Why aren't things improving?

[002 Cents]

Originally Posted by Lynn

Hello

What you have to ask yourself is what is best for you in all of this. Can you move past the cheating and trust in that it was a one time thing or can you live with maybe it happening again and again. Or happening with the same person again ?

I feel for now all I can do is move past what was done. He hasn't had contact with her since March and it was only an online thing. Plus, he was never able to actually get off with her when they did fool around with webcams and cell phones... Which to me says his conscience was getting in the way. He could have met up with her but ultimately he chose not to.

Also, after I found out about her we went through a period where we we're both seeing other people. I dated two men online , all of which was out of the eyes of the children . Why would they need to know anything about that? Anyhow, that experience only solidified my appreciation for my husband.

What effect will that have not only on you but how kids see relationships ?

I trust that should my kids ever come to me upset because their spouse has cheated, this will give me the tools to help them better assess the salvagability of the relationship.

I went to my dad when I found out and he told me not to forget the man he had always been for me and the kids.

Would love to respond more but gotta get back to work.

[Gem]

Originally Posted by 002 Cents

Jim - while your experience sounds extremely traumatizing you must realize that it is only one relationship model for family dynamics out of millions.

None of that describes my home or my situation and using my thread is an opportunity to vent... Well... I hope it made you feel better because it wasn't particularly useful. Maybe you should start your own thread ?

There is no violence in my home or alcoholism. There are **** people in my family line who conduct themselves questionably and I have dedicated my life to keeping them away from my children because I do consider the things that will influence how they will develop.

My exhysband is an abusive, narsisitic, alcoholic and a **** example of how a father should be for our son. So, when I chose my current husband I considered the kind of man I wanted my son to grow up to emulate.

My husband isn't perfect but none of us are. He is still a good, kind hearted, caring, compassionate man, who works his *** off to make my dreams realized. He never asked to be moved away from his country and all he knew to be providing for a single mother and her kid. He did that for me. And he hates it here but he still never pushes the issue and just hopes that I will keep up my end of the deal as I promised by allowing us all to move back to his country in a few years when my son is ready for college.

I was talking to my son yesterday asking him how he planned to learn of morality without knowing God and he said he learns from my husband. I said, you realize he isn't perfect right and he said I know but nobody's perfect . He is a good person though, he always has been.

My sons life is great because I left his father and brought in the kind of man he deserved to have as a parent into his life. Not all marital issues need to end in divorce. Not all marital issues have to damage the whole household.


And just because someone makes mistakes doesn't make them worthless and harmful.

You sound like you've made your fare share.

This sounds like a well balanced perspective which considers a wide range of things, and you know, trust can be a delicate thing which is disrupted by some sorts of secrecy. In light of that, forgiveness isn't a simple issue as a whole, as in close cases it also involves the repair work of interpersonal trusts, along with the healing of wounds, which is hard and takes time., Sometimes, the past actions are already accepted as mistakes and let go, but as past behaviour can be a way to predict future behaviour, doubt for the openness and honesty in regards to the future lingers on as misgivings and mistrust, and there are several dimensions to the overall scope of the related... relations. The boundaries and life values are complicated to negotiate at times, even in cross national circumstances about where to make 'home', and also on the more nuanced levels of all that is talked through and agreed on between two people, and, how deeply it is all understood by each other. Respect as a parent is an admirable, though, as that reflects fine and respectable qualities.

[002 Cents]

Originally Posted by Lynn

Hello
Its all fine and good to have man that is a provider but too he has to have a moral standing for not only himself but for you and can children as well. There has to be a balance even if there is not LOVe.

I don't think I don't love my husband. I feel like the foundation has been rattled and I am hesitant to put all my faith back into that. But we have a lot of loving moments between us. Before we ever dated we were best friends and that was the one thing I was grateful for in going through all this. Because when things got hard we didn't turn into the hellish bickering couple that fought all the time. We fell back into the best friends dynamic where we were talking and joking and sharing. Not to say that there were never arguements but when we did argue or wanted to talk about something that we thought could potentially cause an arguement we discussed it in private.

