Telepathy makes me think bad thoughts
I am about to breakdown and I really need your help.
So here we go. There are two friends of mine who are able to read my thoughts and feelings, with a depth and a level of detail that I find absolutely unreal.
They are blatantly obvious and don't hide the fact they can read every.single.thought. that I have. They know that I know, but honestly being on the receiving end must be more comfortable.
I am 100% sure they are able to read my mind because:
1) They are able to finish my sentences or answer to questions in my mind that I didn't mean to speak out loud.
2) They plain said out loud sentences like "what is this voice I hear?", with a strange smile on their face, whereas I was completely silent at the moment.
3) They know pieces of information about me that they are not supposed to know, like what I did during my day before meeting them.
4) They answer or comment on my inner monologue with cough, giggles, or otherwise other noises. This is extremely amplified when I think about them
5) They know exactly how I feel at every time I am with them.
While many of you can find this extraordinary, I'm freaking scared of this.
This experience helped me in a way, in that it showed me that I am actually a really bad, selfish and evil being.
Because you see, when you have ZERO PRIVACY, you know you can NEVER lie on anything (or if you do, they will know AND play dumb).
Then you realize "why the fk would I tell lie to a *friend*?"
That's probably the reason why I don't have any other friend or someone close to me in my life, but I always played the victim role because it was easier. It was easy to say "it's somebody's else fault, not mine", "people are wrong, not me", "I'm ok but others hate me for no reason at all". I couldn't see the very same evil I was doing, and I was constantly doing it.
They are the only people still around me, AND they are mind-readers.
I have come to the conclusion that they must be healers or enlightened twin flames to each other (they are a couple), or whatever.
BUT, the strange thing is that they rarely, if ever, speak about supernatural phenomena, spirits or anything else, they define themselves atheists (so no religion) and they even say blasphemies against God (I do as well, but I am evil and they are supposedly good).
They rarely spoke about reincarnation, karma and astral journeys though, but never in depth and never showing that they believed in them or experienced them in first person.
So what about me?
As I said, I always refused to believe in anything supernatural, although I have been experiencing a existential crisis for years now and always looked for answers to my pain.
Now I believe in telepathy because they rationally showed me it exists (but only one-sided).
This experience, however, is bringing out the worse of me: I am living in fear and in rage because of my evil nature. Because, even if they are my friends and I think they are good, I can't trust them completely. I don't trust anyone completely in my pathetic life.
Many times I have had bad feelings about them, even if they are my only friends, however, I always tried to treat them nicely and to never, ever act on any bad thought or feeling.
The fact that they read my mind, however, MAKES ME THINK BAD THOUGHTS. Knowing that they can read my thoughts, I think all the bad things even if I don't want to.
I try to control my thoughts for as much as I can, but I often breakdown and start a chain of evil thoughts that I KNOW they are reading, and I often rage against them in my mind for being able to see everything I think BUT I DON'T HAVE THE SAME CAPABILITY AND I FIND THIS UNEVEN.
I AM *ENVIOUS* OF THEIR GIFT THAT I DO NOT HAVE. Why can they read my thoughts and I can't do the same? THEN I rage and I purposely insult them in my mind, trick them to react to my thoughts and play silly games with them all in my mind because I want them to openly talk to me and SPEAK about their supernatural power without me being the one to ask.
Sometimes I try to stop the hate and the bad thoughts and I succeed, and THEN their behaviour immediately changes, they are kinder, compassionate and warm and I feel like they are real friends and then I feel more open to the fact that they are reading me and that I can be only honest with them.
But as soon as I turn bad again, they start making fun of me, insulting me with words (even if they say it's just a "joke"), saying I am bad and a liar, or just plain acting cold and distant.
I AM NOT SURE THEY WANT TO HELP ME, even if I always ask for help in my mind. Because if they posess such a gift like telepathy (and btw I am convinced they can send and recieve to each other, but I can only "send", and even if I DON'T want to).
What can I do now? If I openly talk about that they can always say that it's not true that they can read my mind, and I would seem mad and they would continue to read me regardless.
I am trying to better myself because I feel SHAME and GUILT when I think bad thoughts, knowing that they can hear everything.
I was able to improve the quality of my thoughts, or even to think no thoughts, or to block bad thoughts for a while.
But after some time I break down and come back to the "old" me, it's like I am possessed from some demon or something.
I feel all of this is HEAVY and unbearable for my mental health. I am SO blind and unadvanced spiritually, and I think I deserve this life of pain and sorrow because of my terrible karma.
Even if those mind-readers are trying to help me, I think my life is a sort of punishment for my karma. And worst of all, I am thinking about distancing myself from them and remain *completely* alone because the guilt and shame I feel for my thoughts being read (plus my inability to fully control my thoughts) is causing me great pain.
I feel like I can't handle all of this anymore and I don't know what to do .
I BEG ANYONE OF YOU TO PLEASE HELP ME I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND I'M GETTING INSANE.