Need healing from difficult emotional event

astralwanderer · #1 24-10-2017, 11:38 PM

18 months ago, after 32 years of marriage, my mom moved out of my parents’ house one day while my dad was at work and had him served with divorce papers.

Is my whole life a scam because she never loved my dad and cheated on him the entire time they were married? Because I was never a daughter but merely the object onto which she projected her fears and failures and insecurities?

Will my hatred of her continue to metastasize until it consumes and controls me? It is a cancer, and I want it out. I have been saying that I don’t hate her. I have tried not to hate her. But I do. I do, and it is going to destroy me.

Some things she did to me I’ll never be able to forgive. I don’t speak to her but I’d like to just move on from this and not hang on to the hate. I will think I’m doi g okay, or doing better, and then it starts again. It’s like one step forward and two steps back.

Native spirit · #2 25-10-2017, 03:41 AM

I can relate to how you feel about your mother.as i hated my mother also but she also hated me. i have siblings my brother was her favorite then my younger sister,then my eldest sister i was bottom of the pile.
my mother has passed now and i feel nothing towards her. she is not worth my feeling anything towards her. in time you will come to understand this as you will feel the same towards your mother,

Namaste

Silver · #3 25-10-2017, 06:09 AM

Whoah, that is a lot of hate.

Astralwanderer, I don't know how your life could be a scam, since this is all about what your mom did. You aren't your mother, so that doesn't compute to me, anyway. I believe the more people grow and mature, the less useful hatred is. It's natural to be angered and outraged at some of the things that are done to us as young ones. Sometimes we have to hold them at arm's length. I hope you'll hold on to the instincts to not hate her. Hate is the cancer. We don't have to approve of what they do - acceptance is the beginning of your own personal power to listen (if they talk to you) and understand more deeply about Life. My heart goes out to you for having to go through this pain.

Nature Grows · #4 25-10-2017, 08:51 AM

Hello Astralwanderer, is your whole life a scam? no, not unless you count your whole life as being your parents relationships i guess, but thats not your whole life right? theres more to your life then what your parents got up to, yea?

Anyway you don't have to forgive her at all, try looking at it like this, whatever she done or said to you had nothing to do with you, there's nothing to forgive her for because her attacks on you where never even about you. Yes what she done might not have been nice at all, but still it was just her throwing her anger, confusion, sadness, hurt, judgemental ways or whatever it may have been in your direction and onto you, the issues lied with her and not with you, you where just there receiving/witnessing her unhappiness, but it wasn't about you so theres nothing to forgive her for, your free from that burden.

Self Love can help you, being kind an gentle to yourself, being there for yourself like your own best friend, you could talk to others aswell, i guess thats what your doing here.

I thought it was good the way you said, "I have been saying that I don’t hate her. I have tried not to hate her. But I do. I do, and it is going to destroy me." this is good honesty, instead of trying to suppress your hatred and act like your ok when your not, this is much more healthier, it's only your ego or someone else's ego that will tell you, you shouldn't feel a certain way about something. If your not able to relax yourself and just be with these feelings of hate and anger as they pass through you like clouds then find an outlet for them, maybe some frantic dancing, write a hateful letter (you don't need to mail it though, lol) a song, art, scream, yell, smash something. If you feel like the hurt wants to come out, wants to be expressed then let it out, it's the same deal when people cry, it's an expression, its a release of pain, its healing an its ok.

This is what i have to say at the moment, all the best Astral.

Silver · #5 25-10-2017, 03:43 PM

Fwiw, that was really well-said, Nature Grows.

astralwanderer · #6 25-10-2017, 04:54 PM

Native spirit – I’m sorry you went through what sounds like a similar experience. I had one brother, and he was definitely my mother’s favorite, and this was obvious to people even outside the family. Strangely, though, I do not begrudge her that one detail, even though I, as a mother myself, cannot fathom feeling differently for one child than the other.

