Closure

[Theophila]

Originally Posted by Wandering_Star

A long time ago, I was in a very tempestuous, passionate relationship with a soul mate. He cheated on me, he lied to me, and when he ditched me for someone else I was devestated.

I went around wounded for years after that, wanting closure (which, at the time was a relatively new idea/term). But it never came--or at least not from him, in the specific way I wanted it. It only came when I decided I'd had enough of the pain and realized I had to create my own closure.

Ultimately, closure means accepting what has happened, making peace with it, and letting it recede into the past so it stops being a source of pain in the present. And that always has to come from you, even if the other person offers the perfect apology and makes amends in the exact way you hoped for. After all, you could reject it, and choose to keep being the wounded party because you get more satisfaction from staying hurt and angry and a victim--and some people do that. And if you can choose to reject closure despite being given the opportunity, then why couldn't one choose to create closure even when the other party offers nothing?

When you're still in the middle of all the fresh, raw hurt, it's hard to do. It usually takes some time and introspection to get there. Basically, you have to get yourself into a position where you're willing to forgive them--because in forgiveness lies closure (not the other way around).

In my own case, I had to try to understand why my betraying lover acted as he did, and the answers all came down to fear. He was afraid of certain things happening (or not). Some of those fears that drove him were completely legitimate and understandable, once I really looked at them. He didn't mean to hurt me, but given his fear-driven ideas about reality, and about what a life with me would mean, he couldn't help but hurt me--because he was afraid. After finally looking past my own hurt in order to understand the fear that drove him, I was able to forgive him, and thus free myself from the pain, put the experience behind me, and finally have closure.

⭐️Thank you for sharing your personal story....it really helps to hear it

[Captain]

Time will give you closure. I have always offered closure to my ex-partners. One I stayed close friends with for almost a year and didn't date anyone else because he needed that. We live in a small community and it would have been too hard for him.

Unfortunately not everyone desires to be compassionate in our society and as a result many people get traumatized by not getting the love they need when a relationship ends. It takes a while to tangle up together and a while to de-tangle.

It's best to trust that this has helped you release old pain from childhood, somehow somewhere someone hurt you in a similar fashion. Maybe someone died and you didn't get to say good-by and no adult helped you deal with your emotions. Look within and see if this is triggering any old stuff for you to release. Then thank him/her for the cruelty to allow you to heal from the past. And know that you will be a happier healthier person when this phase of your life is complete. Good luck! Namaste.

Originally Posted by Ishtar

Question to all you lovelies.....
If within a deep emotional situation where there should be an end and the one person offers what the other needs for closure and the other doesn't give it to you back...leaves you without ....
Can you get your own closure even if they didn't give it to you?

Hello, lovely Ishtar.

I say yes. Many people have done this. If a loved one passed away suddenly, or after a separation is another example of getting closure without getting it from the other.

I'm not saying it's easy, though. I think it is easier if it comes from the other person. It's like having it from them does something in our mind and we can proceed with grieving or whatever the next step is more smoothly.

My first intimate partner kind of did the same ... he rode off into the sunset with a flippy wimpy excuse of why he was breaking up with me. How stuck I was in my hurt over that lost relationship - years! Asking why, when, how ... had a lot of questions that would have helped me with closure. Then one day I wrote him a letter - and poured out all my feelings about what he did and how it deeply affected me. Then I buried the letter, like it was a corpse. That helped get me unstuck so I was able to start moving ahead with my life.

Or maybe I pinned my closure letter to a shirt and put it on an effigy of him that I later took my dad`s blow torch to!

I have not read what other people wrote and I am sure they have given very good insights and shared their stories but...your question reminded me of something that left me devastated for a whole year. I had an ex who lied to me, saying that he loved me and he began avoiding me and putting excuses and I wrote to him several times getting no response...until one day I found out he had me blocked everywhere.

I just sent to him a message telling him that I was at least going to say good bye unlike him. I never contacted him again but believe it or not I waited one whole year for him to say something but I was too afraid to look for information related to him because I knew I might very likely find something that would hurt me even further.

When I was ready and things felt so out of place after a year...I found out he met someone else and got married in just a few months. After that I still had to do a lot of healing work on myself.

If there is a way for you to give closure then do not hesitate but I feel that a true closure can only happen when we are ready within our hearts to move on if that is what is meant to be. I regreted for a long time not having had the courage to face the truth about this man but on the other hand I was simply not ready to face that truth because I was in a very fragile condition when this man left without saying anything to me.

[Theophila]

Originally Posted by Captain

Time will give you closure. I have always offered closure to my ex-partners. One I stayed close friends with for almost a year and didn't date anyone else because he needed that. We live in a small community and it would have been too hard for him.

Unfortunately not everyone desires to be compassionate in our society and as a result many people get traumatized by not getting the love they need when a relationship ends. It takes a while to tangle up together and a while to de-tangle.

It's best to trust that this has helped you release old pain from childhood, somehow somewhere someone hurt you in a similar fashion. Maybe someone died and you didn't get to say good-by and no adult helped you deal with your emotions. Look within and see if this is triggering any old stuff for you to release. Then thank him/her for the cruelty to allow you to heal from the past. And know that you will be a happier healthier person when this phase of your life is complete. Good luck! Namaste.

Thank you captain
I like that you dig deeper and try to see other causes...
In this particular case it wasn't so much my own issues, ive been through what you have mentioned with others. I feel the challenge was more his....
I just found it sad to have things end this way....before we met up , innately i knew that there would be a few scenarios of what was to happen, from the most positive in talking and consoling each other to the opposite and him being defensive and evasive... unfortunely he chose the latter....
Thank you for your story, you were very respectful and that was an amazing move to think of him like that....I don't know anyone that would easily do that!
namaste

[Theophila]

Originally Posted by Raven Poet

Hello, lovely Ishtar.