Originally Posted by Lynn

I feel that how we learn best is to at times hear the stories (vents) as you so put it from others so that maybe we see that our path too is not the best and that we need to make changes in it.

I feel like venting is expressing or sharing your situation without projecting it on to others.

Blue was able to vent without making assumptions and accusations. Also, she didn't attempt to hijack my thread with repeated posts reiterating the same points and attacking the OP.

We all have stories to share, things that other people can identify with and learn from.

But it is how we deliver the information that makes the difference.

Originally Posted by Lynn

My story is well shared on SF and in me being open and honest in my sharings I have helped both men and woman break free and find a path that fits them and at times their children. To learn that 'you' come first and foremost in that place of being and getting respects.

I agree. Honestly, the one thing I realized when all this started was that I needed to learn to love myself. My husband had been my rock. My whole world revolved around him and now I know that I need to be my own rock.

It isn't anyone elses job to keep me solid. It has been a process but I am getting there. More secure in myself now than ever and that makes me better able to provide for the needs of everyone in the household. Now that I have more nights at home I have more bedtime stories with my daughter.

It's the best feeling in the world being able to read our favorite books together and as she is getting older I know each time is all the more precious as she will soon be too old.

Originally Posted by Lynn

I feel that mine was unfaithful to me, but too I was blessed that I cut all the sexual ties to hm before it happened. I might well have spared me a disease that could well come with an affair. Trust me I got tested and re tested just in case.....something deeper one's do have to look at with affairs of the heart.

I'm sorry to hear. It is definately deeply troubling to think someone would do such a thing. And the fear of disease is very real.

I don't know if it is better or worse that my husband's affair was one of the heart. But I do know that I made the right choice in letting it run it's course because it didn't take long for him to learn enough about her to realize she was no prize... (has a history of trapping men by getting pregnant).

It's like taking a toy away from a kid. You could fight them over it. But then they will only have this glorified idea about what they are missing out on.

You let them play with it until they get bored... well... then it is their choice.

Now my husband has the gift of hindsight.

Originally Posted by Lynn

What imprint goes on a child where there is not LOVe and trust in a relationship, what do they learn and maybe repeat in the future relationships they will have. I worry on that a bit with mine, having had abuse and booze as foundation....yet I feel I got out in time to show them a better path.

I feel like it is never too late for a person to build an impression of what a loving relationship looks like.

With our marriage the problems didn't start with the cheating. That is just when things came to a head. I had lost him to that game for 3 years. It was all he ever wanted to do. That I feel was worse for our family than anything that is taking place at this point in time. Now my kids see us spending time togther. Every moment I am home my husband wants to spend it with me. It can be a little smothering but maybe he is just over compensating for the time we lost.

Originally Posted by Lynn

Many times we fear the unknown in leaving of that fall from the lifestyle we have, and that keeps us locked in place. I fell financially but I raised myself up morally in how strong and happy I have become.

I actually did work out an exit strategy. It involved moving in with another single mom, out daughters are great friends and have been since Kinder. The thing is... I know I could make that work... but the more I thought about it... the more I thought, "You only want to do that so you can play the field a little bit, why screw up your family for that?"

It is something that I am not loving inside of myself lately. I get hit on at work a bit and before all this it was no big thing I had my routine for chasing men off. But since all this, it has been a lot more tempting.

I doubt I would really be able to let anyone close enough to let anything happen... but I am terrified because I like it and liking it makes me afraid I might one day cheat if I don't get it under control.

These are the demons I need to overcome.

And don't get on your rant Jim (I know you are reading this ya nosey antagonizer) about how this makes me a bad mother or person! It makes me freakin Human and more honest than most humans!

Oh and BTW I had an awful childhood too! The difference is, I no longer need to rant about it because I put it behind me, owned my own flaws and allowed their carcasses to become fertilizer for better things to blossom.

Thich Nhat Hanh - Taming the Tiger Within and/or Peace is Every Step

These books are your friends!

