bio family member committing Elder abuse

If your mum can trust you, is it possible she could be persuaded to give you power of attorney so that you can say 'no'?

A great shame it has to come to this.

[sea-dove]

I personally think before you do anything too dramatic at all that you should let go of that anger and sit down with your sister and calmly discuss this situation. Maybe she hasnt thought much about it?

Discuss with her how long your mother could possibly live for and how much money your mother may need to live in the manner she wishes to live in. See if you can get your sister to gain some common sense. If she is causing money issues for you mum, help her to see that if you can.
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If you are feeling that "this isnt fair" thing towards yourself (it would only be normal to feel that when you yourself are doing the right thing while sister acting how she is), maybe it should be considered as a loan. One of my family members has suggested that money borrowed from her, comes out of the will of that persons share when she dies. (this certainly can help to keep family members in check if they know they will then be getting less in the will due to what they are borrowing. Its not completely free money with no borrowing consequencs then).

So maybe your mother should tell her you are going to keep tabs of this "borrowed amounts" for her. She should make it borrowed amounts and this may affectly cut back sisters borrowing. My relation simply said that it just wasnt fair on the other family members otherwise and everyone accepted that.

Things like you taking over your mothers financial stuff now, I think orders done with things like that, only become active if the eldery person at the point where a person cant think well for themselves?. Not mentally competent). Sounds like you mum is still thinking well but its a simple case of not being able to say no to her daughter.

Anyway, if you havent had a sensible discussion over this with your sister, do try to do that first, do not do it with anger. I know only too well how destructive big family rifts are and I do think your mother would be unhappy if that happens. There could end up literally with fighting over her deathbed. (I had family members who wouldnt talk to or be at places where other family members were, fights over wills and cut off family).

Try to resolve it in a peaceful way (suddenly trying to evoke an order when your mother can still think well for herself, I do think your sister wouldnt take that well at all). Trying to go about this in a different way may be more peaceful.

Hello, every one of you beloved caring people! I've put some distance between myself and my initial reaction (and it was a hyper protective reaction stance ... I see that now).

THANK YOU for ALL your wisdom, guidance, and suggestions. I am going to check out that agingcare website for sure.

I checked and I do have POA. I also had a heart-to-heart with my mom (and yes, she is of sound mind - more than me some days!) She has assured me that she is not indirectly asking for my intervention. She admits she feels badly about lending money to my sister for two reasons: my mom realizes she does not have tons of money, which my sister might be thinking she has, and my mom also acknowledges that my sister is capable and fit for earning her own way in life, and thus should be doing so.

Now that I am viewing this from a calmer place, I now know my truth: it is my sister's husband who I am really on guard with. I've never trusted him, and I recall my sister told me once that he asked her to approach our mother for money. He has never had a full time permanent job, apparently because he is dying from some kind of mysterious "neck" disease (yeah, I know), so I guess that makes him feel entitled to sit at home and smoke drugs with his other unemployed, and attempt to look helpful by occasionally doing laundry and making meals. (The plot thickens, eh??)

The full spectrum of family dynamics has come into fine focus for me with this recent development. I also feel my father's spirit supporting me with this.

I have reviewed what money my mother has left from her sister's estate: basically she has enough to live in her beautiful assisted-care facility for five more years - that's it.

So, given that my husband and I are planning for my mom to be with us in this world for longer than that, Great Spirit willing, I will confirm this amount with my mom's bank... and then I will have a calm, caring conversation with my sister. I know deep down she is not a demon - I know she will back off with her money requests once she realizes that our mother can afford only five more years in her home where she is now. And hopefully my sister will have the strength to resist her husband's future nudges to ask our mother for money - that is her responsibility, not mine. (Although some days I have this wicked fantasy where I take her husband out for a little walk in the woods, near a bear's den ... )

Thanks again, everyone. Because of all your caring guidance, I am now feeling more calm, clear, and confident about the next steps in this family dilemma!

