I don't Want to Get Married nor Have Children

[psychoslice]

I have never wanted to have children or be married, and I am happy that I never did, you don't need to do these things, there's enough out there already doing it.

[Joseph123]

The other thing that I have come to realize is that the notion of "family" is quite socially constructed. Most people in my family I would want to never have anything to do with, even have a conversation, were there not a societal obligation to do so because we are in the same family. One can have relationships of all depths with anyone else in this world and biological relation is utterly illusionary.

I very much like children and am in awe of the "inner child" concept. That being said, I can perfectly well enjoy the light of the children in the world around me or those of friends of my nieces/nephews and the like, without the need to "posses" a child of my own, as though he or she were a pet or some such.

[twinkle]

There are online dating sites which you can be matched with people not looking to get married or have children. For health reasons, not all women can have children.

Originally Posted by Joseph123

I believe that I have decided that I do not want to get married nor have children. I feel that my intuition is leading me in that direction and that that path is what is appropriate for me in this life.

However, this raises another concern with me. There is a very particular type of personality that I like in a woman - kind, caring, compassionate, outgoing, friendly, talkative, affectionate, bubbly. I fear that any woman with the aforementioned traits would very much want to have children. I further fear that any woman who does not want to have children is of that position because she lacks characteristics that one might refer to as being "maternal," which happen to align with those traits to which I referred previously.

If what I just described is accurate, do you think that, if I were to enter a relationship with a woman with the personality that I like, she might end the relationship when she discovers that I do not want to have children? Since it seems that a lot of women are dating in order to find a woman with whom to eventually have children, would it be unethical of me to not inform her fairly soon of my intentions, such that she does not waste her time?


Thanks

I'd just casually bring it up in our very first conversation just to give her the short's on the type of person I am and if she felt the same or not I'd simply ask her in the moment.

I'd rather she know and respect that about me straight of the bat rather than going blindly into a relationship we may both lose love for if the matter were to arise further down the track and the feeling wasn't mutual.

Especially if I felt deeply about it.

those are my thought's.

For myself, I'd loved to get married and have hundred's of children, even hundred's is an understatement, I'd happily over populate the entire universe with my off spring if I could...now that a lot of messy butt's to wipe's but I'd be ever the budding dad, I can't help but adore them.

[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by Joseph123

I used to be obsessed with finding a romantic partner and with having children. I never had any sort of a family when I was a boy and therefore sought to create my own.

I think that, for me, in this lifetime, my decision is best. Perhaps the most accurate indication of the fact that the decision was the proper one for me is that I have felt absolutely wonderful since having arrived at this position. It feels as though all of the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders.

I feel as though I am now able to better interact with romantic partners and potential partners. Beneath the surface, I think that many people view dating as a means to an end. They are on a mission, to find a spouse and someone with whom to have a child. As a person with a lot of issues with regard to gender relations, I am now able to approach relationships with women without some sort of a perverse goal in the back of my mind: I will enjoy my dinner with you this evening because I enjoy your company and, if we mutually enjoy each other enough, let us spend time together like this for as long as possible; without any conditions nor labels nor expectations.

I do not mean to give the impression that I do not want a long-term and committed relationship with a woman because I certainly do. I am very much a "one-woman man."

First...I do agree with a lot of what you say...no one wants to be a means to an end. People come as they are, as whole packages, and not as bits and pieces or items off a checklist.

I also understand you when you say that you must be completely open and free of expectation with regard to things and outcomes. I think it's fine and good to have expectations regarding behaviour and character. But having said that...if you move forward with anyone, you will be far past the just enjoying her company over dinner. Presumably you'll expect her heart, her attention, her devotion and fidelity, her availability, etc.

Ask yourself a few questions...are you as free of expectations as you expect your partner to be? You do have some..you expect her to have no long-term expectations or plans for your future as far as marriage and children. These are very stringent expectations to put on another for a lifetime, at least equally stringent to any expectation of commitment (formal commitment) and/or children.

What if, over time, the woman you love felt the need to formalise your long-standing arrangement? Would you rather leave, or have her leave, rather than compromise on your position?

Also...Twinkle mentioned some women can't have children, which is true. But most can. Would an unplanned pregnancy be a deal-breaker? Would you expect her to abort the child or give it up? If she wasn't comfortable with this, would you need to end the relationship rather than compromise on your stance? I take you would not consider single mums, is that right? Hopefully the woman of your dreams is not one of those

I think you are doing a great thing, to try to work through where you stand on these issues and get to know yourself better.

But I also think that broadly speaking, the live-in situation you describe is one that most women don't have time for (or have much less time for) as they get past their 20s.
Whenever they are ready & meet the right person, women often do want a formal commitment &/or children. Not all, but on average, yes.
Because it's not all about the sex and we can get our companionship needs met just fine without intimacy.
More and more, that is only for someone we truly love and are deeply committed to on many levels.

I also think that having a requirement of no marriage and no children are huge expectations to maintain without change or compromise over the course of a lifetime, and that, in the main, you may be hard pressed to find a woman who consistently meets these requirements over a lifetime.
Certainly, to meet your requirements, you will need a childless woman (who often still wants marriage & fam) or else a woman whose children have grown and are out of the home

However, if you are looking for a woman you love and are compatible with at the soul level...isn't that really the main thing?
If you are lucky enough to find her, you will then be able to assess how you really feel about these rather strict standards you've set for yourself...
and who knows? You may find that you can relax them a bit

Peace & blessings,
7L

I've been told I'm very nurturing and maternal yet I do not foresee a future for me with children in it. You just have to find the right person, I suppose.

