Being the Chaser is the worst.

[ForeverRestless]

To be the one who always has to speak up. The one who always has to share. The one who always admits, expresses, confesses and defines. The one who lays herself on the line. The one who chooses to speak rather than be silent. To move forward into her feelings rather than to run and hide.

The one who suffers more? The one who feels more? The one who is emotional, rather than logical. The one who is at the mercy of her feelings rather than a slave to the "3D" world. The one who is tormented by the absence and the silence and finally has to take some action to make a change, rather than relying on inaction, or running the other way.

This is a burden. This is humiliating to make my identity visible at the one who is bothered, the one who is fixated, the one who remains obsessed with the past. The one who was impacted. The one who had no control over feeling things she "shouldn't" have felt, especially three years later. The one who gave up her power by the sheer act of still caring (but would have remained in that unempowered state whether she ever spoke up or not). By still caring at all, I had already lost. I can't be a 3D logical person so easily after meeting my Twin Flame. I couldn't return to the real world so simply. I couldn't just forget what I felt. I had to live with the rough reality of trying to transition back to the life I knew before him, and if it wasn't so easy, shoot me.

I have no idea what he's feeling now that I told him everything in a letter, but I know I'm the one who took everything upon my shoulders. And it's something I had to do in order to end the vicious cycle. In order to stop breaking my heart every day just wondering what might have happened IF HE ONLY KNEW. Now that he knows, it feels like a severing has occurred. And my heart can be disentangled from him. Even if speaking about the truth of my experience made me look like a fool, the benefit is being loving to myself. I love myself more than I care what he thinks of me, and I have begun the process of setting myself free. I don't have to think "what if" anymore! Now, it's WHAT IS. Only when something becomes a definite, rather than a maybe, can I process it as my reality. And I've done that for myself. And yes, it makes me feel anxious, but I'm just hoping it will help me move forward.

I'm angry that I got the chaser role in all of this. I'm angry at the pull the runner has over we chasers. But I accept that it is what it is, and I have to own who I am and what my role is in this dynamic, whether I chose it or not. I will try not to care what others think of me... even if they are my Twin Flame. This is the beginning of a new era. Everything else was just limbo. I'm excited for what's to come. I just hope I can embrace it all without breaking under the weight of my own embarrassment.

Any other chasers here ever been embarrassed by what they admitted to their Runner, but at the same time, empowered by the fact that they told their truth, rather than hiding in the shadows? Some empathy as I go through this process would be amazing right now.

[Inika]

lol after 6 years nothing made it better or different.

you're either connected or not. you're either having sex with each other or not. you're either in a relationship or you're not. its obvious.

no words, no letter, no nothing makes a difference.

one is always into the other more in 'liking' someone. it will never work.
unless you BOTH feel the SAME and on the SAME level. it wont ever work.

the quicker you wise up to that. then real life can begin along with epic genuine healing not the 'i hope he comes back if i heal this' type of healing. thats still loaded with an agenda.

[jro5139]

Not caring what others think is the beginning of true self love.

[happyhaunts03]

Being a runner sucks, too, when you know you're running and hate that you do it despite knowing you need to stop and that you messed it all up.

In all honesty, I've been dealing with the TF thing for over 10 years. And the one thing I've learned more than anything is you cannot wait for the what if's. Living life is important and if that other person is truly meant to reunite with you, it will happen later, when you're both in the same place and you both have focused on improving yourselves. So, do what you feel is right. Live for you. And if the rest works out? Great. If it doesn't, there are just more things you need to do first and maybe this entire lifetime just isn't the right time. Maybe meeting your TF now instead of when you're both ready was just a reminder of what you're supposed to be working on.

[ForeverRestless]

Originally Posted by happyhaunts03

Being a runner sucks, too, when you know you're running and hate that you do it despite knowing you need to stop and that you messed it all up.

In all honesty, I've been dealing with the TF thing for over 10 years. And the one thing I've learned more than anything is you cannot wait for the what if's. Living life is important and if that other person is truly meant to reunite with you, it will happen later, when you're both in the same place and you both have focused on improving yourselves. So, do what you feel is right. Live for you. And if the rest works out? Great. If it doesn't, there are just more things you need to do first and maybe this entire lifetime just isn't the right time. Maybe meeting your TF now instead of when you're both ready was just a reminder of what you're supposed to be working on.

Such a lovely perspective and response. Thank you.

[jmm44]

You are passionate. It is one of your most beautiful characteristics. And being passionate, you are willing to take risks. When you take risks, you overcome fears. When you overcome fears, you can embrace each moment with full engagement. You can embrace anything and everything with love.

And one day she discovered that she was fierce, and strong, and full of fire, and that not even she could hold herself back because her passion burned brighter than her fears.

