Jozef, hello and I'm so sorry for your trooubles.
I went back and read several of your posts but may have missed some.
It's been two years since you became aware of this and you say your wife works closely with this man. Have they been sexually intimate or is that what the failed meet-ups were about, and it never got physical? Was it an emotional affair, or was it both?
Regardles...in general I would say this. Marriage is, like all the rest of humanity and our human experience, undergoing a foundational shift. But as women had no virtually no rights and no economic footing even a century ago...marriage and partner relationships are where we are seeing some of the most fundamental shifts and chasms.
Historically, marriage was not about authentic love. It was about survival and legitimacy of legacy. Now everyone's expectations have evolved but our spiritually and emotional capacity to meet those expectations often falls short of what we expect from others. Meaning, we cannot expect or demand authentic love but be unwilling or unable to give it. And no one else is ever responsible for your happiness, full stop.
This is going to cause many marriages to fail during this great transition...either because one or both partners cannot give the authentic love they demand in return. Or because they expect the other to patch all their holes & fix them and make them happy...without doing their own work and walking their own journey, alongside one another in mutual affirmation & support. So...it may be that it is time for your own marriage to end...as to that, I cannot say. But there are definitely more and less honourable ways to go about making that determination and/or that decision. You have been honourable and IMO, your wife has chosen a lot of dishonourable actions up through this point, and as a direct result, she has not been able to speak with clarity on the situation.
We can't look only to another person to meet all our needs and expect them to/demand that they make us happy -- whether our husband &/or our closest soul family. So the idea that she has spent two years keeping you dangling in all this whilst she sorts where the two of them are with one another, is almost inexcusable. And constitutes some real emotional trauma and brutality put upon you. You will need to decide if you value a relationship which looks like it has over the past two years, or if you are better off elsewhere, apart from this.
IMO, she needs to own where she is at and honour her partnership with you, or else leave and let you move on. Even if this is 100% a genuine close soul family member, their interaction never had to be framed as a partnership. It could have been framed as a friendship that would only ever be above-board and inclusive of you as her partner. The fact that neither she nor this other bloke went the way of right-alignment in friendship whilst she is married and that they still have not got there...is rather shady and underhanded on both their parts.
IMO finding a close soul fam member is something to celebrate in authentic love but should never attempt to interfere with a marriage or other relationships on the ground. And that should have been something the two of them clarified from the start, since they work together, if they were both above board and if they were grounded ethically and morally in their centres.
Loving him as a person and as a close soul fam member (if that is true) doesn't mean she has to dump her husband. Nor should another ever be the excuse we use to get out of one relationship. Nor should the existing partner be a crutch till the next one is queued up and ready. All of that is really misaligned behaviour, IMO, and I'm so sorry you've been on the receiving end of all that.
If she's not committed to the marriage however, then she's the weak link and you cannot force her to be a solid and loving partner who is present for you, if she is not. What you CAN do is decide what you will do and what is acceptable to you.
And BTW...everyone is potentially a generic "soul mate" as we're all interconnected, so I find that term to be a bit general. Clearly, some "soul mates" are going to be a lot closer and a lot more resonant than others, LOL :)
Both men and women fall into this trap of romanticising the poorly-understood concept. However, men almost always expect and tie sexual gratification to the term "my soul mate". Have they forgotten about men who are also close soul family? Their brothers, best mates, and so forth? What about women they're not having sex with? Their mums, their sisters, their grannies, their besties who were girls growing up, and all the rest? Why is it only a soul mate if you're penetrating her, hahaha? Because...that's the thing most men still see at the core of a woman's worth. And other men apparently don't count either if not a sexual interest. Sad in the extreme.
Regardless if they've slept together or not, this other gent knows she's married and at some deeper level values the commitment to her...even if she has not been as committed on her part to you as she has expected you to be toward her. Many gents will stop pursuit if the (married) woman doesn't want to screw around with "no strings"...whilst many others will have sex but stop pursuit the moment she talks about getting serious or if married, about leaving her husband.
It may be your wife thought the soul connection was deeper but in fact, if he can't get sex without the "baggage" of her emotions and her probable desire for some level of commitment from him, then she may be disappointed. Despite whatever deeper connection they may have had, many men will discount it entirely (at least on the surface) if they can't get sex...and in most cases, without any strings.
It's become almost cliché that too many men expect a "soul mate" to give them sex no strings because of this amazing connection. They use the soul connection, they pimp it out, so to speak, for the free sex they can get, the end. Clearly, this is often crushing for women who wanted to receive authentic love (which IS no strings, if it is truly present). But for partnerships, it all comes down to whether or not anyone is willing to show up for the other person day-to-day, to be there and to be kind and present for them on the ground and to say it publicly. To commit to one another and promise not to screw around. Yes, integrity still matters...having close soul fam doesn't mean integrity is out the door.
It seems the other gent couldn't show up and commit, after two years of hanging with a married woman. Are you surprised? Maybe his conscience got to him and he didn't want to screw with your lives in such a base way any longer. Regardless, IMO your wife is truly a weak link in this marriage and it's not clear if your marriage is viable going forward. It's not a partnership if you're the only one showing up to it every day. Do you have kids you also need to care for?
I hope you can focus on having some conversations with your wife and seeing if she understands that loving others and having soul family in your life are wonderful things. But they have nothing to do with your marriage
unless she isn't committed and can't show up for you anyway. You two can always bring friends and fam into your marriage...that's normal.
What's not normal is to have emotional &/or physical affairs whilst one or both of them is married...and to then try to chalk it up to being "soul mates" as the reason for
choosing to relate to one another day-to-day as partners when we're not available as partners. We can feel however we like, we can show authentic love in platonic ways (simple kindness, compassion, etc), but regardless, how we choose to act with others (e.g., when we are committed) is a conscious decision we make in each moment.
If she had said...I need to leave because I'm not committed to the marriage and let's get divorced, then at least that is honourable and you would be free to move on.
If she had said, I made friends with this gent I work with and if he can be your friend too, then he's a keeper. And he is and will remain strictly my friend -- then IMO that could be ideal...but if and only if they are both very clear about respecting boundaries and respecting YOU, as well.
BTW, the fact that this happened at the office is IMO a particularly bad sign that neither of them possesses great moral and ethical clarity and fortitude. I.e. that they are weak in these areas...and that it will be a challenge for your wife to address these vulnerabilities in herself, which she would need to commit to doing scrupulously, if you remain in the marriage. All the love in the world from you [or any other bloke or "soul mate"] cannot fill her cup until she patches all the holes in her vessel. And until she does that, she will be prone to cheating and to advances by other "soul mates" who recognise that she is emotionally needy and responsive to this line of predation, so to speak.
Because TBH...IMO if he were truly her close soul fam...he would never have entered into
and remained in any kind of affair with her (physical or emotional) and likewise, she would realise this and would have also abstained. Instead, she would have welcomed him in your mutual lives as a FRIEND to you both. (And he would want and accept that, on behalf of her highest good, and would not seek to use her either sexually or for an emotional affair).
I send you much love & light, and wish you all the best.
Remember to love and honour yourself and your own highest good equally to hers, as she may not be capable of loving and honouring you in this way, at this time.
Peace & blessings
7L
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