Broke up because of trust ?

[imawonderer]

Long story short we argued quite abit and kept breaking up and getting back together due to him saying I don’t trust him ..for instance when he followed random girls all the time on social media. and it made me question him and it would turn into arguments and he would say there’s nothing more to it and that I don’t trust him ..

We decided to be friends but the other day I asked why it’s so easy on him us ending and he said in my head “I put it as us on a break ..maybe..idk..depends”

Okay basically I just wish I could trust him and not be jealous but I don’t know how..I wish I wouldn’t feel those emotions but I can’t help it and I get so frustrated..that it ends up all I think about until i burst out ...how can I control my jealousy?how can I get rid of it ?how can I just trust ?

[Inika]

be single?

I've found (and just mentioned in another thread) that nowadays I don't let myself be put in a position to trust. For me there's enough going on that if a guy messes around that's up to him as long as he's happy with me working to the same rules. There's no need for jealousy. If I feel it coming on I start to shop around. Commitment is nice but it's a convenience most times (subject to kids not being involved). If one finds oneself arguing a lot the couple isn't on the same page anyway. The relationship becomes a scorpion dance.

Besides, social media is too iffy. People tend to behave and present themselves in a good light. They're happier for people clicking the 'like' button. It encourages a falsity.

You're entitled to some happiness and there are plenty of other fish in the sea as they say!
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[FairyCrystal]

Well, be honest to yourself. Were you really jealous OR did you have good reason to be uncomfortable with what he was doing? It's so easy to tell a girl she's jealous, it's often an argument men use when they want to justify their own wrong-doing because hearing we are jealous makes us feel guilty. Somehow women can be very sensitive to this accusation, immediately take it on board as being the truth without questioning it, feeling guilty and wrong and as if she has to make up to him while in actual fact she has done nothing wrong.
You still with me? Lol. So ask yourself: Were you truly jealous, and if so, was it for good reason or not?

And to be quite honest, if a guy loves you, he wouldn't be following and chasing other girls/women, albeit online or in real life.
Like Lorelyen says, there's other fish in the sea, however painful that may be to hear. But would you rather be with a guy who doesn't truly love you and doesn't respect you or a man who loves you, commits, doesn't display such childish behaviour and throw wild accusations at you?

[Tortoise Walks]

Okay basically I just wish I could trust him and not be jealous but I don’t know how..I wish I wouldn’t feel those emotions but I can’t help it and I get so frustrated..that it ends up all I think about until i burst out ...how can I control my jealousy?how can I get rid of it ?how can I just trust ?

I have some experience with working through jealousy from opening up my marriage with DH at his request. The following helped me...

First, the really important question... Can you trust yourself to pick up the pieces of a broken heart in the event that at some point you and/or your partner discover/decide that you are not meant to be life partners or the realities of life/death somehow separates you...? If not... start there.

Second, what does your relationship data say? It's one thing to be jealous when your partner doesn't appear to value/prioritize your relationship (especially when expressed calmly by you) and your gut is yelling something is not working. It's another thing to be jealous when your partner is loving you as wonderfully as ever and yet you still feel threatened by women you don't know.

If he washes you with love regularly let the data and your partner assure you and allow yourself to be uncomfortable. Really just sit with it for his benefit. Write it out. Plan a way to reconnect. Watch how he continues to invest in your relationship despite your worst fears. Partners like to feel free rather than controlled and chained so try letting let loose a bit...

Deep down... Why are you triggered by your partner following women on social media? What do you think will happen? Does it bring up insecurities in you and your relationship that need to be healed? Are your relationship needs being met? Are your partners' needs being met? What do your relationship needs look like? Are they reasonable to both you and your partner?

Usually for me... when jealousy showed up with DH it was because I did not communicate a need/desire to DH and did not allow him the opportunity to show up in our relationship. And if I do communicate and he doesn't want to or is unable to show up in our relationship in a way i think I need.... well that's important data to know and understand going forward.

Third, can you reframe your thinking around these "random (threatening to you) girls" ? Maybe they are interesting and unique individuals who enrich your partner's life in ways that can actually benefit you too? The more I am able to find ways of appreciating people that trigger my jealousy the less I am ruffled... Plus, when DH feels free to be himself and have friends and acquaintances without fear he is happier and more balanced in our relationship.

I prefer the opt in model for loving and relating... No partner of mine is required or duty bound to cut off contact with the feminine world at large (let alone inspiring, curious and fascinating women) for my benefit. The way I see it... If my relationship with my partner is so weak that "random" people in the world are able to derail our love and connection then let me know this now!!!

For men who have reached the limit of their sexual repertoire and sex has fallen into a routine, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. It has to be faced. I suppose the supernal scheme is that once the sex thing is over the couple have the propensity to get-used-to each other, to converge in the act of living, share their lives.
♥

[OEN34]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

I've found (and just mentioned in another thread) that nowadays I don't let myself be put in a position to trust. For me there's enough going on that if a guy messes around that's up to him as long as he's happy with me working to the same rules. There's no need for jealousy. If I feel it coming on I start to shop around.
.

What do you mean exactly in this statement, L?

Originally Posted by OEN34

What do you mean exactly in this statement, L?

Which particular bit gave you trouble?

♥

[OEN34]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Which particular bit gave you trouble?

♥

I'll reply to this properly when I'm in a better place mentally to explain, L, so there's no rush