What now?

[ForeverRestless]

I had a long talk with one of my best friends last night. She doesn't know anything about Twin Flames or my belief in them. But she does know about what I've gone through since TF ran and she has seen evidence of my immense, unconditional, pure love for that man, even after more than two and a half years of separation. She's seen me struggle and she's seen me grow. She's seen me come from the emotional rubble I was in when TF left in spring 2015 to a more confident, more emotionally self-sufficient woman who feels complete with or without a partner. Who does not need TF's returned affections or presence in her life in order to live a happy life. These days, I am a woman who could be equally happy single as with another. I am not needy or clingy. I don't take rejection as evidence of my inadequacy. I know my worth, even if TF would not see it or act on it. Even if my current partner were to leave me.

Sure, it would be sad for a while. Sure, I might struggle with insecurity for a while. But now I have the emotional tools to pull myself out of it. To tell myself that one man thinking I'm worthy of leaving does not determine my worth as a human being. That life can go on, and that I will be happy.

I'm so emotionally independent these days that I can give without fear that my generosity or affection with chase my partner away. If I go days without seeing my partner, I do not feel intense longing or need to be back in his arms for a feeling of safety. I enjoy my free time and I enjoy just... being me.

But the biggest problem I'm dealing with lately is the concept of love. TF introduced me to this feeling we call divine love. I felt it most strongly during the first two years after I met him. It colored my entire experience of the world, the way I took in sites when I traveled, the way I listened to music, what I dreamed about at night, etc. Maybe a lot of it was this burning, enduring love for TF, but I also studied the way that the power of divine love can be harnessed, spreading light to the world, or turning inward to learn to love yourself. I did so much self work and healing and I came out on the other side of it all, manifesting a relationship with an incredible man who treats me wonderfully and fulfills pretty much everything I'd want in a partner in terms of compatibility. 10 months into the relationship, it feels like we're pretty great for each other, and we've no interest in leaving one another.

I've said to friends many times over these past 10 months that my boyfriend has shown me what a good partner truly can be. That even if Twin Flame came back to me, I would not be with him, because I learned to prioritize myself. That having my needs met in a partnership, but not having divine love, was more desirable than actually feeling divine love for a person unwilling or unable to be a suitable partner. Why would I betray myself by setting aside my emotional needs to be with TF just because of my divine love for him? He would never offer me the strong and nurturing relationship that my boyfriend does. He's too inconsistent, scared, brooding, reticent, career-focused, independent, logical, etc. etc., you name it. I may love his soul divinely, but who he is as a human being is not on the level that I need--at least not yet. I've even talked to TF three times in the past month and a half, so I can stand behind this paragraph with confidence.

Yet even with all this knowledge, I remain haunted by the memory and the feelings that remain. Of how it can be in a love. Of how two people can feel. Of how powerful 5D love is and the way it feels like you could save the planet with it, it's so pure and bright and giving and free. I knew immediately after losing Twin Flame that I'd never get over feeling something like that. My friends kept saying it would take six months. I knew better because I know myself and I know what I experienced. I still love my Twin Flame and I probably always will. He is the love of my life, no matter what happens. You can't erase an experience like that.

But like someone else on the forum wrote recently, what is the whole point? What's the point of experiencing divine love only to lose it and never experience it again? Yes, there's self-growth, but in some ways it feels like a punishment because of the comparisons in your heart.

If I had been with my boyfriend five years ago, I probably would have believed I was deeply in love with him. That it's the best I could ever hope for. That it doesn't get any better than this, and hold on to him for dear life. But now, I know better. No matter what I do, for the rest of my life, I will compare what I feel to what I felt when Twin Flame and I were together. I kept hoping that feelings for my boyfriend would grow to be something like that over time, but deep down, I knew better. It was 3D love from the start, it will be 3D love at the end. This relationship will never be 5D and holding my boyfriend to such an impossible standard is deeply unfair. Being with him is never going to create the feelings I felt around Twin Flame and I have to accept that and be OK with that somehow.

When I was on the phone with my friend last night, I asked her how I could tell my boyfriend "I love you" and not feel like I'm lying. How by most human definitions, what we have IS love, but now that I've been permanently tainted by the experience with my TF, nothing even comes close to comparing. I'm constantly making that comparison in my mind and my heart; it's impossible not to. If what I felt for TF was 100 on a scale from 1 to 100, what I feel for my boyfriend is a 40. And any other man I tried to be with would probably hit a 20 on that scale. But you see, it's the scale that skews everything. And it's unfair to subject my boyfriend to such an unfair scale. There's no way I can ever say "I love you" to him and mean it, have ultimate contentment knowing "this is as good as it gets." Because it's not, and it won't. So the solution my friend offered was calling what I felt for my TF some entirely different word than "love." That what I felt for TF is extremely rare in the human experience and sets an impossibly high bar for others to try to clear. And that if I start calling what I felt for my TF something other than love, I'll suddenly realize that I DO love my boyfriend. Just like I love her, my friend. And I don't compare my love for her to a friend I had eight years ago who I felt more needy around and therefore stronger pangs of friendship.

That's another part of it. What if I've done so much self work and so much to eject neediness and dependency from my heart that I cannot feel desperate longings for anyone anymore. That I cannot feel that rush of chemicals people call "love." Even then, I realize I'm veering off-path, because I know that my experience with TF was not about chemicals, it was not about desperation. I felt home. Connected. Spiritually transcendent. Free. At peace. Full of goodness and positive things, not negativity, neediness or fear. That came much later, around the time he pulled away.

So whether I don't feel "love" for my boyfriend because of all the self work I've done, or if I'm handicapped by the constant comparisons to TF, the struggle remains. And I adore my boyfriend, and I don't want to leave him. I don't think there's anyone better for me (unless my TF basically changed his whole personality), and I know that he deserves to get my whole heart. So where do I start?