Originally Posted by Lynn

The funny thing is he accused me of the affair but I never dipped into that place until I was well free from out commitment.

I hope you can find peace with this as it might not look like it has an effect on kids but it does. Too it has and is having an effect on you or you would not be sharing with us here.

My feelings about my marriage go back and forth a lot at the moment.

Some days I feel like we have things figured out and we can do this.

But now when he upsets me... given the new lows our relationship has reached, it is hard for me not to wonder if it isn't signifying an overall decline in our compatibility.

Only time will tell. I just try to bring as much love and light into my household as I can in the meantime.

He still has his own demons he has to work out and no one else can do that for him.

Originally Posted by Lynn

I value what others have to say as we learn a bit more about yourself I feel. Abuse comes in many forms and to me an affair too is abuse as they expect to just roll back on top of you and get more.....is that right ?

Lynn

Yes... he most certainly did... he thought it was clever how he used to sneak back into the bed in the middle of the night when he was supposed to be on the couch and I finally told him one night that if he tried sneaking into the bed again I was leaving. It needed to be my choice if and when I was ready.

[002 Cents]

Originally Posted by Gem

This sounds like a well balanced perspective which considers a wide range of things, and you know, trust can be a delicate thing which is disrupted by some sorts of secrecy. In light of that, forgiveness isn't a simple issue as a whole, as in close cases it also involves the repair work of interpersonal trusts, along with the healing of wounds, which is hard and takes time., Sometimes, the past actions are already accepted as mistakes and let go, but as past behaviour can be a way to predict future behaviour, doubt for the openness and honesty in regards to the future lingers on as misgivings and mistrust, and there are several dimensions to the overall scope of the related... relations. The boundaries and life values are complicated to negotiate at times, even in cross national circumstances about where to make 'home', and also on the more nuanced levels of all that is talked through and agreed on between two people, and, how deeply it is all understood by each other. Respect as a parent is an admirable, though, as that reflects fine and respectable qualities.

Thank you for that

Indeed it is a process and I never know how to expect myself to feel at any given moment I can only go based off of how I am behaving.

I know at first I was counting the days, the day I found out when I had to go into work as I crossed the threshold I told myself "Day One".

I knew once I no longer felt the need to count the days I would be making my first step towards progress.

And every step along the way has been just as useful in helping me see how far I have come since the start.

I had started smoking again, and since quit.

I had bouced from one guy to another guy then back to the first guy and realized... that in doing so I was only fortifying the insecurity, the need for external validation and hindering my ability to become emotionally independent.

I struggled with depression and some very dark moments in trying to become emotionally independent.

But now, things don't feel hopeless. I feel like, the worst pain he could inflict on me at this point would be cheating again, and if he did I already know what I am going to do. I don't lose in this scenario, he does.

That is about as prepared as it is reasonable to expect myself to be at this point.

[jimrich]

[quote=002 Cents]

And don't get on your rant Jim (I know you are reading this ya nosey antagonizer) about how this makes me a bad mother or person! It makes me freakin Human and more honest than most humans!

Yes, I'm reading it and, quite honestly, I'm getting both bored with and tired of your rambling, inconsistent and questionable "stories" and attacks that look more like a childish plea for attention than a meaningful conversation.

Oh and BTW I had an awful childhood too! The difference is, I no longer need to rant about it because I put it behind me, owned my own flaws and allowed their carcasses to become fertilizer for better things to blossom.

Your childhood is not "behind" you at all, IMO. Your entire thread is all about the disturbed child that you still are, in my opinion. But then, perhaps there is still something of value here if and when someone wants to see it, in my opinion.

[cloud9]

I read other replies in this thread. At the time, I was thinking it was nice of so and so to take the time to give you best friend advice or help you see what you might not be seeing. I guess it's a matter of perspective, but I saw someone trying to help you not make the same mistake he did. I am saying this because you might get into unintended arguments when no harm was meant by someone. You might hate me for saying it, but I am being honest. You wrote this thread asking why things are not improving so it doesn't seem like things are going well in your relationship. It may be true that you loved or still love your husband, but that doesn't mean the relationship is working. It's common for couples to grow apart over time. It's a two-way street and right now it doesn't seem like your husband is trying to make this work. Let us know how he acts after the gaming memorial with this chic. Why isn't he bringing you with him? I'd invite myself to go along just to make sure no trouble happens. I wonder if he'd discourage you to come.

