My Twin Flame Journey?

[Wolf89]

Hi everyone,

This is going to be a long story, and even if no one can read it until the end, I felt I needed to get it out somewhere. I have been lurking in these forums for a while, reading everything I can about twin flames. This seems like such a nice and supportive community, I felt maybe it was time to be a part of it. Any help is so greatly appreciated. I feel so lost and I no longer know what to do about the experience.

About a year and a half ago I met someone who turned my world upside down. From the moment we met, something felt different. I wouldn't have thought of it as love at first sight (at least not at the time). It was more a feeling of just knowing. Knowing this wasn't an insignificant meeting. Knowing this person was going to be someone long standing in my life. Realizing this was going to turn my life around and shake it up completely. Thinking back I almost has a vague feeling of "Uh oh. Everything in life is going to change now, whether I want it to or not".

We met at work. There was an instant feeling of hitting it off, and I remember feeling weirdly comfortable just being around him. I can't say I can think of another person in my life who made me feel so at ease just to be in their presence. He feels so familiar, something about his voice and personality evokes these feelings that are both intense and comfortable. I feel at home and completely alive when I am near him. We seemed to move fast in exchanging numbers, talking with one another. Looking back I would swear he became jealous and vaguely distant when he found out I have a boyfriend. But since he had a girlfriend of his own, I figured it was for the best we go forward just as friends. Something about him made me need to know this guy, despite not wanting things to move in a romantic direction.

As time went on, I started to notice a back and forth pattern. At times he was friendly and we would talk like we knew one another forever. Other times he would keep his distance. I felt hurt by this early on. I started to notice how happy I was to be at work. And times that he left early or wasn't there, I found myself suddenly feeling like there was no point in being there. Then the undeniable feelings of falling in love started to happen. The butterflies in the stomach, the racing heart, the absolute unbridled joy of just being near that person. I found myself waking up thinking of him, living to see him everyday, and him being the last thing I thought of at night before bed. I was so painfully smitten by him, and looking into his eyes is the most intense and soul freeing thing I have ever experienced. I feel if I had the change to get lost in them forever, I would gladly go. I tried so hard to bury all of this, feeling guilty and confused about my current relationship. I was content to chalk it all up to a simple office crush, and just carry on normal with life.

Then horror of horrors, the company went out of business, and we were both let go. Devastated at the idea of not seeing him everyday, I relied on the idea that we were friends enough to make plans to see one another outside of work. His texts suddenly became icy cold, and he avoided me every time I made plans. I was beside myself. My soul was in completely agony and pain. I never in my life felt so empty, so destroyed, as though everything that ever mattered was suddenly swept away. My boyfriend had no idea why I fell into such deep depression. I held on and pined for months, always trying to reconnect, and getting put off time and time again. felt as though my soul was dying, and I had no sense to make of this. Never had I experience a breakup or loss of a person that affected me so deeply, so why this guy I had never even dated?? In trying to make sense of it all, I started to research and came across the concept of twin flames. I felt it was the only explanation that made sense of it all. And as many times as I feel crazy and tell myself it can't be, I keep coming back to this no matter how I try to stay away.

Just in the moment I gave up, he had texted me, letting my know he broke up with his girlfriend. She had become insanely jealous of us talking, convinced there was something going on, and he decided to put their difficult relationship to an end. It felt like we were reunited and all was well. Until my boyfriend started to become the jealous one. The path started to spiral downwards as my connecting with him created more and more problems with my boyfriend. In his jealousy he started to make it harder and harder to meet up with my twin flame in person, to speak with him, and the more issues I had in my relationship, the more it seemed to push my twin flame away. I found myself in an agonizing triangle that I am still struggling with. My boyfriend being the guy I want to be with, comfortable and with history, but lacking that deep connection I crave. The relationship is unhealthy, but we try hard and are always there for one another. We have been together for almost four years and make the effort to be committed to one another. The one that I desperately long for, the one I feel this connection with always disappears and comes back again. I am in sweet bliss just to be his friend, then plunged into crippling despair once he leaves again. Despite the push pull, I feel like the relationship with him only deepens as we have opened up and shared so much of ourselves over the past year. We seems to end up in similar life situations and try our best to look out for one another and help the other through. But the wierdest part is that he seems to know and understand things about my I have not told him. I run. He runs. We keep switching back and forth but always seems to seek the other out again. I know I can't stay away from even when I felt it was best to cut him out of my life completely. I do my best trying to work on myself. I am trying hard to undo toxic elements in my life and in my current relationship. So much has changed in my life, and while there has been so much pain, I have to admit I feel like I am becoming the person I was meant to become more and more each passing day. Just having him in my life feels like it was an explosive catalyst that put my on a different life path. I dream about him, he's on my mind constantly, and I swear we text one another at the same time or when its needed the most. Sometimes just to check in and then one or the other disappears again. The longer and deeper things go on, the crazier I feel. I just want to live a normal life, and the highs and lows feel like they will go on forever.

