Attachment & Neediness vs. Surrender

[FairyCrystal]

Been going through quite something concerning these, still am as the process isn't done just yet.
Problems started when he began to get in touch less. Used to be daily, now it's more like every other day and I suspect I won't hear anything today, which will make it 2 days for the first time without contact.
I do not like it. First couple of times it freaked me out completely. Total panic. Then I managed to cope, but it was still coping. I still find it difficult. My vibration drops and rises again as soon as he gets in touch.
I know that isn't right, my vibration shouldn't hinge on what he does or doesn't do. And I was all over the place vibrationally, from fear, to emotional withdrawal to anger to planning to date someone else, to ending this relationship.
But I realized ending things won't help, my feelings won't change overnight. Dating someone won't help, because my heart wouldn't be in it, my heart is with my TF.
Then all the stuff I've learnt from dating gurus came seeping back in my mind...
- When he's not there, he doesn't exist. Which means: don't make him the center of your universe, do your own thing. Ties in with Abraham Hicks. And Freud too I suppose, haha.
- Don't give him your agenda! Similar sort of thing. It's about always being available or rearranging your plans to suit him. Again: do your own thing in life and if you already have plans, don't change them.

I also kept doing these meditations from Twinflame 1111 daily and the one I bought every week. Somehow I do feel they help.
I can now be calm, feel good, when he's not contacting me. Not all the time yet, I still wobble, but seems I'm getting there.
But then this calm feeling gets me off-kilter, because then I'm thinking "OMG is this right? Am I not feeling it for him anymore?"
Then I realized when things are okay, and you are empowered, this is how it feels. Isn't it? Not the panicky stressed out stuff that tenses your body, upsets your solar plexus, but just peace and calm inside.

Thinking about that, I realized it really is the scared ego that is causing all this upheaval all the time. When I feel 'me' and empowered, there is no panic. Then I know my worth, and if he doesn't meet it, he's not the one, TF or no. (Okay, that thought still makes me wobble, hihi).
So all it comes down to is soothing this ego part, hold a steady course myself, trusting all is well, with or without him.
Basically this fear and neediness that comes from it is restricting me, limiting me, clips my wings, and to be honest, I hate that feeling!
So I have to set myself free. Not from him, unless he gives me reason to, but from my own ego. My own ego is holding me prisoner and I really don't like it.

It all comes down to a lack of trust in myself. I do not trust that I can and will really end things if need be. That I got myself if things go wrong. Fear for the pain that will cause. Fear I will not be strong enough to stick to my own standards, which are to never ever settle for less than what I want and deserve. Because sometimes I feel I AM settling for less. But I also know you get what you exude, so I will first have to give myself what I deserve before I can expect another to do so.
But that fear is what makes me cling: if I get a commitment, more attention and validation, I do not need to be afraid about maybe not being able to end things, that I can handle myself no matter what happens. In short: I do not have to trust myself when I get from him what my scared ego wants. So by not giving me what my ego wants -e.g. by not getting in touch so often anymore-, he gives me exactly what I need to grow. I still don't like it though, haha. It doesn't feel comfy to have my ego kicking and screaming and panicking. Now I have to deal with it, grmble... LOL.

I knew all this, but for the first time I feel I am actually getting somewhere with this. Something is changing, I am growing. I still have to spend a big part of the day on all this. Meditating, thinking, analysing, Abraham Hicks-ing, all to raise my vibration when it drops.
But I feel all this work is beginning to pay off. I likely still have a ways to go, but this really is the first time I'm beginning to feel I am making progress with it.
I so want this thing that I've been longing for for years, and what I put in my vortex: a relationship with a man who's got his own thing going for him in life, who isn't dependent on me, so I can be free too. Standing next to each other as partners, connected yet free. Committed yet free.
I did find such a man, but then I let my own ego take my freedom from me.
I do want a commitment, which at the mo is what is upsetting me with him. And hearing less from him makes me afraid that he's not feeling it anymore for me. But since everything is a reflection of me, mirrored, it means I am not committing to myself. Which is true since I give my power away.
Hmm... I think I'm going to spend some time today trying to kill my ego, haha. Nah. But some inner child work wouldn't go amiss.
ANd when I see him Wednesday next, I will find out why exactly he's getting in touch less.
Thanks for listening.

