My past has come back to haunt me.

[TheDivineOne]

I was 9 or 10 years old at the time. My mom and I had a pet guinea pig. I mistreated it so bad. Thank goodness I didn't kill it but I could have. The ways i abused and mistreated it keeps playing in my mind. At the time, it never registered in my mind that i was hurting her, causing her pain.

This is killing me. I'm hurting. Thinking about guinea pigs make me cry. Remembering these things make me cry.

But i feel like i deserve to hurt. I don't know if i can ever heal past this. I don't know if i want to because of how much i hurt it. I'm afraid to own anymore guinea pigs. What if it dies and it's not my fault? That would kill me inside. I don't know how i could ever move past this.

[Akc1213]

Originally Posted by TheDivineOne

I was 9 or 10 years old at the time. My mom and I had a pet guinea pig. I mistreated it so bad. Thank goodness I didn't kill it but I could have. The ways i abused and mistreated it keeps playing in my mind. At the time, it never registered in my mind that i was hurting her, causing her pain.

This is killing me. I'm hurting. Thinking about guinea pigs make me cry. Remembering these things make me cry.

But i feel like i deserve to hurt. I don't know if i can ever heal past this. I don't know if i want to because of how much i hurt it. I'm afraid to own anymore guinea pigs. What if it dies and it's not my fault? That would kill me inside. I don't know how i could ever move past this.

I am sorry you are agonizing over this. You were a child when this happened... This is just my belief, feel free to tell me to go F myself- and to most people reading this, its probably going to sound crazy.... but I believe there are decoys that the universe presents to us, so we can gain a deeper understanding of life. It is entirely possible that your guinea pig, was in fact a decoy. Your anger, confusion, loneliness... you showed that to your guinea pig. I am sure you talked to it to, shared your thoughts and feelings, along with whatever you did to implement pain. Its possible that this guinea pig was in fact a gift from the universe, so you had an outlet. Of course, in my belief, the guinea pig had no actual feelings, and you never actually hurt it. It was given to you so you could try and work thru your struggles. I hope this makes a little bit of sense, and you don't think I am completely nuts

[lilith]

I had such thoughts these day and then I found your thread. I know how you feel. Let me share a story with you.
When I was a kid, about 4 years old, once I abused a little kitten. I would throw it in the air and saw how she always landed on feet. But I could see she was struggling as she was very small. It was interesting to me to watch it and I liked how I had control over it. I was afraid someone might see what I am doing and I was very ashamed of it. It lasted for a few minutes. Kitten was ok. Physically. But I know she was scared. She grew into big cat and had a long happy life. I still remember it and I'm not ok with what I did. That was the only time I intentionally hurt and tortured another living being. Although, it probably isn't abuse, maybe the kitten even had fun jumping, but that's my perception of it.

Today that feeling comes back when I start playing with cats and very little dogs. I am afraid how powerless they are and I am extra careful how I handle them. I understand that the past experience thought me to be very sensitive to all other beings. You always have a choice will you view something negative or positive. Once you'll feel you'd had enough of feeling bad for the past, then you'll transcend it to your growth. Right now you've created a lot of negative karma around this for a learning experience.

It is valuable to know how it feels to be on the both sides, on the abuser's and the victim's. So then you truly have a choice which way you want to go. If someone ever does something similar to you, you'll recognize we all have both dark and light in us, and you'll know how to deal in such situations having deeper understanding of it.

