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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #1  
Old 29-01-2014, 09:17 PM
Dreamer_love Dreamer_love is offline
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being just friends (without benefits) with ex

Hi could you help me see this clearly?

It's been about 2 years since me and my ex broke up. Since then I went on the spiritual self-development route, being celibate for the past years.
My ex had two other relationships since then and has been more promiscuous. She's single now again though.

All this time we still meeted as friends, and we've been there for eachother for emotional support.

I thought we were both emotionally and psychologically mature enough to move on and be friends without romantic feelings or anything sexual floating up.
The last few times I met my ex, she gave off sexual signals, like spreading her legs, tempting me. Yesterday, she projected romantically at me saying I am still very special to her and we might give a relationship another try.

I don't know what to do, I've let her go as a lover but it would be difficult to let her go as a friend. I love her unconditionally but I know a relationship would not work because I feel like I have outgrown her spiritually and a relationship would be abusive to myself. I have cleaned my ''spiritual house'' and I am very much inspired on working on my personal goals, which is basically becoming a succesfull therapist and starting a family, I have been saving myself for the right person (which I haven't met yet). I hoped that in the future the friendship with my ex could be mature enough so that it wouldn't pose an issue for any new relationship, and I could keep her in my life. Maybe I am being too idealistic.

I think my presence in her life might be hurting her, or be damaging to her self esteem. She clearly hasn't resolved her deal of karma from our past. What should I do? Give her distance and time to grow?
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  #2  
Old 29-01-2014, 10:34 PM
Skybird Skybird is offline
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Some people do the friendship thing after splitting up and some people dont....

My opinion would be, try the distance thing..

Skybird
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  #3  
Old 29-01-2014, 10:44 PM
Teal Teal is offline
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I think it is time for a talk. If you truly want nothing other then friendship then you need to spell that out to her. If then it still continues then you may have to put distance between you.
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  #4  
Old 30-01-2014, 04:19 PM
Nada
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This is a similar situation as my current marital status.
I am going through a divorce process but still living in a same house with my STBE.
We are friends and are in very good terms.
Since we do interact everyday, he does try to seduce me sometimes because he really does not want the divorce.
However he does date others now.

Whenever he tries, I just reject him by reminding him that having sex will not be a good way to deal with our divorcing.
But I totally understand how confusing he feels.

Once I move out, it will become easier for him to just be a friend and we will probably stay as platonic friends for life. I see this happening.
He does have several life long female friends already and I also have life long male friends as well, although none of our friends are our exs.
Neither of us have had any kind of sexual relationship with our opposite gender friends.

Since you two are still interacting, she is probably confused about your relationship, especially when she is lonely.
She may not be mature enough to draw the boundary in her relationship with you.

Some people are not able to keep those boundaries in their relationships.
Hence the reason why many men can not be just friends with women that they are attract to.
Same is the reason why many EXs can not keep their friendships after their breakups and divorces.

You Ex may not have the ability to maintain a platonic friendship with you. In this case, you probably need to just let her go.
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  #5  
Old 30-01-2014, 04:43 PM
livingkarma
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dreamer_love
It's been about 2 years since me and my ex broke up. Since then I went on the spiritual self-development route, being celibate for the past years.
My ex had two other relationships since then and has been more promiscuous. She's single now again though.

Give her distance and time to grow?

Give her distance and time to grow ...
She needs to learn the reason for her promiscuity on her own before she can be respectful of herself & others including you ...
Our faith, beliefs & commitments are always being tested regardless of who the person is that is doing it ...

Last edited by livingkarma : 30-01-2014 at 07:03 PM.
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  #6  
Old 06-02-2014, 11:52 PM
Tanemon Tanemon is offline
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Location: Western Canada
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I feel you've gotten some very good feedback in the posts above. I'll give you my opinion by relating my own experience. Among other things, you wrote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dreamer_love
I don't know what to do, I've let her go as a lover but it would be difficult to let her go as a friend. I love her unconditionally but I know a relationship would not work because I feel like I have outgrown her spiritually and a relationship would be abusive to myself. I have cleaned my ''spiritual house'' and I am very much inspired on working on my personal goals, which is basically becoming a succesfull therapist and starting a family, I have been saving myself for the right person (which I haven't met yet). I hoped that in the future the friendship with my ex could be mature enough so that it wouldn't pose an issue for any new relationship, and I could keep her in my life. Maybe I am being too idealistic.

I think my presence in her life might be hurting her, or be damaging to her self esteem. She clearly hasn't resolved her deal of karma from our past. What should I do? Give her distance and time to grow?
I was married to someone (I'm a guy, she was a woman) and we have a daughter. We split up due to her promiscuity, which she was open about at times, and secretive about at other times. I felt that clarity in the relationship was gone and trust had evaporated.

After our split, we both tried to be friends. She outright told me, at one point, that she wanted to get back together again. But this was a year and a half after our split - and I had gotten together with another woman who wanted openness and commitment. My ex got together with another guy and made a real effort at a committed relationship. They had a son. After some years, my ex had entered into another extra-marital affair, the result being she was dumped by the father of her new child.

In looking back, I've been glad I did not become re-involved with my ex, romantically or sexually. She was who she was, I was who I was, and we were different enough that it would just have been painful and frustrating. We each had lessons to learn - I don't leave myself out of that and can't really feel superior - but our lessons to be learned were different.
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  #7  
Old 09-02-2014, 10:09 AM
AmyLuisaa
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I've been in the same boat with my first love. We split up due to me going away to university, which really did hurt me. I decided to distance myself from him for a while, about 6 months to be exact, just so I could get over him and focus on my studies.

I was just about ready to get back in touch with him, when he got in touch with me. It was strange at first, as some old feelings resurfaced. He even admitted to me that he still had feelings for me. I was tempted to try again with him, but I knew deep within myself that I shouldn't. I decided to distance myself from him again, wanting to make sure I was totally over him. After another few months I got back in contact with him and we had a big meaningful talk. We decided that we still cared deeply for each other but it would be best if we just stayed friends. This gave me the strength and willpower to move on.

A year and a bit on I met someone new and things couldn't be better. Me and my ex are still in contact but this time we are just really close friends, he's been really supportive of my new relationship and there doesn't seem to be any jealousy there. Things have worked out well, even if it did take time.

So in my opinion I would distance yourself from her for a while. Give her time to move on with her life. That way when you do decide to start talking to her again things will be better.
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  #8  
Old 09-02-2014, 05:28 PM
oliness
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There's a good book called Soulmate Relationships and in there it says that you need to let go fully of past relationships before you will find the one you are meant to be with. It seems to me that in this case part of you still wants this woman - there are still feelings for her. I would tell her that you think it's best not to see each other again at least until you are both settled with a partner.

When you're both married, maybe you can meet again - all four of you. But until then I think the best thing would be to agree to move on fully by not meeting up. Then you can search for the person who is right for you.
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