Much love
xx

[white-dove]

Originally Posted by ForeverRestless

To be the one who always has to speak up. The one who always has to share. The one who always admits, expresses, confesses and defines. The one who lays herself on the line. The one who chooses to speak rather than be silent. To move forward into her feelings rather than to run and hide.

The one who suffers more? The one who feels more? The one who is emotional, rather than logical. The one who is at the mercy of her feelings rather than a slave to the "3D" world. The one who is tormented by the absence and the silence and finally has to take some action to make a change, rather than relying on inaction, or running the other way.

This is a burden. This is humiliating to make my identity visible at the one who is bothered, the one who is fixated, the one who remains obsessed with the past. The one who was impacted. The one who had no control over feeling things she "shouldn't" have felt, especially three years later. The one who gave up her power by the sheer act of still caring (but would have remained in that unempowered state whether she ever spoke up or not). By still caring at all, I had already lost. I can't be a 3D logical person so easily after meeting my Twin Flame. I couldn't return to the real world so simply. I couldn't just forget what I felt. I had to live with the rough reality of trying to transition back to the life I knew before him, and if it wasn't so easy, shoot me.

I have no idea what he's feeling now that I told him everything in a letter, but I know I'm the one who took everything upon my shoulders. And it's something I had to do in order to end the vicious cycle. In order to stop breaking my heart every day just wondering what might have happened IF HE ONLY KNEW. Now that he knows, it feels like a severing has occurred. And my heart can be disentangled from him. Even if speaking about the truth of my experience made me look like a fool, the benefit is being loving to myself. I love myself more than I care what he thinks of me, and I have begun the process of setting myself free. I don't have to think "what if" anymore! Now, it's WHAT IS. Only when something becomes a definite, rather than a maybe, can I process it as my reality. And I've done that for myself. And yes, it makes me feel anxious, but I'm just hoping it will help me move forward.

I'm angry that I got the chaser role in all of this. I'm angry at the pull the runner has over we chasers. But I accept that it is what it is, and I have to own who I am and what my role is in this dynamic, whether I chose it or not. I will try not to care what others think of me... even if they are my Twin Flame. This is the beginning of a new era. Everything else was just limbo. I'm excited for what's to come. I just hope I can embrace it all without breaking under the weight of my own embarrassment.

Any other chasers here ever been embarrassed by what they admitted to their Runner, but at the same time, empowered by the fact that they told their truth, rather than hiding in the shadows? Some empathy as I go through this process would be amazing right now.

ForeverRestless, I've been forced to let go of someone recently - kind of (we're still hopelessly entangled through Remote stuff, RI, RS etc.)... when we were writing to one another it became the most intense relationship I ever had. Oh yes, he is my Twin Flame. We're like in the Matrix :-)

He was reserved, I was not. He tended to shut me down when I was open and honest... he usually couldn't hear it. It seems he really can't deal with the emotional stuff.

I told him loads of stuff about me - personal things. And then as he told me next to nothing, one day I went onto some old posts of him on the forum where we originally met (since then we worked on a research project together, emailed, were FB friends etc). I discovered that for awhile he considered himself gay.

Being honest and finding it impossible to lie - I wrote him an email instantly telling him I had read this. He has not forgiven me. Looking back I was stupid to say this... as I knew quite well how he is attracted to women (at least, one woman for sure!) I suppose it was naive and a bit manipulative on my part.

He told me never to contact him again. So I haven't, though have found a way to get him messages indirectly via that forum. I know he reads them as when he does I get his reactions through feelings/energy (usually in the middle of the night - that's when he checks his personal stuff, evening in his time zone). But he still doesn't write.

Yes, I'm fed up of being the one who puts myself out - emotionally on the line - for someone. Frankly I've totally had it with men. This was kind of my last attempt (have had different longer term 'real' relationships, none of which remotely compared to this one).

Good luck, my dear! I'm just shaking my head over it all. I'm sorry

[heartsound]

Originally Posted by Inika

lol after 6 years nothing made it better or different.

you're either connected or not. you're either having sex with each other or not. you're either in a relationship or you're not. its obvious.

no words, no letter, no nothing makes a difference.

one is always into the other more in 'liking' someone. it will never work.
unless you BOTH feel the SAME and on the SAME level. it wont ever work.

the quicker you wise up to that. then real life can begin along with epic genuine healing not the 'i hope he comes back if i heal this' type of healing. thats still loaded with an agenda.

Smart words, shame it is ignored.


Either they want to be with you or they don’t....... It’s really that simple. And trust me a person will stop at nothing to be with the person they want to share their sheets with... or energy..... whatever ...

Stop arm wrestling with yourself.

