My NDE Experience

[TuesdaysChild]

I became very ill and went into organ failure 2 years ago. I was rushed to ICU and I was too unstable to make it to the operating room so they performed emergency surgery on me in the ICU. I had less than 5% chance to live.

First, I heard one doctor say my name and ask me to respond. Next thing I knew I was outside of my body but saw my face and my hair fanned out over the pillow. There were 7 medical personnel in scrubs around me and one running around gathering surgical equipment. I saw my body and it was the most neutral feeling. I didn't feel anything for it; nothing good or bad. Indifferent sounds too cold of a word. I've tried to use the analogy of it being a car and the "me" was my soul, the driver. Even then, it's too cold. It was as normal to look at myself as me looking at my arm and thinking "there's my arm", except it wasn't "me". "Me" was my consciousness that survived my physical death.

I walked over to the corner of the room. In the corner appeared a tube, some might call it a tunnel in their NDE experience. It looked flesh coloured and sort of transparent. It went through the ceiling. When I looked up into it, there was the bright, but soft and non-blinding, light. I began to float into and up the tube/tunnel. The tube was about 3 feet in diameter. I was about 3 feet off of the ground and began to feel each of my ankles being gripped by invisible hands. I became extremely frustrated because I wanted to go up but something kept me down. I was kicking my feet and telepathically telling whatever it was to let me go. At the same time, never did it occur to me that I was dead/dying. I didn't think "I don't want to go back!". None of that. I was curious and wanted to see what was beyond the ceiling. The light was warm and inviting and going to it was a natural thing. Again, I so readily accepted that it was my consciousness that was "me", my mind and my thoughts were my soul and that was who I was. Yet the force keeping me down by holding my ankles was stronger than my ability to ascend. Everything then faded to black.

I woke up 3 weeks later and remembered this immediately but only later was told how I had been so unstable that they had to make due with surgery in the ICU or lose me. They didn't have to tell me though. I knew. The first thing I said was that I didn't get to see my Dad and someone was preventing me from leaving and I was angry about it. Overwhelmingly angry. The doctors did their job well, as they brought me back from dismal odds and I guess my body was strong enough to fight the rest of it. I had to learn how to walk again, brush my hair, etc. I am still recovering today and had my last surgery in November. I'm hoping to be back in the saddle by my exact 2 year anniversary. It's been a long and difficult haul.

I feel blessed to have been given the knowledge that who we are survives physical death. Yet I also feel let down. I wonder what was holding my ankles down, and why? There was such a desperation to it. It was a life or death grip with cold hands that would not let go. When I think of it, I sometimes become enraged. I feel like it had no right to interfere - which is not rational to me and yet that's how I feel. Do spirits have that ability or was it the medical team bringing me back? I wonder too why I wasn't greeted by ANYONE when I left my body. I always believed that to be the case. Also, why do some people get to make the choice and not others? I didn't even get past the bright light. I feel sort of ripped off. Why am I so angry about it? I got to live, so I'm confused by my anger and resentment on whoever/whatever that was holding me down. These are the thoughts/questions I have that keep me up sometimes and occupy my mind a lot. I'm sort of all over the place with this, but one thing is certain - I've changed. There is a stillness in me where there once was upset and fear. I am not afraid of dying but I don't want my life here to end yet, either. I know I'm not done here but the world here seems colder and more bleak than ever before. I feel like I am on the precipice of incredible personal power, but it scares me like you wouldn't believe. I also know that my soul, me, chose all of this trauma in order for me to learn. I still haven't figured out what it is, or why it is, that we need to learn and we have to do so by suffering. So I'm more curious than ever before and stymied as to where I can try to search for these answers.