Healing a relationship?

[kindheart]

Hi there,
I wondered if any of you has ever had success with healing someone else's psychological issues and/or romantic relationship issues? Some form of meditation I could use to heal my significant other with my thoughts and visualizations? He has major anger and addiction issues, which causes him (and us) great grief and we fight about it a lot. He hates how it affects him, his life and us, but he doesnt feel confortable opening up to a therapist, plus he finds negative emotions and the perception of criticism so hard to face that he doesnt tolerate talking about his feelings and problems. It affects me deeply also, but i find it hard to let him go, especially that there is a child (his son) in the picture.

Any advice, guided healing meditations (do they work?!!) would be so appreciated! I feel like im at the end of the road, but also hate to give up hope :(
Thank you so much

[naturesflow]

The key to change is to change yourself to know more directly what you can do to serve this space as a model of that change more clear. We don't heal others. We can support and open others to change that they themselves have to work with in the way they choose to do...As an example, my relationship was healed by me healing myself and leading from that example. When I became more open and clear I was better able to manage and know how to manage my partner in his own painbody and issues.

I am familiar with your situation through a friend who is going through this also. I keep reminding her to open and let go of what she holds in herself to get clear about what she needs to be doing to either support the process of her other half, or to not support and know when to let go and let them face the reality of themselves. My experience has shown me, that the more you let go in yourself in the face of this experience, you bring open the capacity of change to move in the other. You end the co dependency to free the other to become more aware of themselves and not longer using you as the external means to project their pain. Addiction is tricky because it hides what it doesn't want to know more directly of itself. Often dealing with someone addicted, your dealing with the addiction, not the issues more open and not contained.

He is the one that has to step up here and take ownership here himself. I understand that some people don't want to engage in open sharing, if this is the case, I would be more inclined to perhaps suggest he join a meditation circle where he is guided and can listen to himself and face himself his own way. That circle or meditation group would create a commitment if he enjoyed it, because he would feel a connection to go back. There are many guided healing meditations available, it can assist people, if they are open to it.

Being open to the change you need is important to actually receive in that space.

I am sorry that your dealing with this, it can be difficult and challenging. Taking good care of you is important. So your able to diffuse and let go, rather and fight and escalate others in anger fight mode. Keep you and your child safe, that is the most important thing in all this.

[H:O:R:A:C:E]

i'm thinking that you've been led into this situation due to the tremendous
love which you hold kindheart; this relationship is a means to test
the limits of that love. i agree with naturesflow in that you'll need
to focus on your own healing, and that that can facilitate the healing process
with your significant other (which he'll need to accomplish for himself).
set the boundary which disallows injury to flow to you from him; simply do
not permit it to occur [this is on the emotional level of being]. also, practice
active listening to your partner -- become aware of the meanings behind
his words and actions. there will be "a tell" when he's being evasive for
example, and you may come to realize the motivations behind it. it's not
simply that he's wanting to avoid certain topics, there's a reason behind that
and it will become evident (i believe) when you pay attention. the 'addictions'
are likely symptomatic of hiding from some tormenting thoughts...
maybe you can help him to find some exhilarating project which will serve
to fill his mind with "positive" thoughts, and not allow space for the others.
craftwork might be up his alley; building things (maybe birdhouses).

[kindheart]

Thank you kindly for your insights. Do you know of any guided meditation to help me not be so negative and reinforce my boundaries/ make me less co-dependant? It's true that although I keep telling him some things I don't accept, I still let him get to me and struggle to really put my foot down. And I'm a very sensitive person who struggles to process negative emotions, and I easily take in negativity, which helps no one.
Thank you for further suggestions (as for him, he's not very spiritual and would never go to a meditation group). Beginning with myself would indeed be a good start.
:)

[7luminaries]

There is a huge link between logistical dependence (financial, childcare coverage, etc) and emotional dependence. However many women with an adequate paycheck still give themselves away because they have accepted the societal definition of a woman's worth, which is dependent on having a man, maybe a family with him supporting it, and so forth. With the man in charge of you, so to speak, many women have given over control of their person, their worth, and their happiness to a man.

Men are just other human beings, even though yes they are stronger and most men earn more and garner more respect and authority in society than most women do or ever will (in our lifetimes). But men aren't gods and really you can see why turning over control of your very worth, esteem, and happiness to another who is not God is really pretty ridiculous. And frankly is not fair to men who are often themselves struggling to get themselves together, LOL.

So my advice to you is in order to be less co-dependent, you need to be more independent and strong in yourself...whether or not you are in a relationship or a marriage. Look to yourself and NOT to others to determine what is right and good and true for YOU. And although this may be difficult at first for many women, who are raised to only think of others and please others, you will need to care a whole lot less about what others think. You may still be receptive to the thoughts and ideas of those close to you...that's normal and good. But if they disagree, then agree to disagree on 95% of everything...and agree on a small set of criritical things where you will negotiate and compromise as needed. It's not for anyone else and I mean ANYONE else to run your life and give commands and decide if you are ok today or deserve kindness today.

You can be strong and centred in yourself and still be with someone who values you and loves you for you But what you will find is that the more you come to know and love and value YOU equally to all those you invest your precious time and energy in knowing and loving....you will realise that you are less and less inclined to spend time with those who do not or will not or cannot value you and love you for YOU.