Silver – I agree that hate is a cancer…wholeheartedly! That is why I am trying so hard to eradicate it from inside of me.

Nature Grows – thank you for that insight. Although there are plenty of things she has done that do require forgiveness, I suppose her behavior towards me growing up is not one of them. I was older and out of the house before I realized that it was projection and nothing I deserved. It still hurt, but I do feel that now that I have recognized it for what it was, I did recover from it.

It is also interesting that you said to write a hateful letter. Lately, I’ve been thinking of maybe keeping a journal where I write down the things I’d like to say to her. These thoughts always come to me at night, and I think it would be a lot better to write them down, so that maybe if I get the thoughts out, I won’t have to continue rethinking them every night.

This time in my life has been incredibly detrimental to my meditation practice. I have not been able to properly meditate in m o n t h s. Thank you all for your suggestions and encouragement and advice, and I am optimistic that I can get my third eye open again…

Nature Grows · #7 25-10-2017, 10:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Silver

Fwiw, that was really well-said, Nature Grows.

Thanks Sliver.

Quote:

Originally Posted by astralwanderer

Nature Grows – thank you for that insight. Although there are plenty of things she has done that do require forgiveness, I suppose her behavior towards me growing up is not one of them. I was older and out of the house before I realized that it was projection and nothing I deserved. It still hurt, but I do feel that now that I have recognized it for what it was, I did recover from it.

It is also interesting that you said to write a hateful letter. Lately, I’ve been thinking of maybe keeping a journal where I write down the things I’d like to say to her. These thoughts always come to me at night, and I think it would be a lot better to write them down, so that maybe if I get the thoughts out, I won’t have to continue rethinking them every night.

This time in my life has been incredibly detrimental to my meditation practice. I have not been able to properly meditate in m o n t h s.

If you can forgive her that's good, what i said was just another way of looking at it which makes forgiving her unnecessary, you don't have to feel bad about finding it hard to forgive her or not wanting to, because theres no need to forgive her anyway.

Yea get a journal, you may find it helpful.

Meditation is good too, Peace.

srirama123 · #8 08-11-2017, 11:12 AM

Hii
There are some ways to heal your problem such as
Acknowledge and recognize the trauma for what it is.
Reclaim control.
Seek support and don’t isolate yourself. etc

Golden Eagle · #9 08-11-2017, 10:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by astralwanderer

18 months ago, after 32 years of marriage, my mom moved out of my parents’ house one day while my dad was at work and had him served with divorce papers.

Is my whole life a scam because she never loved my dad and cheated on him the entire time they were married? Because I was never a daughter but merely the object onto which she projected her fears and failures and insecurities?

Will my hatred of her continue to metastasize until it consumes and controls me? It is a cancer, and I want it out. I have been saying that I don’t hate her. I have tried not to hate her. But I do. I do, and it is going to destroy me.

Some things she did to me I’ll never be able to forgive. I don’t speak to her but I’d like to just move on from this and not hang on to the hate. I will think I’m doi g okay, or doing better, and then it starts again. It’s like one step forward and two steps back.

You "hate" the ego-persona of your mother ....... not all that unusual ~! What is too like about it?

What is disturbing anywhere and everywhere is ....... ego-persona! It is that which devours us ...... and is quite like a Cancer, yet a contagious one!

That is what you need to UPROOT within your own Consciousness ....... Would suggest Eckart Tolle "The Power Of Now" and A Course In Miracles

On a good note ...... how fortunate for your dad! After the shell shock wears off , he will benefit most of all to be rid of her, as she has gotten lost in illusions-delusions ~ Do not join her there!

astralwanderer · #10 09-11-2017, 06:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Golden Eagle

she has gotten lost in illusions-delusions ~ Do not join her there!

This is very wise advice, and I needed to hear it in those words. Thank you, Golden Eagle.

As for my dad, he is happier than he has been in years. He is doing great, and I think the general consensus from he and my brother and myself is that we are all pretty relieved not to have her negative presence hovering over us anymore.