend then that's fine. We'll see how it plays out.

I need good friends of both sexes LOADS more than I would ever need sex with relative strangers I've only known for a few weeks or months. I think this is true for most women. Regarding women, men need to worry a lot more about their character and who they are and what they stand for. As well as what they can honestly offer in a relationship, and what that looks like. That it's not all about them and what they want from a woman...that it's much more that they need to be the man a woman would want in her life as a friend full stop, and only then maybe as a partner. That there's no guarantee of sex...and that sexual intimacy depends for many women on the presence a deeper love and compatibility -- which is rare, frankly.

Casual partnering sexually is way too invasive and demanding of my autonomy, my time, my body, and my independence. If I partner with someone, it has to be real and mutual and equally respecful of me, my family (son), and my needs and considerations. They don't get to run things...it would have to be a real partnership. So, that would take time, and I'm never in a rush.

It helps that I have my own work, a strong heart and character (don't let the baby face fool you hahaha), and a lot of energy, so I'll be good

Peace & blessings
7L
__________________
Bound by conventions, people tend to reach for what is easy.

Here we must be unafraid of what is difficult.

For all living beings in nature must unfold in their particular way

and become themselves despite all opposition.

-- Rainer Maria Rilke
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  #16  
Old 02-09-2017, 07:29 PM
Tedmil Tedmil is offline
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I told her that I may have to move for work. The mistake I made was telling her that news late at night after an extended conversation. Initially she was interested in dating long distance but I guess after sleeping on that idea she felt like I using that only because I was interested in someone else. I probably shouldn't have even mentioned the news given her trust issues until it was final.
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  #17  
Old 02-09-2017, 08:40 PM
CrystalSong CrystalSong is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tedmil
I told her that I may have to move for work. The mistake I made was telling her that news late at night after an extended conversation. Initially she was interested in dating long distance but I guess after sleeping on that idea she felt like I using that only because I was interested in someone else. I probably shouldn't have even mentioned the news given her trust issues until it was final.

Ah, this makes sense. Long distance relationships are not for most people. If someone says they are moving away it's a natural stop light.

The gentleman I'm with, in the early days when we were dating, said he was thinking about moving back to Seattle. I looked him straight in the eye and told him point blank "I can't live in Seattle, I did once and learned what SADD is and that I'm highly susceptible to it, but you do as you need to continue your career."
Needless to say he chose to stay here, find a work-around and have a relationship with me!
I literally would have blessed him on his way as he moved and waved Goodbye. Moving there was out of the question for me and that he would do so was a natural ending point for me, as he would have chosen his career over me when there were actually other viable options here.

There's just too many options for a woman/man who is dating to have to move when she/he doesn't want to just to continue the possibilities inherent in the early stages of a relationship. After a decade of invested relationship with some one, of forming family bonds then its a different story.
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"If you want to understand the Secrets of the Universe think in terms of Energy, Frequency and Vibration"
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When asked by a reporter how it felt to be the smartest man alive Einstein responded "I wouldn't know, ask Tesla."
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  #18  
Old 03-09-2017, 12:22 AM
Tedmil Tedmil is offline
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That all makes sense but she completely changed her mind. She went from being open to long distance to breaking up. In fact, once I learned that I wasn't moving and told her it made no difference.
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  #19  
Old 03-09-2017, 11:55 AM
knightoflenity knightoflenity is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tedmil
That all makes sense but she completely changed her mind. She went from being open to long distance to breaking up. In fact, once I learned that I wasn't moving and told her it made no difference.

She could just be stubborn when it comes to her heart - she may have panicked at the possibility of losing you so shes decided to own the hurt herself by rejecting you.

People are very complicated, they lie to us, they lie to themselves.

You could keep trying or potentially let this one go for a while. The old saying of plenty more fish is very, very true.

The Disney idea of true love is a little one dimensional - reality being that your love can blossom & take you both to extra ordinary places but both need to work at it.

If she won't then somebody else will. It could be tomorrow or in two years.

We like to think of ourselves as unique & whilst it is true in some ways she will not the only girl that you could give your love to.
.
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