Equanimity...how?

[Sarahpro]

Hi,
I got stuck in my spiritual awakening 2 months ago, I didn’t accept the fear that came up, I resisted, and here I am weeks later on meds, racing thoughts, getting worse, insomnia etc.
A part of me knows I have to accept this experience.
But I do t know how to accept it when the nature of this experience IS RESISTANCE. When fear comes up my mind has been conditioned to react now, so a barrage of thoughts follows. And now I am afraid to open up the fear for fear of causing more psyche damage. (More racing thoughts more chatter in my head)
So...I came up with an idea..that might be against equanimity? To re-open my heart as much as possible via prayer meditation etc so that I am strong enough to go into the fear
I mean I think technically this is the way but it may not be realistic and ppl tell me that I’m forcing it too hard when I think like this. How do I accept being stuck in duality ? Accept being in my head reacting instead of grounded in body?

One way is mindfulness. Have you ever looked into MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction)? You first want to check with a professional as it might be contraindicated for the condition the meds are addressing.

[Unseeking Seeker]

***

@ Sarahpro ... what awakening was (or is) experienced and how did it come about?

***

I reckon you're expecting too much too soon. 2 months is no amount of time once you set out on a path which will unfold gradually. I can't recommend authors or youtube channels which are so laden with specious stuff...I mean, there are excellent pieces out there but among it is much spiritual snake oil; but it really comes down to you - to contemplate, meditate, practice a few techniques that lead to control of mental stillness, a good healthy body (as the vehicle that carries your spirit around), a deeper sense of the psychic even if you don't develop the abilities strongly - and never be afraid of discovering you (along with most of us) are a victim of delusion.

Once you can accept that what others see and think of you may not agree with what you think they see you've made a start there. You can let others be themselves in their own right. Traits you like or dislike in others are part of their individuality and you have to accept them for what they are, worrying only if you're forced to get involved with something you don't like.

Remaining calm and composed is about equanimity. It lets you respond in a more considered way in the face of difficulties.

You'll also develop higher principles and hopefully try to work toward them. Honesty is possibly one but you should allow yourself the minor peccadillo of 'diplomacy" if it's going to do no one any material or spiritual harm. Charity is another - avoid "being seen" to be charitable which is attention seeking (to me)! It's as much an attitude as action. There are other things.

There's a lot to it but take your time. Be honest in your contemplations. Set aside time in the day to ponder on what you declared in your original post. Make notes about it if you think that'll help. But above all, ask yourself why you want to "spiritualise" your development. What do you hope to get from it? Few people do. They have a problem and latch onto "spirituality" as an easy answer. It never is. It's never instant. They suffer disappointment. You don't sound to be in that category if I'm reading your o/p right!

It takes time.
Good luck.

[John32241]

Originally Posted by Sarahpro

I mean I think technically this is the way but it may not be realistic and ppl tell me that I’m forcing it too hard when I think like this. How do I accept being stuck in duality ? Accept being in my head reacting instead of grounded in body?

Hello,

Just tell yourself that it is ok to be human. Duality is a blessing actually. Without it we could not be doing this divine love energy work we understood so well before we chose to become human.

John

Originally Posted by Sarahpro

Hi,
I got stuck in my spiritual awakening 2 months ago, I didn’t accept the fear that came up, I resisted, and here I am weeks later on meds, racing thoughts, getting worse, insomnia etc.
A part of me knows I have to accept this experience.
But I do t know how to accept it when the nature of this experience IS RESISTANCE. When fear comes up my mind has been conditioned to react now, so a barrage of thoughts follows. And now I am afraid to open up the fear for fear of causing more psyche damage. (More racing thoughts more chatter in my head)
So...I came up with an idea..that might be against equanimity? To re-open my heart as much as possible via prayer meditation etc so that I am strong enough to go into the fear
I mean I think technically this is the way but it may not be realistic and ppl tell me that I’m forcing it too hard when I think like this. How do I accept being stuck in duality ? Accept being in my head reacting instead of grounded in body?