If this isn't much of a help, you can try talking to that guinea pig and let her know you're sorry. I'm sure she has already forgiven you. Plus, once you feel comfortable, you might try cuddling guinea pigs, to show yourself you're not who you were in that past moment. I feel that'll be healing for you. You were just a kid, your soul was not here for a long time and you didn't know things you know now. You did nothing wrong as you were not enough aware of the consequences. Now, you're a wonderful soul, so let go of bashing and judging yourself and start living in the present moment and be proud of what you've overcome.
Blessings

[TheDivineOne]

Originally Posted by Akc1213

I am sorry you are agonizing over this. You were a child when this happened... This is just my belief, feel free to tell me to go F myself- and to most people reading this, its probably going to sound crazy.... but I believe there are decoys that the universe presents to us, so we can gain a deeper understanding of life. It is entirely possible that your guinea pig, was in fact a decoy. Your anger, confusion, loneliness... you showed that to your guinea pig. I am sure you talked to it to, shared your thoughts and feelings, along with whatever you did to implement pain. Its possible that this guinea pig was in fact a gift from the universe, so you had an outlet. Of course, in my belief, the guinea pig had no actual feelings, and you never actually hurt it. It was given to you so you could try and work thru your struggles. I hope this makes a little bit of sense, and you don't think I am completely nuts

C'mon, Akc, you know I'd never say that, when you helped me out before.

The crazy part of it is, I fed my guinea pig, gave her her water, food, etc. It was like this evil part of me just took over. How could i do something so horrific to a harmless living being? I never could forgive myself. It was hard coming to terms with all the hell i put it though.

Originally Posted by lilith

I had such thoughts these day and then I found your thread. I know how you feel. Let me share a story with you.
When I was a kid, about 4 years old, once I abused a little kitten. I would throw it in the air and saw how she always landed on feet. But I could see she was struggling as she was very small. It was interesting to me to watch it and I liked how I had control over it. I was afraid someone might see what I am doing and I was very ashamed of it. It lasted for a few minutes. Kitten was ok. Physically. But I know she was scared. She grew into big cat and had a long happy life. I still remember it and I'm not ok with what I did. That was the only time I intentionally hurt and tortured another living being. Although, it probably isn't abuse, maybe the kitten even had fun jumping, but that's my perception of it.

Today that feeling comes back when I start playing with cats and very little dogs. I am afraid how powerless they are and I am extra careful how I handle them. I understand that the past experience thought me to be very sensitive to all other beings. You always have a choice will you view something negative or positive. Once you'll feel you'd had enough of feeling bad for the past, then you'll transcend it to your growth. Right now you've created a lot of negative karma around this for a learning experience.

It is valuable to know how it feels to be on the both sides, on the abuser's and the victim's. So then you truly have a choice which way you want to go. If someone ever does something similar to you, you'll recognize we all have both dark and light in us, and you'll know how to deal in such situations having deeper understanding of it.

If this isn't much of a help, you can try talking to that guinea pig and let her know you're sorry. I'm sure she has already forgiven you. Plus, once you feel comfortable, you might try cuddling guinea pigs, to show yourself you're not who you were in that past moment. I feel that'll be healing for you. You were just a kid, your soul was not here for a long time and you didn't know things you know now. You did nothing wrong as you were not enough aware of the consequences. Now, you're a wonderful soul, so let go of bashing and judging yourself and start living in the present moment and be proud of what you've overcome.
Blessings

Interesting.

I keep telling myself the same things -- that I was a young child who didn't know any better. It resonates with me because i do feel like it was a learning experience to me; that animals feel pain just like humans can, and how important it is to be kind to animals, especially to ones so sensitive and harmless as a guinea pig.

Funny thing, i used to put my finger up to her mouth and she would lightly bite and chew on my finger. Even that brings tears to my eyes.

I do wonder if she would ever forgive me. Interesting if my former victim would forgive me but i can't forgive myself.

If i were to ever have another guinea pig again i would be so much nicer to her. But to even be thinking about guinea pigs make me tear up.

Hugs
Divine One

[lilith]

Focus on what is in your heart now. It's love and light. You are forgiven because of who you are and you can freely forgive yourself too.
Just image how many bugs have we killed on purpose or by accident. Or how many animals have we eaten in our lives or used for shoes and so on. Or how many time we could have done better but didn't.
Let go of the past. You didn't do anything so wrong as it seems to you. We can't change past, but we can do something good now for someone. Adopt a puppy or volunteer. Let what happened be an inspiration for you. Use that energy you're using now on grief, for making someone's life better. I hope this makes sense.
Hugs to you too.

