Personality disorders

[Belle]

Good q Ninoushka.

He doesn't drive me crazy - more I drive myself crazy as I know it is going to be really really awful navigating this issue. I don't know definitively he is narcissitic but it seems to fit the bill from what i know of him and given that, he will believe he has an entitlement to my money and not to honour his commitment. It changes the dynamic hugely from dealing with a perfect toad to a damaged soul - but the complexity of the damage makes it difficult to work through.

There are other people in my life who I sense are narcisstic - eg my ma. So, whilst the phantom money-ower is the catalyst for the q, there are other people to navigate through and I have to ask myself what is it about me that attracts a certain type? This is indeed speculation but who knows? I feel i need to look at it.

[Ninoushka]

Originally Posted by Belle

He doesn't drive me crazy - more I drive myself crazy as I know it is going to be really really awful navigating this issue.
I don't know definitively he is narcissitic but it seems to fit the bill from what i know of him and given that, he will believe he has an entitlement to my money and not to honour his commitment. It changes the dynamic hugely from dealing with a perfect toad to a damaged soul - but the complexity of the damage makes it difficult to work through.

I am glad you realize that you are the one driving yourself crazy Do you absolutely need this money right now? Or are you seeking to get it back for the principle (i.e. because it bugs you that he would think that he's entitled to keep it). That is a big question, because if you don't need this money, my advice is that you should let it go. At some point, this money will get back to you anyways - either from him when he finally realizes his mistake, or from another source. You are obsessing on this money and it is hurting you... would you rather have the money with all the pain in seems to involve, or be a little poorer but at peace?

Originally Posted by Belle

There are other people in my life who I sense are narcisstic - eg my ma. So, whilst the phantom money-ower is the catalyst for the q, there are other people to navigate through and I have to ask myself what is it about me that attracts a certain type? This is indeed speculation but who knows? I feel i need to look at it.

This is another question and in my opinion it is not exactly the same as what you're dealing with "phantom money-ower" (haha, excellent nickname by the way). So you think you attract this type of people? I know the feeling. For a long time in my life I attracted abusive relationships (friends, boyfriends) and compulsive/pathological liars.
After some soul searching, I realized that they were only mirroring, in a very extreme way, some of my weaknesses. The fact that the abuse and the lies were so strong hurt me really bad and it was the only way for me to realize what I had done wrong. Now that I don't pose myself as a victim of these behaviors, and work on my own behavior, I no longer attract this type of people. If you think about the law of karma, when you do something wrong, it will get back to you 10 times. This is true and seems to work whether or not you believe in past lives (in this case, there's even more negative behavior on your part, lol!). I am not accusing you of being narcissistic yourself, I don't know you, just wondering if you think you could display this behavior yourself too in a way. I know it is a difficult question to answer, and you don't have to answer here in public, but some self-questioning always helps, in my opinion.

[Belle]

Ninoushka thank you - you ask bold qs. I won't deal with the money q as it's off-topic. But I appreciate and will reflect on the q.

I know exactly what you are saying with regards to the aspect that perhaps I am wound up by such behaviours as it might be a mirror to my soul. There are aspects of me which are narcisstic, but a) they are not consistently so and b) it is not enough of my personality traits.

I have / had an egoic desire to please, that by making others happy I feel fulfilled. But not in a way that I can sustain as I do have a sense of my own need - but somehow I think I have / had a chink in my persona such that narcisstic personalities rock into my life easily. I'm sure of the lessons that I'm presenting me with.

Looking on line at the sort of person a narcisstic is - it makes me sad. Whilst I am aware that you can't *help* someone, perhaps there is a way of walking by someone who is of this nature?

[Xan]

Someone said compassion, which is always true but won't get your money back.

To manage personality disorder people takes a lot of precise manipulation.

On the other hand, you can pray for help or ask your angels. That's what I would do.


