how do you feel about your own death?

[Jyotir]

Hi Neville,

Apologies if this is redundant regarding anyone's previous comments - have not had time to read the whole thread before adding my 2 cents...

From a very early age I have never been fearful, have even been comfortable with death - being near it, those in transition. I have never doubted or questioned for a minute or felt the need to defend or 'prove' the immortality of the soul, the so-called afterlife (non-physical existence) as a reality, simply taking it as a given even as a child, and then just getting on with life. If anything, there has been a more-or-less detached fascination with the mystery of it as an abstraction, and never thinking about it in concrete terms, let alone worrying about my own death or the possibility of it in whatever form - until very recently. Maybe it was a consequence of an extended series of events over some time during a span of 20 years that gradually reached a point where I have begun to feel a real serious change taking place in terms of my personal connection to and necessity of this inevitable reality.

Starting about 20 years ago with the death of a family member, then gradually here and there some friends and acquaintances passing, some suddenly and unexpectedly; then some important mentors - admittedly nothing out of the ordinary, par for the course. At the same time there has been the inevitable creeping incremental deterioration of the physical body's senses and mechanics in small ways - not even anything major (good health prevails - knock on wood, haha) - just a subtle progression by decades that accumulated to the point where one day I just woke up and clearly understood - was clobbered by the stone cold reality of my own mortality - that I am going to die and it/life is all heading in that direction. This was something that believe it or not, I had really never, ever thought about at all until very recently.

The most important part of this shift has not involved any insidious incursion of fear, but rather a surprisingly sudden and markedly increased urgency concerning the the preciousness of life as opportunity, how brief the journey really is, how every moment is extremely valuable - AND, the concurrent shocking realization of how much time I actually waste and kill - habitually, casually, even callously. That is very much a kind of death too, slow and painful - a kind of dying we don't easily see or admit to - and maybe that is (I am seeing as I write this) the real import of this shift in awareness about death, how it is defined and how that has the potential to affect life.

As a result, my outer life has changed accordingly and quite significantly over the last few years: more and longer meditations; less inane socializing; a refusal to waste my time getting into intensely heated and sterile debates over issues that can only be at best entirely relative, subjective, theoretical and speculative; an increased attention to inspiration vs negativity/cynicism; greater intention of harmlessness, sensitivity etc. There has been a deliberate response to the realization that life is short - so make the most of it. It has actually been a very profound awakening in the last few years, all thanks to the ever lengthening shadow of the grim reaper.

~ J