[Tobi]

It sounds positive. You have the head to cope with all this.
From my own personal experiences, it is always best if any awkwardness with a family member can be worked out by discussion, and friendliness if possible, and common logic. Any basically decent person will often come around and see more clearly when there is a kindly, but serious discussion.

....A bear's den!....haha lol! so funny.....

If the husband has influence over her and living with her every single day, no amount of calm discussion is going to make a difference. This is the reality of the situation, from the information you have given. You said your sister had made some questionable choices and no doubt he is one of them. The man sounds like bad news and, if it is the case that he is pushing your sister to wheedle money out of your mother, then you're right, that's NOT on.

Sometimes you have to take a hard line and that is the only way the situation will get better. You said your first and foremost duty is to protect your mother - and that your mother, being a mother, has difficulty saying no to her children. I know where you're coming from because, without going into too much detail, I speak from experience. Like you, I felt an obligation to protect certain people from others, especially an unsavoury partner who didn't resonate well.

Your sister may be a decent person, I don't know. But I do know that the husband sounds like a big problem and your sister is under his influence. And that your mother is in a vulnerable position because she loves her children and has difficulty saying no. The fact your sister has gone 'on the sly' asking for money means she knows what she's doing is wrong. By all means talk to her, and good luck with it. But if it doesn't work, do what you must to protect your mother.

Originally Posted by Tobi

It sounds positive. You have the head to cope with all this.
From my own personal experiences, it is always best if any awkwardness with a family member can be worked out by discussion, and friendliness if possible, and common logic. Any basically decent person will often come around and see more clearly when there is a kindly, but serious discussion.

....A bear's den!....haha lol! so funny.....

Hey there, Tobi. Thanks so much for your affirmations and your encouragement.

Yeah, bear's den ... hey, it would be a noble way to go, wouldn't it? Geez, officer, I don't know - we were just walking through the woods and talking calmly, then all of a sudden he fell into a bear' den and that was it! Never saw it comin' ...

Originally Posted by SkyeSpitfire

If the husband has influence over her and living with her every single day, no amount of calm discussion is going to make a difference. This is the reality of the situation, from the information you have given. You said your sister had made some questionable choices and no doubt he is one of them. The man sounds like bad news and, if it is the case that he is pushing your sister to wheedle money out of your mother, then you're right, that's NOT on.

Sometimes you have to take a hard line and that is the only way the situation will get better. You said your first and foremost duty is to protect your mother - and that your mother, being a mother, has difficulty saying no to her children. I know where you're coming from because, without going into too much detail, I speak from experience. Like you, I felt an obligation to protect certain people from others, especially an unsavoury partner who didn't resonate well.

Your sister may be a decent person, I don't know. But I do know that the husband sounds like a big problem and your sister is under his influence. And that your mother is in a vulnerable position because she loves her children and has difficulty saying no. The fact your sister has gone 'on the sly' asking for money means she knows what she's doing is wrong. By all means talk to her, and good luck with it. But if it doesn't work, do what you must to protect your mother.

Hi there, SkyeSpitfire. Whoa - you sure clued in on the dynamics here. Wow. Your comments are very assuring - sometimes we just need to hear an unbiased "outsider" confirm our intuition, eh? Thank you for doing that.

To date, my sister has told our Mom to "hold off" on the loan she asked for earlier - my mom had given a bit of a warning about her own precarious financial situation to my sister. Which was commendable for Mom; I know it was hard for her to set a boundary with her daughter but I am glad she did it.

I have an appointment with a financial advisor at my mom's bank this week - we are going over all her assets so I will have a clear idea of what my mom has. This will then validate any future discussion I will have with my sister about finding alternate avenues of funding or making different life choices. Then hopefully she will understand that our mom needs to watch her own finances so she can afford to live out her final years in a safe, clean, comfortable senior citizens facility. No skid row motels and dining on cheapo cat food for Mom!