Xan

Hi Belle,

Well, I am still relatively new on this site but I thought I'd answer your post. Yes, I have dealt with people with personality disorders before, including narcissistic personality disorder. I wasn't sure what your question is about -- is it along the lines of why you attract these folks? Or perhaps how to respond to them? Or maybe wanting support, in terms of what personality disorders are? All are very valid because personality disorders do tend to make us doubt ourselves when we are not feeling fully confident inside. I've been there. I lost money to a con artist once who was a narcissist, and it was a powerful lesson to me.

I think you might have to write off the money as a loss. Unless you pursue legal action, I don't think your friend is suddenly going to have a change of heart. If you find yourself hoping to change this person to help him see the error of his ways, it's probably not going to be very satisfying...

The key is to learn from this so that it doesn't keep happening. Consider the money as a sort of tuition in this thing called life. If it feels like people with personality disorders are all around you, it may be helpful to look at what in you has a need to keep helping them. Realistically, chances are your friend would have survived just fine without your cash. No starvation or being thrown out on the street would have happened, as narcissists tend to be very intelligent and able to survive. Just an observation that you may be wanting something in return when you give money like this, and if you know what it is, you can meet that need differently. And that is where the healing can start. So even if there are people with personality disorders around you, you won't be so vulnerable to being taken advantage of.

My experience was extremely valuable for me. I've never repeated it. And yes, I do understand personality disorders now on a much more personal level. It's just that now, I don't have to go do the whole dance with them. I understand it. And remember, it always takes two to tango -- whether if it is with your cash or your energy or your time...

Hope this helps.

[Sarian]

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[magonia]

Some of my family have personality disorders, and they are not nice to know.

[Belle]

orca - thanks for your message. Indeed my q wasn't clear as to what I wanted -there is the aspect of why I have (past tense) attracted those with personality disorders and also how to work with them / around them / out of them.

Regarding the money - did I hope for something in return? Possibly ongoing friendship if anything, I felt it was a seal on a commitment to each other. I live in hope that he will see the responsibility of paying me back, not so much for the money but more for his healing path, for his happiness, his emotional freedom. I also think the money will burn a hole in his pocket and it would be better for him to return it. But, I do need to check my motives for any manipulation on my behalf. Legal route would probably destroy me in the process, such is his intelligent turn of the word and ability to cut someone in pieces with three words.

I can see all too clearly how I have fed narcisstics and I think they are indeed attracted to my personality for some reason and I want to ensure that this ends.

The issue of taking two to tango is very key. I want to avoid existing patterns, I want to be kind but not in an unhealthy way and also I want to learn to recognise the behaviours.

What I've read about personality disorders is that they frequently stem from an unhappy childhood and therefore people as such deserve compassion and kindness. But I don't want to buy into a codependency which is where I think I've positioned myself in the past. But, it may well be that I'm not the person to walk beside them in any form which is fine.

Hi Belle,
Just my .02:

Sure, people with narcissistic personality disorder deserve compassion and kindness. But not in a way that allows them to take advantage of others. That would not be kind at all. It would be enabling, and that isn't really kind or compassionate to anyone in the long run. Not really.

Hoping that your friend sees the error of his ways for his own good spiritual probably isn't going to work. What if you can thank him (silently) for the lesson you've learned? If this keeps happening, what a wonderful way to change your energy.

It is good you are looking at your motivations on why you give to people who won't return it back. What might be the underlying feeling? To be loved and validated, perhaps? To rescue people for their own good? To save themselves from their own self destructive tendencies? Whatever it is, it is valuable info to understand... And then you can shift it. Can't do much shifting until you know what it is you want to shift..

Just my .02.

Orca

[Belle]

thank you orca

it's no longer about the money - at least 99% of the time, it's more about my energy that he holds onto whilst rejecting me as a person. That causes a disconnect and a malice - only as far as I let him have power over me and that is dwindling.

I have to hope tho - I have to have an optimism but i hold it within a realistic tennet.

And yes, I have searched long and hard as to my motives. I believe I was manipulated somewhat - well manipulated in several vibrational contexts - and I do have a lot to learn from this experience. I can see my mistakes alllllllll too well!