Closure

[Theophila]

Question to all you lovelies.....
If within a deep emotional situation where there should be an end and the one person offers what the other needs for closure and the other doesn't give it to you back...leaves you without ....
Can you get your own closure even if they didn't give it to you?

[blackraven]

Originally Posted by Ishtar

Question to all you lovelies.....
If within a deep emotional situation where there should be an end and the one person offers what the other needs for closure and the other doesn't give it to you back...leaves you without ....
Can you get your own closure even if they didn't give it to you?

Ishtar - I would say yes and no. I've had a couple of friendships and one ended with the other person walking away while the other was me walking away. In the first case I was left wondering why there was never a final discussion to resolve differences. I think of this person often and wonder how they are doing in life. For the later, however, perhaps because I was the person that walked away, I feel there was closure even though communication was just cut off. I had to face this person at a funeral recently after not talking to them for over 20 years. We hugged and exchanged a few words, but both went on about our business. I came home feeling like we no longer knew each other so for me that was closure.

Do you feel you can get closure without the other giving it to you?

Blackraven

[Theophila]

No, not really...
I said what I could say but he just up and turned around, closed off and threw a dinky message on FB.
After many years of heartache, it was a sad ending and it left me feeling black and empty. Made me feel years of pain went in vain.
I left it at that and not asked for anything, and I never will. If that is what he thinks was enough well it wasn't. But I cannot expect or force anything either.
I'm just dealing with myself, and not having had closure from him has left a hole in my heart.
I just want to mend it in my own , just don't know how.....wondering if anyone else has and if so, how....

[Renessme]

Sometimes the absence of closure is the closure. I once wanted a closure, but in chasing that closure it only opened more doors for us. Maybe some things need to be left alone as is. And eventually when the time is right the answer or closure or another beginning shall come.

[Theophila]

Originally Posted by Renessme

Sometimes the absence of closure is the closure. I once wanted a closure, but in chasing that closure it only opened more doors for us. Maybe some things need to be left alone as is. And eventually when the time is right the answer or closure or another beginning shall come.

That gave me comfort when I read it, thank you renessme

Used to be, when I said I wanted/needed "closure", what I really meant was I wanted there to be some magical thing that I/they/we could say or do that would take away the pain of loss, failure and grief.

I wanted something to happen that would be satisfying and save me the pain.
Something to make it all OK, now.

Figured out I had to grieve and come to terms with things on my own. Sometimes this was easy and quick, other times not so much.

Sometimes I thought I had done the "closure" thing, either with the other person by having some deep goodbye talk and parting, or by myself burning letters, or dropping flowers into a stream...only to find all those feelings roar into life again at unexpected intervals.

And sometimes, closure just came quietly, and one day I thought of the person and there was no more pain, not even the pain of loss.

[Ninjajms]

yeah not getting closure is a tough one-I know that experience. This was my experience-what I realized was if I knew what I had done wrong to make this person go away then I would not do it anymore-in a nut shell-the lesson for me related back to my Dad abandoning me.

It took a while for me to see what "the dime was behind the nickel"

I think everybodys experiences are different, and it helps to hear about others just to know you are not alone.

[Ray-O-Light]

Can you get your own closure even if they didn't give it to you?

I say "YES!"
Not as a one time event, but each time the memory comes up for you, stay true to a visualization, thought & feeling that LOVES, NURTURES and SUPPORTS YOURSELF while acknowledging that though this door has closed, you learn from the experience and move forward onto what's NEXT.

[Theophila]

thank you tall all of you...I loved your answers. They have given me great joy...I appreciate every word

[Wandering_Star]

A long time ago, I was in a very tempestuous, passionate relationship with a soul mate. He cheated on me, he lied to me, and when he ditched me for someone else I was devestated.

I went around wounded for years after that, wanting closure (which, at the time was a relatively new idea/term). But it never came--or at least not from him, in the specific way I wanted it. It only came when I decided I'd had enough of the pain and realized I had to create my own closure.

Ultimately, closure means accepting what has happened, making peace with it, and letting it recede into the past so it stops being a source of pain in the present. And that always has to come from you, even if the other person offers the perfect apology and makes amends in the exact way you hoped for. After all, you could reject it, and choose to keep being the wounded party because you get more satisfaction from staying hurt and angry and a victim--and some people do that. And if you can choose to reject closure despite being given the opportunity, then why couldn't one choose to create closure even when the other party offers nothing?

When you're still in the middle of all the fresh, raw hurt, it's hard to do. It usually takes some time and introspection to get there. Basically, you have to get yourself into a position where you're willing to forgive them--because in forgiveness lies closure (not the other way around).

In my own case, I had to try to understand why my betraying lover acted as he did, and the answers all came down to fear. He was afraid of certain things happening (or not). Some of those fears that drove him were completely legitimate and understandable, once I really looked at them. He didn't mean to hurt me, but given his fear-driven ideas about reality, and about what a life with me would mean, he couldn't help but hurt me--because he was afraid. After finally looking past my own hurt in order to understand the fear that drove him, I was able to forgive him, and thus free myself from the pain, put the experience behind me, and finally have closure.