Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorelyen
And you don't seem to understand the emotional and mental attachment kids have to their parents and how deserting them can be seriously disorienting. You don't even know these kids ages.
I mean...do you think you have a judgemental monopoly on what people should and shouldn't understand? People come on here with this superior attitude as if they're the only ones who know about the many shades of intimate relationships and can lecture others....
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You have often called people’s twins their “target.” And those of us on this path have to accept your view as such, as the view of someone who knows not what they are delving into. You judge us and condemn us, and yet, you have so much compassion for children who are at present being subjected to a father who no longer loves their mother and is staying in that marriage purely out of obligation?
Once, many years ago, long before I realized that I was in this TF thing, I was already going through the roller coaster after having met my twin online and not being able to understand why I couldn’t get him out of my mind. At that time I was separated from my husband but still living in the same house because I believed that our young child needed to at least have some memories of both parents living together.
During one of my many moments of despair due to my situation, and because I couldn’t stop longing for the unknown man from the Internet, I went to a park to cry in peace. I parked my car and just sat there, crying my eyes out because I couldn’t see a way out of my predicament. I had a job at the time but not enough money to move out. And what would become of my child? There were so many variables at play and I felt desperate and lost.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw an elderly man leaning against his car. He slowly started to walk with the assistance of a walking stick. For some reason, I couldn’t stop watching him slowly walk a few steps away from his car and then make an enormous effort to walk back to his car. I decided to get out of my car and strike up a conversation with him. To this day, I still don’t know what made me do that.
I told him everything. About my marriage, my separation, about this stranger from the Internet with whom I felt the most profound connection I had ever felt to anyone, I told him about my lack of money and my fear that, if I left home and got a divorce, my child would suffer.
The man then told me his story. He was in his 70s and suffering from lung cancer. He knew that he would die soon but he still made the effort to go for a “walk” in the park. He told me about his loveless marriage in which he had only stayed in because they had four young children. He said that at around five years into that union he knew that he didn’t love his wife and that she had never loved him. But he chose to stay for the children. He wanted to be a good, decent man. He wanted to provide for his wife and children even if that meant giving up on any possibility of happiness for himself. So he stayed.
But as soon as the last of their children went to college, his wife immediately took on a lover and filed for divorce citing the fact that she had never loved him. She also took most of their possessions with her, including a brand-new condo where she lived with her lover, which my park friend paid for. You see, even after all he had gone through, he was still trying very hard to do the right thing. Even while she also bought a brand new car with his money since she had never worked a day in her life.
I know that many people will say that she too had paid her dues in that marriage and that she deserved her portion of his assets. But it wasn’t just the fact that she took all the money. It was the profound callousness with which she pretty much told him that the only reason she was ever with him was because of his money. Obviously, I only heard one side of the story and it’s hard to know if he was telling me the entire truth. But the truth is a funny thing... you feel it in your heart when someone is being truthful with you.
So my park friend told me that he had lived a life of sacrifice and sadness. And now it was too late because he was dying. He told me to not make the same mistake that he had made.
To make another very long story short, within six months I had moved out of that house, got a formal divorce, and was landing at an airport where my twin lived to meet him for the first time. I spent my 41st birthday with my twin. And I’m beyond happy to say that my child has benefited so much from all my choices. Everyone around us is astounded by the fact that we became much better parents after our divorce. My son has become an incredible human being all around. The other day I asked him if my leaving had negatively impacted him in any way. He said that it had not, not at all. That his only fear as a little boy years ago when all this was happening was that he wouldn’t be able to continue seeing one of his parents and, that since that never happened, he didn’t really care about our divorce. Throughout my son’s school career his father and I heard many times from school teachers and other school officials that they had never seen a divorced couple who worked as such a great team as we do. They were literally incredulous because the norm is for them to see full on fights between divorced couples who go to school functions together.
In any case, no one is suggesting that OP should abandon his children. What we are suggesting is that we all teach our children by example. What good is a father who loves and respects himself so little as to live a complete lie? What is that telling the children? What place does truth and raw honesty hold on all this? What about the fact that they all know and witness a loveless marriage? What will those things create for them in their own future relationships? I believe that these are very valid questions that we should all ask ourselves.
Nothing has been easy for me since I met that man in the park. But I firmly believe that by living my truth, everyone around me has benefited greatly.
But to each their own.
Just my thoughts on this matter....