[002 Cents]

[quote=jimrich]

Originally Posted by 002 Cents

Yes, I'm reading it and, quite honestly, I'm getting both bored with and tired of your rambling, inconsistent and questionable "stories" and attacks that look more like a childish plea for attention than a meaningful conversation.


Your childhood is not "behind" you at all, IMO. Your entire thread is all about the disturbed child that you still are, in my opinion. But then, perhaps there is still something of value here if and when someone wants to see it, in my opinion.

Yeah well if you thought I was going to expand on the multitudes of my pain and the level of dysfunction that occurred between us after that you can guess again.

All you've managed to accomplish with you're hostility is create an unwelcoming space for wich any details of my life will be heavily edited because no one deserves what you have done to my thread. So I will quietly wrap it up and refrain from inquiring on this forum further.

This is how I assert the only control I have over the situation by taking the power away from the abuser. Who by all intents and purposes has perfectly exemplified what it looks like to have narsisitic personality disorder.

I feel bad for your wife . Unfortunately people like you demand a lot out of people and give very little in return.

It's not a fair balance.

[002 Cents]

Originally Posted by cloud9

I read other replies in this thread. At the time, I was thinking it was nice of so and so to take the time to give you best friend advice or help you see what you might not be seeing. I guess it's a matter of perspective, but I saw someone trying to help you not make the same mistake he did. I am saying this because you might get into unintended arguments when no harm was meant by someone. You might hate me for saying it, but I am being honest. You wrote this thread asking why things are not improving so it doesn't seem like things are going well in your relationship. It may be true that you loved or still love your husband, but that doesn't mean the relationship is working. It's common for couples to grow apart over time. It's a two-way street and right now it doesn't seem like your husband is trying to make this work. Let us know how he acts after the gaming memorial with this chic. Why isn't he bringing you with him? I'd invite myself to go along just to make sure no trouble happens. I wonder if he'd discourage you to come.

I'm not following your train of thought here... Who is giving me best friend advice? Please bear in mind if you are talking about Jim at least one of his responses to my thread his first one to be specific was removed by mods on account of his attacking the op.

In response to that he returned and blew up my thread with post after post and only in the last two has a glimpse of the original sentiment resurfaced...

[Gem]

Originally Posted by 002 Cents

Thank you for that

Indeed it is a process and I never know how to expect myself to feel at any given moment I can only go based off of how I am behaving.

I know at first I was counting the days, the day I found out when I had to go into work as I crossed the threshold I told myself "Day One".

I knew once I no longer felt the need to count the days I would be making my first step towards progress.

And every step along the way has been just as useful in helping me see how far I have come since the start.

I had started smoking again, and since quit.

I had bouced from one guy to another guy then back to the first guy and realized... that in doing so I was only fortifying the insecurity, the need for external validation and hindering my ability to become emotionally independent.

I struggled with depression and some very dark moments in trying to become emotionally independent.

But now, things don't feel hopeless. I feel like, the worst pain he could inflict on me at this point would be cheating again, and if he did I already know what I am going to do. I don't lose in this scenario, he does.

That is about as prepared as it is reasonable to expect myself to be at this point.

Yea, I never know how to feel, either, but I'm ok with how I feel, and with how other people feel, and carry next to no expectations. 'Every step'. I like that. You're right, being emotionally independent is hard to do, and we have to go through a lot, but it pays off when a point is reached where one can stand alone in that way, and no longer demanding in a way that is a drain on others. But, that's not to say there are not needs in terms of a relationship. It's more like knowing what needs there are, and being able to communicate or negotiate them reasonably as they change over the course of the life-span. Your last statement sounds like you know where you stand, and you know what to do even though experiencing uncertainty, and I don't think anyone can be more prepared than that.