[Seenthelight]

Originally Posted by jmm44

You are passionate. It is one of your most beautiful characteristics. And being passionate, you are willing to take risks. When you take risks, you overcome fears. When you overcome fears, you can embrace each moment with full engagement. You can embrace anything and everything with love.

And one day she discovered that she was fierce, and strong, and full of fire, and that not even she could hold herself back because her passion burned brighter than her fears.

Much love
xx

THIS.

The biggest lesson I have learned since coming into contact with my TF 10 years ago is this. My passionate nature has come out - I am willing to take risks, I am willing to live life to its fullest, - or I am at least still learning to. I am loving myself and loving experiencing life.

The quote is perfect, thank you so much.

The one thing I have recently learned is that for some people I was just 'too much'. And that applied to the guy who I believe to be my TF. He drew out my passionate side - in many ways he never got to experience - but he was also very reserved (and very attached, as was I - but it was never a question that we should be together at that time). I drew out something from him too, we mirrored one another. I think I taught him to be a little bit more brave, he taught me not to be so rigid, perhaps.

I wondered if I was the chaser or runner - can we be both? I became a bit too brave perhaps - and bold, maybe. I know now if I saw him face to face, just me and him, I would tell him how I feel. But I am keen not to seek him out - he knows where I am if he wants to get in touch.

[ForeverRestless]

It's weird, looking back on this, how everything pans out. And how our stories here on the forum are all so similar and yet have such marked differences.

My Twin was the one to share and vocalize most of his feelings while I was having the experience internally. I caught up eventually, but I wasn't as expressive. He was also the one to tell me all his deepest darkest secrets, to unload all the passions and dreams of his life on me, to tell me I knew him better than his own mother, to tell me we could read each other's minds, that it was too intense for him, all this stuff. I've been so scared for so long that I've kept most of my struggle and my thoughts to myself. Even when we broke up in 2015, and he gave me all these reasons, I shrouded my true reaction in secrecy. I did that for three years. I know he didn't pick up on it because he wrote an album talking all about his pain from the loss of our relationship but saying he couldn't see mine. That I had forgotten about him.

I was sick of hiding and pretending with him, even if I energetically felt like I was chasing and waiting every day. So I got it all out on the table and told him everything. Of course he doesn't respond. He can't take the tables turned. He's unloaded all of his intensity on me and word vomited his thoughts and painted me as someone I'm not on an album and played the victim, telling people at his concerts that he wrote his songs "for someone who will not come see him play music." It's such a joke. I was sick of him hijacking the narrative of our relationship. And I was sick of feeling guilty about doing things like moving in with my boyfriend because if Twin "JUST KNEW" that I loved him as much as he claimed to love me on that album of his, then maybe we'd reconcile. I couldn't have that possibility hanging over my head anymore. I needed it to be black and white. I needed me choosing to move forward in a life with my boyfriend to not be Twin's evidence and ammunition of "see, she never loved me anyway." No more.

He's admitted to me a few times that it was too intense for him to handle. He said 10 days with me felt like 10 years. That he's never felt anything like it before or since. I'm not saying he didn't feel it and love me and want me. I'm also not denying his profound selfishness and arrogance. But I know that just because he didn't want to/couldn't be with me doesn't mean he didn't share the same experience.

I can tell myself stories the rest of my life that conflict the information he's shared with me. I can tell myself he "never cared" and "didn't feel what I felt" knowing it's a lie but loving the lie because I can play the victim. But I don't want to spend mental bandwidth thinking about this anymore. And I know that his version of caring and feeling is different than mine because he's an entirely different person. Who needs to go through his own journey back to his soul.

I feel so much my own brokenness and my own imperfection and lack of self love right now that I know even if a miracle came to pass, relationship with Twin and me would not work anyway. So I'm embracing life with a soul mate who guides me tenderly as I figure all my baggage out.

And how does someone respond to a letter that lays out, in perfect English, how horrible things were, how many trials had to be overcome, what she learned, and how she became so happy with a new man because she learned not to accept less than she deserved?

Twin knows he could not have given me what I "deserved." There's no point to all of this.

I cannot believe this whole experience happened to me, and I'm sure it will continue to plague me, energetically. But now at least, for the first time in three years, I feel I won't have to worry about him coming back or staying away. I don't have to hear songs and see numbers and watch poems pop up on Instagram and associate them with some energetic message he's trying to send me. It was driving me crazy. He's just gone now. And I did it. I created a point of no return for my own self. For my own sanity.

I only wish, like all other endings before him, that I could move on fully. I'm afraid that may never happen, but I have no option if the energetic connection remains. In which case I may end up back here in an attempt to manage my anxiety. But I have to stop wanting him to do something or say something. This needs to be a conclusion. And on my terms. This is all I have to offer myself since he had nothing to offer me.