How do you handle really horrible news?

[Tanemon]

Like with a friend or relative who is desperately troubled, and letting it all out with you? Example might be something like a friend who shares that she or he has just learned their kid has some awful degenerative disease that's incurable.

What's your experience?

[Tanemon]

I think I wasn't maybe quite clear, in the above, about what I'd like discussion on. Besides "being there for the person" (not turning aside) and offering a hug, how have you handled the situation (compassionately and helpfully, I mean)?

[kris]

Tanemon, I think you are not receiving responses because you have asked a really hard question. One cannot and one should not plan a response to a person in grief. Above all, our response should be authentic and spontaneous, not planed. When we cultivate empathy for fellow humans, it shows itself in real life situations that we run into. Our empathy and sympathy may manifest in words or just in our facial expressions and body language. Situation can tell us whether the grieving person wants us to linger with him or wants to be alone, whether he wants to talk about the situation or would prefer to segue to something not painful. I don't think there is one size fits all response.

All of my immediate family members either passed away from incurable diseases or is still suffering from an incurable condition.
So, there have been many times when I had to share my family stories to friends, dates, co-workers, potential partners, random people in my life, and total strangers.

Just listening and/or being there are the best ways to handle the situation when someone is willing to share such horrible stories or news with you.

What you certainly should NOT be doing is to judging someone on how the person is handling the family situation.
And most importantly, do NOT ever even suggest to the person that it MAY be genetic; therefore, implying that the person may also be susceptible to the same horrible disease. (especially when there is not any proven genetic link)

Several decades ago, I went out with this horrid backstabbing man on a date, during our conversation about our family, I shared with him that my mother passed away from incurable ALS just few years before. His immediate reaction to me was "I wonder if it is genetic.. hmm.. let me think". And he was thinking in his head. He was a doctor but clearly without any empathy chip in his brain.

Reality is that I already thought about the possible genetic link and was afraid of dying from the same horrible disease.
So, I did not need any of his negative feedback.

Needless to say that I did not see any reason to share other 'horrible' stories or news with him. So, I just closed up to him.

But the universe has its humor and apparently he and I share a strong soul connection with many shared past lives.
After few decades later, he still shows up and is still connected with me energetically.
I found out over the years that our connection is intricate, very complex, and shockingly eternal.
Now I just accept the connection as it is and find humor in the design of this connection by our souls.

Originally Posted by Tanemon

I think I wasn't maybe quite clear, in the above, about what I'd like discussion on. Besides "being there for the person" (not turning aside) and offering a hug, how have you handled the situation (compassionately and helpfully, I mean)?

I was taught to say "my condolences" to those who have lost a loved one ...
In a crisis situation, I find it best to always be prepared to say "I'm so very sorry" followed by listening to the person w/out interruption ...
Listen carefully to what the person is saying to determine what is appropriate to ask ...

People who have received devastating news are stressed out, they have difficulty focusing as well as far too drained to take care of daily matters ...
*Occassionally deliver a family meal*, offering to do yard work, wash dishes, laundry, anything along those lines provides relief ...
If they're willing to talk be open to it - just listening is better than you talking or asking questions ...
Try to demonstrate warm concern w/hugging &/or holding their hand as they talk, never show pity ...
Never say "God has a plan" or "Things happen for a reason" or anything of that nature whether or not you share the same spiritual or religious beliefs ...
Offering to pray for them is okay ...
They're being tested in every human way possible ...
What is most important to keep in mind is their faith is being challenged in unimaginable ways ...
Whatever compassion & help you can offer to support this family is vital at a time like this ...

These are things I wished had been done for me while I was grief sick ...
I received more help from neighbors I didn't know than family & friends ...
Some time after the one month anniversary of my husband's death, family & friends abandoned us ...
They decided I needed to get over it, buck up, stop being weak, stop feeling sorry for myself & force the kids to do the same ...
Yup, they actually said those things ...
Its all very sad, at the same time, they've created karma debt for themself ...

[Belle]

What NOT to do : here's my experience. When my father passed, it was a time when I had just lost my job, I had had a devastating break up with my BFF (!not) and I was completely adrift. And the most common question "How is your mother!". This was from my friends, relatives, and my mother's friends.

Truth was, my mother was doing fine - conceptually. She is a gregarious creature and the phone didn't stop ringing and so she was with purpose in talking to people. Me - I was adrift, totally adrift.

Anyway, first, focus on the person you are talking to, then expand to the wider family / community if appropriate.

Sometimes people talk in code - follow the code. I realised a couple of months after dad passed that mum began grieving (it works in different timescales - initially she felt free - he had been in a home with dementia) - but mum would say bizarre things like "The dog is missing dad". So we would talk about the dog, and how the dog felt.

In times of great crisis - broken relationships - one question that I have found really helpful is "name one thing I can do for you". It's infinitely better than "what can I do to help". People don't mind asking for one thing - and you can start with a specific. "send me a text every day" or something like that. You can give the person time to think of the "one thing" they might want, and that one thing might change, it can be reviewed.

I'm humbled by the friend who, 18 months on, is sensitive enough to know that I'm still grieving for dad and herself has the confidence to confront me with this gently to give me the chance to express my feelings which are sometimes so very very raw, but she gives me space with it so all our conversations are not about it - just a snippet here and there. It's great to have a break from intense feelings and friends who make me laugh in sad times are wonderful.