As of late, I started experiencing all of the kundalini awakening symptoms. The burning hot sensations, some through my body, but mostly in my third eye area. I swear lately I can feel him. That I pick up on his feelings. I have these imaginary conversations with him in my mind. Talking about everything, and it almost feels so real. I get images and idea in my head of us being together in a more...ahem physically intimate way. It comes out of nowhere, and since he is the sexually open one and I'm the kinda repressed one, I wonder if it comes from him. We also talked recently about our feelings for one another. The state of our friendship. He has admitted he felt something for me, but claims it's in the past and buried. I can't help but wonder if its true or if he is only saying that our of fear of losing me. I feel I hurt him in saying we could only be friends. And had strain of my boyfriend keeping us apart make him say that to keep from losing my completely? No matter what he says, I can't help but see something different in his eyes. I see so much, and feel so much when I'm near him. I wonder everyday if he loves me as deeply as I love him.

I keep telling myself this is all my imagination. That it was a silly crush I let blow out of proportion and ruin my life. I tell myself he can't possibly feel what I feel, that we don't have this special bond or connection, I just want to believe that we do. My head tells me I am insane, but my heart tells me its true. I try to just concentrate on my current relationship, build a life, and be as normal as possible. But no matter what, I keep coming back to him, and the idea of twin flames, and all these feelings that have awoken inside of me. My biggest fear is that this is all a lie, and I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster that I can't get off of now. And I can't tell if I am doing the right thing, or if I am going down a bad path and derailing my life for no reason.

Just wanted to let you know that I read it through. I wasn't in a relationship when I met my twin flame so I don't know the difficulties related to having a bf but if your story is anything like my story, there will come a point where push comes to shove and you won't feel so bad about following your heart. Maybe this time hasn't come for you yet.

[Wolf89]

Thanks for the reply and support traceyacey. I have been going mad over this terrible ping pong affect I seem to be going through. I feel as though my twin flame connection 'disrupts" things with my boyfriend. I can't seem to have the both of them coexist in my life peacefully. One gets jealous of the other guy, but they both seem to blame/punish me for the wanting to spend time with the other. My twin is pretty angry with me for staying with my boyfriend. He thinks I am choosing to be in an abusive relationship,and most recently I am getting silent treatment from my twin over the situation. My boyfriend has grown more distant over the course of me spending time with my twin flame. I have grown so tired and weary of dealing with negativity from both of them. I'm also concerned about my twin flames behavior because he can be so toxic, controlling and manipulative that I doubt if he really is my twin flame. Its the feeling and the being "sure" in my heart that keeps pulling me back. I agonize for days over him, until I finally "let go" and its always that exact moment he comes back. But every time he does it causes so much upheaval in my life. Then he leaves me with a mess while he disappears again. I worry too that he connection is one sided or that he doesn't even recognize me. I hear most twin flames say that their twin acknowledges the bond despite being scared about it. My twin has said he felt like "had already been friends for a long time" when we met and that we passed that "getting to know you" stage. But aside from that and momentarily having feelings for me (that he says are gone now) he was freaked out about the idea of us having some sort of bond or connection. I really feel this time he has cut me off for good

Originally Posted by Wolf89

Thanks for the reply and support traceyacey. I have been going mad over this terrible ping pong affect I seem to be going through. I feel as though my twin flame connection 'disrupts" things with my boyfriend. I can't seem to have the both of them coexist in my life peacefully. One gets jealous of the other guy, but they both seem to blame/punish me for the wanting to spend time with the other. My twin is pretty angry with me for staying with my boyfriend. He thinks I am choosing to be in an abusive relationship,and most recently I am getting silent treatment from my twin over the situation. My boyfriend has grown more distant over the course of me spending time with my twin flame. I have grown so tired and weary of dealing with negativity from both of them. I'm also concerned about my twin flames behavior because he can be so toxic, controlling and manipulative that I doubt if he really is my twin flame. Its the feeling and the being "sure" in my heart that keeps pulling me back. I agonize for days over him, until I finally "let go" and its always that exact moment he comes back. But every time he does it causes so much upheaval in my life. Then he leaves me with a mess while he disappears again. I worry too that he connection is one sided or that he doesn't even recognize me. I hear most twin flames say that their twin acknowledges the bond despite being scared about it. My twin has said he felt like "had already been friends for a long time" when we met and that we passed that "getting to know you" stage. But aside from that and momentarily having feelings for me (that he says are gone now) he was freaked out about the idea of us having some sort of bond or connection. I really feel this time he has cut me off for good

I'm not sure what to say about the controlling and manipulative part. Doesn't sound very loving and I never had that happen with my twin flame. He did things that were hurtful but he would try to amend for it soon after. In my experience, its a push and pull and its not a figurative thing or an approximation - it literally is a dance where you try to balance the energy between you two out. If it doesn't feel that way then maybe he's not your twin flame. I know you say he pops back in your life again and only you know this but is it a true push and pull?