I say yes. Many people have done this. If a loved one passed away suddenly, or after a separation is another example of getting closure without getting it from the other.

I'm not saying it's easy, though. I think it is easier if it comes from the other person. It's like having it from them does something in our mind and we can proceed with grieving or whatever the next step is more smoothly.

My first intimate partner kind of did the same ... he rode off into the sunset with a flippy wimpy excuse of why he was breaking up with me. How stuck I was in my hurt over that lost relationship - years! Asking why, when, how ... had a lot of questions that would have helped me with closure. Then one day I wrote him a letter - and poured out all my feelings about what he did and how it deeply affected me. Then I buried the letter, like it was a corpse. That helped get me unstuck so I was able to start moving ahead with my life.

Hi raven poet
That is so horrible....to just leave like that....oh that hit a nerve just reading it I can't say what I'd say cuase it would be bleeped out!
I feel for you, and if the coward had any sense to at least talk to you to give you an understanding to let you go in peace rather than leave you hanging wondering why?what?how? He could have saved you all that pain....
I'm sorry you had to go through all that, but then again it sounds like this made you analyse and work hard with yourself, his coward ness made you stronger
Thank you for your story, it helped me a lot

[Theophila]

Originally Posted by Chironheart

I have not read what other people wrote and I am sure they have given very good insights and shared their stories but...your question reminded me of something that left me devastated for a whole year. I had an ex who lied to me, saying that he loved me and he began avoiding me and putting excuses and I wrote to him several times getting no response...until one day I found out he had me blocked everywhere.

I just sent to him a message telling him that I was at least going to say good bye unlike him. I never contacted him again but believe it or not I waited one whole year for him to say something but I was too afraid to look for information related to him because I knew I might very likely find something that would hurt me even further.

When I was ready and things felt so out of place after a year...I found out he met someone else and got married in just a few months. After that I still had to do a lot of healing work on myself.

If there is a way for you to give closure then do not hesitate but I feel that a true closure can only happen when we are ready within our hearts to move on if that is what is meant to be. I regreted for a long time not having had the courage to face the truth about this man but on the other hand I was simply not ready to face that truth because I was in a very fragile condition when this man left without saying anything to me.

thank you chironheart....
Your story was touching, I can imagine what a challenge emotionally that was....
It's just frustrating that many choose to cowardly way out , it is disappointment that hurts more ive realised...dissapoointing in that feeling " I wasn't even worth a talk!?!?"
It is ok, I've felt much comfort in your stories, that this seems to happen more often than not.
I think most people don't have the courage and maybe I shouldn't expect it.
Thank you for sharing

[Captain]

Even if this was for his benefit primarily, there is always something for you to gain too. There are no mistakes, you will be more compassionate and peaceful when this is healed. And you may have a greater understanding of give-aways, how your soul can do a favor for another soul.

Years ago I decided I wanted to go on a date that might lead to something more. I picked a man 5000 miles away from a choice of 1000's of profiles on the internet. We chatted, talked and then he came to visit.

I refused a relationship when I saw an unhealthy pattern that would affect me. He stayed in denial about it but kept chasing me. I had a vision his father asked my father(all on the other side)for a favor. To help him get beyond this pattern and that's why I was being so blunt and in his face about it even though I had decided not to ever be in a relationship with him.

He then wrote me an email, I never shared the vision with him. The email was all about his father, it turns out they lived in the same area at one time, both our fathers were Mariners same time same waters. Coincidence? There are no coincidences. American Indians called them give-aways, when we feel called to help another instead of walking away.

It affirmed and expanded on my awareness and participation in the collective, and I did gain....confidence and it reaffirmed my active relationship with those on the other side. And I feel it worked out a few kinks in my personal system as well.

You will be fine....no, you will be better. Have a beautiful week!
Namaste.

[Theophila]

Originally Posted by Captain

Even if this was for his benefit primarily, there is always something for you to gain too. There are no mistakes, you will be more compassionate and peaceful when this is healed. And you may have a greater understanding of give-aways, how your soul can do a favor for another soul.

Years ago I decided I wanted to go on a date that might lead to something more. I picked a man 5000 miles away from a choice of 1000's of profiles on the internet. We chatted, talked and then he came to visit.

I refused a relationship when I saw an unhealthy pattern that would affect me. He stayed in denial about it but kept chasing me. I had a vision his father asked my father(all on the other side)for a favor. To help him get beyond this pattern and that's why I was being so blunt and in his face about it even though I had decided not to ever be in a relationship with him.

He then wrote me an email, I never shared the vision with him. The email was all about his father, it turns out they lived in the same area at one time, both our fathers were Mariners same time same waters. Coincidence? There are no coincidences. American Indians called them give-aways, when we feel called to help another instead of walking away.

It affirmed and expanded on my awareness and participation in the collective, and I did gain....confidence and it reaffirmed my active relationship with those on the other side. And I feel it worked out a few kinks in my personal system as well.

You will be fine....no, you will be better. Have a beautiful week!
Namaste.

wow, what a story...than you for sharing it with me.
I always love to hear others stories, for I always feel that within their lesson I take something away with it as well.
One of the lessons I have learned through all this is going with the flow, listening to my intuition and even though things don't play out as I wish them to, even the negative result also has something to show...
Oh and as for him, he has been trying in his own way to try to make things right.everytime we speak he seems to want another chance, and although I was hurt I still greet him with a smile...forgiving and letting go of that last time .
Deep down I'm starting to feel that something good will happen one day, that if there is real love between to people they won't lose each other. This latest experince was a real test, I'd normally would not have reached this far. Even letting go of the idea of closure was a step ahead. Your and everyone's asvice and stories really really helped and things are a bit better for it thank you