So This Happened...

[SierraNevadaStar]

My 8 year-old son became suddenly and critically ill around the commencement of this past spring. Unexpectedly, we were all whisked away from our home for what turned out to be 3 1/2 months while he stayed in the hospital. He nearly died and I saw/heard some awful and heartbreaking things while he stayed in the second of what would be three hospitals in-total during this ordeal. He had two major surgeries. The doctors still do not know what caused his condition as all diagnostic tests have come back clear (though we are still waiting on some genetic testing results. Somehow, I've a feeling those will come back clear as well.)

There were many issues with several of the staff and some of the care he received while in the second hospital; I figure it is my duty to report it at some point, but that gets to wait until I've reacquainted myself with my former life and can find the time. However, it was a remarkable surgeon in this same hospital who performed two life-saving surgeries on my son and I will forever be grateful to this man for that.

We only returned home yesterday - all three of us and to stay. It feels odd being here again - almost surreal. My son is absolutely ecstatic to be home (naturally), but I just feel - well I guess I am going to have to have some additional counselling from what I had received on-site during his stay in the hospitals. I know I have got PTSD for the fourth time in my life. I'm also tired, am hurting on multiple levels, and am feeling somewhat disoriented and overwhelmed by what needs doing housework-wise (among other things). My husband and I had finally travelled home a few nights ago for several hours, to clean as much as we could beforehand since we had a good idea as to when our son's discharge would be, but we did not get everything done (I was to start my spring-cleaning the same week this ordeal kicked off!). There is alsp a lot of unpacking to do as well. My own health has suffered immensely through all this and I have to, somehow, pick up the pieces of my own body in the midst of coping with all else.

I feel guilty because of times in the past when I was giving attention to less important people - or things - when I should have been spending time with my child. I feel further guilty that this crisis has made me feel even more discontent and annoyed with his father and wanting to leave my marriage (but I have been wanting to leave for years prior to this). I worry that, due to my son's health concerns, it won't ever be practical to move back to America (where I am from) since healthcare is not free there like it is here in England. I have not been happy living in England - ever. Perhaops I sound ungrateful having said that, considering all that is happened and I suppose I feel guilty for that too. While we were away, I did miss my home here, but I pined more for my truer home back in the mountains of California.

My son now has to have routine blood tests a couple of times per week as well as abdominal scans which will space out as time progresses and as long as his recovery holds. He has to have medicines administered to him a few times a day. One of these is a painful injection given nightly (they coached us on how to do during the week prior to his discharge) as and when he needs it (such as currently). I hate having to do this to him. God, I do. I have to tell myself it is a 'precaution,' a 'preventative,' because, again, they don't know what caused him to become so ill in the first place.

That's the other thing...It feels like things are not 'safe' anymore, not 'secure' as they had been through all this. I've always loved and protected my son fiercely and then this horrible thing happened and I almost lost him. I worry I still could at some point in the future.

In this post, I am not sharing what went awry with his health, but if anyone wants to know I am willing to share it. I just don't feel it is necessary for the original post - or maybe, subconsciously, I just do not wish to go back 'there' again. I'm not sure.

I am not the same person as I was when I left behind my home and life here in March - and neither is my son. He has since learned how to truly cry, how to truly be scared and that life is not so innocuous, not so innocent after all. It breaks my heart.

Thanks for reading and caring.

[linen53]

You have many wounds from this horrible ordeal.

The ground under you has been ripped out and thrown away. Nothing is certain. Nothing can be taken for granted.

I can remember every 'dark night of the soul' I have been through. I believe you are experiencing one at this time. They are intense learning experiences. Hold off on the judgements, let yourself breathe again. Right now you are numb from all of the emotional turmoil, but when the emotions come crashing back in full force it will be very painful. Just take it one day at a time. There were times when I couldn't even consider a whole day. I segmented the day into seconds, minutes and hours. The emotional pain was just so intense.

You will get through this. It's important you don't grow bitter or disheartened. Take care of yourself. Learn to love yourself unconditionally. Forgive yourself.

I always say 'I did the best I could with the information I had back then. Then is not now. Now I would have done differently.

This is your path. This is the lessons you came here to learn. So open your heart and be honest with yourself. Take responsibility for what you have done wrong and lovingly give yourself a hug. I mean seriously, give yourself a hug. You'd be surprised at how good it feels.

And please don't 'should' on yourself (I should have _______.) You have a different set of priorities than you did last March. Can't compare the past with the present. We can only keep moving forward and apply the lessons we learn in life.

No, you don't want to come back to the States. I was paying $1,200 a month for insurance until June. Now thankfully I am on Medicare as of tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow July 1st I am signed up for Medicare. Finally. Insurance is insane here.

I can't even begin to know what you're going through, life thrown into utter turmoil and the Sword of Damocles hanging over...hopefully not forever but it's how it is now. And as linen53 says you'll get the strength to get through even if only for your son who needs you and hubby more than ever, always being his anchor and reassurance.

There's no more that I can say that linin53 hasn't already said especially about taking care of yourself for it's on you (and hubby) that so much rests.
All the best and hope you get respite soon,
L
:hug;

[Compendium]

Linen covered most of it, but there are a few things I would like to add.

Dont do the hindsight thing with the what ifs or could haves. What happened is now in the past leave it there hun. I almost lost my son 4 times and it was my sheer will that made doctors listen to me in several cases. I know the instability it causes. Please have faith your son will be okay. That held me together through it all is the faith that I would not choose the for my life path as I know what I can and cannot handle. It is going to take time to heal and get your feet steady again and that is okay it is normal and natural.

Dont be a guilty parent is my motto and what it means is you are entitled to your emotions by allowing those emotions in you are allowing yourself to heal. Everything in this life happens for a reason and considering the state of our healthcare here your son would not be so well off and on the road to recovery.

With everything else sweety give it up to your higherself what is meant to be will happen and your higherself will make it happen when the time is right. :)

With Love
Comp.