[A human Being]

I love your honesty and self-awareness, it seems you're very aware of what's going on inside you and the issues that are coming up

Just on this:

I know that isn't right, my vibration shouldn't hinge on what he does or doesn't do.

I understand you thinking of it in those terms because I do it myself (I'm like you, I'm my own worst critic), but don't think of it in terms of right and wrong, should and shouldn't - think of it in terms of what IS, free of judgment and aversion. We tend to be so identified - generally unconsciously - with the sensations, thoughts, fears, etc. we perceive that to say a certain thought or action is 'bad', for example, is effectively to say that we are bad - though of course in reality our true nature isn't defined by any of these things.

So become aware of what you're feeling without applying any label to it and hold your attention there, don't let it drift into thinking; if you're feeling any tightness in your body (it might be in your abdomen, say, or your solar plexus), bring your attention to the specific area, relax, and breathe into it, allow it to expand.

(Something I've found very useful if I'm feeling anxiety is breath control, the key to which in my own experience is to make sure you've released any resistance before you take the in-breath [if I breathe when my body's tense, my breathing becomes strained and the tension stays right where it is]. After I've released the tension, I breathe slowly and deeply, in through the nose and out through the mouth. Just something I thought I'd mention.)

[kerrybear]

Thanks for this - it is what I need to hear and need to remember at the moment. I agree with A human Being - you seem very self aware, which, in my opinion, is half the battle conquered. Being able to separate what comes from ego and what doesn't.

[FairyCrystal]

@ Human Being, thank you. As for the breathing, I still have to try that. I am not keen on breathing exercises though. I tend to flip when I do those, close to hyperventilating. I usually prefer to not focus on breathing at all, hihi. I did manage Kundalini exercises a while back which is all breathing. I was so proud I managed to pull it off, lol, so I'll give this a whirl too.
Would you just breathe to the Solar Plexus or also visualize what you have to let go of / try to get clear what it is you have to let go of?

[FairyCrystal]

@ Kerrybear, you're welcome, glad it helped you!
And yes, insight is a good first step!
If you want some more insight and wisdom, check out this Abraham Hicks clip. I stumbled upon it few days back -what a coincidence, hihi- and it's great! Esp some 8-10 minutes in, but I'd listen to the entire thing to get the gist of it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-d7RKb3NfPM&t=901s

[FairyCrystal]

Oh, also... found this little book on relationship, love, and luck by Christiane Beerlandt. Also happened upon that, didn't know she'd written it (I know other more well-known books by her, never seen this one before. Really funny how I keep 'stumbling upon' things at the mo that can help me along. I must be doing something right, haha.

Anyhow, I haven't got it in yet, but it says something like "Get into a state of pure joy with yourself. Only then can you experience pure joy with another. A relationship is giving, not demanding or asking. Don't yearn for a partner, don't want to 'have' a partner, but 'be' a partner for the other."

I thought that was so profound. So simple, yet so difficult. And isn't this what it is all about? Self-love, trusting, surrendering, knowing all is well. Not expecting, needing, and so on.
But it's so hard. E.g. I want to spend Christmas with him, but not sure it's going to happen. Can I then not ask or tell I want that? Is that being needy?
According to that profound statement I shouldn't ask, shouldn't mention it, but just go with the flow, trust and see what happens.
Wonderful. How do I make plans? And I know my ego isn't going to be happy about that, grmble...
Isn't there a middle road for stuff like that?

[psychegrl]

I've been thinking about posting something like this recently. Especially the last week where it was like going through a frigging meat grinder.

I was triggered in ways I hadn't been in an entire year. I'm not sure if it's because I'm now talking about it openly or there has been some kind of change occurring in my process.

My ego and attachments have been displaying their ugly heads for me to reevaluate.... and it really sucks. I'm better but there was a few days I just wanted to take the blue pill and go back inside the Matrix. Lol...

Abraham Hicks really helped me find a balance and sift through what my priorities are. There's a lot of distractions that we think it's important but really they're just a new manifestations of old cycles. Being aware is so challenging sometime. Especially when you thought you were done with that part of your healing. Ugh

Just who am I in all this?