[Horse]

Originally Posted by Akc1213

I am sorry you are agonizing over this. You were a child when this happened... This is just my belief, feel free to tell me to go F myself- and to most people reading this, its probably going to sound crazy.... but I believe there are decoys that the universe presents to us, so we can gain a deeper understanding of life. It is entirely possible that your guinea pig, was in fact a decoy. Your anger, confusion, loneliness... you showed that to your guinea pig. I am sure you talked to it to, shared your thoughts and feelings, along with whatever you did to implement pain. Its possible that this guinea pig was in fact a gift from the universe, so you had an outlet. Of course, in my belief, the guinea pig had no actual feelings, and you never actually hurt it. It was given to you so you could try and work thru your struggles. I hope this makes a little bit of sense, and you don't think I am completely nuts

I've contemplated that idea of decoys but it in no way makes it any easier to accept. I used to do a lot of rampaging in my lucid dreams, I would cause so much chaos and destroy everything in my path, including people. Then the idea hit me, what if the people we encounter in dreams are real spirits who are dreaming too. Then the guilt and horror came over me. Going into lucid dreams with the perspective that its all real, I'm gentle and careful not to destroy anything, and kind and loving towards everyone I encounter. It feels so much better than rampaging, but I couldn't feel the love when viewing everything as an illusory projection of my mind. Its like this in real life. Its denial of reality that make evil possible. Even when the denial is completely innocent and good willed, it enables evil to happen. When in denial you're aimlessly rampaging, not considering what impact your actions have on others. When being real, theres more pain but a whole lot more love too.

[Joyce]

Good morning to those who have posted on this thread, or those that only wish to observe.

I have lived to be 60 now, which I'm sure sounds very old considering the general age here. I believe this is why I feel compelled to write.

This is all a part, in my humble opinion, of the world waking up to the ideas about who/what we truly are at the core: a spirit that somehow connected to the mystery of what flows through all of nature?

And over the milleniums scores of people have given accounts of their own interpretations with all their words to describe the simplicity of the unknown And I believe this is how humans have come up with the ideas about past lives, choosing parents, lessons . .

And the advice that we've all done things we could be ashamed of. Were we evil? No, I'm inclined to agree we were acting out pain of our own, which when we think about it, it equivalent to a "call to be loved ourselves".

And as these spirits of goodness, having another human experience, we know we can find our way to being kinder; more loving. Which has us all right "here" now.

I LOVE this site and I am forever grateful. And I know we're all going to be okay; and just by writing we too will help countless others begin to acknowledge the goodness of the mystery flowing through humans as well as all of life

[Alice_1]

Do not blame yourself. At an early age, all have a certain cruelty. And I had it. Ask mentally for forgiveness. And all will be well.

[Bornonthecusp]

All I'm going to say is self-compassion is important. The fact you're feeling this, that you can't bear causing others pain could be the lesson here? You've grown and learned and we've all done things we wish we hadn't. But I think the important thing is that you're learning and growing and trying to be better than you once were...

[Empowers]

The Divine One,

First, remember, you chose your name for a reason. You may feel like You Are or you may apire To Be or you may worship One. Either way, what you are forgetting right now is that you are not alone.

You think you can't forgive yourself but you don't have to work hard at it, you only have to catch up. You have already been forgiven.*

As Joyce has said, there is something in everyone's past that is hurtful. But there is redemption for everyone, even for people who have done much, much worse that you. Not redemption so they may go to some magical place, but being saved from their own tortuous mind.

Find some ceremony, find some ritual, where you can bring forth the spirit of these brave souls -yourself and your magical furry friend- and let them cry with one another and let them exchange stories and understanding. And in the end, create some closure that allows you to feel that you are forgiven... and that you understand... and that you will bring the blessings of that spirit and that knowing and compassion into this present day.

So be it.

*When you are ready, you will begin to understand why there is nothing to forgive.