Self-hate turns into eating disorder

How can I help myself? i need to get rid of this programming, how to eat and what to eat and counting calories and ...
I think i don't respect my body as a temple, i feel so [Edited by Staff/Swear Word] why me and why I have to deal with it? I am not self-pitying myself, just eating disorder shatters the soul as far as i know

I have no idea if people really accepted me or not, i have been all my life in a mess and i don't know really nothing.
It all happened when I really started to destroy myself for what I have done. My parents rejected me, my brother died, my crush hated me and I thought that they rejected me because how I look. Maybe I am a little chubbier, so what? Don't I deserve a place under the sun?
I cried for weeks and weeks, went to the therapist, but i was too cleaver and I outsmart her. So I only went to therapy few months, when i was a teenager.

But the old programming is still with me, can't get rid of it. Eating disorders are mental disorders, cause we also hear voices, voices what say don't eat, starve yourself, you are prettier when you are skinnier, you don't need food, you don't like food, you should work out more.

I spend 3-4 hours every day exercising. Started with cycling, got home and eat, I eat a little bowl of cereals in 15 minutes, to the point where i didn't even feel the taste in my mouth, i was such a slow eater. i think it made me believe that i have a lot to eat. it may sound funny for you, but i am not the only one who has suffered it or who suffers it...i am just ready and opened to talk about it, to discuss it, to bring it out, most of the cases people are ashamed or feel embarrassed. I am not cuz I need to get rid of it. i hope you understand.

then i went to swimming, went back, ate, after read a book, but my memory was so poor and later in the evening, went jogging.

Ate about 800 calories a day.

Things got hard after 3th month, i started passing out. one night i even went into the hospital, felt so sick, felt like i was going to die, when i got home, i continued my unhealthy lifestyle

Didn't know how exactly i got it, but i know that i felt rejected, abandoned and i just decided that it has to do with how i look otherwise people wouldn't leave me, but i guess i was wrong, later i understood that it wasn't me and it wasn't my problems at all, it was theirs, nothing to do with me, i took it so personally, my self-hate took over and got myself a bunch of health problems
it weakened my heart muscle, i have a very bad circulation, stomach problems, i feel constantly cold, poor immune system etc etc


Can you help me please
can I recover?


thanks xoxo