♡

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

@ Human Being, thank you. As for the breathing, I still have to try that. I am not keen on breathing exercises though. I tend to flip when I do those, close to hyperventilating. I usually prefer to not focus on breathing at all, hihi. I did manage Kundalini exercises a while back which is all breathing. I was so proud I managed to pull it off, lol, so I'll give this a whirl too.
Would you just breathe to the Solar Plexus or also visualize what you have to let go of / try to get clear what it is you have to let go of?

I watched a Shinzen Young video recently in which he said that 30% of people really struggle with observing their breath because they can't let go of trying to control it, and I instantly thought, 'Yep, that's me!' Sounds like it might be you, too, which wouldn't surprise me because it appears we're similar people in certain respects - what I found worked for me was to make my body my primary focus and my breath secondary, I find it more useful to think of it in terms of allowing my body to breathe.

On visualising - that was never my strong point, I'm more of a feeling-type person and I've always kinda sucked at visualising tbh But if you find it works for you, go for it

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

Oh, also... found this little book on relationship, love, and luck by Christiane Beerlandt. Also happened upon that, didn't know she'd written it (I know other more well-known books by her, never seen this one before. Really funny how I keep 'stumbling upon' things at the mo that can help me along. I must be doing something right, haha.

Anyhow, I haven't got it in yet, but it says something like "Get into a state of pure joy with yourself. Only then can you experience pure joy with another. A relationship is giving, not demanding or asking. Don't yearn for a partner, don't want to 'have' a partner, but 'be' a partner for the other."

I thought that was so profound. So simple, yet so difficult. And isn't this what it is all about? Self-love, trusting, surrendering, knowing all is well. Not expecting, needing, and so on.
But it's so hard. E.g. I want to spend Christmas with him, but not sure it's going to happen. Can I then not ask or tell I want that? Is that being needy?
According to that profound statement I shouldn't ask, shouldn't mention it, but just go with the flow, trust and see what happens.
Wonderful. How do I make plans? And I know my ego isn't going to be happy about that, grmble...
Isn't there a middle road for stuff like that?

I love that quote, so true I'm currently single and there are times when I do find myself yearning for a relationship, and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing - we're creatures of desire, after all, and I think what most of us desire above all else is real intimacy, so in a sense it's only natural (we're often also simultaneously deathly afraid of real intimacy, basically I think because we're afraid of being seen for the person we imagine ourselves to be, deep down). At the same time I don't want to go into a relationship looking for another person to complete me and ending up hopelessly attached again, because I've been down that road before and I know how incredibly painful it can be (and the more dysfunctional you are, the more painful it tends to be). So that's where I'm at, at the moment, looking to get into a state of pure joy with myself :)

As for whether you should mention wanting to spend Christmas with him - I know it sounds corny, but honestly, listen to your heart. Find that still, quiet place inside that's beyond all the doubts and fears - trust that, that's where you'll find your answer

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by psychegrl

I've been thinking about posting something like this recently. Especially the last week where it was like going through a frigging meat grinder.

I was triggered in ways I hadn't been in an entire year. I'm not sure if it's because I'm now talking about it openly or there has been some kind of change occurring in my process.

My ego and attachments have been displaying their ugly heads for me to reevaluate.... and it really sucks. I'm better but there was a few days I just wanted to take the blue pill and go back inside the Matrix. Lol...

Abraham Hicks really helped me find a balance and sift through what my priorities are. There's a lot of distractions that we think it's important but really they're just a new manifestations of old cycles. Being aware is so challenging sometime. Especially when you thought you were done with that part of your healing. Ugh

Oh dear... if it's any consolation I can relate, and I'm sure many others can, too - triggering's never fun, there's just no way around that unfortunately! Looking at the bigger picture, though, it's an opportunity to release issues that might have been trapped in your subconscious for years or even decades, things that might well have been holding you back and making you unhappy (manifestations of old cycles, as you say). And you're right, it can be extremely challenging to be aware and not just get sucked back into the old reactive patterns, especially when you are being triggered - for me personally, I find it so important to bring my attention into my body and what I'm feeling, and to simply relax and breathe (most people would benefit from a formal mindfulness practice, I think, because we tend to spend so much time lost in thought).

Just who am I in all this?

That's the 64,000 dollar question I like Ramana Maharshi's take on it: 'Let what comes come, let what goes, go; you are what remains'. The obvious question being, of course, 'Well, what remains?' And in order to know the answer, you have to consciously be the answer.