leaving my phD studies and recurrent dream

Dreams … well, I have a recurrent dream that is interesting …

In 2003 I dropped out of my Ph.D. studies after 2 1/2 years. I had a great scholarship in the Netherlands but the pressure was way too much, I did not get the support that I was expecting [from a research point of view I was basically on my own], and I realized that I simply had other priorities in my life …

At the time, I thought that I needed to be selfish and think about myself, because in my view, my mental and physical health were at stake. I kind of exited through the back door and I feel ashamed in the way I ended it. My supervisor is a kind person that did not deserve this type of treatment, even when he did not offer the support that I expected.

Apparently, I have not been able to forgive myself for this, because I keep dreaming (every few months) that I am in that same university, checking the research topics available, going through course brochures, talking to staff and students, etc.

In my last dream, it appeared as if I had quit my job [or had sent the resignation letter] and I was applying to continue working on a Ph.D.
All the staff was happy to see me back but I was hiding from them; I do not remember the details but something in me could not understand how in my 40s I was leaving behind everything including a 6 figures job for a Ph.D. research in which I had to support myself with my savings, while being away from everybody I know

… maybe my consciousness is hitting me back for acting so stupidly

PS: I have this inner desire [maybe more like a fantasy], kind of faint but persistent, to move very far away from everything and everybody; move to a remote place where I do not have to interact with anybody, where I could be in full contact with nature and animals.

[Perfection]

yes don't quit your job because you could end up on food stamps like most airline pilots in America. Can't you do the studies at night instead of visiting bars or going to parties etc? It may take twice as long to get your degree but at least you definitely will be getting it & you will be able to support yourself along the way. Successful people often have a lot of support & collapse in a jelly heap without it.

So don't blame yourself for not being able to continue without the support you needed. A lot of successful people have people to do every single thing for them so they can focus 100% on their own particular skill & excel at it. But if they were alone they would have to do all the other jobs as well & their unique talent would never reach fruition.

So keep your income because it is the only thing that matters in this terrible world, & in your free time do the necessary study & work needed to get the Ph.D or whatever.

The wilderness is full of deadly danger & there is nothing out there except yourself & death. So drop that idea unless you can do all your work & studies from a cabin in the wilderness '& remain financially secure & achieve your goals without quitting anything except social gatherings.

[Michelle11]

Well first of all you weren't stupid. You made a decision based on the situation at the time and thinking about your physical and mental health seem like very valid reasons but even if you didn't have those it still doesn't matter. It's your life to do as you please. It is only society that may say you should have stayed but should is one of the most damaging words in the English language. there isn't anything we should be doing. I suspect you are wrestling with regret more than anything else and I do agree you need to forgive yourself. If it would make you feel better you can try and write the supervisor and apologize for how you ended it but I suspect you aren't the first one to drop out. It's not an easy thing to accomplish and I suspect many drop out and fail out as well so do not be hard on yourself. Try to find a way to let it go and be OK with your choice because it wasn't wrong or stupid or selfish. In general, my opinion is that life is more about what happens in the journey than the destination. Our soul could care less if we amass millions or build and empire. All it cares is whether or not we are being true and kind to ourselves so do try and let it go.

As for the desire to run off into the wilderness I suspect it is a sign that there may be some underlying stress or anxiety that is not being dealt with. For a very long time I wanted to escape life, I was hoping some apocalypse would come and end it all so I could be free of my inner angst. So it is possible a part of you wants to run and hide from the pressure of life. It is extremely common, more common than I think most would admit so just be gentle with yourself. Being human is hard and stressful and difficult. In a lot of ways it very well was the right and perfect choice to end the PH'd work because having doctor at the end of your name doesn't make you a better person. You are perfect just as you are now. I think if you are able to let go of the intense pressure you are putting on yourself you may find less of a need to run off into the wild. Maybe more vacations are in order. Either way, take time for you. It's important.

I appreciate your words perfection and Michelle. Best wishes also for you!!

Originally Posted by Michelle11

Well first of all you weren't stupid. You made a decision based on the situation at the time and thinking about your physical and mental health seem like very valid reasons but even if you didn't have those it still doesn't matter. It's your life to do as you please. It is only society that may say you should have stayed but should is one of the most damaging words in the English language. there isn't anything we should be doing. I suspect you are wrestling with regret more than anything else and I do agree you need to forgive yourself. If it would make you feel better you can try and write the supervisor and apologize for how you ended it but I suspect you aren't the first one to drop out. It's not an easy thing to accomplish and I suspect many drop out and fail out as well so do not be hard on yourself. Try to find a way to let it go and be OK with your choice because it wasn't wrong or stupid or selfish. In general, my opinion is that life is more about what happens in the journey than the destination. Our soul could care less if we amass millions or build and empire. All it cares is whether or not we are being true and kind to ourselves so do try and let it go.

As for the desire to run off into the wilderness I suspect it is a sign that there may be some underlying stress or anxiety that is not being dealt with. For a very long time I wanted to escape life, I was hoping some apocalypse would come and end it all so I could be free of my inner angst. So it is possible a part of you wants to run and hide from the pressure of life. It is extremely common, more common than I think most would admit so just be gentle with yourself. Being human is hard and stressful and difficult. In a lot of ways it very well was the right and perfect choice to end the PH'd work because having doctor at the end of your name doesn't make you a better person. You are perfect just as you are now. I think if you are able to let go of the intense pressure you are putting on yourself you may find less of a need to run off into the wild. Maybe more vacations are in order. Either way, take time for you. It's important.

@Michelle11, I was reading again some of these posts and I would like to express, once again, my deep appreciation for your wise words. May God bless you!!!!