I have to put this womans point of view regarding not wanting children.
I have never ever wanted children.
I have never ever felt broody or any maternal feelings as far as wanting children is concerned.
This did not stop me finding a loving, kind, affectionate man to marry.
He would have loved children as well.
I will say that I was always honest about not wanting children, and he accepted this, even though his large family thought I would "change once I had I of my own".
I never did, and now as I am older happy that I didn't.
My husband did say to me that he came to realise that I would be the wrong person to have them with, and he was ok about that.
I know my husband was a much loved man both by male friend as well as female. He was probably a much nicer person than I was at that time.
He is no longer with us but that is by the by.

I would say to you, look for some1 to be with, and love cos "in love" and "feel loved" are nice experiences and they make us stronger emotionally.
As long as you are honest and explain your feelings in a nice way, as opposed to a harsh abrupt way, you might be lucky like me, and find some1 special, like I did.
Good Luck, and be happy in love xx

[Wandering_Star]

Originally Posted by Joseph123

I believe that I have decided that I do not want to get married nor have children. I feel that my intuition is leading me in that direction and that that path is what is appropriate for me in this life.

I'm a 46-year-old woman, and knew I didn't want to be a mother by the time I was seven. In fact, I knew, deep down, that I was not meant to be a mother, and that if I married it would only happen late in life. In the meantime, I had other things to do, and I needed to have the freedom to do them.

However, this raises another concern with me. There is a very particular type of personality that I like in a woman - kind, caring, compassionate, outgoing, friendly, talkative, affectionate, bubbly. I fear that any woman with the aforementioned traits would very much want to have children. I further fear that any woman who does not want to have children is of that position because she lacks characteristics that one might refer to as being "maternal," which happen to align with those traits to which I referred previously.

First, the desire to have children is not linked to a set of personality traits. Shy, quiet, reserved women have very much wanted children, and there are bubbly, outgoing, talkative women who think kids would cramp their style. The woman you are looking for exists, somewhere.

Second, you're afraid that the kind of woman who doesn't want kids will lack the caring, kind, "maternal" personality you seek. Keep in mind that this can work both ways--you may meet your bubbly, friendly, childfree woman, and she may very well reject you because you don't want to get married. She might be afraid that your lack of desire to formalize your relationship through marriage would indicate a lack of steadfastness and commitment on your part. Not wanting kids and not wanting to marry are two separate issues.

...do you think that, if I were to enter a relationship with a woman with the personality that I like, she might end the relationship when she discovers that I do not want to have children?

Only if she actually wants children. And since the desire to have kids is a huge issue in a relationship, and disagreement on that issue tends to be a deal-breaker, I think it would be a very good idea to make your lack of desire for kids known from the start--before it turns into a full-blown relationship. I honestly think it's one of those things that should be brought up as soon as possible. I've told men I didn't want kids on the very first, informal coffee date. I've also turned down dates with nice, attractive single dads because I knew I didn't want to end up a stepmom. It's too big of an issue to let it wait.

If you're using online dating sites, you can state that preference in your profile, and search for women with no kids and no desire for them. But don't waste your time--or theirs--establishing a relationship and then bringing the issue up. Make it known from the start.

Since it seems that a lot of women are dating in order to find a woman with whom to eventually have children, would it be unethical of me to not inform her fairly soon of my intentions,

Yes. Don't waste her time or yours. Also, you're not going to convert each other. If she really wants kids, and yet for some reason stays with you, the desire for kids hasn't gone away--and you're not going to convince her she doesn't really want them. Eventually, the relationship will blow up, or you'll end up a father anyway, or both.

[amylou]

Originally Posted by Joseph123

I believe that I have decided that I do not want to get married nor have children. I feel that my intuition is leading me in that direction and that that path is what is appropriate for me in this life.

However, this raises another concern with me. There is a very particular type of personality that I like in a woman - kind, caring, compassionate, outgoing, friendly, talkative, affectionate, bubbly. I fear that any woman with the aforementioned traits would very much want to have children. I further fear that any woman who does not want to have children is of that position because she lacks characteristics that one might refer to as being "maternal," which happen to align with those traits to which I referred previously.

If what I just described is accurate, do you think that, if I were to enter a relationship with a woman with the personality that I like, she might end the relationship when she discovers that I do not want to have children? Since it seems that a lot of women are dating in order to find a woman with whom to eventually have children, would it be unethical of me to not inform her fairly soon of my intentions, such that she does not waste her time?


Thanks

I have decided to not have children in this life and I am definitely a great person who is caring, affectionate, compassionate, and friendly. The others.. I'll admit that I am not because I'm just so introverted! But there isn't anything wrong with that. Anyway, my point is that not all women who don't want children are evil wenches. My aunt also decided to never have children and she is a wonderful and beautiful lady. I take after her quite a lot in mannerisms and looks. Nothing wrong with not wanting kids. My reason is because I just haven't even wanted them. I don't like the idea of them. I don't feel like I was meant to have them.

[jenriggs]

Well I have almost all of the characterists (so-so bubbly at times) and I don't want children. I also believ I would be a great mom, but am just not into kids much. I love taking care of people and animals, so I know I have the motherly instinct.