Fear is the minds way of motivating us to avoid something. When the mind looks to a threat and compares it to the image of self in the ego, it may generate anger if it feels it is strong enough to defeat the threat and wants to motivate one to fight, or it my generate fear if it feels the threat is stronger than itself and wants to motivate one to flee. Usually there is always a bit of both going on at the same time and how they balance out drives our movement.

MBG is that the resistance you feel is one part of you (including your conscious mind) wanting to take you in one direction, while another part is saying, "No way, too dangerous!" You are at war within yourself with both sides fighting desperately to gain an upper hand. Don't try to overpower yourself, that frightened part of you is not your enemy, it is a frightened part of you, try to understand where its fear is coming from and what it is all about. Then try to take that frightened part by the hand and lead it forward with love, kindness, and compassion, rather then force. And yes, if you reopen your heart, I suspect that is the path of resolution it will prefer. The thinking rational mind, no matter how high its IQ may be, is often quite clueless and stupid without that emotional IQ that resides in the heart.

.

[HITESH SHAH]

Originally Posted by Sarahpro

Hi,
I got stuck in my spiritual awakening 2 months ago, I didn’t accept the fear that came up, I resisted, and here I am weeks later on meds, racing thoughts, getting worse, insomnia etc.
A part of me knows I have to accept this experience.
But I do t know how to accept it when the nature of this experience IS RESISTANCE. When fear comes up my mind has been conditioned to react now, so a barrage of thoughts follows. And now I am afraid to open up the fear for fear of causing more psyche damage. (More racing thoughts more chatter in my head)
So...I came up with an idea..that might be against equanimity? To re-open my heart as much as possible via prayer meditation etc so that I am strong enough to go into the fear
I mean I think technically this is the way but it may not be realistic and ppl tell me that I’m forcing it too hard when I think like this. How do I accept being stuck in duality ? Accept being in my head reacting instead of grounded in body?

This kind of things come when one sees the dos and donts of spirituality daunting , impractical , very difficult and still for a good reason you want to be spiritual . Now this is very much understandable and it comes in life of almost all seekers . So nothing abnormal about it .

In order that such excessive stress does not become unbearable overkill you need to relax , take unharmful hobbies , engage more in dos of spirituality then donts , make some GOOD friends , read good books , avoid urge to be acceptable to one and all .

[Sarahpro]

Thank you for the responses!

To answer one question, my awakening started after a year of recovering from mushroom induced breakdown....my heart all of a sudden opened and after that had many anxieties come up to the surface and many many chakra wounds come up one at a time. It was beautiful! But then the fiery fear came and I forgot how to allow it, I thought I was done awakening, and so I went kinda nuts!
I’d love to be patient but honestly this resistant reactive state is causing further dissociation so I have a lofty ambition to open my heart thru repeated prayer , enough to face the darkness...I could just accept it but I’ve been in this loop for weeks of watching it get worse...yeah.. and it isn’t just fear, it’s like such dissociation from my body and disconnect from life
So yeah I tend to come up with zealous solutions and heart/prayer is what I have now..I realize the ignorance of it , that it is motivated by fear , but I seem convinced that if I just relax and am passive, I will not climb out of this and move back into love....despite what my therapist and yoga teacher tell me...I don’t think minds can reverse psychosis damage....?

[Sarahpro]

In response to telling myself it’s ok to be human- yeah .. It’s half that I do feel ashamed of this- this sudden heartlessness, duality, immaturity, dependence, awkwardness
But it’s also that I would like to be happy
I’ve written down so many times that happiness is RIGHT NOW
But then my mind goes nope, open your heart first and fix this problem, THEN you’ll be happy, otherwise your sense of self will get even more ruined

[Sarahpro]

And hmm maybe part of me realizes there is no quick fix...but also part of me has a bit of a fantasy that if I can cultivate my heart enough, I can get back to a place of actually facing my shadow instead of getting lost in thought...at this point I am desperate
Well ok I’ve been desperate for a few weeks aha and yet I remain. But truly worries about further damage due mental reactivity
And also confused how to accept so much darkness....I’ve never experienced evil thoughts before and I just automatically judge them/am afraid of them