Personality disorders

[Belle]

Originally Posted by Silvergirl

Hi Belle. It can be tricky to disentangle one's self from relationships that end up seeming to suck all the enjoyment (and $$$!) out of you. I think real narcissists and advantage-takers look at you and I and see a mark - we look at them and see someone to feel sorry for, appeals to our image of ourselves as helpers, care-takers, compassionate ones. We just need to know who genuinely needs what we have to give (just not our money, or so much of it, lol).

I think that's really insightful, it appealed to my egoic need to be a rescuer, my need to be needed, and so on. Another personality disorder at stake perhaps, a codependency at its finest.

This friend went ballistic at me when my life took a downturn and I was no longer serving him and meeting his needs.

Sometimes compassion calls for tough love

Belle, you would need to be a qualified psychiatrist and carry out a series of diagnostic interviews over a period of time in order to diagnose such a complex disorder.

It really isn't appropriate to attempt to diagnose a person yourself, particularly under the circumstances that you are enquiring about (being owed money).

If you want your money back, you need to go through the proper channels - go to the police if he de-frauded you, or take out a civil case against him if there was no criminal activity.

Neither of these routes will be helped with any sort of diagnosis of him being ill. I'm finding it difficult to understand why you are asking about managing a suspected illness under these circumstances.

[Belle]

Hi - well the reasons for asking were multifarious. There was a position of compassion for starters - as such a personlity is derived from an unhappy childhood. If - and i emphasise the if as I do know I will never truly know - that he is narcisstic - then my heart does ache for him.

It was suggested to me at a very low point that he could be narcisstic and I wrote the post at a very low point - low and frustrated and despairing and also a point of deep fear. And if I go there in my head, I can pull myself to a very low and fearful point again. I've been hugely damaged by this individual - not just about the money - that is largely academic - it was a path I walked and I chose that path at that time.

I didn't realise that the diagnosis was so complex but thank you for advising me.

I did wonder if different personalities might flex around different behaviours and different methodologies - and whilst I do seek justice in this situ, it was about getting the justice in the best way possible. If that's the court, so be it. It was more about managing myself, stopping myself getting more hurt and damaged, getting the desired outcome in the best possible way, as well as in a way that might not damage him further should he have such a disorder.

I am sorry you find it difficult to understand why I asked the question - but I do have reasons but I'm probably not being so great at explaining. If that question was naive then there you go, I have learned and I am learning.

I didn't want the whole q to be about this scenario as there are other "suspected narcisstic" in my life, and hence the wider q comes along as to how to avoid, how to stop attracting, what to do for the best.

The advice is coming through pretty clear that not to get involved - and that is something I find interesting as it presses my buttons and internally I go "no". So that opens up the next chapter - and that's good as life is so progressive.

I'm hugely grateful for people's views, shared experiences and so on. It's an emotive topic for me, ultimately it doesn't matter and I'm learning to let go and I'm healing.

Thanks for your challenge, it's made me think very deeply.

(I'm still sad about it all tho - very very sad - less about the money which is just - money - but more about the betrayal, the disappointment, the end of the relatedness really - but hey. Onwards and upwards)

Originally Posted by Belle

the wider q comes along as to how to avoid, how to stop attracting, what to do for the best.

Thanks for your challenge, it's made me think very deeply.

(I'm still sad about it all tho - very very sad - less about the money which is just - money - but more about the betrayal, the disappointment, the end of the relatedness really - but hey. Onwards and upwards)

Thank you for accepting that the challenge was offered with the best intentions.

I feel that the wider question here is really what holds the key - that this is not about the other, but more about what makes you tick, what attracts you to them and what attracts them to you. It's about digging really deep and listening to the honest voice of your feelings (your desires and fears) and trusting what it says to be the reality of that moment.

With regards to the emotions, I feel that what you shared of your journey in the marrying the minds thread can be linked helpfully to the situations you are facing... http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/sh...ad.php?t=44012

All the best.

[Belle]

Indeed Meadows. Our own experience shapes our wisdom. Thank you for linking.

I'm looking ahead to a better life personally, richer for the experience.

[samantha]

Hi this is for Belle, have you heard of Sam Vankin? He is the author of Malignant Self Love which tells you all about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, he also has alot of videos on you tube explaining all the different ways the act and info about the victims. I found it pretty hard to understand at first so i googled Narcissistic Pesronality Disorder and found loads about it and also peoples experiences. I studied it a great deal as there is quite alot to know about it. As i was abused as a teen physically, mentally and emotionally for 5 years and as i said in a previous reply i grew a victim mentality and i was a magnet to messed up people, every man i met was not right and treated me badly. The thing was i didint relise this until recently but everytime i met someone for the first time i didnt have to even speak to that person and i knew that this person was not trust worthy but i didnt listen to my feelings and still went there and it proved right everytime. I used to say how can i possibly know what a person is like without even speaking to them but i realise know it was either my intuition or as a victim i could tell. At least i no now and i will not get roped in again by them.

[Belle]

Thank you samantha. Well done on breaking your pattern of abuse, I'm sorry you had such a hard time along the way as it sounds monstrous. i do believe tho that these cycles are repeated until you learn the lessons and so people like you are inspirational - to know that there is a future where you can be free of the similar scenarios.

[samantha]

Thanks belle! It has been an awful time and i suffered at the hands of messed up people for nearly 20 years and im suprised i have not ended up alot worse. I knew though it would get me one day and it did and was ill for 5 years but if i hadnt been i wouldnt know what i know now and i was actually led to it by sheer mistake. There was many times i questioned my own sanity and if i was doing something to deserve this unconsciously but i knew deep down i wasnt. They just pick certain people to pick on like the ones who are sensitive and introverted. Thing is im empathic as well and sensitive to energy so i always knew what they really ment and when they were lying. No matter what i would never get them back or even lower myself to their level.

[Belle]

You could be describing me samantha. Another co-conspiritor in such scenarios. I try to be optimistic about the stuff. Such amazing lessons - ok I would rather have learnt other ways. And yes 20 years or 30 years or so but it could have been 50 years, it might not have been learnt and I might (and indeed so might you - and others) still be there, still living that crazy and sad co-dependency.

Just a thought for celebration, in the midst of this discusssion.

[samantha]

Thats very true and im glad i found out. I learned alot too.