Because you come to realise that you deserve love and kindness just as much as anyone else. And you come to realise that being aligned with spirit means that authentic love is for everyone, including yourself. You love everyone in your life but you may find that some you will love from a distance because they do not yet understand what authentic love is for themselves. And so they cannot all appreciate the centrality and power of its truth...which draws you to it like a moth to a flame, suffused and overflowing. Once you know this love in your heart, why would you ever settle for less? And those who are on the same page will become ever more resonant and appealing to you Because the truth of authentic love is that we all matter and we are all equally worthy. We are all loved in spirit precisely for who we are...and in spirit, we are never shamed, resented, or judged for simply being who we are.

Peace & blessings
7L

[naturesflow]

Originally Posted by kindheart

Thank you kindly for your insights. Do you know of any guided meditation to help me not be so negative and reinforce my boundaries/ make me less co-dependant? It's true that although I keep telling him some things I don't accept, I still let him get to me and struggle to really put my foot down. And I'm a very sensitive person who struggles to process negative emotions, and I easily take in negativity, which helps no one.
Thank you for further suggestions (as for him, he's not very spiritual and would never go to a meditation group). Beginning with myself would indeed be a good start.
:)

Great you now sounding more in the space to take charge of yourself in all this, which is great.

here is a book that might help you. https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/A...hayhousecom-20
Here is an excerpt https://www.facebook.com/louiselhay/...52080826799750

See what you feel and see if it helps. I am sure if you google guided meditation for setting boundaries or mindfulness you will find what you need

Here is a start there are many to choose from so go through them and see what feels right for you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqGB7SmJAyU

[H:O:R:A:C:E]

Originally Posted by kindheart

Thank you kindly for your insights. Do you know of any guided meditation to help me not be so negative and reinforce my boundaries/ make me less co-dependant? It's true that although I keep telling him some things I don't accept, I still let him get to me and struggle to really put my foot down. And I'm a very sensitive person who struggles to process negative emotions, and I easily take in negativity, which helps no one.
Thank you for further suggestions (as for him, he's not very spiritual and would never go to a meditation group). Beginning with myself would indeed be a good start.
:)

i suggest that you have inner guidance available to you.
i suggest that it's readily available and not something you need to search for.
i imagine that your "natural state" is peaceful, and that joy grows from there.
anything which feels discordant to your peaceful nature triggers your
inner guidance, and it messages you with an emotional cue.
the triggering events may be things unseen to your physical senses
(such as when Obi-Wan Kenobi felt a disturbance in the force).

you don't need to "put your foot down" in an external sense of things...
the boundaries you need to set aren't outside of you... you do not need
to require that people exhibit some particulars of behavior in order to
find satisfaction in your life. you only need to become aware of your
inner sense of well-being, and to remain cognizant of it's presence
during troubling situations.

what people think of as weaknesses are often strengths; disguised.
to be "very sensitive" seems a good thing to me. it means that you
are exceptionally receptive to certain information. for you to "easily
take in negativity" also seems quite beneficial to the world at large:
it means that you've absorbed those energies and removed them
from the atmosphere, which protects others from having to experience
those destructive things. the problem seems to be your thinking that
you need to "process" them... you can channel those energies to
Source, and allow them to be "processed" there. [perhaps directing
them into Gaia, as an intermediary, is more to your liking.]

happy mothers day

[Seawolf]

Originally Posted by kindheart

Hi there,
He hates how it affects him, his life and us, but he doesnt feel confortable opening up to a therapist

Having a therapist can be a great help and catalyst for real change. You could let him know that therapists don't expect you to spill your guts crying and relive all the bad things from your past. That may be how it is on TV but not how it works in the real world. Having a professional therapist makes your life better and happier.

Adult addiction is a just a symptom of something else, usually things like abuse or neglect in childhood by traumatized or alcoholic parents. The motivation behind abusing alcohol and drugs is very healthy, it's trying to sooth the self, to try to get what was deprived of us in childhood. Addicts should not be marginalized and thought of as bad people. They're people that are traumatized, which can be helped in therapy.

[kindheart]

Thanks again for your help. Horace, thank you so much. Your message and suggestions resonated with me and gave me hope. I will try to keep it in mind and follow your advice.
Seawolf, I agree that therapists can be of great help (and are often inaccurately portrayed in movies). I'm actually a therapist ;) He has tried therapy a few times, with different therapists, and he ever only lasts about 2 sessions before quitting or even walking out mid-session. I believe in the helpfulness of my profession, but also acknowledge that sometimes, other forms of support can be helpful too, or even needed.

[Seawolf]

Unfortunately there's a lot of bad therapists out there. Sorry to hear what happened.

Originally Posted by kindheart

I believe in the helpfulness of my profession, but also acknowledge that sometimes, other forms of support can be helpful too, or even needed.

I hear you, I try to get all the support I can. You'd think spirituality would be ideal for healing a wounded soul. I've yet to see that happen though. I think it can be helpful as a complimentary practice to professional care, if it's a practice, like meditation or yoga which have proven results.

Most of the problems in the world seem to come from a lack of understanding. We don't understand ourselves most of all. We're just now starting to see trauma as being behind addiction. We're learning that things like EMDR and Somatic experiencing seem to have a healing effect. For the first time there's starting to be hope because we're finally starting to address trauma. The world is resisting it (they refused to add trauma/CPTSD to the DSM), but will eventually have to come around because of the results.

I'm reading 'The Body Keeps Score', very enlightening so far.